I am larger than my father.

My height is greater,

My shoulders broader.

There was a time somewhere in my history

Where I should have stopped growing,

But did not.

And now I have crossed some line from child to other,

Even though I never asked to grow up.

And even though I am larger,

on the eve of my grandmother’s funeral

I ran crying to him,

And crawled like a toddler into father’s lap.

He tried to cradle my shaking body,

But even though I was only fifteen,

I have absolutely no idea how to talk about this..... I've been 1000000% more self conscious the past few months than I have all my life. I hate my hair. My body. My skin. Clothes don't seem to fit right anymore. I buy more makeup hoping it will make me feel a little bit better about my self..hid behind it I guess. I hate how I'm almost 21 and never even applied to any school yet because I have NO idea what I want to do with my life. I don't have my license yet. I get my mom to drive me to work everyday. My self esteem has gone on a downward spiral lately and I hate it. I do something and the comment I get from my parents is "no wonder you're single!". I don't care if they're joking or not but that does not help whatsoever. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I've even told them that and they just laugh. It's like they want me to be like my sister. Tall, skinny, has a boyfriend (who's a complete asshole) and actually leaves the house. 

I'm stuck. My brain has been running nonstop about everything. I can't work at Staples in the copy center for the rest of my life. I want to spot eating unhealthy but I need help..something I can't seem to get from anyone. I have one friend that I can talk to but even then she's not even the greatest friend ever even though I've known her since we were two.

I hide everything. I hide everything behind sarcasm and funny posts pm tumblr. I smile and pretend everything is ok when it's not. I just shove it to the corner of my brain and keep moving because I know someones mood can effect others and that's the last thing I want to do.

I want to be someone who's independent. Someone who knows what they want to do with their life. Not me. Someone who depends on everyone else for everything (mostly) and has zero idea of what I want to do. All I know is that I want to travel. Go somewhere else and meet new people.

All of this started when I got fired from teaching dance/kicked out of dancing altogether. Dancing used to make me feel good about myself because it was something I was good at. It was a source of exercise and it gave me confidence. Now that I'm just making copies at Staples and laying in bed or on the couch on Tumblr all day I feel gross. I'm scared of growing up and that's not helping me one bit. I'm terrified.

Oh Hello lovely people!

Let me start this by saying I was siting here tonight talking to a friend about finding yourself and it got me thinking about all these things I have over come in my life and how I got to a place I am today. I wouldn't say my life it all fine and dandy and nothings wrong but I feel somewhat proud of myself now into my adult years. 

I remember being back in high school and middle school even and just comparing myself to every girl I saw... we all do it. Like why can't I have perfect skin like her or why isn't my hair that shinny, why don't those shoes look that good on me. When you sit down and think of it it's actually really stupid. Were all different for a reason. Were not meant to be carbon copies of one another. Life would be boring as hell if that was case. As easy as sounds to say oh you just have to let go.... just stop caring what others think and all that stuff people would tell you growing it's really not that easy. But one day you will realize that's just what you need to do. Things will happen you'll learn and it will fall into place. In reality you won't wake up one day and suddenly not care a bit about what others think but gradually it will happen. I know it will. 

For me it started after I graduated high school. I was starting cosmetology school and I was terrified. All I could picture was I'd be going to school with a bunch of snobs like the literal "Mean Girls". The ones I hated in high school. I actually began to doubt even perusing this dream because of it and that just flat out RIDICULOUS. Like even if it did turn out like that I was about to let that get in the way of MY DREAM? No way that would have been awful I would have ended up in some job I hated envying those doing what they love. So thankfully I dove in started this dream of mine. Turns out everyone was awesome and welcoming and I made a pretty good friend that has the passion as me, make up. Through out my time in cosmo school I felt like I was finding my self a bit. I genuinely felt so happy with how things were going for me. This was the first step in becoming confident and "not caring". I felt like earlier in my life I was sort of lost. I had no idea where or what I was going to do with my life. All my friends had their lives mapped out and then there was me tagging along behind them dazed and confused. I always knew in my heart that something to do with makeup is where I wanted to be. But do to the views of others I told myself that wasn't a real job and I wouldn't get me anywhere or make any money.  But the end of my senior I finally realized that I hated the idea of going to a 4 year college and I knew i'd be throwing my money away. So basically I came home that day and told my parents straight out I don't care anymore what you think i'm going to cosmetology school and that I did. 

After becoming genuinely happy with the things I was doing in my life. I realized maybe it was time to be a bit more happier in my own skin. I told my self I was gonna find one thing about myself that made me different than other girls and grow to love that. In time I found 3.

1. The gap between my two front teeth. My whole life I hated my gap. I hated it so much I begged my parents for braces and some way to get it filled. I literally hated it so much. The older I got the less I noticed it and I just began to realize that its one thing that makes me not perfect. And I do believe that's a great thing... I don't ever want to be perfect nor do I aim to be. My gap is one thing that not every girl has. Today I'm thankful my parents never wasted money on braces. 

2. 3 little beauty marks on the right side of my face near my chin. I know so random. But just like my gap I absolutely hated them. I didn't have them my whole life they sort of just appeared there around 15ish maybe. I would try everything to cover them. I don't really know why that would or should even have affected me so much. But they did and I wanted them gone. Thinking back it's so ridiculous that something so tiny could seem like such a large problem. There are FAR worse problems than a few freckles! Now today I wish I had more, I think freckles are beautiful. I know see those "marks" as something that makes me and individual. Makes me a little different than the next girl. 

3. That I give everyone a chance. Some tell me this makes me naive and I shouldn't have so much trust in people. The way I look at it is if they haven't given me some sort of reason to not trust them then I have no reason to not trust them. Simple as that. Same goes for judging. I can not stand others who judge people before they've even had the chance to have a conversation with them. Once again the person I hardly know has done nothing to as I hardly know them so what place does that put me in judge them. But also not judging peoples life choices... I feel like this is extremely pathetic. This persons life is not affecting yours so why should it even matter to you what they do with their life. I feel like the reason I feel so strongly about this is due to the fact that I have gotten judged a lot on the fact that I'm a more quiet person. People either think I'm extremely shy, i'm not being my self,i'm snobby or I don't like them and this is never the case. I keep to myself a lot when I'm with people i'm not close with. But if you took the time to talk to me or get to know me you would know I'm the complete opposite and actually talk a bit too much... I like the idea that I give everyone a chance. We all deserve one.

JUST BE YOU. I'm sure as hell that's better than trying to go through life faking it. 

There are far more things that I have faced trying to grow into my own skin but I felt like these were important pieces to my puzzle. And I'am certainly not all there yet seeing i'm in my young twenties. But I can say personally I feel that I have accomplished some confidence compared to being 18. I'm not sure who will find this post or even if anyone will but all I hope is that one young girl will read this and take something from it. I do hope so because I wish nothing more than to to have stumbled upon something like this when I was 15 or even 16 or 17. If I could help just one person that would be enough.

If you took the time to read this I Thank You lots xoxo

Stay beautiful. 

-Erica.....daydreamer.