#granger-snape

~But we can't be together Can't really be friends We can't be lovers And we can't pretend Oh that boy in your life Better make you his wife And he better believe he's a lucky guy

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As the owl flew off into the evening sky, Severus sat with a glass of wine, mulling things over. He was thinking about everything really. His feelings for Hermione. The seriousness of his last statement. He knew in his heart that he deserved to die, but did he have the guts to kill himself? Theoretically he should as he no longer had anything to live for. But something inside of him still believed that Hermione could love him back.

His wand lay on the desk still and alone. Severus cradled it in his fingertips. He wished that he had died during the war, whether at Voldemort’s or Dumbledore’s hand he did not care. Only that he died. And did not have to endure this torture greater than any Crucio – heartbreak.

Severus had hoped that writing his feelings down in a letter would give it a sort of conclusion. To end the dot dot dot he still felt. But, if anything, the letter only served to instill more hope in him. As he was writing, he thought there was a chance for Hermione to possibly love him. They were so similar in intellect and interests.

But then the nasty image of her kissing Weasley came into his head, and Severus’s fingers itched towards his wand. How could that dunderheaded redhead even lay a finger on his exquisite Hermione. Hermione with beautiful porcelain skin and a razor-sharp mind. Weasley was freckled and vapid.

Opposites attract, that little voice in your head intoned. You chuckled briefly at the dry humor but nonetheless disagreed. It was a stupid philosophy. If opposites attracted, then why wasn’t Lily with him right now? She was all Gryffindor and Light – so is Hermione, that voice injected – and he was all Slytherin and Dark.

He thought of the intricate charm he put on the parchment. Severus did not try to cheat his way out of the bad situation. He put in the full memory, complete with his pedophiliac actions. It hurt him knowing that she might know what he did. It made him want to kill himself all the more.

Severus wondered what he was waiting for. Why didn’t he just kill himself now and get over with it? There was nobody in his life he wanted to write a will for. Not Lucius who he had grown distant from after the end of the war. None of his casual Death Eater friends survived the battle. He certainly would not leave things to Potter and Weasley. Could he leave something for Hermione? Would she even want it?

He figured it could do no harm and quickly wrote a will leaving everything – his Gringotts savings, his Spinner’s End home, and his rather impressive collection of books. Severus smiled, imagining how Hermione would react to a thousand or so books suddenly becoming hers for the liking. Among his collection were some of the more darker tomes but he knew that Hermione could handle them. After all she spent the better part of a year searching for Horcruxes, no doubt she did some research on them.

As Severus thought more and more about his life – all the wrong choices he had made – he knew it settled that he had to die. He deserved to die. But Severus would do it his way.

Feeling oddly sentimental, Severus gathered a large collection of vials, and proceeded in putting his best – and worst memories into them. Perhaps someone will find them one day. He felt that he needed to make some memoir of his life, however horrid it was. Included in these memories was when he got his first wand, when he realized he was gifted with the subtle art and exact science of Potion making, when the Marauders humiliated him by hanging him upside down from a tree, when he called Lily a Mudblood, and when he killed Dumbledore. After a second’s thought, Severus included when he told Hermione that he “saw no difference” with her enormous buck teeth. His heart twanged at the thought and memory of her running out crying from his class, because of his words.

The vials were put in an antique wooden box, engraved with the Prince family name. The box was previously a jewelry box of his mother’s and it was very precious to him. It seemed perfect to hold the high- and low-lights of his life.

I have done so much wrong in this life, Severus thought morbidly. Shame encompassed his features.

Slowly, mustering the courage of a Gryffindor, Severus picked up his wand and spun it around so that he would be holding it backwards. With carefully measured words he spoke first his vow, his promise.

“I love you Hermione, and I always will.” A breath taken. Eyes closed.

“I’m so sorry.” Eyes opened. Staring at the fine smooth wood in front of his face.

“Avada- “ spoken with strength, never faltering. An image of Hermione instantly popped into Severus’s head. He smiled.

“- Kedavra.” It was over. A flash of green light, so bright like the Christmas Hols. But now it was over. Severus Snape was a dead man.

As he dropped to the floor, his mind sinking into the blackness, it briefly occurred to him whether the Hermione he saw was real or imagined…

A/N:

sorry it took me so long to update! if you write fanfic you'd know that it's really hard to end a fic... it just feels like saying goodbye:(

beeteedubs, the lyrics up there are from a song called lucky guy. its by david choi. i was listening to the song when the idea for this fic popped into my messed-up little brain

the alternate ending will be up in a few days! tell me what you think:)

reviews are love

Severus arrived on the steps of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, slightly jarred from his Apparation. He walked off the porch and went around to the side of the house where he knew there to be a low window. Casting his normal Notice-Me-Not and other related spells, he peered through the first window. His vision was of a dark room with two bunk beds and clothes strewn along the floor. This was obviously one of the kids rooms from earlier, before the war. It would seem as if Potter did not care to refurnish his house.

Grumbling slightly but not deterred from his mission, Severus stood on tip-toe to look through the next, adjacent window. This murky window granted vision of the kitchen. Pots and pans of all sizes lay piled up in the sink. Plates were gathered haphazardly in a pile on the counter. It looked as if nobody had cleaned up here in a month. Briefly, Severus wondered if Skeeter had been correct in the address of the engaged couple.

They may be on vacation I suppose. Severus thought to himself. Maybe they’re honeymooning. But no I would have heard of the wedding. It would be the biggest event of the year, maybe even the decade. Walking through his inner soliloquy, Severus almost ran into the red-head himself. He was out in the backyard, de-gnoming the garden. It was a task that a father or husband would do; someone who owned the house or at least rented it. Severus’s stomach dropped at the sight of this (He would have considered his heart to have dropped, but Severus didn’t even know where it was these days…)

Weasley was talking to himself, a gentle grin on his face as if he remembered a funny joke that he had told a while back and was again recognizing how brilliantly hilarious he was.

“’Mione! Remember that joke I told you when we were out at that fancy restaurant in France?” He called out arrogantly.

“What? I can’t hear you Ron. Come inside, me and Ginny made snickerdoodles.” She replied hastily. Severus’s trained Potioneer nose picked up the scents of cinnamon wafting from the backdoor. If the girl Weasley is here too, then perhaps Hermione and Weasley aren’t dating after all. He thought, not letting the hope get to his head but overall unable to stop it. Then he remembered Weasley’s words to Hermione and the little bubble within his heart was ruthlessly quashed.

Severus went back to the window where he could see the kitchen and peered in. Someone had cleared the mess (or placed a Disillusionment on it) and the room was cheerily lit. On the table were cookies coated in red sugar sprinkles, piled high on a tray with the initials H.P. stamped into it. So Potter lives here after all, Severus thought, I remember hearing something about him marrying that young Weasley girl.

But what Severus was looking for was not some monogrammed tray.

His eyes settled upon that impossibly bushy head of hair and it felt as if he had been transported back to her 7th year of Hogwarts. Every memory of her was tainted by what he did to her that night. Cringing inwardly, Severus kept his eyes open, desperately taking in her image while his spy sense took in the surroundings.

Ginny was in a chair beside Hermione, avidly talking to her and gesturing with her hands. The Weasley boy had just walked in, and as Severus watched with dismay, placed a tender kiss on Hermione’s full, pink lips. They were lost in the moment, passionately exploring one another’s mouth until Ginny had the sense to clear her throat. The two broke apart sheepishly, and a rosy blush rose to Hermione’s cheeks while Weasley had the ego to look arrogant.

Severus stepped away from the window, not hurt, not depressed. But angry. He was angry that he let himself hold onto any semblance of hope that Hermione could be his with this trip to Grimmauld Place. Self-hatred radiated off of him in waves and he stormed away from the window, wandering aimlessly as he tried to collect his thoughts. It was dangerous for a wizard to be so emotionally charged, even the powerful controlled wizard that Severus was.

As he walked through Muggle London, he decided upon just sitting in an nearby alley and wallowing the whole night. Severus sat there casting a quick Silencing charm, and proceeding in screaming until his lungs hurt. He screamed for his loss – though he knew that she was never his. He screamed for the utter loathing he felt for himself.

Why did I think she would be mine? Who would ever want you. Hideous. Rude. Selfish. Monstrous. Despicable. Severus chided himself within his mind. He did not know if he was speaking the words aloud but it no longer mattered as he was lost, consumed in anger and hatred. Severus could feel something building up within him, something that felt familiar but foreign at the same time. Ignoring it, he continued on his tirade of all that was wrong with him, and solely believed that he ought to not be living.

Instead of becoming exhausted from this emotional release, Severus only became more fueled, stepping into the street and scanning the nighttime scene. That feeling was still building up inside of him, and just as Severus thought it would go away, it reached its climax and exploded. Magic poured out from every crevice of Severus’s body. Blinding white light shone across the night, enveloping everything on the street. Severus was shocked at what was happening but he could not control it. Anger poured out of him, wave by wave, as tremors of magic hit the street. Severus could feel himself emptying.

When it was over, Severus slumped to the ground, suddenly weary and needing rest. He Aguamenti’d a glass of water for himself and lay still, trying to catch his breath. Ready, he stood up and surveyed the street, assessing if there were any changes.

The buildings and road looked untouched. The air was no more humid nor dry. But he noticed that a several rabbits lay dead on the road, seemingly about to cross before Severus’s magic episode occurred. Puzzled, Severus continued down the street seeing if anything else had changed.

Dead deer littered the forests, bugs frozen on windows, a raccoon lay dead inside a garbage can, its paw around the core of an apple.

The magic must have killed all the animals on this street,  he thought vaguely But what if there were people…Severus jolted in his step jarred by the thought that he had killed anyone. He raced down the street then, peering into every shop and praying that any Muggles were still alive. Thankfully, most of the shops had closed for the night 2 or 3 hours ago and their stores were vacant.

However, on the sidewalk Severus came across two Muggles, middle-aged, probably a married couple. They lay still, eyes open, mouths wide. It seemed as if they had been AK’d. Severus checked their pockets to see if he could find some identification, so that he could report their deaths to the Muggle police. Inside the man’s tan slacks he found a wallet. Within a wallet there was a drivers license. Severus scoffed inwardly as he thought of how ridiculous it was for Muggles to keep all their personal information on one easily accessible card. Severus could have stolen this man’s identity, if not for the fact that he killed him. You know, guilt and all.

Upon reading the name inscribed on the driver’s license, Severus ceased his mockery and gasped instead.

Granger, Andrew Dr.

The following morning, Severus woke with a pounding headache. After he realized that he killed is beloved’s parents, he dutifully drank himself into oblivion. He must have passed out around 4 in the morning on the floor. Downing a hangover potion, Severus reluctantly recalled what happened and what he was going to do about it.

That’s it. She’ll hate me forever once she finds out, Severus thought If she finds out..

He knew it was wrong to keep this information from her but Severus didn’t think he could live with even more loathing from the one woman he loved. She deserves to know. Don’t be selfish and only think of your feelings. How do you think she feels? Not knowing who or what killed the two people she loves most in the world. That little voice inside Severus’s head spoke to him sternly, adopting the tone of both Minerva and Albus.  

Sighing, but determined Severus set out to go tell Hermione that he had killed her parents. But it wouldn’t be as simple as knocking on the door of 12 Grimmauld Street and telling her. No, he would need a plan or a diversion – something so that he didn’t feel the over-bearing guilt encompassing his body.

A letter. It was perfect.

Severus sat at his mahogany desk and got out a blank piece of parchment and his best phoenix quill. He didn’t know where to start. Should he tell her he loved her? Or just mention the death and how sorry he was? Severus mulled it over for the next few hours, writing ideas down, scratching them out, and downing several glasses of Firewhiskey. A pile of crumpled parchment sheets lay crumped on the floor.

He had finally penned a letter sufficient enough to express his feelings.

Dearest Hermione,

I am not one for pleasantries or formalities so I will cut to the chase in this letter.

I am in love with you.

I cringe at how blunt it may sound but it’s true and there is no other way to describe it without me sounding like a love-sick third-year You may not believe me so let me elaborate. It began when I saw you at the Yule Ball. You were absolutely beautiful and I could not believe that a creature this magnificent would also have the perfect mind. I insulted you during class because I saw so much of myself as a youth in you. That intelligent striving young child, waiting for their appreciation to be noticed, needing to be heard. Since I detest myself it only seemed reasonable to transfer these feelings towards you through my speech and actions. For this, I apologize. I do not loathe you, I only loathe myself. But I do love you. Never doubt that. I am many things Hermione, but I am not a liar.

There was a night back when you and your friends were searching for Horcruxes. You were camped in the Forest of Dean and I had arrived to give you the Sword of Gryffindor. But something else happened that night. You do not remember because I Obliviated you. I apologize. I cannot write into words what I did as it is so horrid I almost want to Avada Kedavra myself for it. I know you will. There is an enchantment on this parchment that will give you back your memories once you “unlock” them. Simply Alhomora this parchment and you will get your memories back. However, please do not do this until you finish reading the rest of this letter.

Now as much as I do not wish for you to hate me, I believe you will once you hear what I have to tell next. Last night I was stumbling around Muggle London, angry and confused and just a little bit heartbroken. I read earlier that day in the Prophet that you and Mister Weasley were engaged. So I went to Grimmald Place and spied on you. I saw the two of you share a kiss so obviously filled with love. It angered me and so I went for a walk. But an unusual magical episode occurred to me while I was on this walk– most likely from keeping my emotions bottled in all these years – and something happened. I was walking on Cannon St. So were two Muggles. The blast of magic that erupted from me killed every living thing within a 2km radius. Hermione, I killed your parents. I know you will not forgive me but I must ask for it because part of me cannot live while knowing that you detest me so much. If you do hate me –and I am near positive that you do - I understand completely.

 But here I do you a favor. Instead of having to track me down and kill me yourself, I have taken the liberty and done so for you. These are the last words I write as a living man. I love you Hermione Jean Granger. I am sorry.

Severus Snape

A/N:

don't panic! i lied in my last authors note. i ended up creating another chapter after this so this chapter 6 is not the last chapter. 

chapter 7 will be the last one. i am almost 100%-kind of- maybe sure of it. 

and then i will post the alternate ending:)

what do you think of where the story went? ch 7 will be the unhappy ending - just a little warning. the alternate ending tho will be all happy and fluffy and just plain delicious;D

reviews are love