I finally have a name for this constant nagging anxiety, lack of confidence, low self esteem, extreme insecurity, feelings of worthlessness and undeserving, that you don't belong here, that other people could do it better, that it’s not something to be proud of, that you just got lucky, that no your works are trash why do you keep working hard on it, and no no one really cares about what you do, and on and on and on. It has really prevented me from doing things that I could be doing or taking the chances and opportunities that I could have taken. It has really narrowed down my world view and the possibilities of what I could be doing in my future. Heck, it gives me fear of what I would be like once I settle down and have a job. It's one of the reasons why I'm afraid to look for a job, because no, I don't feel confident nor competent about my field of work. And that's why I ran away and returned to writing, which is also another field I'm not confident about. I'd thought it was due to my inferiority complex, and maybe it is, but you know, I thought it was something I could overcome by building confidence. As I find the courage and start posting one work after another, finding people liking and leaving little encouraging comments on my fics, I start to think, 'Wow, maybe I can do this.' Until that ugly insecurity, anxiety, or whatever rears its head again and says, 'No, you're just lucky. They’re just saying that. You don’t really have what it takes. Look, that other person writes better. That other person has more followers. That other person has more likes. Wow this is cool. You can never make something like this. You can never be something like that.' And no matter what kind of encouragement and confidence boosts I have received from friends and internet strangers, they just...go out the window, like they had never existed. This leads me to vent and seek external approvals a lot, which lead me to feeling guilty, because I'd feel like I keep venting to my friends, when they've already given me sooo much, but they'd still try to cheer me up, and I'd feel good about myself again....until the syndrome strikes again. And this is a vicious cycle, which goes on and on and on and really, I just want to break free from it. Because I hate feeling what small confidence I have built up goes away. I hate feeling like I have to rely on other people to know my worth.
