#gp fic

But Sirius wouldn’t let him speak

Wouldn’t even look at him

He kept his eyes fixated on the blackened marks of his family tree

On the blackened mark that was once him

‘I thought- I thought coming back would be all I ever thought it was.’

He ran his fingers along the charred lines and the unwoven bits of fabric that stuck out from the tapestry

 ‘I had this vision- it was like- it was- it was this light for me. It’s what I would see when I stared at those stone walls you know? When I was tired of being angry, when my plan to escape was wrought with holes, when I was ready to give them my soul... Well, if I had had any left to give.’

Remus stood stoic, his eyes on the figure of a man he had only recently come to know

‘In the ideal world I created I had figured it out before I climbed on my bike. I knew it was Peter and I would never have blamed you. I would have gotten there on time, I would have gotten there just before and I would save them.’

Remus could hear the cracking of Sirius’ voice

‘And after I saved them, after me and Jamie and Lily had defeated him together I would see you through the haze of magic, I would see you running towards me with that look on your face. You know the one when you hadn't seen me after a long day and it was like when your eyes finally found mine you could breathe again? Seeing your face in that ideal world helped me breathe again Moons.’

Remus watched the tears dribble down Sirius’ cheeks

‘And I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you, trying to apologize for being so careless, for running in wand blazing against the Darkest wizard of our time because-’

Sirius choked out a laugh, ‘because you would have been so angry with me for risking my life rather than ready to take it yourself.’

‘And then what?’

Remus’s words were quiet and soft

He was biting his cheek to stop the tightness in the pit of his stomach that came from images of this imaginary world

A world so different from one he had thought of for so long

One where he had stopped their deaths but it wasn’t the Dark Lord at the end of his wand

‘And then I would take you home. To our home. The one I had been saving to buy back then-’

Remus bit his lip harder and could feel his eyes welling

‘I walked passed it everyday when you were gone wherever Dumbledore had sent you that time. There was this huge window in the front with these pillows and cushions and I could see you reflected in the glass. Another book in your hand, another cup of tea. I tried to see it every time my heart was too heavy.’

Sirius swallowed harder as his fingers tightened around the blackened threads

‘And I imagined I’d grow old there. Lay myself down knowing that my brother was safe, that Lily was safe, that my godson was safe. I’d die old and grey and not as alone as I feel now with images of us in my mind. I wouldn’t have to die knowing I failed them all.’

Remus couldn’t bare to stare at whoever this hopeless soul before him was

Couldn’t bare the guilt he felt knowing the ill will he wished Sirius

Knowing that he begged the world to let him be the one to take his final breaths

But it hurt more that he barely knew him anymore

That looking at him felt unfamiliar and strange

He had wanted his Sirius back for so long

His Sirius who had been young and bright and commanded the whole room

His Sirius who couldn’t hold his firewhiskey and always liked to cuddle and never had cold fingertips or toes

His Sirius who was just tall enough next to him to let his nose rest against the back of his neck so that his lips met Remus’ spine

His Sirius who was sarcastic and witty and unnervingly talented at just about everything he tried

‘But I’m not the man I was 12 years ago and nothing can change that now’

Remus swallowed painfully

Because Sirius was right

This Sirius was angry with the world

This Sirius was hopeless and stuck and draining

This Sirius never spoke more than a few words a day

Never let himself be touched

Never cleaned the dirt beneath his fingernails knowing that it would always be a part of him now

‘And how could you ever look at me the way you did before all this? You couldn’t, you still can’t, not even now.’

Remus lifted his eyes from the tapestry

Turned to see a flicker of the man he once knew beneath that hollowed frame and shaggy black hair

His eyes were still his, as piercing and silver as ever

The softness of his smile never left when they looked at each other

But Remus needed him to know 

‘I hated you’

Sirius stared at him

His face unwavering, everything he felt now kept bottled up inside 

‘I hated that I spent the war on the brink of losing my mind, that every change with that pack was sure to make me wake the next day with skin splattered with blood and my jaw aching and my body torn’

Sirius winced at the images that assaulted

‘I hated that you spent years by my side, years in my bed, years listening to me say how I could never repay you all for the life you gave me and still thought I could ever betray James’

Sirius bowed his head, curling into himself was the only way he knew how to shield the blows now

‘But I hated myself more for still wanting you’

Sirius lifted his eyes at the last words

The wetness of Remus’ cheeks enough to cut deep inside of him

‘You deserve to be happy Remus. It was just never meant to be with me’

‘I wanted it to be’

Sirius pulled his lip beneath his teeth as Remus spoke softly

‘I wanted to be happy with you, even after what you did... what I thought you did’

Remus curled in hands into fists

‘I didn’t think it was real, I thought I was stuck in a nightmare and every morning I would reach my hand out hoping to feel you there but you can only grasp the cold air so many times.

I was hollow for so many years, I hadn’t laughed, I hadn’t known I was allowed to be anything more than a ghost. But when she walked into the room Sirius something struck inside me. I never thought I would feel it again, not after you.’

Remus rested his palm against the back of his neck trying to stop the way his nails dug into his hands and his shoulders tensed

‘I’m not the same man either Sirius- neither of us fell in love with who we became but Dora- Dora hasn’t lost who she is. She’s whole and kind and strong.’

Sirius let his eyes close as Remus spoke

‘She reminds me of everything good about you. She’s not afraid of life, not worried about living. She reminds me of Lily when she hums and James when she laughs and Harry when she yells. She makes me see a future where I can be me again, where I won’t feel so sick about the day when my whole world became bleak.’

Sirius let his hand drop from the charred wall and opened his eyes to Remus

His walk slow as he approached him

His face hardened by years of turmoil neither of them should have ever endured 

He came before him, should to shoulder, chest to chest and rested their foreheads lightly together

‘You deserve a future Moons’

Sirius’ voice was low

His eyes closed and his hands found their way to Remus’ neck

‘I always loved you Pads’

Sirius pressed his lips softly to Remus’

Remus could feel it vibrate through his body

It was almost like he was a young man again

Almost ...

But these lips were rough and chapped and untouched in well over a decade

Not like the lips he had once craved

Not like the ones that knew every inch of his skin 

That had marked their ownership all over him

The feeling was gone

The fire that used to spread through his body had long since been put out

The electricity on his skin from Sirius’ unparalleled grip around his neck felt like a goodbye

It was all a goodbye 

And it was the last thing Sirius ever needed to say 

As his eyes drifted open

As he dropped his hands from Remus’ neck