#gurrrrrrl

“I think the sweat suit outfit is a killer. That should go over well,” he grinned, his phone laying atop his chest.

“What sweat suit? I don’t even have that as an option, weirdo,”

“No? Damn, that sucks. No date for you,” he laughed, my clothes couldn’t have left my hands any sooner as I tossed it at his head, walking back into my closet to choose another option.

“I don’t even know why I bothered to ask you in the first place. You want to see me alone for the rest of my life, don’t you?” I pouted.

“Of course, I don’t. Just those ones aren’t it, mama,” he said. I’ve been single for the past two years and while I enjoy having time to myself and figuring out what I would want from a future partner, it was absolutely time that I stepped back out and see what was out there for me. My last relationship taught me more than I would ever realize and although I am super grateful for the person I was with, it’s time to elevate and do better. I know what I want and until I get exactly that, I guess the search shall continue.

“You haven’t even met him yet. You’re such a hater. He’s a college grad from Yale, Jermaine. Freaking Yale. It doesn’t get better than that,” I laughed as I came back out with yet another outfit in hand, holding it against my body as I looked in the mirror and decided whether or not this was the right look. A backless ribbed dress. I wasn’t too sure what we were doing tonight but I knew eating was on the list of dos. I couldn’t not show up and show out.

“And he’s probably got debt out the ass. I wouldn’t want to be tied to that,” My eyebrows rose in confusion as I know damn well almost every person got a little debt to them. Jermaine just had to have the last say so If you ask me. it was almost seven years ago when I met Jermaine at a house party in Queens. We ran in the same circle but never had enough time to talk to one another until that eventful night when I was passed out drunk. For someone who doesn’t know me from a can of paint, it showed a lot about his character and how quick he was to step in and assist. I think I might’ve apologized to him over twenty times the very next time I saw him, and all he wanted in return was a dozen donuts from Krispy Kreme to make up for it and that pretty much sealed the deal. Now he’s been a pain in the ass and furthermore, someone I can’t quite get rid of even if I tried.

“Shut up,” I mumbled.

“Huh? Speak up, Cassidy. You so big and bad, right?” His lean arm immediately wrapped around my neck, putting me in a headlock, intentionally messing up my big curls too.

“I said what I said, and you heard me loud and clear. You know damn well you don’t want this smoke, boy,” My nails dug into his skin, for sure leaving an indent in his skin.

“You sure? ‘Cause if I flip you over, I don’t want to hear no back talk,” His grip on my neck tightened, inevitably making my eyes bulge out as I used my elbow to poke him in the stomach as hard as I could. That only resulted in him picking me up and slamming me down on the bed, screaming “WWE Smackdown” as loud as he could.

“Jermaineeeee!” I winced. “You really trying to fuck up my hair, on bro n’em,” I pouted.

“I told you to speak up a long time ago, you knew better,” he chuckled, laying back down on his back.

“Next time, imma just taser your ass. Give you a dose of your own medicine,” I sassed, smacking his chest when he least expected it. We both fell into a comfortable silence as I sat up trying to expand my flattened curls while he continued to look up at the ceiling fan. As much as I loved that silence could loom over us and it could be just bliss, I knew when something was on his mind and the way his eyebrows crinkled confirmed that even more. “Wassup?” I asked as I turned on my side to look at him.

“How many more dates you gotta go on till you give me a chance or even look my way?” I heard his question as clear as day but it still somehow managed to knock the air out of my lungs as I found it hard to even concentrate on him. He had sat up long ago and his big brown eyes pierced into mine with intense eye contact. Out of all these years of knowing Jermaine, I eventually grew to knew that he might’ve had a little crush on me and the same for me about him. I didn’t think past it as it ever developing into anything more than a crush, but he normally would be boo’d up with the next bitch or in a relationship and majority of time of us being friends, I was in a longterm relationship. We probably had at least one conversation where he has expressed these feelings but we kind of left it up in the air as a maybe and nothing ever progressed past that.

Jermaine is an amazing guy. Smart, attractive, caring, confident, athletic, can rap a bar or two, sweet and assertive. He honestly did have all the things a woman would want in a man and then some. But, in the idea of a relationship, that was probably his only downfall in where he didn’t seem as sturdy or sure of. The number of women he has ran through and been with has always been a red flag. I don’t know if he was the problem after all or they just weren’t compatible. I never asked or pried because I didn’t want to do the most in trying to figure it out, let alone put my opinions on him and cause a rift.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

That was the only logical thing I could think of at the moment.

“I’ve known you for six plus years, we hang out on the regular and I tell you shit that I don’t even tell my boys. You’ve told me your type, you told me what you’re looking for in a man and so on. Everything you have ever described has literally been me and how I am. Our friends even joke that it looks like we’ve been dating for some time and we deny it because we know we aren’t. I might’ve joked with you once or twice about wanting to take you out on a date. But both times you’ve dismissed it and the one time where I was drunk but serious you never gave me an actual answer. So, tell me, are you not attracted to me or am I really not your type? Tell me I’m buggin’,”

“You know your fine as hell, any girl would want you,” I said, biting into my bottom lip.

“I’m asking you specifically,” The sternness in his voice caught me off guard and immediately made me straighten up as I began to clear things from off of my bed. I was doing everything to avoid his gaze. This was always a topic that we easily either avoided all together or we simply didn’t put the effort in to talk about it further. Most times we just laughed it off and joked about it.

“Of course, I find you attractive,” I said. A part of me always has. I mean, it’s innocent and I figured he would’ve known that by now. It was something that we both knew but just didn’t talk about. I could keep this crush as a secret because I knew if I told any of my friends, I would never hear the end of it. What if we did ever go on a date and things didn’t work the way we thought it would, how would a friendship ever go back to its normal state? You can’t cross back once you overstep.

“Knowing everything about who I am and what you want in a man, don’t I fit that description?”

“Yes, Jermaine. You do, you know that,”

“So why can’t you give me a chance?” It didn’t matter how flustered I looked and how red my face was getting, his questions persisted and he seemed to want all of my attention as he carefully snatched away the items that were in my hands and placed them beside him, grabbing my hands in his.

“I see how you run through girls, J. Who’s to say you wouldn’t play me? Our friendship would end immediately if we hit one rough bump. I know how you are, Jermaine. I don’t want to put neither of us in a position where that would be a possibility. How am i any different?”

“’Cause I fell in love with you, not them!” he exclaimed. If I wasn’t caught off guard by the turn of the conversations, this confession threw me all the way off. So many thoughts ran through my mind at once and none at all at the same time. Jermaine? In love with me? There’s no way I could’ve missed that. At this point it just felt like he was saying anything to catch my attention or furthermore stop me from getting ready for this date. But then it dawned on me. Whenever I had dates lined up and I openly told the group chat about it, he would be the first one to usually shoot the idea down or say that they seemed like a lame. I just chalked it up to him being a hater or simply very protective. Now it all makes sense.

His usual cool demeanor revealed a much more vulnerable Jermaine. His tan complexion gave away his thoughts and feelings. I was already brown so I could hide my embarrassment, him not so much. “You’re in love with me?” I sat opposite him in the chair attached to my desk, stroking his hand softly with my thumb as I just listened to him talk. It takes a different breed of men to express their feelings and I didn’t want him to clam up and hide what he was expressing now.

“Probably after going to Guyana for Spring break, I was like damn this girl is amazing. I love her way more than I thought I did. I think seeing you around your family and in your natural element just reinforced shit for me,” he chuckled.

“That was almost five years ago,” I smirked. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“What? You don’t take me seriously. You want them stuffy ass niggas, probably give you five kids back to back, living up there with the white folks n’ shit. I’m too hood for you, baby,” he laughed, shrugging his shoulders.

A moment of silence loomed over us before we both fell out in a fit of laughter. Jermaine was far from hood.

“A part of me knows that you know I like you, even more to want to date you. I just don’t want to risk shit. You’re talking about you in love with me, you gone propose to me and give me them five kids I want tomorrow or something?” I teased, pulling on his growing beard.

“If you want,” he grinned.

Maybe what I was looking for all along was right in front of me this whole time, and fear was the only thing holding me back. It wouldn’t hurt to try. “So, tell me again who’s calling ole boy to cancel this date? I know a great hookah spot we can go to for our first unofficial official date,”