#half-dead-half-wit

Writer: @dannyphandump

“If you’re that worried about it, you could always throw the match,” Vic said as Nick paced in front of her.

“Nope.  Can’t do it.  I made it this far, I go big or go home on my own terms.”  Nick shuddered and took a bite out of his emotional support hot pocket.  “Besides, Ninja’s good. He’s totally gonna kick my butt either way.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”  Tali smirked, lounging against the wall in the pit.

“Who are you supposed to be, Clockwork?”  Nick scowled.

“Nah.  Clockwork’s way less helpful.  But he is excited to be here, so go out there an put on a good show.”  Tali grinned and flashed him a thumbs-up.

“All my hard announcing work, and this is how you repay me?  ...Am I even getting paid?  Have I been enduring Aurora’s vibe checks without even being compensated??”

“Bold of you to assume any of us get compensated.”  Vic snorted.

“Ha ha ha ANYWAY,” Tali cleared their throat before shoving Nick towards the door, which led out into the ring.  “Don’t re-die! Or do!!  Good luck!!!”

“Wow.  Three exclamation points.”  Vic nodded somberly.  “He’s a goner.”

“Maybe.  Maybe not.”  Tali shrugged cryptically before Vic teleported them both back to the VIP box, where Clockwork was sharing a bowl of popcorn with the three (mostly-)living teenagers.

“We sell regular popcorn?”  Tali blinked. “Huh.  Learn new things every day.  Anyway!”

They dooted the kazoo.

“Stepping into the ring is Ninja (half-dead-half-wit) and Nick (ecto-american)!  I would give them better introductions but you know who they are, also I procrastinated and I only have 15 minutes left to write this, so!  PHIGHT!”

“Hope you’re ready to be left out to dry!”  Ninja said, pulling the Fenton Wash&Dry out from… well, Tali didn’t really know where.

“Didn’t he use that last round?”  Danny asked.

“There’s no rule that the phighters can’t use the Fenton gear twice.”  Tali shrugged.  “But will it be enough??”

“Two question marks.”  Vic nodded, prompting Danny to raise an eyebrow.

“Too much dialogue tags!  Shut up and let me announce!”

Vic rolled her eyes.

“ANYWAY— Ninja’s loading the Wash&Dry with Fenton Pods now, oh man, that’s— one, two, three— twenty-seven Fenton Pods, that’s gonna be a lot of bubbles— but oh, it looks like Nick’s got a trick up his sleeve too!”

Nick snuck behind Ninja under the cover of his cloud of darkness.  While Ninja was almost ready to explode the Wash&Dry with the unholy power of Too Much Detergent, Nick added the special ingredient chemical X: FANFIC REVIEWER TEARS.

“Oh no,” Vic said.  “This won’t end well.”

“It doesn’t.”  Clockwork smiled and ate another handful of popcorn.

The Wash&Dry still exploded.  It exploded a lot.  Much explode.  Very water.  Much tears. All over Ninja.

Unfortunately for him, that explosion just happened to be of the emotional variety.

Tears shed over angst and hurt bubbled up with the sheer crack energy of the Fenton Pods.  The end result was a mixture that fried all of Ninja’s emotions, leaving him face-down on the pavement.

“That… was not what I was expecting,” Danny said.  Nick seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“That actually worked??”

“Two question marks,” Vic said again.  “You really need to chill, Tali.”

“SHUT UP, IVE GOT LIKE FIVE MINUTES.”

They played The Final Coutdown on the kazoo as horror dawned on Nick’s face.

“Half-dead-half-wit is unable to battle!  Ecto-american wins! Which means he will be facing Aurora in the Phinal!”

“As I knew.”  Clockwork grinned.

Writer:  @dannyphandump

“She’s so tiny!”  Danny laughed as the next phighter flew into the ring, only for Tali to elbow him in the ribs.

“What?  This is supposed to be funny, isn’t it?”

“I’m legally obligated to elbow anyone who makes short jokes.  Or I can steal your kneecaps.  You can make a ghostly tail; you probably don’t need them anyway.”

Tali eyed the kneecaps in question until Danny looked sufficiently unnerved.

To be fair, Hag was fairy sized.  The fits-in-the-palm of your hand kind.  And she was dragging a gun the size of the Fenton Bazooka.

But still, Tali was never one to miss an opportunity to elbow someone in the ribs.

Ninja flew into the ring from the opposite end, and he was failing to hold back laughter too.

“How are you even gonna fire that thing?”  He taunted.

“Hang on, save the trash talk until after I start the match!”  Tali said into the voice-amplifying kazoo.  “Match 27: @horrendoushag vs. @half-dead-half-wit!  PHIGHT!”

“I’ll show you how I’m going fire it,” Hag said.  

With a strength disproportionate to her tiny body, Hag hefted the bazooka up to her shoulder.  Ninja flinched as a bright pink light coalesced around the barrel— 

Only to be hit by a giant heart that poofed up into more pink smoke.

Ninja collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

“That was… something,” Sam deadpanned.

“Her gun only shoots hearts,” Tali explained.  “Hearts are the most powerful weapon of all.”

They raised the kazoo to their lips— 

But then Ninja was back on his feet (or, rather, back to hovering with his ghostly tail flickering behind him) and slammed what appeared to be a cardboard cutout of “spider danny” at Hag’s face.

Or, well, Hag’s all-of-her.  Being incredibly tiny and all.

The bazooka fell from her hands, thudding to the ground.

“Nngh…”

“Aw.”  Tali frowned.  “The power of hearts lost… Sora would be so disappointed.”

Writer: @dannyphandump

“On to match 14!  Introducing the Far Frozen’s friendly neighborhood gremoblin:  Ninja!”

In the audience, several ghosts held up signs with the words “dead” “half” and “wit,” but they were so disorganized, no one would be able to tell they were meant to spell half-dead-half-wit.  They might have been able to pass it off as some kind of modern art statement, though.

“And his opponent:  a knight of Pariah’s Empire, the wielder of the legendary Baguette Blade herself:  Dallas!”

This time the signs read “phantom” “bread” and “project,” but those were even more indecipherable.  Maybe Honeden had gotten tipsy on the distilled ectoplasm before this round.

“PHIGHT!”

Ninja tucked his hand under his jacket, then whipped out throwing stars with blinding speed.  Or wait— those weren’t throwing stars, they were… 

“Ooooh, dank memes.”  Technus nodded sagely.  “Always a good way to throw a glitch in the matrix.”

“Ugh, it’s the spider pose again.”  Danny dropped his head into his hands.  

Tali squinted and adjusted her glasses.  He was right: the throwing stars had the cursed image of Danny’s crouching form plastered onto them.  They were pretty sure Vic had brought that monstrosity into being sometime since the last Phight Club.

Dallas batted aside the first few memes, but each one put a dent in her dense stick of bread.

“You got this, Dallas!”  Aster shouted from the crowd.

Dallas fell into a more solid stance, drawing power from her friend’s encouragement.  But would it be enough?

“Alright, this is it!”  Ninja shouted.  Then, in a ploy much like Jigglypuff using Rest in Super Smash Bros, he lost consciousness.  His last act was to hurl one more throwing star as he collapsed to the ground.

The meme-infused star exploded on contact with the Baguette Blade.  Tali leaned forward and wiped her glasses, but the smoke was too thick— who had come out on top?

When the smoke finally cleared, The stick of bread was smoking and charred on the ground.  Ninja wobbled unsteadily to his feet before falling on top of Dallas with a weak thumbs-up.

“Never doubt the power of memes.”  Technus grinned.

Tali dooted the beginning of the Danny Phantom theme on the kazoo.  

Writer: @dannyphandump

“Stepping up into the ring we have the one, the only, the litle creacher themself, Grimgrinningghoul!” 

The 80s remix of Numb blared, annoying most likely everyone except Tali, who headbanged so hard their glasses flew off.

“Ahem.”  They coughed into the kazoo, making the crowd wince, and finally replaced their glasses.  “And the opponent!  The friendly neighborhood gremoblin, who could also be considered a cryptid in his own right, it’s Half-Dead-Half-Wit!”

Ninja (half-dead-half-wit) joined PJ (grimgrinningghoul) in the ring.  Since the Fenton Wash&Dry had flopped last round, Ninja had reverted back to his original weapon: dank memes.  He had a few that had been specially brewed before the match, incidentally using the Wash&Dry as a sort of cooking pot.  The energy they radiated was cursed enough to make PJ step back a little before the match even began.

“PHIGHT!”

Ninja whipped out his memes like throwing stars, but PJ managed to dodge with a tiny “meep!”  Being a litle creacher did have its advantages— like speed, and being a difficult target to hit with a distance weapon.  Ninja would have to step up his game.

He pulled Danny’s least favorite image from his pocket— the one where his face was dead-eyed and soulless, staring right into one’s core.  It was an meme, but a classic for a reason.  Ninja stretched it into a long rectangle, rolled it into a tube, and then weilded it like a baseball bat.

“It’s over, PJ!  I have the high memes!”

“Hmmm, that’s a pretty convincing argument,” PJ nodded.  But PJ had withstood a Vibe Check from Aurora— even if they’d lost, it lent a great deal to their endurance and stamina.  As well to their ability to face intimidation.

They faced down the meme-bat bravely— and went intangible as the weapon tried to strike.

“What?”  Ninja gasped.  “But the chaotic energy of my memes— they were supposed to be phase-proof!  I even homebrewed them myself…”

“Ah, well, it was worth a shot.”  PJ smiled consolingly before pulling out their trusty Fenton Ghost Caller.  With a kazoo addition to the 80s Numb remix, blob ghosts began melting up from the ground to come to their aid.

“Back off!  I’ll swat you like gnats!”  Ninja threatened, swinging the meme-bat wide.

But it wasn’t enough.  The sheer numbers of the blob ghosts—fueled by both the Fenton Ghost Caller and the undeniable urge to headbang to Linkin Park— were too much for Ninja.  He disappeared under the tide of green blobs.

“No… my memes… my… dankness....!”

“Nothing’s more dank than being Numb inside.”  PJ dabbed.

Writer: @dannyphandump

“Last match of the afternoon!  Let’s make it count, Pholks!”

“Do you always pronounce the ph?” Vlad asked, rolling his eyes— or at least, Tali thought he was, though it was hard since his red scleras had no pupils or irises.

“Not always.  Just almost always.”  She shrugged.  “Give it up for Ghostghothgeek (Steph) and Half-dead-half-wit (Ninja)!”

Vlad shunk back at the sight of the ghost wolf at Steph’s heels.  He remembered all too well what his “experiments” could do when angry.

“PHIGHT!”

Ninja rested his hands on his knees— or, where his knees would be if he had them, since he stayed in ghostly-tail form constantly.  “Heyyyy, nice puppy,” he cooed to Steph’s wolf.

“No, she’s not nice, she’s—”

“Precious,” Ninja said, fishing an ecto-weenie out of his jacket pocket.  “I bet the puppy would love a treat, huh?”

“She doesn’t eat anything except the blood— er, ectoplasm— of her enemies.”  Steph crossed her arms.  “Right, girl?”

But the wolf’s ears were perked up, her eyes intent on the screaming treat in Ninja’s hand.  Steph cursed under her breath.

“Looks like it’s time for plan B,” she said, pulling out her bag of glitter as Ninja lured the wolf away.

Steph flew up to dump the glitter over Ninja, but he quickly threw the ecto-weenie into her path.  The wolf chased after it and collided with her owner, drowning them both in a pile of itchy glitter.

Steph sneezed.  More glitter shot from her nose.

“Is that… it?”  Vlad asked.  “Where’s the drama?  The intrigue?  The threats to tear your opponents family apart and run off with their mother?”

“First of all: ew,” Tali said, grateful that Danny was still back in the VIP box and not the VUP box.  “Second of all: I think we have enough drama right here.”

She smirked as Ninja pulled Steph out of the glitter-pile, just in time to fly her over and have her sneeze on Vlad.

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF SWISS CHEESE—”

Everyone cackled at the glitterified Vlad.  But Tali still had one last job to do.

She played a quick tune on her kazoo.  “Ghostgothgeek is unable to battle!  Half-dead-half-wit wins!” 

“But the real winner is all of us for getting to dunk on Vlad,” Tucker said as Danny flew him down to snap a picture.

Writer: @dannyphandump

“How many of those have you had today?”  Tucker asked, gesturing to Tali’s milkshake.

“Twenty-seven.”  She slurped on the straw.  Banana. Yum.

“I think you’ve got a problem, dude.”  

Considering this was coming from Tucker, the one who normally had no concern about health when it came to food, maybe she should’ve been more worried.  But there was a phight to announce, so she just shrugged.

“Anyway!  Last phight of the night, blah blah blah, we’ve got Ninja aka half-dead-half-wit versus Pipermasters!  PHIGHT!”

“Don’t you normally ramble a little more first?”  Danny asked, peering down into the arena where the two phighters were still scrambling to grab their Fenton products.

“Yeah, but that was like, fifteen milkshakes ago.”

Piper got to the Fenton Birthday Candle first, since it was smaller and easily strappable to their tiny blob-ghost form.

“You shall taste the flames of defeat!”  They called, crayon-surfing towards Ninja.

“Flames of defeat?  Really?”  Ninja dodged behind the Fenton Wash&Dry, which currently looked like a normal washing machine.  “I thought you were into angst, not just corny villain monologues.”

“Try telling that to the writer behind my dialogue,” Piper muttered, throwing a glare towards where Tali sat in the stands.  She shrugged sheepishly.

“What can I say, crackfics are my happy place.”

(She promptly shoved several half-written angst fics under her seat.)

While Piper was distracted, though, Ninja had opened the Wash&Dry.

“Hey, Piper, have you ever played Pokemon?”

“No, it’s not nearly heartwrenching enough.”

Tali absolutely disagreed with that.  She had cried in Pokemon White when N flew away on his Zekrom as dramatic music played in the background.

“Hmm. That’s too bad.”  Ninja grinned. “Maybe then you would’ve known that water beats fire.”

“Everyone knows that water beats—”

The Wash&Dry blasted out a cannon of water, sending Piper flying against the arena wall.  And, more importantly, dousing their Fenton Birthday Candle.

“No!”  Piper wailed.  “My burning rage is nothing but embers…”

Hmm.  That wasn’t a very original pun.  Maybe the twenty-seven milkshakes weren’t a good idea before writing-slash-announcing.

“Piper is unable to battle!”  Tali shouted, barely remembering to hum into her kazoo afterwards.  “Half-dead-half-wit wins!”

She collapsed down into her chair as the adrenaline of watching the phights wore off, coinciding directly with her sugar crash.

“Tali?  You okay?”  Danny asked.

Tali threw up a peace sign before falling unconscious.

Tucker shook his head.  “Someone really needs to take care of them.  ...You think I can play her PS4 while they’re out?”