#gpome

So, it's my 33rd birthday. For any followers who might not know me just yet, birthdays are not always fun for me. They remind me of too many things that I should be at whatever age I'm at, and makes me guilty that I'm not that person, and makes me despondent at the thought that there isn't much time left for me to be whatever I've been told I should be. Birthdays became even harder after I lost my mom 3 years ago.

This time last year, I was at one of my lowest. Three weeks prjor, I had just had to leave a job I'd been at for three and a half years, and new job prospectives seemed out of reach. There was one very big opportunity I'd been holding out for for at least a month, but it never came through. I ended up in a three-month bout of some of the hardest depression I've ever had to deal with. I nearly did drastic things. I almost didn't make it to my 32nd birthday.

I'm 33 today. I could wax on about everything my parents and elders said I should be at 33, but I find I only have enough time to be grateful to have even made it to 33 considering I almost didn't make it to 32. Sure, some things still remain a problem - I'm still flat broke most of the time with compounding bills and payables, I have difficulty losing weight andq finding the motivation and energy to be proactive about it, I still get attacks of depression and anxiety and Impostor Syndrome, my dad is still the hardest person to spend time with - but all things considered, I'm in a much better place today than I was in last year. I don't know if that's just my brain compartmentalizing to a fault, but I'd like to think maybe it's because I've just managed better somehow. I know for a fact I didn't do it alone. A lot of people have gotten me through the past year, have held my hand or helped me up, have given me a hug or smacked me upside the head when i needed it, have believed that I would pull through. And I'm glad that on this day, I'm here to be able to feel and express my gratitude to them all. My bad brain weasels could make the thinking go in the opposite direction, but right now, they can't touch this, and i'm so thankful for that. I'm glad to be today's me and not last year's me.