#halliesmeta

So like...the big sads have been real big, and so I truly haven't been doing anything in terms of writing, especially for my longform KimChay fic...but I'm still thinking about them, and I have a thought that I seriously doubt is original, and I'm very certain I've read at least a couple of fics with this included, and that is Virgin Kim.

^This Kim-100% a virgin for sure.

I'm gonna start this with a disclaimer- it's probably not going to be very nice. I do try to be kind even when criticizing media. It think it's important to know that most of my critiques about the story and show are based in the story itself, and not directed at any of the onscreen talent.

I'm also going to complain that Mame stuck so close to the original novel. I don't want to hear about how I should have expected that. I understand that when EA and SEA print BLs, whether novels, manga, manwha, webtoons, etc. are adapted to series that those series are usually like 98% accurate and often the things that aren't kept are things that are simply unrealistic for adaptation. But Mame's novels and series are a very unique situation because Mame is the author of the original material. A lot of the refusal to change these stories comes from a place of not wanting to disrespect the original creators, as well as the audience expectation to see the exact story they already like depicted in a new medium. In the case of Mame, she does not HAVE to be worried about that first part. And there is precedent for changing things in the series adaptations, we saw that with KinnPorsche, which was done with the consent and approval of the original authors (though they are garbage so fuck them really).

We will start on the negative though, because honestly I need to get it out of my system. I have defended Mame for a lot, and I really felt like in a lot of ways she had been improving in the way that she depicts her stories, particularly in her series. If you have been watching a good assortment of EA and SEA BL over the last 5 years, you can see a pretty distinct shift in how those series portray a lot of things. We saw backlash over LITA for the reveal of Payu being the one to mess up Rain's car the night of the faculty dinner thing, and A LOT of complaints over the Prapai/Sky storyline, in particular Prapai's diligence in pursuing Sky, and the words stalker was brought up and used in both cases. In the case of Payu, I always felt like that was an unnecessary inclusion in the story, nothing changed without it really, and it would have been believable and in character for Rain's car to have some sort of mechanical malfunction due to lack of regular maintenance, when he is very intentionally set up as a flighty character. I defended, and will continue to defend, the Prapai/Sky story choices, because 1: Without Prapai's persistence, there is no love story, and 2: Prapai's 'wooing' of Sky is literally him following the instructions that Sky gives to Rain in episode 2 (at least I'm pretty sure it's ep 2) about how to get Payu to fall for him. It is set up within the story that this is what Sky thinks you should do to get someone to fall for you, potentially, people still have free will after all. So to see this shift in how problematic behaviors are presented within series, and having an older novel (originally released in 2020), there really was no reason to maintain this story point in my opinion, at least not on the scale that it was.

Realistically, I think since she chose to actively change the story to basically make the parallel universes real, then she should have stuck with that. Because they weren't real in the novel and no the special chapters do not confirm that they were real, there's one that takes place from the perspective of alternate universe Cir and Phu, but it's not in a way that affects the Cir and Phu of the main universe, and the swapping either physically or Freaky Friday style of the Cir's never happens. If she chose to fully get behind the parallel universe swap, which she could have done without affecting much of the story. Personally, I think the way to go about this would have been for the accident that is the starting point of the novel/series to have taken the lives of 1 Cir and 1 Phu, leaving the alternate universe without either, and leaving the main universe with basically an original Phu and a transplant Cir. We could still have those moments of Phu being focused on getting Cir back to his Phu, and the sort of emotional climax be Cir admitting that he doesn't want to go back, because there is no Phu there. And you can still explain all of the little kindnesses that the previous Cir was doing basically the same way they explain in the show, that he was changed by the fact that Phu saw him as a person, not a robot, not a product, but a person, and so he went out of his way to do acts of kindness in secret for him, because once Cirrus learns about Phukan, regardless of the universe/timeline, he can not help but want to care for him.

The other secondary option is that they fully follow the parallel universe set-up they had, where the traumatic brain injury gives Cirrus a glimpse of what he may miss by staying afraid. It's a common story trope for a reason that when people, especially very young people, directly encounter death for the first time, that it fundamentally changes the risks you are willing to take. The classic quote is "Every man has two lives, and your second begins when you realize you only have one." Cirrus encountering a version of himself who lost his Phukan early on, and wanting to show this Cir that he needs to take that chance and pursue Phu, both to keep Phu safe, but also to maintain his own health and sanity. There's very interesting options available to play with, and none really require relying on what is inarguably a very problematic story point.

Like, I haven't really been interacting with a lot being said about The Boy Next World, because realistically I feel like a lot of people that talk about Mame's series, are coming at it from a perspective of wanting a gotcha moment. They want to say "see this is why it's problematic to have straight (presumably) women still writing BLs", and I just don't love coming at it from a place of TRYING to find problems so you can tear a woman down. Yes, we should be continuously encouraging the inclusion of queer creatives both in front of and behind the camera, but sometimes it feels like an excuse to be misogynistic. And realistically, it is a net good for queer stories of almost any quality being told and shared and discussed globally. All of that being said, given the very clear shift in how problematic behavior is portrayed within SEA and Thai BL specifically over the last couple of years, this choice will not only feel old and out of step, but distasteful to a lot of viewers. It's going to prevent people from rewatching the show, truly I have rewatched all of Mame's series at least once, and I do have favorites, but this one...knowing the endgame especially when I know that there probably wouldn't have been much of a negative reaction to a thoughtful change, it really brings down my desire to rewatch it, and I think that in itself is unfortunate because I think the story without the stalking is very emotionally affecting, and Boss and Noeul have done a really good job portraying these characters.

I did not bother to reread the novel, I only read the special chapters that were released recently, so admittedly a lot of my memory of the novel is based on my own notes and posts about it here on Tumblr, but I don't recall the final confrontation ending with Ozone trading himself for Cirrus. I'm not saying that's not what happens, just that it isn't what I recall. From a storytelling point of view, specifically one which is related to romantic storytelling, that's a shitty ending. Knowing the damage, both physical and psychological that their mother placed on Cir, Ozone taking his place is a bad ending. We had already established within both the novel and series (this I do remember) that Cirrus was putting things into place so that at the time of his graduation he would have leverage to get out from under his mother's thumb. Why would you put that aside and instead have him only escape by basically sacrificing his brother. I don't care that his brother is now 'grown', and the idea is that he would be able to withstand their mother's abuse without damage, because that's simply not true, but it also undermines the very knowing sacrifice that Cir made. He CHOSE, with intention, to stay with his mother and let his brother go with their father. He did that knowing that his life would basically be hell on Earth, but he loved his brother and was willing to do this. There's room here to blame their father, but it's made pretty clear that their father doesn't have near the resources of their mother, she was the one who brought wealth and power to that relationship, so I'm not going to put as much of the blame on him because it genuinely belongs 99% on his mother's shoulders. So why could they not simply pull the ace up their sleeves, tell her "No, you are not going to be the one in control of this" and walk out leaving her as alone as she deserves to be. You can be concerned for revenge, but that doesn't have to be an axe over their heads, a conversation between all of them to clarify what they've done to safeguard themselves against her would be plenty. We've established that both Cirrus and Ozone are very intelligent, they would have the ability to outsmart their mother who is blinded by her own ego. Would it be a Deus Ex Machina moment? A little, but it certainly wouldn't feel like it's coming out of left field. And like I said, that ending creates a dissatisfaction in the viewer because the number one concerns we've watched Cirrus have were for his brother and for Phu, so him sacrificing Ozone for Phu would not feel like a happy ending, and also feels out of character, especially when we saw the ending of their story in the universe where Ozone ended up with their mother.

Final thoughts on the negative- overall I'm just disappointed because it didn't have to be this way. There were changes made to the story, like Jin's psychic abilities, and the actual existence of the parallel worlds, so why could we not have made further changes that brought the story forward just a little bit more in step with the Thai BL scene overall?

To what I did like- literally almost everything else, which is why the whole story feels so tainted by that stalker storyline. I'll start with Noeul, because I do feel like he often doesn't get the level of respect he deserves for his acting. His portrayal of Phukan's was very well done, and in a way that is more difficult to describe. This was not necessarily a comedic role, but by virtue of Phu being kind of a silly little guy, there's a lot of moments of comedy, especially physical comedy in the show, and it is hard to do those things well, and also to not be too over the top with it, because this is more of a drama, so you don't want it to be out of place. There's also a subtlety in his acting when it comes to the more serious moments, not the sad moments, or highly emotional moments, like the confrontations with Cirrus, but the serious moments like the conversations with his father's flute. His conversations with his mother, his discussions with Cirrus about his life after his father passed, all of it is delivered in this way that feels distant in the way that you often have to distance yourself from your grief. And when we reach the point in the story, when he has the realization that the other Phukan is alone (as far as he knows) and he becomes almost panicked over it. He's felt and been alone for all of these years, I think 7 years at this point, and it's not easy, but he can do it, but the thought of this other Phu having had someone to stand by him, but now they don't, he can't stand the idea. We already see Phu as this person who is kind, his friends like him because he is this kind and thoughtful person, but this moment really hits it home to you. You know, we've watched this whole episode of him really taking us step by step through this day of mourning and remembrance, and we're not hit on the head with it, but we are reminded that yes we are seeing him doing this now as a 19/20 year old man, but that before now he was 14 and 15 and 16. A child, very fresh in his grief, having not only lost his father, but also his mother in most of the ways that matter, and in that moment when he's finally not alone on this day, so much weight is lifted. But then hie thinks of the version of him who hasn't had to carry that weight alone, and wouldn't that weight crush him if he had to start now, not just because Cirrus is gone, but because as far as Phu knows, a Cirrus that doesn't know or love him is who is there, and wouldn't that be double the heartbreak? Just...none of this is the easy simplicity that we saw in Love in the Air, so to bring this with the level of nuance that it is is very impressive on Noeul's part.

Boss does a really good job. I talked a bit in my discussion of the first couple episodes, that I was a bit worried at the coldness of the character, which is balanced by the almost innate warmth that Boss has, but still feels a bit off-putting. Through the series as we are fully introduced to the other Cir's and in particular the full explanation of the multiple world/timelines, seeing those scenes playing out of how things end for Cirrus and Phukan depending on the choices made was stunning. And it wasn't just Boss's acting in those different moments, but that he had set-up everything so spectacularly in the first half of the series, that you felt all of that same grief he did as he watched. There's a level of difficulty that comes with sort of playing to an empty room, which is what Boss was having to do when he was confronting the other version of himself, and even in the finale, recording that video to Phu. It's incredibly difficult even with multiple takes to get the exact right level of emotion while also making it feel like it's all happening real time. And while you could consider Boss experienced, you still also kind of have to remember that this is his 3rd job that he's filmed. (AN: This is under the expectation that he's fully filmed Zomvivor, bc honestly, I'm not clear on that, but I'm not really counting the cameos in Wedding Plan and Love Sea here.) I do really think there's a uniqueness to Boss's portrayal of Cirrus, particularly the versions we see the most, Main Universe Cirrus, the 'parallel world' version we see in the dream sequences, and the ponytail version, because they do all feel kind of different. But there's also this underlying feeling throughout. We've set up this idea that Phukan is the catalyst that changes Cirrus, that as soon as he truly meet him, things are changed forever, and we see that multiple times, so when we see even ponytail Cirrus rein himself in over the time he spends with Phu, it just really adds so much weight the fatefulness of their relationship, the inevitability of it.

It's I think the best portrayal we've see of soulmates since Until We Meet Again. A lot of that is Boss the person, and the clear genuine affection he has for Noeul, that really shines in their work together, but a lot of it is also talent. It's not just about him making heart eyes at Noeul/Phukan, it's the physical acting he brings into it. His face acting is pretty excellent, the eyebrow twitches and glowers, but also the way you'll see his hand twitch to reach out, or the way that he grasps at Phu, not just holding him, but holding on for dear life. There's this undercurrent of desperation in a lot of the small movement he makes that really sells how much he cares about Phukan.

We're knocking on 3000 words at this point, so I'm going to give a quick rundown of the other things I really enjoyed about the series. I loved Wim and Jin in the novel, and I also very much enjoyed them in the series, thought I did feel they were pretty different form their novel counterparts. I'll also admit that Wim kinda bugged me here and there in the series and novel because of how he talked about Cirrus and his general disdain for being Cirrus's babysitter or whatever, but I am granting some leniency based on the fact that he's still young. I really liked the friend groups in general, though I didn't really feel like we got to know the others.

I talked in previous posts about the visual beauty and use of cool and warm tones throughout the story. The cinematography is frankly gorgeous, and I hope Mame (or any other production company) continues to work with that director, because he's clearly very talented. It's a balancing act to have your shots line up in such a way that the visuals build upon the story that's being told, and you will see in some shows where they kind of thought "oh wouldn't this look cool", but it overwhelms the story rather than elevating it. I never really felt that here. Shots were well-planned and well-executed with that clear intent of providing that foundation for the emotions of the story.

I might have more to say, but honestly, I don't know. Usually I'm not posting more because I plan to rewatch so that I have more clarity, and I'm looking at things from a bit more of a distance, since when I'm first watching the show, my focus is on understanding what's happening and the performances. But as discussed above, I don't know how I really feel about doing any sort of rewatch at this time. But if I do have more to say, it'll be posted here and tagged appropriately.

Important edit added March, 5, 2025: It was reported (or at least I found out about it today) that the actor who portrayed Haruki in this show, was accused and arrested by Hong Kong police for SAing a translator after a fan event. It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway, that is absolutely reprehensible behavior, and I hope his victim is able to get justice. If this knowledge affects your desire to watch this show, that's understandable and very fair. Shows like this are the unified works of dozens of creatives, and they do deserve to have their work appreciated, and things like this happening create even more barriers to queer stories being able to be told. I put this in simply because I don't want anyone walking into this story, identifying with this character, and then finding out later and being disheartened and disappointed, as I was.

I don't actually think I've posted much about Our Youth on here, but I finished the series over the weekend and wanted to talk about my overall thoughts.

There's so much I loved about the show. It's the first show in quite a while that I actively felt excited to watch every week. It's a trope that I'm often a fan of the 'bad boy with a heart of gold' and the 'nerd'. I did describe the show to a friend as 'what if Bender and Brian from the Breakfast Club ended up together?' which isn't the most inaccurate tagline, but is certainly not the most contemporary.

There's so much to talk about. I'll start by saying that one of the things that I really appreciated, that spoke to me about the series is how integral queer media is to the story of the characters. Haruki seeing and finding comfort in a queer film, this film being one of the sources of strength he has as he survives the abuse of his father, and eventually opens a door for him to become a filmmaker and tell his own stories is beautiful. It so clearly showcases how queer media is life-changing and life-saving for many queer youth.

There's also this element of telling your own story. We see that directly with Haruki's films, but it's also present in Jin's writing. I think one of the most heartbreaking things we see there is that Jin's story is never 'public', we don't see Jin take a chance there. But there is value in him finding the courage to give Haruki a chance to read his work. Sometimes there's victory in trusting just one or a few people, it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Another theme or topic brought up in the series, particularly in the finale, is marriage equality. I've been taking in a lot more Japanese BLs this last year than I really have Thai BLs or Korean BLs, Taiwanese, etc., and I've seen this brought up more than previously. It's not always as direct as here, but it's there. Seeing over the last 2-3 years marriage equality brought to the forefront in Thai BLs, and now in a matter of days we'll see the new marriage equality law go into effect there, that it kind of gives me hope. I know the societal pressures are different there, and in a lot of ways it's a don't ask, don't tell situation, but consistently bring up the topic, normalizing queer love, both in queer media and in mainstream media, helps to create a path for that progress.

Another aspect I think is well done, though not perfect, is how the time jumps are handled with-in the story. By my figuring the story spans a bit more than a decade, and when creating, and specifically casting that, it can be hard not to create something where you feel like it's teens playing dress up as their father's by the end, or adults acting unconvincingly as children in the beginning, but there's a good balance here, at least with Jin and Haruki. I think part of the stems from the actors ages, Jin's being only 20, and Haruki's 25. that age difference allows Jin to look HS age, and him being believable as young lends credibility to Haruki. It's also almost a visual shorthand for Haruki to look older while they're in HS because he basically had to 'grow up' quickly, leave his childhood behind because of the abuse of his father. Once they move into the university years, they're basically the age of university students, no suspension of disbelief needed, and then in the final episode with that flash forward, it's not unbelievable to think they'd look somewhat the same. Contentment and happiness will hold off a lot on the aging process.

So to move beyond these kind of larger, more impactful concepts, lets get in close and talk some about Haruki and Jin as characters and a couple. The story kind of sets them up to be opposites, but they're more of a mirror of each other than anything. Both suffer from the neglect of their parents, distanced both physically and emotionally, and it's pretty draining for both of them. I think it sets them up to almost recognize each other in a way. Once they both take those small steps to open up to each other, we see the way they treat each other with so much care. There's moments where both are a bit rough around the edges, especially in the first handful of episodes, where they kind of let their emotions overwhelm them, but in most of their interactions, even starting in that first episode, they're so gentle with each other. I really started to pay attention to body language and how characters interact with each other after my no subs watches of Taikan Yoho, and it was to a level here that it was really noticeable or noteworthy.

That gentleness from both of them, that willingness to reach out, even when they're still so young and unsure, shows so much care. These are two boys (in the beginning) that don't feel loved, much less truly valued. The way the treat each other shows that they value the other. They value their thoughts, their feelings, and even the others' future, to the detriment of their own emotional wellbeing. That's a really hefty gift to give someone, and I think they only really feel comfortable doing so because it's reciprocated, even from the very start.

Taking them separately, we'll start with Jin. Jin is easy, he makes himself easy, he doesn't cause a fuss or an uproar, he just exists quietly. Which when you look deeper, when you take the time to look, to see, you see this incredible loneliness in him. What makes it frustrating as a viewer, is we see him having active discussions with teachers, there's opportunities there for people to recognize what's going on there, but the unfortunate thing is that obedient children are kind of overlooked. And Jin often overlooks himself. He's not necessarily shown to have ambitions on the same level as Haruki, but it reads to me more than he's not really allowed himself to really think about his dreams. He's lived his whole life with this understanding of what the expectations are, and so why would he ever seriously considered something outside of that. It lends the finale it's own bittersweetness, because we see Jin choose Haruki, to decide to take that leap, and while he may not be doing it as boldly, but in his own sort of mild, unassuming way, it's still Jin putting his desires first, and that's a triumph on it's own.

To talk about Haruki, Haruki is heartbreaking. Specifically because the way the narrative is presented, we don't know the full story until we're half-way through and already half-way in love with him. We see him through Jin's eyes in the beginning, beautiful, mysterious, almost unfathomable, and as those first few episode pass we start to see a little bit more. The shift in episode 5, now seeing in the story from Haruki's perspective is a rude awakening in many ways. It wasn't that we didn't have empathy for him before, we certainly did, but seeing so blatantly what he was dealing with hits hard. And it wasn't just about the physical abuse he had been dealing with, which is horrific on it's own, but the way Haruki was so close to giving up. The scene I can't get out of my mind is him saying "Whenever he beat me, I decided I wanted to die." That lack of desire to fight to survive shows how much everything had been wearing on him for so long. When he starts to know Jin, when he starts seeing that a future is possible, we see that fight start building up in him, and it's a relief to see. I found myself after episode 7 feeling so frustrated with him because we we had basically watched him be used and abused by his father OR sacrificing for others. We see him having made the choice to not reveal what he's dealing with to his mother, he decides to take the fall and get suspended from school, with the assumption being that he feels that Jin will be better off without him. He doesn't want Jin to choose to stay instead of studying abroad, because he knows Jin has a bright future and he doesn't want to affect that. But for myself, with the perspective of age, I know that there's hope, that Haruki has a future. So I was very in my feels after all of that.

After our time jump into university seeing Haruki now actively pursuing his dream is a relief, with its own counterpoint of sadness as we are seeing Jin pursue a degree he has no passion for. It's all part of what makes this story so affecting, I think. Life is not all hope and rainbows, but it's also not all loneliness and pain. And there's a realism in choosing a future that's steady instead of taking a chance, the same way there's realism in pursuing a dream that seemed unreachable, knowing that there is a safety-net for you if things don't work out.

To talk a bit about what I didn't like- their parents. All of them sucked. Yes, arguably Haruki's dad was by far the worst, being a raging alcoholic who was physically abusive to his son for likely at least a couple years if not more. But even Haruki's mother doesn't get much sympathy from me, though we do see that Haruki holds no grudge for her (because of his fucking self-sacrificing bullshit). Jin's parents, I almost have no words for. There's an acute lack of interest from both, but we'll talk about dad first since I have less to say about him. It surprises me that Jin's dad is as emotionally distant as he is. We see that Jin has a great deal of respect for his dad, he appreciates and has an interest in his work, but his dad never thinks to build on that. I just find it odd. As far as Jin's mother, she's physically a bit more present, though I feel if you asked her flat out if she loved her son she might have to stop and think about it. He's basically a to-do list in her calendar, something that needs to be checked on and checked off, and I wonder how bad it was before the start of the shows timeline. It's not good that a teenaged Jin is being left for weeks at a time on his own, but when did they start doing that? It's a common trope for young Japanese children to be self-sufficient, and it's so open ended that my mind can't help but picture 8, 9, 10 year old Jin being left for days. But he's good, and obedient, and that's just life, so he goes on, and how heartbreaking is that?!? And I'll be honest, I was genuinely surprised to see her texting Jin in the final episode when we've flashed forward. When it feels like neither of them actively work to keep that bond intact, how was it still there? I suppose the answer is duty.

The emotional and physical trauma both Haruki and Jin deal with, I also didn't love--because it made me an absolute emotional wreck. I have some mixed feelings over how some things were handled, or specifically how most things were not at all handled. The resolution for a lot of the issues that we see is no resolution. Yes, we see that the emotional connection forged between Haruki and Jin is a beacon for both, enabling them to weather their individual storms, once that concept is established, it kind of drops off to nowhere. It's not even that it's built upon to the point where they both become self-sufficient or confident in themselves, it just is there, then in ep 7 (I think) they just go their separate ways and we're never shown that they're still affecting each others lives. We're shown that they're still in love with each other, that the other is still in their thoughts, but not how their experiences helped to shape them directly. It's worse with Haruki's father's death. It's an INSANELY traumatizing event, and it's almost treated like "well now he can't beat him any more and he can go live with his mom and everything is fine", and like...WHAT? Setting aside for a short moment the fact that being the one present at the loss of a parent even an abusive one, is gonna be traumatic, there's so much emotional distress and grief that comes from losing an abusive parent, especially as a child. Because it's not just grief of the person, it's grief of the unknown. Could there have been a future where his dad got sober and they had a happy life? A time where his dad became what he had been before? A revisit of that loving father? So you're also working through that loss also, and that's really not even a blip of a thought it feels like.

My final thought is something I didn't like, because it made me sad, but also still makes sense within the narrative, and that's the fact that we never see Jin or Haruki come out. I know we get tired of coming out stories, and I didn't need a dedicated scene or episode showing either coming out, but in the final episode where we see the friend group come back together we're shown in no uncertain terms that they are not out to them, & even more that their friends don't know they're dating each other. And I think that sucks. I think it's reasonable and understandable that either might not be out to their parents (though fr your dad makes gay movies Jin--so why not?) or to coworkers and acquaintances, but to have friends you've seen and known for more than a decade and you're still afraid? That's so sad.

Overall, the word I might use to describe this love story is unassuming. It's not necessarily bold, but steady, which is something both characters need. They went through their teen years with different versions of upheaval and loneliness, and in the end they have each other, they have work that supports them, and they feel like they have a future, and that's something I think their teenage selves could have never even imagined.

Thanks for reading.

*Also, I pulled some pics/stills whatever from @colourme-feral who has an excellent series offering more context to the subtitle translations. Absolutely amazing, and I definitely recommend checking them out if you haven't.

Okay. I've had some time to consider the episode, organize my thoughts (potentially) but I think this still might be a bit of a ramble....sorry.

So we do start off right where we left off where they're coming back on the boat, and they're talking on the beach. I mentioned in my watch along a lot of these thoughts, so I'm kind of just expanding on them, so it might be helpful to read that first. But I've taken an interest in a lot of the body language happening in the show, and looking at the scene it gives me this feeling of Mut sort of invading Rak's space, but just enough.

Like their legs are entwined, but there's decent distance from their upper bodies, which given Rak's hesitation to get too close, or be too charmed by Mut really works for me. Given the scene prior, and Rak's sort of level of upset, it feels pretty clear that Mut is working to kind of distract Rak. And Rak basically jumps on that opportunity. It actually kind of reminds me of Sky in that way, like we don't have a confirmation of Sky's general MO in regard to sex, but the ONS read a little bit to me as an intentional decision to distract himself. I get that same feeling here, Rak doesn't want to think about why he reacted as he did, or consider how vulnerable he made himself, and so he kind of thinks by jumping into a sexual experience that will distract both him and Mut.

I have (as is kind of always the case with Mame) reservations on the kind of D/s undertones she uses. I got to be honest, part of the issue is the weird commitment to putting Peat's character in the more submissive position (she did it with Sky too) I honestly don't find that it suits him or his characters well, and is based solely on his body type versus his personality. Setting that aside for now, I will say that I appreciate direct expression of oral sex. In LITA specifically (I know I'm calling back to that a lot, but it's hard not to use it as a comparison, specifically for the NC scenes) we saw two separate allusions to oral sex, or honestly we were robbed of two NC scenes involving oral. The ONS, where Pai doesn't let Sky give him a BJ, and then the bathroom scene that ended up getting cut where we see Prapai giving. I made this observation (among friends, not publically...I don't think) that I think the intentional exclusion of that specific sex act in Thai BL leads me to believe there's a particular reason why it's not included. In terms of MM sex we see your standard penetrative sex pretty regularly, and then small sprinkles of handjobs in general, but oral is almost never even alluded to, much less shown. Now I'm honestly not super caught up on a lot of Thai BL, but I would say I've seen more direct expressions of oral in the last year, than I had seen in two years prior since I got into Thai BL. So overall I think it's a step in the right direction in encouraging a more well-rounded and accurate depiction of the gay experience.

In terms of the actual physical acting of the scene...I'm gonna say C+. It's less about their facial expressions and more about positioning and timing...in a way. I will salute the decision for oral sex if you're doing it on a beach, because that is going to be your least chafe-y option.

Following this we get a return of the humor with Rak saying they need to go back to the hotel room immediately...Clearly leading Mut to believe that the sexy times will continue, but they do not. Rak starts writing, we don't get insight into the specific scene, but I do wonder if the written scenes mirror the IRL experiences or not. Like how similar are they? During that time we see Mut basically pouting and then googling Rak. This gives us our first suggestion in the show I think that Rak is basically a self-insert for Mame. And we see the covers for The Boy Next World as well as Love Director, two novels that 'Rak' has written and are being made into series. He follows that up by checking what looks to be basically Rak's Instagram, containing many pictures of Rak looking incredibly attractive and then basically excuses himself to take a shower.

Rak finishes his scene, and I'm not really sure if he's kind of run out of mojo, or if he's just done with that scene in general, but he goes looking for Mut and he sure does find him. Now I did miss the arm movement initially and thought we were just appreciating the rear view so to speak, but then you realize that Mut is in fact jacking off.

Overall, it seems a case of "Well, we've already crossed the line" and we have the most minimal discussion of terms. I'm not a person who cares at all about the sexual decisions that adults make, but as someone who is close friends with people who have and continue to work in the sex industry, it is of course not a necessarily safe way to go about those types of negotiations. This is not a dealbreaker for me by any means in regards to watching the show, I genuinely don't expect anything overly realistic, it's just an observation.

Moving on to the main event as it were, the sort of antagonistic flirting is on point, which with Fort and Peat is not surprising. They mentioned that Mame gave them an opportunity to do what felt natural for their characters and I do feel that in the conversation and acting in the shower. Once we move back to the bedroom things move very quickly, and while I think the scene is very good, it doesn't feel passionate in the same way the earlier scene does, or previous NC scenes we've seen from FortPeat as PrapaiSky (except for one in particular and I'll get back to that). I'm not personally sure if this was an acting choice, if it was just how the scene ended up, if it was directing, I truly don't know. I think though it really fits the situation in a particular way. The almost emotionless sex feels appropriate because they don't truly have feelings for each other yet, not really. Flirting and attraction aside, there's not a true emotional connection, especially on Rak's part. And I'm sorry, but it reminds me of the ONS in LITA. It's the only sex scene we see of Prapai and Sky where there are positions where they aren't facing each other, which creates an emotional distance. It's why we see missionary position so often in BLs even when that may not be the go-to position for MM sex. Having characters face each other creates an emotional connection.

The choice makes sense if you consider that both Rak and Sky are going into this sexual encounter with the intention of maintaining emotional distance. And even Mut and Prapai at this point, while intrigued by this very attractive person, aren't coming into it from an overly emotional place. So, overall I do think in this scene it's a vibe that really works for me, and I'm interested to see how these scenes change as the characters open up more to each other.

Once Rak is done, he's very definitively done and sends Mut away, but does admit to himself that this Mut is one of the best he's ever had.

We then cut to the next day and get more of what I personally call Mut's village rounds, just him going around and talking to different people from the community, and we see more interactions with Palm, the bartender from episode one. They're interactions are really cute, I actually really enjoy him. He has good doofus energy. Anyway, after that Mut heads to the hotel because Palm told him that all the single staff there were trying to 1- figure out Rak's sexuality and 2- potentially woo him because he's rich. So Mut is there sitting with a group of ladies, to Rak's eyes he's flirting, but we don't hear much if any of the conversation, so it's unclear if there's actual flirting or if it's just Mut's general charisma. I also don't think we've gotten any specific clarity on Mut or Rak's sexuality in terms of whether they are gay, bi, or pan. I personally suspect that Rak does not feel attracted to women, but that's my own read on it. Mut is harder to nail down, but we haven't seen nearly as much of him in a flirting-approriate situation. But back to the point. Rak sees Mut with the women, he hears hotel staff talking about how he's a catch or something (I skimmed over that on the second watch, sorry) and he's jealous.

We see a peek at Rak's impulsiveness here (like the beach and the shower, and even the robe scene of last episode) and he sends Mut 65,000 Baht which is $1,771 in USD, so not small change, and basically comes up and stakes his claim on him. We get more of Peat's English here, and I'm guessing we might get more of it when he returns to Bangkok, or maybe just more if we see more conversations with Connor. I have feelings about the whole "I paid for you, I don't share", as discussed above, but I do think it gives insight to Rak, and the kind of slippery slope he's found himself on here.

Mut leaves with him after agreeing to feed him and we do get an adorable montage of them on the motorbike. While the tone of the episode shifts throughout, I don't feel like it's quite as abrupt as the previous episode, and I think the motorbike scene really sets up the future of Rak kind of finding some peace not only in Mut, but also in this rural community. Once they arrive at the area where the restaurant is we get the joke that the motorbike ride set up, which is that it may not be the best mode of transportation if you spent the previous night engaging in pretty vigorous anal activity. Fair enough, and the teasing there from Mut using his Southern dialect is downright adorable, but what's most interesting is we get confirmation that both Mut and Rak are out in their communities.

While this is not necessarily surprising with Mame, outside of her university set stories most of her characters are reconciled of their sexuality from the start. They may not necessarily be publicly out, but they're aware of and enerally accepting of their sexuality and even confident in it. I actually think Mame's spectrum of where people are at in their coming out journey is one of the better aspects of her shows, as it gives people at all different parts of that journey characters they can relate to.

We re-encounter Palm here, he's kind of similar to Mut, or at least Mut a few years ago, a less than flush native of the island who works whatever odd jobs he can find. Rak finds him a bit annoying which is fair, but I did enjoy the small bit of teasing between Palm and Mut. I think they have a pretty cute bro relationship. Once they go to sit down Rak (and we the viewer) get to meet another community member who heaps quite a bit of praise on Mut for his work and contribution to their community. Mut's shy reaction is very sweet and the scene overall offers a glimpse to Rak of the person Mut truly is, beyond the shameless flirt.

We also get backstory for Mut, learning that he had a falling out with his father at 15, leading to him leaving that home. It's not clear if his sexuality may have been a factor, but homophobic parents have been present in Mame's work before and are something that very sadly continues to be consistent in many queer kids lives IRL, so I don't think it's farfetched. This particular scene is one of the most well-acted I think we've gotten from Fort in it's minimalism. I think Fort feels comfortable with the flirty-charmer character type, and the way he holds himself, how he schools his face, his tone, as he talks about the fallout with his father is so well done. His eyes too, Fort does a lot of really excellent acting with his eyes. What particularly felt accurate to me was the sort of emotionlessness that we see. Experiences like he had, particularly with a parent are really hard to reconcile. As humans we want to have a loving relationship with our parents, more specifically we want to be certain they love us. When it becomes clear they don't, it's a very difficult thing to accept, in particular because it's necessary to simultaneously recognize that you are not at fault in the situation. That's kind of why most people require actual therapy to work through experiences like this. But when that's not an option, the way you deal with it is usually dissociation. You can't dwell on it, let it get to close, because then it will cause a problem, so you keep it at arm's length. That's what we see here with Mut, and what Fort portrays so well. We also get one of the most heartbreaking lines in Mut saying "My dad never takes back what he says. I suppose that's the only thing we have in common." Mut is proud of being a person who keeps their word, we see him mention it before, and we now see that it's a trait with a direct connection to his father. Seemingly the only potentially positive connection he can create there.

For Rak's part, we see those little cracks forming in those walls, he recognizes Mut's vulnerability, he's practically appalled at the idea of Mut's father kicking him out, which based on what we can presume is a very close relationship with his mother, sister, and niece, is understandable. He doesn't understand that betrayal from family really. But he's starting to see Mut as a more well rounded human being, versus the way he'd initially saw him which is solely a potential sex partner/distraction. We then start to get our first bit of insight into Rak when Mut asks him why he became a writer. In the voiceover we hear that he started writing to escape, but his spoken response is that it started as him just wanting to share stories he loved with people. Given that his chosen genre is romance, he wanted to escape to these happily ever after love stories, and share them with people who also want that, because to him happily ever after is only a fantasy, it's not attainable in the real world. Peat's body language is wonderful here, the crossed arms, and looking off kind of the side instead of meeting Mut's gaze directly show that he's being deliberate in how much he's sharing, but in the end I think he still reveals more than he intended with his answers. Mut questions if he's happy, and Rak says that if he weren't he wouldn't be Tongrak, the writer, to which Mut replies "That's all there is to life. And you've been doing a good job". Now I kind of feel like there's nuance missing in the translation, but I'm not the person to address that. But the sentiment seems to be 'happiness is what's important, and by valuing that you're doing a good job' and Rak is very touched by that. He says he doesn't recieve compliments very often, and while I don't know if that's fully accurate given his success and handsomeness, there's a great deal of difference in someone complimenting your work or your looks and someone recognizing that that you're doing a good job as a person, especially a person with a traumatic past. Being a survivor of any kind of trauma creates a lot of pitfalls that are difficult to overcome and create even a semblance of a normal life, and so having that effort recognized, even if not directly is really affirming. We see Rak very intentionally return this compliment to Mut, which communicates a level of recognition.

This conversation also kind of confirms for me that Rak is a bit of a self-insert character for Mame, especially considering that he brings up criticism that his stories get. I've never directly seen or encountered it, but I have heard rumors of Mame getting upset and even responding to negative critiques of her work. Her use of more problematic tropes is a valid criticism, and while I can see some progress from one series to the next, I do also feel like she falls back on what's "easy" instead of really trying to push her stories into more positive directions. While her sexuality is her business, she is a woman writing about gay male relationships, and honestly sometimes it's unrealistic to the point of being distracting. As I've said before, I don't truly expect realism from Mame, but her stories are meant to be in the genre of realistic fiction, they're not fantasy or sci-fi (leaving TBNW out of it for now). It's also very important to recognize that many gay men who watch BL do find some of the tropes she often uses to be damaging, both because they portray gay men in not the best light, but also because they set up potentially problematic expectations in young queer or questioning men who might partake in her stories.

We then cut to night again, joining Mut at home and he's trying to weasel information out of Kom, who does ask Connor, but Connor refuses to give any, only telling him to ask Rak himself, which I appreciate. We can suspect that Connor is kinda trying to matchmake here, but I appreciate him being a good friend to Rak and not revealing his secrets. In the end he calls Rak and invites him diving and we get to the last portion of this episode. Let us pray I can fit my thoughts in a single post.

Now aside from how honestly weird it is that Rak showed up for diving in a small fortunes worth of luxury jewlery (why?), when he sees Palm there as well he gets a little upset, seemingly because he thought there was potential for another hookup. Which I guess is fine, but why would you think diving is the code word for that, when it's literally part of how Mut makes is living? But moving on, they get out into the water, Mut get's Rak all set in his gear and as he's going to get Palm to help him get his gear on Rak goes ahead and dives (that impulsiveness again!). Setting aside my frustration with Rak's fully dangerous decision here, we do get a really lovely little scene of the underwater flora and fauna. Things take a downturn when Rak has a series of flashbacks. It's not really clear what triggers them here, but we see three scenes back to back. First his parents arguing, when he's quite young...8-9 (?), then him comforting his sister, both of them late teens it looks like (they look to be in school uniforms, but could potentially be college), after her boyfriend leaves her after finding out she's pregnant, and then with his mother again, the final sentence is a bit garbled, and not translated in the captions, but logically I think it's something along the lines of "Don't trust in love, if you don't want to end up like me."

As a child, watching two women he cares for deeply suffering because men that they trusted to love and care for them simply didn't would certainly put a bad taste in anyone's mouth about love. So we've kind of identified the catalyst for why Rak doesn't believe in love, even having witnessed it with Kom and Connor. Though I understand in the book there's perhaps some insight into negative feelings related to that relationship, and Kom "taking Connor away". I haven't read either Love Sea or Love Sand, so this is based off of conversations with people who have, so I could be wrong, but I don't think it's a stretch to think of Rak grappling with negative thoughts related to Kom and Connor, even if he's recognizing that those thoughts are a bit ridiculous. It's normal to mourn the loss of what was easy and comfortable when friends find romantic partners and you have to figure out what the new normal is, you just have to make sure you keep resentment and negative feelings under control and don't let them fester.

I will point out though, is that one cinematic choice that's made here is having the sort of washed out blue tones of the flashbacks match the underwater coloring. It keeps the scenes from being too jolting as they cut back and forth, an dI think it was an excellent idea.

Due to the flashback Rak kind of panics, looses his regulator and Mut basically finds him just in time. Giving him some mouth to mouth oxygen before getting him reset so they can go back to the surface.

This type of scene would have been very difficult to film, even if it wa managed in a single take, which is kind of unlikely, and so massive props to Fort and Peat for doing some amazing work here.

Returning to the boat we see Mut become very serious about how dangerous Rak's actions were, but that seriousness is balanced with a lot of empathy as well. I can't fully express my thoughts on the metaphor I feel like is intended in the "they need buddies" conversation, but there's something happening there. Mut does try to talk about why Rak panicked, but Rak shuts him down and we get a convo about the wordplay that is their names instead. Mut here is trying to lighten the situation a bit, and I think Rak kind of recognizes that, but is too stuck in his darker memories to really let it happen and he says something I don't know that he means to. That "Love is a figment of our imaginations". And he believes that, and you can see that Mut know he believes it, and his reaction is the most "Oh sweetie" look I've ever seen. (Seriously, Fort's expressions are always so fantastic). The moment is broken when Rak pulls a Kim Theerapanyakul and says "I'm hungry" and walks away.

We do get s teensy post credits scene which returns us to the restaurant where Rak sadly finds out that at many fresh seafood restaurants those tanks aren't just for ambiance (Bless you red fish for nourishing us) and we get some more good natured flirting from Mut "Will you eat me if I'm tasty"...boy if you don't.

Now we saw this same kind of thing last ep, where we ended on a pretty serious tone, go the end title screen and then a more humorous scene after. I think it's kind of intended to leave us as an audience on a more positive note instead of just wandering through the rest of our day traumatized and sobbing.

As we see the actual credits roll we get confirmation of my suspicion that the scene might change and progress as the episodes go on and indeed this episode we see Mut join Rak at the beach at a companionable distance. A bit curious to see if we might also have a change up when they go to the city.

Anything Mame Related, including TharnType, Don't Say No, Love in the Air, Wedding Plan, Love Sea, LITA-japan, Boy Next World

Boy Next World: Intro to story and characters

Official Trailer post with discussion of potential story changes BIG SPOILERS

Post- episode 3 thoughts - basically everything I've been kind of musing about through the first 3 episodes.

Post-episode 5 rambles

Finale first thoughts (potentially final thoughts)

Wedding Plan: They met as Children Lom Nuea

Love in the Air

Payu & Rain Conspiracy Theory

1 year Anniversary video

Sky becoming soft for Prapai

Pai/Sky oneshots

Prap-Eyes gifset

We were robbed

Prapai/Sky and boundaries

Prapai & Reformed Rake character type

Sky/Prapai thoughts

Episode 8 thoughts

Sky in the One Night Stand

Noeul’s acting

Rain is not a bad friend

Payu and having his hair down-hair care as a show of affection

Love in the Air is a Character-driven story

Love in the Air- Japan

Episode 1 thoughts

Episode 2 thoughts

Episode 3 & 4 thoughts

Episode 5 thoughts

Episode 6 thoughts

Episode 7 thoughts

Episode 8 (finale) thoughts

Love Sea

Love Sea: Intro to characters

These are mostly watch-alongs with a smattering of more indepth thoughts.

Episode 1 Additional point about acting

Episode 2 Body Language thoughts

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

So... I've watched the first 3 episodes, I didn't really feel like I had much to say really about the first two episodes, so I didn't post anything. Now that things have started gearing up, I feel like I actually have some things to talk about. I will try to go kind of chronologically, but inevitably this will probably become a mishmash of all three eps so far.

To start with episode one, it's very much direct from the novel, I feel like. There might be some parts that are new, it's been a year since I read the novel, but it felt very much that. It's a good and intriguing introduction, but also, you're not overly invested in the story. I was more focused and excited to see Boss and Noeul working together again, and because of the premise of the story we don't have to wait to see them be soft and adorable with each other, we're given that immediately with alternate reality CirPhu. That being said, while the first episode I think does a good idea of introducing Phu, we're not getting much from Cir.

I made a short tiktok about episode one, where I mentioned that there is potentially a bit of a Edward Cullen Syndrome happening with Cir. He's characterized as cold, and so he feels very distant, in an almost too extreme way. I think this is intentional on the part of Boss acting-wise, and the director, but it does make it difficult for me to really be invested. It's not really until episode 2 that I start to soften towards Cir.

I think a lot of the confusion I feel in this first episode comes from the perspective from which we are offered the story. Phu has just basically stumbled into all of this, he has no idea what's happening, so there's no insight to be gained from him yet. Cir is at best an unreliable narrator as he's recently suffered a head injury, and so we truly don't know exactly what is happening. I'm not entirely sure how much of this confusion is fully intentional, and how much is accidental.

Moving into episode 2, our story is chugging along, but we're not really offered a lot more information overall, just little glimpses that bring more questions than answers. I am a person that already struggles with mystery stories, I've never been good at picking up clues or solving things, even when dealing with mysteries from masters of the craft. So truly, I'm not really trying to figure out exactly what is happening, but I am trying to be observant of what is going on. The issue is that the little oddnesses I notice lead to different conclusions.

For example- Jin; his reactions to Cirrus and specifically the things he says are very cryptic and weird. But they make me kind of think that it is exactly what happens int he novel, but that Jin has been noticing Cir, and is saying these things to express and almost give warning that he knows even if Phugun doesn't.

What we've seen these first couple of episodes, the final clip in the trailer; those two things combined almost feed into the idea of something like a Butterfly Effect situation. If you're not familiar with that film, guy figures out he can change his past, he basically inhabits his past self, and the new choices he makes change his future and those around him in ways he can't predict. With the sort of opening scene of the car thieves trying to bust into Phu's car and the revisit to that scene repeatedly, combined with Cir's 'lack of interest' in attempting to get home, kind of makes me think that the Phu in the other world is gone. And so what we're seeing is the Cir figuring out some way to come to this other world and now have the Phu that is here.

There's also the odd nightmare situations we've seen in episode three (and maybe episode two, I'm not 100% sure) which kind of lead one to think it might be a head injury- coma dream scenario. Like the nightmares are him becoming lucid perhaps. I don't know. Everything is pretty open-ended right now, and nothing combines into an idea that really solidifies.

If you haven't read any of my other posts about TBNW, I did read the novel, and recently read the special chapters as well, so I do know what the original story is, but they've added a lot, specifically a lot that might alter where the story actually goes. Also for transparency, I think Mame SHOULD (and hopefully has, since it's already been filmed) change the story. The original conclusion is at this point out-dated and is pretty problematic, which is saying a lot when we're talking about Mame.

Episode two has Phu kind of confronting this idea of Cir/the parallel universe, and is more Phu-centric than our first episode. We're given more insight into who he his as a person, his superstition, and his daily life, while we see how Cir fit into that life in the alternate reality. We get more glimpses of their life together there, and are shown very directly how much that loss is affecting Cir. I talked a bit about it in my novel breakdown, but episode two really brings home this idea that providing support to Phu is almost a compulsion for Cir. It's existentially concerning to him to simply let Phu deal with the consequences of his 'flighty-ness'.

I will say my favorite thing about the second episode is seeing the point of divergence, that is the decision that was made that split the timeline (see graphic below) which is the cup/string phone incident in high school. Phu drops the cup out of the classroom window and Cir, on the floor below picks it up. Cir either answers or doesn't, and it eventually becomes Cir either directly meeting Phu or not. I think it gives a lot of insight into how both people became who they are. In both realities Phu makes a choice to be bold, to tell the joke into the cup-phone, but in one it's rewarded, and in another it's not. So we see a Phugun now who doesn't really take chances. He has his small band of friends, people he has an easy time getting along with, but he's not really putting himself out there in any significant way. It's the same for Cir, that moment where he could choose to be brave and literally answer the call or not, and in one he does and he finds a relationship and a life full of warmth, and in another he hides and as a result is never really seen by the person he want to see him.

Episode three feels focused of Cir, but so much of my focus is on Phu, because we see him choosing to help Cir. He decides that he must help Cir get back to his Phu, and I believe does his best to help, but it's not really a problem you can look up a wiki-how for.

But this now spending time with a handsome man who treats you like the most precious thing in the world, it's hard not to fall for that. It makes sense why Phu is so reluctant to be close to Cir, because in his mind Cir is taken, and he's softhearted enough to worry about how a lone Phu would feel with a now-ignorant Cir. Again, this is what kind of makes Cir's lack of desire to get back to his Phu even more suspicious. We really start to see Phu falling for Cir, understandably, even in the face of concern over his 'taken' status, which has me as a viewer very concerned. I don't want his heart broken.

We do also see the official introduction of Cir's mother...who is a raggedy bitch and can get bent. It really feels like Cir is grasping at any semblance of control or agency he has, given that it's made pretty clear that his mother does not plan for him to be making any choices.

I have some things to say about Phu's isolation, and how it relates to his grief over his father, his mother leaving, and how that's kind of made him do the opposite thing to Cir. He had someone he loved deary and lost abruptly, which dominoed into him losing his mother. I know she's not dead, just absent, but for a grieving teen it might as well be the same thing, because he's fully separated himself and makes no effort to really build relationships. Cir has never even had the freedom to want anything, all choices were made for him, and so when he finds a person that sees him as more than a token, he cleaves to that person disregarding all else, which while it seems sweet, is not healthy behavior and can have very detrimental consequences.

Lastly I will say the cinematography continues to be absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad Mame brought directors back in, because it really does up the visual impact of her stories, and I truly hope she keeps this guy on the books, because he's so talented.

I joke, but truly there are some really beautiful shots throughout the first few episodes.

This most recent episode (16), and a commentary video I was watching on tiktok put this together for me... But part of their arc has been Yotha understanding what relationships are, and can be, and should be, and him maturing into a space where he can be that person for Gun. When we start out he's, I don't want to say selfish cuz it's not quite that but I don't quite have the word, but he's more self-interested. He wants Gun for himself because Gun makes him feel something specific that he can't really identify. In a lot of ways, I don't think he sees Gun fully, and as he learns more about him, he starts to see him better. And that happens fairly quickly. But he kind of is forcing or enabling these interactions with Gun not in like an inherently negative or exploitative way, but setting things up so that there's a specific interaction that will happen because he doesn't know why he wants it, but he wants it. And now that we're in this last episode we see him like fully go into like turbo boyfriend mode. And you start to understand kind of why he was setting up those types of situations/interactions.

To now get more clear and specific about it. Even though love languages is a little bit of a scam, they're still (I think) useful for talking about how a lot of people will interact with each other and it becomes clear in this episode that one of the things that Yotha likes to do is acts of service with the way that he's consistently thinking about Gun and doing things to help him be more comfortable and just generally happier. And we have seen him do these things throughout their arc. Taking care of him when he's sick and often prioritizing him to his own (Yotha's) detriment a little bit. But with the final little scenes and the voice over and talking about the ties and tying their ties together and that as a like metaphor for staying together throughout their future, whatever it would bring... It makes me realize that the reason he didn't want to learn to tie a tie is because he wanted Gun to do it for him, which like that we understood but it was a way for him to get Gun to preform an act of service for Yotha.

I feel like I'm explaining this in a way that sounds negative... but I mean it more in a way of you often teach people things by example. He knows that Gun doesn't really know him and he doesn't have really the courage to clearly express to Gun about what he wants. But Gun is a kind person, and he can tell that doing this small thing for Yotha makes him happy and if it's not causing him any issues then there's no problem here. So when we see all of those episodes and those moments where he's going to him to get him to tie his tie or very specifically, I would say the fact that he is fully removing and untying his tie to begin with because once Gun ties it, he could just loosen it to slip it over his head and then it would never have been a request to have again, but he doesn't. He keeps taking it all the way off and that either requires Gun to retie it for him on him or pre-tie it so that he can just slip it on and in both of those situations it's like this confirmation to Yotha that Gun would do this small thing for him. And because this is kind of related to love languages, he likes this feeling that he gets when Yotha is doing this act of service, because he never really felt like people who were supposed to love him were ever going out of their way even in the most smallest of ways to do things that made him feel cared for.

And of course, a lot of this is related to his parents and in some ways this was something that his parents had control over, but in a lot of ways it was things that his parents didn't really have control over. Because as kids we don't always have the ability to recognize when parents are making a choice that we feel is the wrong choice because they have no other choice or they don't understand how detrimental the choice is. This is not a defense of Yotha's mom. I think that bitch is terrible. Her explanations only made her look worse, and Yotha's right to want to distance himself from her, in my opinion. Their semi-reconciliation today to me, I took it more as a Yotha deserves to not have that weight on him versus she actually deserved to be forgiven by her children for the shit she fucked up. Because in The immortal words of Vivi Anne Walker in The Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood, "There are things for which I don't expect to be forgiven, not by my children."

But back onto the actual topic of this whole ramble. We became aware as we watched the story of how War kinda fucked Yotha up as his first partner, by encouraging behavior that was solely focused around War's wants and needs, and ignoring Yotha's. Then when he meets Gun and he experiences Gun even MINORLY inconveniencing himself to help him out, he has a moment of recognition. He starts to see how relationships are meant to go both ways. And he doesn't really know how to express any of this, as we see, both because he's not even really sure of what he feels, but also because he's just scared. But just as he is doing all of these things for Gun because he cares for him, he's also creating these situations for Gun to do things for him, in hopes that he'll also feel good from doing them and want to do them more. This feels like I'm saying it's very planned out and intentional, but I think it's done more subconsciously, and certainly not done in any nefarious way.

When we get into the final part of the episode with the voiceover talking about tying their ties together, it feels symbolic of their growth in a specific way, because they're now both on the same level, they both now know how to tie a tie, but in that same vein, that means they can tie each others. It's walking together as equals, but not separate.

So, I didn't really have a lot to say post episode 4 (other than my standard which is that Cir's mom is a raggedy bitch) so I didn't really talk much about it. Post ep.5 I have quite a few thoughts, some positive some negative. We are gonna start off with the random though.

Potential spoilers below break through ep 5 and kinda for the novel.