#grievingmyway

31 Jan 2018 "When Breathe Becomes Air" is the memoir of Paul Kalanithi, a neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in his mid-thirties and later passed on. In it, he shares his story and ideas on how to approach death with grace and what it means to be fully alive It dawned on me that air is all around us. We bask in air. However, air on its own is simply air till it comes in contact with another compound Air becomes breathe when sucked in by a human being and goes through the cellular system. A body comes ALIVE. It walks and it talks However, when that body ceased to be alive, it becomes as what Kalanithi titled his book, breathe becomes just air In ponder of all these, is the gift of each day still a cliché? Is the gift of waking up alive to see the sunrise and go about your daily activities a cliché? Come brothers and sisters, today is the day the LORD has made. Let us Rejoice! and be glad in it 29 July 2022 Was reminded of the posting from 2018 when I stared at the empty bin and sat with the lifeless silence in the house I used to bring the trash out for Dad everyday. Sometimes I complain about his food trash. Now, it's mostly an empty bin until mei mei comes over on weekends. The fan was whirring. The background music was on but that was all just noise. Other than myself, there was no other life. The air that becomes breathe when sucked in by a human being, that which make a body comes alive has become WHEN BREATHE BECOMES AIR in my reality. I've been coping, adjusting. Feels like a long time has passed when it's been only two months (two more days) since Dad left. Outside of the house, I function perfectly. Many things keep me occupied but they don't seem to come through the door....little motivates me within these four walls - not even my fave chimaek and reality show. Is it the house or is it me? Will the same silence follow me when I move or will it be left behind as I bid it goodbye......? In ponder of all these, is the gift of each day still a cliché? Come brothers and sisters, today is the day the LORD has made. Let us Rejoice! and be thankful for it. #griefisajourney #grievingmyway #missingdad https://www.instagram.com/p/CgkKAjMvEv2/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

#dadmoments On bus 198 to work and I saw this uncle reading the Hong Kong horse racing guide. A familiar sight, Dad was probably like him. There were days he took 198 to Bukit Merah and gather with old friends over the race. The horse racing page was Dad's favourite section. "Keeps me from dementia", he says. The man not only reads but scrutinize it, like a diligent student trying to spot the exam questions trend in the 10 year series. As I sat there staring, a flood of emotions just gushed in and welled up within. I could not but sobbed softly in my seat. "Savour the movement", I hear Sr. Elizabeth say. So I did. It was a beautiful moment. I'm tearing as I type but I really need to stop. Work calls. #griefisajourney #grievingmyway https://www.instagram.com/p/CgDY26Ev9iz/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Feeling a litt'l scared and uncertain this morning as I left the house to re-enter the world I haven't seen in three weeks. Never have I commuted to work with such feelings. A familiar rhythm of life yet altogether new. God who is always a step ahead of me must have known and prepped me through a busy yesterday. Thanks to Sabby, we visited the Lego exhibition. It was interesting to see how the little bricks come together to construct the wonders of the world on a life scale and how meticulous the builders were in crafting the details of each wonder. Similarly, though life feels like it's broken into pieces like the Lego bricks these few weeks, God seems to be telling me He'll pick up the pieces and as the Master Builder, He'll make something beautiful out of all these like the pixelated art at the end of the exhibition. And along with God in this new season will be people who I love and also loves me. I had a good time at the barbecue in church. From 12 yo to 70 yo, we were all gathered. Some I've known, others I met and talked to for the first time but it was a great time. It's been weeks since I mingled with a group and laughed so much. 22.06.22 was an eventful and tiring but it ready me to face my world again 23.06.22. #lategram #reflections #griefisajourney #grievingmyway #griefhealing #LEGOtherapy #fellowship https://www.instagram.com/p/CfIXseFpoKX/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Thursday I wasn't ready to attempt the prayer exercise for one experiencing loss. Friday morning 3rd day of the retreat. I mustered enough courage to do part 1 - pray Psalm 143. I entered into the prayer room and sat facing the shut door. I looked at the paper and looked at the door. I did this a few times. As I sat in the dark, a song hummed on my lips. "When peace like a river attendeth my way When sorrows like sea billows roar Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well with my soul It is well....with my soul It is well, it is well with my soul" I sang the chorus again and again before I started praying the Psalm. Once I hit "It is time for me to let go. It is time for me to bid farewell, to walk away....", I broke. Sr. Elizabeth had earlier encouraged me to allow emotions to surface and when they do, to pause and ask myself "why am I feeling this way?" I paused and asked myself. Was it the man himself I couldn't let go? Didn't feel like it. I paused again and said to the door before me: "You don't need me anymore. I'm letting go of your need for me. I'm letting go of the family ministry God called me into when I moved back in. It is finished. So many mornings I said bye when leaving for work, but at your final send off, I didn't, So bye now, Pa." I didn't deny Dad's passing. I just suppress my feelings and let my head take over in the first week but the silence in the second week was too much to bear and the third week, I'm here to face and work through my feelings. There was a sense of relief saying bye but that was all the courage I had in one morning. Part two will have to wait and God knows when it's right. #lategram #akandatang #griefisajourney #grievingwithgod #grievingmyway https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce9C0kepYHG/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Thursday I wasn't ready to attempt the prayer exercise for one experiencing loss. Friday morning 3rd day of the retreat. I mustered enough courage to do part 1 - pray Psalm 143. I entered into the prayer room and sat facing the shut door. I looked at the paper and looked at the door. I did this a few times. As I sat in the dark, a song hummed on my lips. "When peace like a river attendeth my way When sorrows like sea billows roar Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say It is well, it is well with my soul It is well....with my soul It is well, it is well with my soul" I sang the chorus again and again before I started praying the Psalm. Once I hit "It is time for me to let go. It is time for me to bid farewell, to walk away....", I broke. Sr. Elizabeth had earlier encouraged me to allow emotions to surface and when they do, to pause and ask myself "why am I feeling this way?" I paused and asked myself. Was it the man himself I couldn't let go? Didn't feel like it. I paused again and said to the door before me: "You don't need me anymore. I'm letting go of your need for me. I'm letting go of the family ministry God called me into when I moved back in. It is finished. So many mornings I said bye when leaving for work, but at your final send off, I didn't, So bye now, Pa." I didn't deny Dad's passing. I just suppress my feelings and let my head take over in the first week but the silence in the second week was too much to bear and the third week, I'm here to face and work through my feelings. There was a sense of relief saying bye but that was all the courage I had in one morning. Part two will have to wait and God knows when it's right. #lategram #aksndatang #griefisajourney #grievingwithgod #grievingmyway https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce9ChNbprKd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

After the last post on savoring, I am grateful for one thing. In this current journey, I have been blessed by the journeys of others who have walked this path before me. They drop a text here and there, they check in on me and encourage me. And there is one that really spoke deep into my heart and brought tears when I read the message. Today, perhaps someone might need to read this, too. "Hi Pearl How are you? I read your Facebook post. Thanks for sharing your journey so openly and it’ll impact many people. This is like a open healing diary isn’t it. You write we read… Someone is listening especially HE. Our dear papa God. This grief is harder cos you have matured and grown with ♡ and pain. That takes me back to the Father’s love when Jesus was about to be crucified on that cross. That pain if losing a dear daily companion. Everyone would journey or experience grief differently. May yours be as precious and beautiful with God every daily. The Holy Spirit is near. “It’s ok not to be ok” I wrote in one of my papers, a client who battled with mental illness masked so well. Outwardly fully functional and passionate for Christ but tormented by self condemnation and low esteem. Let the Lord bring comfort and closure in His time. Don’t rush healing cos this is painful and only the supernatural power can help us overcome all pain and grief. I grieved my dad's passing for a decade, but it might be easy for L cos she met Jesus after. Plus I’m the “carer” who was with him for every checkup, medical & business appointments. Daily encounters carelessly bind this father-daughter bond again overtime. Life filled with our father's Love is precious and let them be beautiful memory for us. Amen 1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your cares upon him for He cares for you”. ♡ & prayer W #griefisajourney #griefisreal #grievingmyway #thanksgiving https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce4-655JlCD/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

When Sr. Elizabeth cautiously passed me this sheet of paper yesterday after our meeting, she said, "I'm not sure if you are ready....." Without skipping a beat, I said, "Sure, I'll take it" but when I read it through at night, my heart slammed its door - maybe not slam but it closed. For all my high EQ and awareness of myself, I still have the habit of letting cognition rule over emotion. My dear sister said it many years ago when we talked about knowing the love of God, the love of Father, she said, "You have it in your head, it's not connected to your heart." Man, was I upset then but 7, 8 years later, I knew she spoke the truth when I finally realised and received the Father's love at YWAM. So that's me. It's sometimes a problem in moments like this. I told Sr. Elizabeth I couldn't do the exercise, she just smiled and said, "Take your time. Savour the moment, even the moments of grief, like how you sip your coffee." That made a lot of sense. It was relatable as a foodie. Except for the occasional beer chug, I take time always to savour my food and drinks, slowly taking in and enjoying the flavours. So when everyone tells me to take it slowly, take your time, I didn't really grasp it to be honest (stop short of being irritable) but to take time and savour this process, this emotion.... giving thanks to God and be grateful for whatever emotion that might surface along the way? I understand it..... in my head and in my heart....I think 🙄 #griefisajourney #grievingmyway #savourthegrief #sipping #givethanks https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce48cGfp6-9/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Someone asked yesterday, "How's the retreat so far?" Never one to give a straight answer (don't know what's my problem 😂), I said, "Just resting, feels like a patient getting ready for surgery." Words I kind of said 8 years ago when I went YWAM NZ to find the way to reconcile with Dad: "Been only two morning classes since the week started and this is what it feels like. I've checked in for heart surgery. The Surgeon has laid me on the operating table and is giving me a run through of my current condition. As we closed our eyes in prayer to end the class, His steady stream of presence felt like anesthesia going through readying me for the long surgery that will soon take place....#heartsurgery" Resting for a full day felt like anesthesia for my soul as I finished up and said bye to my first journal this year. I didn't expect to be ending on such a quote but it is a new season in life - so it seems apt I begin this journey with the journal I was gifted when I transferred to JCC. My past is full of grace My future is full of hope My day is full of possibilities Amen. #griefisajourney #grievingmyway #grievingwithgod https://www.instagram.com/p/Ce2yZ20J8O0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=