#grievingwithgod

22 June I was a little apprehensive about going out today....what if I become gloomy or irritable during the outing? Would I spoil the mood even though I know they would be forgiving? As I worry about Ms Gloomy surfacing, my mood got lifted up as we walked through the therapeutic garden, taking in all the new sights like a kid on excursion. A lizard even posed for me to take his pic. I reflected on the morning in the garden, it felt like an invitation from Papa, like Jesus talking in the gospels: "See my creation. See the flowers I've made, how beautiful and colorful they are, each unique on its own! So don't stay in the world of grey. Come! Step into the world of colours I'm painting for you. Remember My words from Jeremiah, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Danish song: Father, can I sit with You a while? Let me listen to Your voice And let me know You love me Father, can I lie down in Your light? Can I rest here in Your peace With all my joys and sorrows Father, help me be a child here on Your knees And just listen to the words You say to me Father, can I sit with You a while? Let me listen to Your voice And let me know You love me..... #reflections #griefisajourney #grievingwithgod (at Jurong Lake Garden) https://www.instagram.com/p/CfHrQOvhQke/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Thursday I wasn't ready to attempt the prayer exercise for one experiencing loss. Friday morning 3rd day of the retreat. I mustered enough courage to do part 1 - pray Psalm 143. I entered into the prayer room and sat facing the shut door. I looked at the paper and looked at the door. I did this a few times. As I sat in the dark, a song hummed on my lips. "When peace like a river attendeth my way When sorrows like sea billows roar Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well with my soul It is well....with my soul It is well, it is well with my soul" I sang the chorus again and again before I started praying the Psalm. Once I hit "It is time for me to let go. It is time for me to bid farewell, to walk away....", I broke. Sr. Elizabeth had earlier encouraged me to allow emotions to surface and when they do, to pause and ask myself "why am I feeling this way?" I paused and asked myself. Was it the man himself I couldn't let go? Didn't feel like it. I paused again and said to the door before me: "You don't need me anymore. I'm letting go of your need for me. I'm letting go of the family ministry God called me into when I moved back in. It is finished. So many mornings I said bye when leaving for work, but at your final send off, I didn't, So bye now, Pa." I didn't deny Dad's passing. I just suppress my feelings and let my head take over in the first week but the silence in the second week was too much to bear and the third week, I'm here to face and work through my feelings. There was a sense of relief saying bye but that was all the courage I had in one morning. Part two will have to wait and God knows when it's right. #lategram #akandatang #griefisajourney #grievingwithgod #grievingmyway https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce9C0kepYHG/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Thursday I wasn't ready to attempt the prayer exercise for one experiencing loss. Friday morning 3rd day of the retreat. I mustered enough courage to do part 1 - pray Psalm 143. I entered into the prayer room and sat facing the shut door. I looked at the paper and looked at the door. I did this a few times. As I sat in the dark, a song hummed on my lips. "When peace like a river attendeth my way When sorrows like sea billows roar Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well with my soul It is well....with my soul It is well, it is well with my soul" I sang the chorus again and again before I started praying the Psalm. Once I hit "It is time for me to let go. It is time for me to bid farewell, to walk away....", I broke. Sr. Elizabeth had earlier encouraged me to allow emotions to surface and when they do, to pause and ask myself "why am I feeling this way?" I paused and asked myself. Was it the man himself I couldn't let go? Didn't feel like it. I paused again and said to the door before me: "You don't need me anymore. I'm letting go of your need for me. I'm letting go of the family ministry God called me into when I moved back in. It is finished. So many mornings I said bye when leaving for work, but at your final send off, I didn't, So bye now, Pa." I didn't deny Dad's passing. I just suppress my feelings and let my head take over in the first week but the silence in the second week was too much to bear and the third week, I'm here to face and work through my feelings. There was a sense of relief saying bye but that was all the courage I had in one morning. Part two will have to wait and God knows when it's right. #lategram #aksndatang #griefisajourney #grievingwithgod #grievingmyway https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce9ChNbprKd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Someone asked yesterday, "How's the retreat so far?" Never one to give a straight answer (don't know what's my problem 😂), I said, "Just resting, feels like a patient getting ready for surgery." Words I kind of said 8 years ago when I went YWAM NZ to find the way to reconcile with Dad: "Been only two morning classes since the week started and this is what it feels like. I've checked in for heart surgery. The Surgeon has laid me on the operating table and is giving me a run through of my current condition. As we closed our eyes in prayer to end the class, His steady stream of presence felt like anesthesia going through readying me for the long surgery that will soon take place....#heartsurgery" Resting for a full day felt like anesthesia for my soul as I finished up and said bye to my first journal this year. I didn't expect to be ending on such a quote but it is a new season in life - so it seems apt I begin this journey with the journal I was gifted when I transferred to JCC. My past is full of grace My future is full of hope My day is full of possibilities Amen. #griefisajourney #grievingmyway #grievingwithgod https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce2yZ20J8O0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=