#grisha! reader

Kaz Brekker was many things. Ruthless. Calculating. Unyielding. He had built his empire from nothing, using his mind, his ambition, and his ability to manipulate every situation to his favor. He was always in control, always the one pulling the strings, never the one left exposed. But there was one thing Kaz had never been able to fully control: the Grisha.

He had no problem with Grisha—he used them when he had to, he manipulated them, he even tolerated them at times. But this Grisha was different.

You were different.

Kaz first met you during a job, one of the many that made him the infamous leader of the Dregs. It had been a simple deal—steal a few Grisha artifacts, slip past the patrols, and get paid. But the moment he laid eyes on you, he realized that the task was going to be anything but simple.

You were standing in the shadows, watching the exchange unfold, your eyes glinting with an unreadable expression. It wasn’t just your beauty that drew his attention, though he wouldn’t admit it out loud. It was your power. You were a Grisha, but not the kind he was used to. No Heartrender, no Squaller, no Inferni—no, you were something far subtler, something more dangerous.

You were a Fabricator, a master of light. But your powers went far beyond what Kaz had anticipated. You could weave illusions—create entire worlds of light and shadow that could trick anyone’s senses. You could manipulate how people saw the world, and with that power, you could make them believe anything you wanted them to believe.

Kaz had never met anyone like you, and that alone made you dangerous.

⸻

It wasn’t long before Kaz sought you out, his reasons cloaked in mystery, just as always. He needed something, and you were the only one who could provide it.

“Are you looking for another job, Kaz?” you asked, your voice calm and steady, betraying none of the curiosity that flickered behind your eyes.

Kaz stood before you in the dim light of the little bar where you’d met. He was leaning against the wall, arms crossed, a smirk playing at the corners of his lips. He was dressed in his usual attire—sharp, meticulous, like everything about him had been carefully crafted for a single purpose.

“No. This is… different,” Kaz replied, his voice low. “I need your help. You have an ability that could be very useful.”

You raised an eyebrow. “My ability? I’m sure there are others who would be more than capable.”

Kaz’s smirk faded slightly. “Not like you. You can create illusions—perfect, believable illusions. That’s something I need. Something that will give me an edge.”

You tilted your head, intrigued. “And why should I help you, Kaz Brekker? What’s in it for me?”

Kaz’s eyes flicked to yours, sharp and calculating. “You’ve heard of the Ice Court?”

Of course, you had. Who hadn’t? The Ice Court was the most secure prison in all of Kerch, home to some of the most dangerous criminals and secrets imaginable. A place that was nearly impossible to infiltrate.

“You want to break into the Ice Court?” you asked, skepticism creeping into your voice.

“I don’t need to break in,” Kaz replied, his tone clipped, “I just need a distraction. A diversion. You can make the guards see something that isn’t there. You can get us the opening we need.”

You were quiet for a moment, considering. You had no love for the Ice Court, but you weren’t particularly fond of Kaz Brekker either. And yet… his offer was tempting. You had no real ties to anyone, no reason not to use your power as leverage.

“What’s the catch?” you finally asked.

Kaz smiled, the glint in his eyes telling you everything you needed to know. “Help me, and you’ll get something you want in return. But I always keep my word, Grisha. I’ll get you what you need.”

The air between you crackled with an unspoken tension, a silent understanding passing between you. Kaz Brekker always played his cards close to his chest, but you knew he had something in mind, and that intrigued you more than anything.

You crossed your arms. “Fine. But I get to set the terms. And if I don’t like what I see, Kaz, I won’t hesitate to walk away.”

Kaz didn’t flinch. His gaze never wavered. “Agreed.”

⸻

The plan was set. You and Kaz, working together, preparing for the infiltration. You would be the distraction—the light weaver, blinding the guards and confusing their senses. In the chaos, Kaz and his crew would slip past undetected, grab what they needed, and escape.

But the closer you got to the job, the more you realized how much you had underestimated Kaz Brekker. He wasn’t just a thief; he was a master strategist, and he had a way of making everything seem effortless.

You had your doubts. Working with Kaz was dangerous, and the stakes were higher than you were comfortable with. But there was something else that kept you there, something you couldn’t ignore. It was the way Kaz looked at you—like you were a puzzle he wanted to solve, a game he was determined to win.

And maybe, just maybe, you liked it.

⸻

The night of the job, the plan went off without a hitch. You stood outside the Ice Court, hidden in the shadows, focusing on the guards. Your power hummed in your fingertips, the familiar rush of energy coursing through you as you began to weave the illusion. You bent light around you, shaping it into an image of false reality, a vision of chaos that would disorient the guards and give Kaz and his crew the perfect opening.

Kaz was precise, always. He’d already slipped past the first line of defense, and now it was up to you to ensure the rest of the plan went smoothly.

The guards’ reactions were immediate—eyes wide with confusion, weapons raised, shouting to each other in alarm. It was perfect. They were seeing things that weren’t there, their senses twisted by your illusions.

Kaz moved like a shadow through the chaos, but as you watched him, something shifted in you. The way he operated was so cold, so calculated, and yet there was something about him that made you question whether he truly had control of everything. You’d seen him take risks before, seen him push people to their limits. But in that moment, watching him move effortlessly through the disarray, you realized something important.

Kaz Brekker wasn’t invincible. He was just good at making everyone believe he was.

⸻

When the job was over, and the artifact was secured, Kaz came to you. There was no fanfare, no celebration—just the quiet satisfaction of a job well done.

“I did my part,” you said, watching him carefully. “Now, what do I get in return?”

Kaz didn’t speak for a long time. His expression remained unreadable, but you could see the shift in his eyes. There was something more there now, something he wasn’t saying.

“You’ll get what you want,” he finally said. “I keep my word.”

You didn’t reply. You didn’t need to. Instead, you turned to leave, but Kaz’s voice stopped you.

“Stay,” he said, the word surprisingly gentle. It was so unlike him that it made you pause. “I’m not done with you yet.”

You turned back to face him, meeting his gaze head-on. “You’ll never be done with me, Kaz Brekker. But the question is—will I ever be done with you?”

Kaz didn’t answer. Instead, he stepped closer, his presence overwhelming, and for the first time, you saw something raw in his eyes—something that could be called… vulnerability. You didn’t know how long it would last or what it meant, but in that moment, Kaz Brekker wasn’t the cold, calculating thief. He was just a man, standing before you, unsure of what came next.

Inej, observant as always, noticed his attention wandering and looked in the same direction. As soon as she saw it was you he was watching, she couldn’t help but chuckle.

“That’s Y/N.”

“Who?”

Inej rolled her eyes at him and continued.

“She’s a Tidemaker, sort of a floater. She’s been on a dozen different crews and sailed from port to port for years.”

“What’s she doing here?”

“Finishing a job, probably. Would you like me to introduce you?”

Inej’s tone was teasing and Kaz scowled at the suggestion. But he let her lead the way to you anyway. The pair was still fifteen feet away when you set down another crate and closed the gap, running to meet Inej.

“Miss Ghafa! A pleasure to see you as always.”

The shining smile on your sun warmed face made Kaz tense up. Your familiarity with Inej was no surprise, but the way you addressed her was.

“It’s good to see you too, Y/N.”

“Are you heading out again?”

“I am. I was just saying goodbye to my friend first.”

Inej gestured to Kaz. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself, so he just tightened his grip on his cane and nodded slightly.

“You know, you can say hello. She doesn’t bite.”

“Usually.”

You gave him a wide grin, a look in your eyes that told Kaz you weren’t kidding. You made no effort to shake his hand once you glanced at his gloves and opted instead to wave at him.

“Afternoon, Inej’s friend.”

While he could easily have left the exchange at that, your voice stuck in his head. You both bid Inej goodbye. You returned to the berth where a half stocked ship still waited, waving goodbye to Kaz as you went. You didn’t seem to have a clue who he was. If you did, you’d done a very convincing job of pretending not to.

Over the following months, he started seeing you more often. It was as if, once he knew you existed, he saw you everywhere. You showed up at the Crow Club a few times with some sailors, acting as a handler. If any of them got too rowdy, you had the situation managed before Kaz even had time to send one of the Dregs to deal with them. He saw you every time he ended up at Fifth Harbor. He didn’t know how he could have missed you before, all shouted orders and waving arms as you went about your job. Each time you noticed him, you’d give a great big smile and an exaggerated wave. He found himself waving back after the first few times.

He’d never tell a soul, but he even started visiting the harbor simply to see you there. He had investments to check on, of course. That was his excuse for spending an hour on the docks listening to you explain a captain’s rules to a newly hired deckhand. You were always looking out for the others, though no one did the same for you. You’d spent enough time on ships and in foreign harbors to advise others who to stay away from and where they could turn for help. Kaz realized he admired that greatly, the way you never let the world change your inclination to kindness.

Once, Jesper came down to the harbor with him. Wylan had some business to attend to, but he’d asked Jesper to check on an incoming ship for him. When you walked past with a few scrawny new sailors, giving advice and leading them away from their more threatening looking seasoned shipmates, you took a second to wave at Kaz as usual. Kaz, without thinking, waved back and let one corner of his mouth twitch up at the sight of you grabbing one of the stragglers and draping an arm around his shoulder to keep him close.

“Sorry, what was that?”

“What now, Jesper?”

“You don’t wave at people on the street. You don’t even like to wave at me and I’m your best friend.”

Kaz glanced at him and he raised his hands in surrender.

“Alright, fine. Your second best friend. But my point still stands.”

“She’s a friend of Inej’s; we met when Inej left last.”

“And… what? Inej has introduced all of us to her friends before and you never show any interest.”

Kaz shook him off and continued on his way, but Jesper wasn’t about to let it go.

“Come on, Kaz! What’s so incredible about this girl that she caught your attention?”

“Who said she has my attention?”

Jesper gave a dramatic groan.

“Everything I’ve learned about you since the day we met points to the conclusion that people don’t matter to you. Everyone is either an investment or an irritant. If that girl was an irritant, she’d be long gone. So what is it about her?”

Kaz wouldn’t give him an answer. He couldn’t. Because how could he possibly explain that every time you waved at him, smiled, shouted an enthusiastic greeting before being pulled away to work, he felt his heart lighten? That each time you played with the waves, splashed your crewmates, or stopped another boat dead in the water for petty revenge he fought the urge to smile? How could he tell Jesper that on the days when running the Dregs felt like a punishment, when he wanted to simply bury his head in the pillows and ignore the whole world, he heard your voice in his head and got up to work?

It didn’t make any sense. It was completely irrational and insane. The only person he could imagine trying to talk to about it was Inej, but that wasn’t an option. Not only because she was at sea, but also because he knew it was a secret she was likely to share with you in some way or another. She’d never outright betray his trust, but she’d start dropping hints and encouraging you both to spend more time together. He couldn’t have that.

It was no surprise that you were the one to finally change things. It had been nearly a year since you met Kaz. He’d hired you to go on a few voyages to protect his investments on board and, to no one’s surprise, you did your job well. On your next return to Ketterdam, Kaz was waiting on the docks when your ship pulled into Fifth Harbor. You decided to forgo waiting for the gangplank to be lowered and simply caught yourself on a wave on your way over the railing, landing easily on the dock and running toward him.

You stopped a few steps away, always carefully keeping your distance. Another thing he loved about you; your unwavering respect for his boundaries and comfort zone. You gave a little wave and another smile like sunshine. Kaz felt himself smile right back.

“Afternoon, Mister Brekker. You’ll be pleased to know your shipment arrived safely in Novyi Zem.”

“No complications?”

“Nothing a skilled Tidemaker like myself couldn’t handle.”

Kaz turned back toward the streets and you followed at his side.

“Then I suppose there are two reasons to celebrate.”

“Two?”

“A very important ship made port two days ago.”

“Inej!”

The Suli girl dropped down on Kaz’s other side, seamlessly falling into step with the pair in the busy streets.

“Nice to see Kaz has put you to work now too.”

You let Kaz take a few steps ahead so you could shuffle into the middle of your trio and throw an arm around your friend.

“Oh, he certainly has. The big bad king of the Barrel has me holed up on ships for weeks at a time. I hardly have the chance to make port anymore before I’m back on the waves.”

“You say it as if the sea isn’t your own personal paradise.”

You gave Kaz a teasing glare.

“The sea, yes. Scowling old sailors or ditzy newbies who have far too much to learn, not so much.”

“You could always just push them overboard and use a little Tidemaker magic to drown them. No one would be the wiser.”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just say to me. And it’s small science, not magic.”

You turned up your nose at the word ‘magic’ and nudged Kaz’s arm. He simply let a small smirk cross his face.

“Either way, I’m simply suggesting a solution to your problem.”

You and Inej laughed at that. Kaz was always more skilled at creating problems than solving them. It was in his nature to be a headache for as many people as he could. A hobby, even.

“Drownings aside, let’s get waffles. I’m starving.”

It was completely by chance that you ended up in Ketterdam. Your crew’s ship, the Firebird, docked for three days in Fifth Harbor. You were new to the country and were instructed to stay with at least one of the crew at all times. The last thing anyone wanted was for their spitfire junior Squaller to go missing in a place like that. Which is, of course, exactly what happened. 

It turned out your honorary big brother, nicknamed Flint, the most rambunctious Inferni you’d ever met, had made port in Ketterdam before and left on less than good terms. The two of you were cornered in the Barrel by half a dozen Dime Lions. Even with both of you staying on guard, you stood little chance of escaping the encounter. Flint did his best to protect you, but by the time the gang left, he was bleeding out and you were beginning to develop bruises over your entire body. 

“Flint, please. Don’t go.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, little breeze. I don’t think I’ve got much say in it now.”

The loving nickname only made the tears in your eyes gather faster. 

“I don’t know the way back. You have to lead us back home.”

“I’m sorry.”

The last two words he spoke would haunt you for years to come. You stayed huddled next to his body for hours as you tried to push away your tears. It was there that Kaz Brekker found you. He was thirteen and you looked no older than him, but far softer and innocent. He would have passed you by, everyone else in the Barrel had, but something about your quiet sniffles, the slightest breeze that swirled around you in your grief, caught his attention. 

“Miss?”

You sniffled again and looked up with unspeakable pain in your eyes. 

“Please don’t hurt me.”

Kaz made no move to approach you. 

“What happened?”

Your grip on Flint’s cold hand tightened and it wasn’t hard for Kaz to put the pieces together. Despite his better judgement, despite everything he’d learned about fending for himself and stepping over others to get ahead, Kaz wanted to help you. Maybe it was because he saw some fragment of Kaz Rietveld in the pain so clearly written in your eyes. Maybe it was the way you seemed loath to touch anything but the stiffening fingers of your lost family. 

“Follow me.”

“Why?”

“Because your other option is to sit here in this alley and freeze.”

You grudgingly got to your feet. Kaz took notice of the oversized shirt you wore, cinched around your waist with a thin piece of rope you’d found on the Firebird. Your pants were rolled up to your ankles and your hair was kept back with a stained red bandana. Kaz led the way to the Slat and you followed silently, looking back for the first few minutes at the body of your dearest friend. 

“Where are we going?”

“The Slat.”

“What for?”

“To get you out of the cold. Do you always ask this many questions or have I done something to earn an especially irritating walk?”

You shut up after that and wondered about your crew. Surely they would be worried about you and Flint. Maybe Feodora would gather a few others and come looking for you. You could hardly imagine how they’d all react to the loss of Flint. And how would they find you, now that you’d followed this strange boy with gloves and a menacing glare?

When you reached the Slat, Kaz ushered you in and went to see Per Haskell. You were left standing near the door, arms wrapped tightly around you. A few of the Dregs gave you odd looks, but most ignored you entirely. You were grateful for that.

It took a bit of convincing, but Kaz secured you a place among the Dregs. With your Squaller training and willingness to finish fights, you endeared yourself to the rest of the gang rather quickly. If Kaz was Dirtyhands, the terrifying enforcer with legends to rival Pekka Rollins, then you were the headwind, strong willed and stubborn, but soft when you wanted to be. You and Kaz balanced each other and had a common goal; destroy the Dime Lions and their leader, brick by brick. 

You passed years this way. Despite Kaz’s protests and thinly veiled worry for you, you tagged along on the Ice Court heist. Being on the open ocean again was equal parts terrifying and liberating. You could never forget your fear and pain when your ship sank, but the memory was tempered by the loving voices of your old crew. The freedom you’d had with that ragtag family of pirates felt mirrored by your new landbound family. 

After the fall of Van Eck, the destruction of the Dime Lions, which you made sure of personally, you were left wondering what was next. You hoped to remain in Ketterdam with Kaz. He wouldn’t admit it, but he liked having you around and trusted your judgement. You’d grown so accustomed to working side by side that neither of you really considered that it might change. 

And then Inej came to you with an offer. She wanted to hunt slavers and you supported that dream. She asked if you supported it enough to join her on her first voyage as she learned the ins and outs of sailing. With Kaz’s encouragement, you did so. The first few days went smoothly. You helped her memorize protocols and orders. You taught her as best you could the things that came in time on the sea. And then you came across another ship. Its familiar flag and the name emblazoned on the side brought your heart into your throat. 

“Y/N, what is it?”

Inej studied the ship, but it was completely unfamiliar to her. 

“Be careful.”

“Do you know that ship?”

You couldn’t respond. You knew the flag. You knew the paint, the figure perched in the crow’s nest, but the new name was what had you reeling. In bold white letters, the words Little Breeze stared back at you across the waves. 

It took too long and no time at all for the two ships to approach each other. Neither drew weapons or readied cannons. When the Little Breeze came up beside you, a figure moved from the sails and caught the wind, drifting over to land on the deck in front of you and Inej. 

“Feodora.”

For a few seconds, she looked surprised. If you weren’t so torn apart at the sight of her after all this time, you might have taken pride in it. You’d rarely managed to surprise her in your time together. Then recognition bloomed on her face. 

“Y/N? Our little breeze…”

You nodded the slightest bit and she smiled like the sun after a storm. When she took a step closer, you tucked your hands in close and she stopped. Even when you were young, you’d curl in on yourself to keep your space. 

“So… this is where you’ve been all this time?”

“Only recently.”

Inej was still a bit lost. She knew little about your life before arriving in Ketterdam. Kaz had never been willing to tell her or anyone else, having determined that it was your story to share as you saw fit. You snapped out of your thoughts and glanced over to your friend. 

“Inej, this is Feodora. She’s the Squaller who taught me all that I know. My first and best teacher. Feodora, this is Inej Ghafa. She’s my best friend.”

You both knew that title truly belonged to Kaz, but she was more than happy to share it. 

The two women nodded to each other and Feodora turned back to her ship. She made a few hand gestures and a cheer went up from the deck. With an encouraging look from Inej, you caught a breeze and set foot on the deck of the ship you’d believed you would never see again. Feodora stood beside you and the crew surrounded you both. You were bombarded with questions, which you spent hours trying to answer.

“Now, now. I think our little breeze has grown tired. Everyone, give her some space.”

Feodora leaned against the railing beside you. She could see how it all weighed on you. 

“You renamed the ship.”

“We thought it only right. We all missed our sweet little breeze.”

“I… I’m sorry we lost him.”

“Flint spent a long time outrunning his worst choices. They were bound to catch up to him eventually. We all just wished we’d had someone else looking after you. We might not have lost you both then.”

You nodded softly. It had been in Flint’s nature to cause problems. To pick fights he couldn’t win. You’d all known it, but he’d been your partner anyway. He’d done his best to look after you. 

“Did you ever find him?”

“The next morning. Sent off to the Reaper’s Barge. There was nothing else we could do. But we could never find you.”

“I met a boy. He helped me.”

“Brekker. We’ve heard of him.”

“He’s not so bad. People just don’t know him. Not really.”

“Well, if anyone can find a soft spot in someone like him, it’s you.”

You both smiled and chuckled. 

“I guess that’s my real talent, huh?”

“Absolutely. Wars could be ended if only you could meet both sides and ask them kindly to stop.”

You looked up at the sweeping sails and swinging rigging. You’d missed this ship. These people. 

“You’re welcome to join us again, you know.”

“Do you have the authority to say that?”

“I took over as captain when Inga retired, so yeah.”

You laughed and smiled at the thought of Inga relaxing in some little house on a beach somewhere without a care in the world. 

“Congratulations. But I don’t know…”

“We won’t force you. I just want you to know it’s an option.”

She didn’t say it, but you could feel her hope. Feodora wanted her fiery little breeze back. She wanted to sail again with the fierce, startlingly innocent girl she’d pulled from a wreck all those years ago. But you weren’t that little girl anymore. The girl she’d known wasn’t jaded. She’d been hurt, but she was still bursting with hope. That girl had died in the alley in Ketterdam with Flint. 

You knew you couldn’t go back. You wouldn’t. You’d come too far. So you pushed off the railing and pulled Feodora into a short hug. By the time she could respond, it was over and you were stepping back, starting to create the distance that would separate you forever from the world you’d been forced to leave. 

“I’m working with the Dregs now; they’ve taken to calling me a headwind. If you make port in Ketterdam again, we aren’t hard to find.”

“Wherever the wind blows, little breeze.”

“Wherever it blows.”

You told Inej what you could about your afternoon aboard the Little Breeze. You could only share the whole story with Kaz, the only person who could understand it completely. So you tucked it away in the back of your mind while you kept teaching Inej. When your trip was over and you pulled back into Fifth Harbor, you were glad to be back on solid ground.

That same night, you curled up in a chair by the window in Kaz’s office. He sat on his bed, his gloves tucked away for the night. He listened intently as you recounted everything to him, interjecting only when he wanted to know more details. When you were finished, he pondered how to respond for a moment. 

“I didn’t make the wrong choice, did I? I just… I don’t think I could go back to being their little breeze. No matter how much I love them, I can’t let go of all I’ve learned, of the people I’ve come to love here.”

“The only person who can determine if your choice was right is you. It’s your life, your path to follow.  But because you’re asking me, I think you made the right call. The person you were when you made port here for the first time couldn’t have survived Ketterdam for long. That shadow is just that. A part of your past that you can’t take in your hands and carry with you.”

You gave him a lazy smile that made him glad for the night he’d found you and replied in a mock awed tone. 

“You are awfully introspective, Mister Brekker. Maybe you should be a philosopher at the college.”

You both let out little snickers at the mere thought. 

“Maybe I should save you the trouble of worrying and just push you out my window.”

“I can catch a breeze, come back up here, and slap you with your own gloves.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Neither would you.”

No one else knew, but you’d even been there when Kaz joined up. He’d been a scrawny, sickly kid with murder in his eyes and constant threats on his tongue. You’d recognized the fear he hid so well and got him his first pair of gloves. He would never say it and he’d readily kill anyone who insinuated it, but he looked up to you and counted on you like no one else. 

The crew had never seen you weak or tired. Even when you went on jobs and came back bleeding and bruised, you had a friendly smile and reassurances to offer. You could hold your own and then some, which everyone well knew. So when you don’t appear at dinner one night, the whole crew is curious, but unconcerned. Matthias suggests that someone check your room, so Wylan goes scampering up the stairs to do so. He returns a few minutes later looking confused. 

“She’s not here.”

Eyes drift to Kaz, but he has no answers. 

“I haven’t sent her on a job. I don’t know where she would be if not here.”

Inej takes it as her cue and drifts into the shadows to search Ketterdam. It takes her half an hour to find you. You’ve collapsed in an alley, soaking wet, with shreds of singed fabric in your hands. You don’t appear to be injured, but the Suli girl recognizes a deeper pain, one you must have hidden for a long time. 

She says nothing as she drops down beside you. She kneels on the cold, wet cobbles and gently brushes your shoulder with her fingertips. Just enough for you to know she’s there. Your head raises almost imperceptibly. 

“Evening.”

Your voice is soft and broken. Tears are streaming down your face and it occurs to Inej that she’s never seen you cry before. 

“You weren’t at dinner.”

“Had a job to do. More of a personal favor.”

Inej lets her eyes drop to the fabric in your hands. A few look almost like a kefta, though she knows your only one was tucked away in your closet long ago. Others are rougher and darker, like a coat. 

“What can I do?”

Inej knows what she’s doing with those four simple words, echoing back the invitation you always gave when someone needed your help, trying to show you she was there for you. 

“There’s nothing to be done. They’re gone.”

She doesn’t want to push, not here in the open where you feel so exposed. So Inej takes you by the arm, helps you to your feet, and leads you home. You don’t shrug her off when she gently wraps an arm around your shoulders. She takes it as a good sign. 

Your tears are dry by the time you reach the Slat. Inej has a feeling there are more to come. So she passes straight through to the stairs and makes sure you can reach your door before ducking into the dining room and catching the attention of the other Crows.

“Is Y/N okay?”

“She isn’t injured.”

They all catch what she doesn’t say. No one is sure of the first step to take. They’ve never seen you like this, and no one in the Slat has ever needed comfort that you couldn’t provide. You always took the reins there, so how were they to know what they could do to help you in return?

Nina is the first to venture up the stairs. She knocks gently on your door, waits for an answer. When none comes, she opens it anyway and slips inside. You’re clutching the strips of fabric like a lifeline. 

“Y/N?”

You look up with fresh tears in your eyes. When Nina catches your erratic breathing, she gently slows it until your chest stops heaving. She perches herself on your desk chair and faces you on your bed. 

“Can you talk about it?”

“I…”

You take a deep breath, steel your nerves, and fall further apart as you try to force the words out. 

“They’re gone. It’s my fault.”

Wylan and Matthias are just outside the door and decide to join you when the broken sob cuts your words short. Wylan tentatively wraps his arms around you and you let your head drop onto his shoulder. Matthias and Nina move to either side of you and he starts running a comforting hand up and down your arm. The four of you remain there until your tears run dry and your eyes slip closed. 

Wylan lays you down, Nina drapes your blanket over you, Matthias pulls off your boots. While Matthias moves to put out your candle, Nina makes sure your hands are tucked close. If your hands unclench in your sleep, she doesn’t want you to lose the strips that seem so important. Wylan closes the door behind them and everyone shuffles off to bed, completely unsettled by your anguish. 

In the two days it takes for you to emerge from your room, the Crows are distraught. Kaz locks himself in his office nearly the whole time, but doesn’t manage to focus on his work for even a minute. No one goes out on any jobs, some part of each of them afraid of coming back without being greeted by your smiling face and warm company. 

When you do manage to open your door and step through it, Kaz is the first person you go to. He’s at his desk, running a hand through his hair, trying to tell himself that his work is more important than whatever happened with you. You knock before entering, something you hadn’t done since he got annoyed with the goofy rhythms you’d use and told you not to bother. 

“Come in.”

“Morning.”

His head snaps up at your quiet voice. You’ve never been quiet, it’s not in your nature. You could only manage it when you comforted the Dregs after nightmares or severe injuries. 

“Y/N.”

Kaz forgets his papers and unfinished work in favor of gesturing toward a chair. You settle in it and rub at your eyes, still red and puffy from your tears. 

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“I’ve been… out of commission for a few days. I know I’m needed here, I just…”

Kaz shook his head. 

“You’ve been working nonstop for the Dregs since you were ten. If anyone’s earned a break, it’s you.”

You nod slightly. It’s one of the more comforting things you could hear from Kaz.

“I need to tell you what happened. Why I-”

“You never have to explain yourself, Y/N. I trust that whatever you were doing was important.”

“I need you to know, though. I need someone to know so it’s not just me.”

Kaz can’t imagine why he’s the one you’d choose to be open with. Inej would be his first guess, or Wylan. Even Nina or Jesper would be better. Matthias could be comforting in his own way too. But Kaz? Really?

He takes a seat and focuses all his attention on you. On the story you tell him.

“I met them on the ship that brought me here. My mother started it. She would strike up a conversation with anyone willing. Even a few who weren’t, she dragged into a chat until they found an excuse to leave. Not that it happened often. She was the kind of person you couldn’t help but love.”

You shake off the faraway look in your eyes and get back on track. 

“Anyway, that was how it started. They were twins, travelling with their aunt. Mother got her talking and I got roped into playing with the twins. The girl was… she was fierce. A fire burned in her that could have brought all of Ketterdam to its knees. And he was kind. He taught me to sew, actually. Mother could never get me to focus, but he made it an art. He would goad me into using my small science, to see what I could really do. The three of us planned to stick together here. We were a team.”

Kaz knew what had happened to your mother. Two months after arriving in Keterdam, she fell ill. As a Fabrikator, there was little you could do. When she passed, you’d found your way to the Dregs and they put you to work. He’d never heard any mention of these twins. 

“He got a job in the factories. She worked at the docks. Their aunt was a maid for a mercher. For a while, anyway. Plague got her.”

You take a few deep breaths and continue. 

“I promised them both when I got settled here that I’d find a way to help them too. Marina got into some trouble with the Black Tips. They tried to pick a fight with her over a few crates headed for the colonies and weren’t too happy to lose. Dema wasn’t much of a fighter, so he couldn’t help. I tried to get them out the other night. I tried to get them on a ship and send them to Novyi Zem. They could start again there, I knew it. They were strong enough.”

Kaz isn’t sure how he didn’t notice sooner, but you still have some of the fabric strips in your hands. You’re running your fingers over a purple one that looks like it could have been from an imitation kefta. 

“What were you planning exactly?”

“We took some costumes from an empty theatre. They were almost there. I didn’t know an Inferni would be there. I didn’t know Marina had made more enemies than I could plan for.”

You’re shaking now. Not immensely, but enough for Kaz to wish he could do something to make it stop. He wishes he could comfort you the way you’ve comforted so many others. 

“I did the best I could. Marina didn’t make it out of the harbor. Dema wasn’t much luckier.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

You raise your head, but he cuts you off immediately. 

“It wasn’t. The only thing you’re guilty of is trying to help. Their blood is not on your hands.”

Kaz moves from behind his desk to lean against the front of it instead. It’s closer than he usually gets to people he’s not about to kill. When he holds out his hand, you gently place the last remnants of your friends in his care.

“I failed them. I did. They trusted me to get them out and…”

“And you’re just one person. The fact that you’re alive is a miracle. For today, that will have to be enough.”

Kaz has half a dozen decent ideas already for how to root out the guilty Black Tips and make them pay. No one brings tears to the eyes of the Dregs’- the Crows’- best girl without paying the price and more.

Kaz leads you down the stairs to where Jesper and Wylan are trying- and failing- to make waffles for the crew. Their flour covered hands and wholly confused expressions drag a laugh out of you. Your first laugh in what the others feel is far too long. 

“Oh? You can do better, master Fabrikator?”

Jesper wraps you in a quick side hug, smothers some flour on your shirt, and ducks out of the way when you reach for some cream and sling it at him. Wylan is quick to try to manage the conflict, insisting that his boyfriend put the mixing bowl down and relax. You take over the project then. Kaz takes the opportunity to slip away with the fabric strips in hand. Before he can take a crew and rip out some eyes, he needs to do something that will be more helpful to you than revenge. 

Matthias is the first to outright offer comfort during breakfast. The others are stuffing their mouths with waffles and laughing loudly while you remain subdued at your place near the head of the table. Matthias nudges your plate to catch your attention. 

“If you need us, we’re here. All of us.”

You offer the slightest smile and he continues. 

“You’ve been here for us. If we have the chance to, we’d all like to do the same for you.”