#growingupwell

My first miscarriage was just after the New Year. I wouldn’t have even known that’s what it was if I hadn’t been looking for a pregnancy. I had a very early miscarriage, known as a chemical pregnancy – that’s when an egg is fertilized but it does not implant on the uterine wall. I was a little sad, but it was so early I didn’t really pay it any attention. We kept on trying.

In March I had my second miscarriage. We had seen a heartbeat during the first ultrasound. By my 7th week it was gone and I had my first of several dilation and curettage (D&C) procedures to clean the uterine lining after my miscarriages. Our OBGYN told us miscarriages are common and it was likely just bad luck. She never offered any sympathy.

The first D&C missed tissue so I had to have another one to finish the job. It was months and some more medical intervention before we were given the green light to try to get pregnant again. In that time my resentments grew. I started to struggle with friends who were easily carrying their first babies. Everywhere I looked everyone was pregnant. I’m a member of a 12 step recovery program and my faith in a higher power had been central in my life. Now, my faith started to slip away.

In 2010 I got pregnant every single time we tried – and each ended in miscarriage. After the 3rd we left the OBGYN I’d been seeing – the one who never once showed an ounce of sympathy for our situation, the one who never tried to comfort us nor offer a solution. I was getting scared – I was terrified that I’d end up someone who’d have to go through 10 miscarriages and never have a baby. I wanted to be a mother and to carry my child. Why couldn’t my body do this? I felt ignored by God. I coped by only watching dumb comedies and sci-fi movies. I didn’t go to baby showers. I stopped praying. I slept a lot.

We got an appointment with an infertility specialist. We tested everything. Every test came back normal. The issue was likely with me as my husband clearly had no problem getting me pregnant – the diagnosis was (and still is) unexplained infertility. It’s like, hey, great, nothing’s wrong – oh crap, nothing’s wrong so there’s nothing to fix. Very simply stated – the approach is to keep getting pregnant in the hope that one will somehow stick. But now I was seeing a specialist – and I actually felt cared for.

I had one more miscarriage in late February of 2011. I was getting to the end of my rope. We went to see our pastor. I opened up about my loss of faith and my fears. She told me she didn’t believe God wanted this for me – she believed when I was crying and sad and struggling, that in those moments God was with me. Something about how she said that stuck with me. I stopped fighting. I let God comfort me. Today, that’s a big part of how I understand my God. And often that comfort comes through other people.

In late April of 2011 I got pregnant. It was a totally normal pregnancy. I delivered an 8lb 13oz boy in January of 2012. Today he’s just over two and a half. I’ve had two more miscarriages since his birth. In January of this year we started to think about having a second child. I’m older now (37) and I don’t want to try on our own. I want to have the best shot possible each time I try to get pregnant, so that meant assisted reproduction, or IVF (in-vitro fertilization). Its lots of shots and hormones and doctor’s appointments and bloating and emotions, but it just might get us our second child. We start our 3rd round of IVF soon.

Infertility is a roller coaster. Up and down and lots of risk and chance and dumb luck. Somehow, I’ve maintained my sanity through it all. I cope by being present with my son. I do acupuncture. I let myself cry. Or scream. Or laugh. I’m gentle with myself. I don’t hold in my fears. I trust in my faith that this path is bringing me where I need to be. It will bring me to the child I’m meant to have. As with other parts of my life, I just take it a day at a time. I listen for love and comfort in others. I try to offer my love and comfort where I can. I look for the good around me. And with all I’ve been through and all I’m going through – I still have a truly wonderful life.

For more information and support check out Resolve – The National Infertility Association.  

I asked you to send me your healthiest, tastiest, kid approved recipes and you delivered! Thanks to everyone who shared. I'll try out everyone's recipes over the next few weeks.

For Health and Wellness Week I whipped up theprice7's recipe for Peanut Butter Energy Bites. It was easy and healthy, but I wasn't sure if my toddler would go for it. 

Ingredients

1 cup peanut butter

2/3 cup honey

1 cup ground flaxseed (I used wheat germ as a substitute)

2 cups oats

1/4 cup chocolate chips

1/4 cup raisins

Directions

So easy. Mix peanut butter and honey together, then add all the other ingredients on list, subbing where needed, or add in extras, like I did with the raisins.

Chill in the fridge for a couple hours, then roll in hands to form 1 inch balls. I've been making the balls as I go. Harry LOVED them and has had one or two as dessert the past two nights as well as for a snack at daycare. I'm betting this would work with almond butter, too.

Here's Harry with a mouth full of a PB bite last night. YUM!