Happy birthday, @lol-zeitgeistic!
Look, this is niche and ridiculous and written for my pal zeit and I have no regrets. May the new year shower us in Grudders. cc: @callingdrarry @pukingpastilles
“By Any Other Name” here or on ao3
“I’ve always liked ‘Abraxas,’” Draco, the posh prat, said.
Dudley wasn’t sure how to respond to that. He was never sure how to respond to Draco, honestly. He snagged a chip from the bowl and chewed, sitting back and watching to see what Greg would say. Greg knew how to deal with Draco.
“You can fuck right off with your pure-blood Malfoy names,” Greg announced with a laugh. “We’re talking about our baby, not yours. If you and Potter want to have a kid you can name it whatever barmy shit you want.”
“Well good grief, Greg,” Draco drawled. “I didn’t mean that you would name your child Abraxas. I am merely saying that I like the name.”
Harry, who was laying with his head on Draco’s lap and looking at Dudley’s phone, put in, “That’s a no on ‘Abraxas.’” A tinny “wheeeeeee” sounded from the phone, indicating that Harry had just launched an angry bird.
Draco flicked Harry playfully on the head. “What do you suggest then?”
“I dunno,” Harry replied, his eyes still on the phone. “Like, it should be meaningful. Ties to family or people who have been important to us. But not Abraxas. Did you even know your relatives with that name? Like, how about James. Albus?”
Dudley could not stay quiet in the face of such folly. “Haz. Albus? You can’t be serious.”
“Veto,” Draco announced, taking a prim sip of his Bud.
Draco clearly hated Bud. Earlier that day, Dudley had asked Greg if they should buy some different bevs, since Draco and Harry were coming over. Greg had smirked and said, “Nah. I like to watch Draco squirm.”
Harry looked away from the phone and locked his eyes on Dudley. “What would most piss off your parents?”
Dudley snorted. “Er, I dunno. Tony? Gordon?”
Harry threw his head back and laughed loudly. “Fuck, I’d love to see the looks on their faces if you told them you were naming your kid Tony Dursley-Goyle. Goyle-Dursley?”
“Haven’t decided yet, mate,” Greg said, selecting a biscuit from the table. “Goyle-Dursley flows a little better, I think.” Greg bit into the biscuit.
Dudley couldn’t eat these biscuits; they were too beautiful. Greg had found some sort of German molds and they’d spent the day yesterday covered in flour and carefully pressing the dough. They were adorned with intricate roosters and shit. How could you eat that?
“I thought you were off packaged carbs, Dud,” Harry said, pointing at the bowl of chips.
“I am,” Dudley said. “These chips are made of fucking kraut. Probiotics and shit.”
“You’re eating a packaged snack food made of fermented cabbage?” Draco asked, horrified.
“Don’t listen to Draco,” Greg said. “He only eats canapes and I dunno, like, caviar. Duv, maybe we should name the baby after a healthy microbiome.”
“Did you just call him ‘Dove’?” Harry asked, as another bird let out a shrill war cry from the phone.
“No, ‘Duv,’ like ‘Dud’ and ‘love’,” Greg said without a hint of embarrassment.
Dudley smiled. He couldn’t help it. Greg just didn’t give a shit what people thought.
“What does he call you?” Draco asked, raising an eyebrow. “Gruv?”
“Shut the fuck up, Draco,” Greg said, grabbing another biscuit.
Dudley wondered if Draco would take offense at Greg’s words, but the toff just continued talking. “Do either of your families have naming traditions?”
“Honestly, mate,” Dudley said, unable to listen to this any more, “we’re just going to pick a name we like.”
Draco pressed his lips together, clearly unhappy with that, but he seemed to have decided it wasn’t his place.
“Don’t worry,” Harry said, craning his head back to look up at Draco. “If we have a kid, we can name them after a constellation. Just not ‘Abraxas.’”
Draco smiled down at Harry and Dudley knew that if he didn’t change the subject, those two horny wankers would be feeling each other up within a minute.
“If you have two kids you can name them Abraxas and Albus and they can be the most bullied kids in their school, just like you were, Haz.”
Draco visibly bristled, but Harry turned his head toward Dudley and laughed. “You’re such an arse.”
The music suddenly stopped playing. Greg picked up his wand and waved it, starting a new album.
Dudley smiled. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe his luck that he got to enjoy all the perks of magic without ever having had to learn it. He just got to sit around like any normal bloke, and then his Greg could wave his wand and take care of all the shit tasks. And getting up from this sofa to change the music would definitely be a shit task.
“Ugh,” Draco said after a moment, crinkling his nose. “What kind of music is this, Greg?”
Dudley stopped chewing his kraut chip to better hear the music.
We are the misfits, We are the bad kids, The degenerates. We ain't perfect but that's alright.
Greg turned towards Dudley, reaching out his hand to squeeze Dudley’s thigh. “It’s Kesha.”
