#goosesage

“STOP!” 

Goosefeather’s eyes shot wide open and he wheezed out a shaking breath. The other medicine cats were still sound asleep, beside him. None of them looked to be having terrible dreams, they all looked completely at ease. It was only him. The ThunderClan healer sat up, his breaths coming in short bursts. Oh StarClan, why? Why are you doing this to me, specifically? Goosefeather wailed internally, knowing he would never get a reasonable response. I can’t do anything about my visions, what’s the point of sending them to me? Old anger bubbled beneath his pelt and he felt his fur begin to rise. 

He squinted as he turned to the Moonstone, the bright light dazzling his bleary eyes. He imagined it collapsing into a pile of rubble, its glow fading and reducing the cave to pitch black darkness. Well not complete darkness, Goosefeather thought spitefully, staring up at the ceiling hole above. The stars glittered coldy in the cloudless night sky. Moonlight seeped through the opening, and down into the cramped cave. Even if the Moonstone was gone, StarClan would still find a way to slip a sign into his normal life. It had happened before. 

They would always be watching him. He could never truly run from the star’s foul, vigilant gaze. Eyes would always prick his pelt, his paw steps would always have been foretold, and every hair on his pelt wasn’t his. 

He was the heaven’s plaything. 

Goosefeather wanted to implode in frustration. He wanted to march right up to whoever ran the rat-pit that was StarClan, and demand why he had been cursed.  Why he had to live like this, drowning in visions, when every other healer only got a dose of it. 

Why me? Why me? Why me?

Goosefeather tore at the floor beneath him, but there was nothing to shred, only cold, scuffed stone. His claws scraped painfully against rock as he rapidly flailed his arms, struggling to hold back his enraged hisses. 

After he got tired of that, Goosefeather sank to the ground defeatedly. He wanted to go home and curl up in his nest, but he had to wait for his apprentice, Featherwhisker. The tom was sleeping a few tail lengths away from him, his young face peacefully still. A pang of jealousy jabbed at Goosefeather’s heart as he glared at his snoozing form. 

Why cant I be like that? Why can’t I have normal dreams? He swallowed, trying to bury the feelings of envy towards his apprentice’s good fortune. 

It’s not his fault, StarClan doesn’t hate him. 

Goosefeather let out a hoarse sigh, and buried his face into his paws. His eyes watered and hot tears rolled down his cheeks, dampening the gray fur on his face. Little gutteral animal-like noises erupted from his mouth, and he pressed his paws over it, trying to keep quiet. He sobbed into his pads, his whole face contorting into an ugly cry. Eventually, the noises died down in volume, though his throat burned painfully from the outburst. He rubbed his paws at his face, trying to wipe away the tears and snot. I’m acting like such a fussy kit! He chided himself, though he kept on whimpering. 

“Goose?” A low, confused voice sounded from his left side. Goosefeather looked up with a sniffle. 

Sagewhisker, the ShadowClan medicine cat, was sitting up in her spot, her yellow eyes blinking as she adjusted to being awake. She was Goosefeather’s romantic partner, his mate. A tiny inkling of warmth stirred inside of Goosefeather’s belly. She stood up and padded over to him, her long limbs gracefully stepping around several of her slumbering companions. Her white fur glowed under the Moonstone’s light, making her look ghostly. Goosefeather shivered and tucked his paws beneath himself, blinking away the last of his tears. 

Sagewhisker curled up next to him, reaching out a sleek white paw. 

“Oh Goose, why are you awake? Did you have more visions?” 

“Isn’t it obvious? When don’t I have more visions!” Goosefeather grunted, flicking his tail irritably. Sagewhisker was silent for a moment, her ears twitching in response to his abrasiveness. Her paw lingered uncertainly in the air. A wave of piercing shame ran through Goosefeather’s pelt. 

“I-I’m sorry.” He meowed in a quieter tone, ducking his head. “I’m not over it still.” Sagewhisker’s eyes filled with warmth. 

“You don’t have to be. I understand.” She meowed softly, placing her paw on his shoulder. 

“Do you want to tell me about it?” 

Goosefeather shifted in place for few heartbeats before nodding silently.

 “Okay.”

He inched closer to her, and leaned over to press against her pelt. She shifted her position, making it so Goosefeather could rest his head on her flank while she craned her neck to face him. Goosefeather felt immensely comforted by her presence. She was real and infallible. Sagewhisker wouldn’t harm or terrorize him. He was safe, even just for a moment. Goosefeather sucked in a laborious breath. He started telling his partner all about the wretched dream he had bore witness to. The visions of cats yet to be born. The awful noise of their stories  pounding inside his skull. The endless, dark void he thought he would never escape from. Sagewhisker listened patiently, her expression calm as he spilled out his woes.

“I don’t know why StarClan keeps sending me these awful nightmares! I can’t even do anything about it! No one will listen to me, and Cloudberry taught me to not meddle with fate! As if she knew anything about it!” Foam flecked at the corners of Goosefeather’s mouth as he ranted. Sagewhisker rasped her tongue soothingly behind his ears, nodding quietly. Goosefeather sniffled, pressing his head harder against his mate’s flank. 

“I don’t know what to do, Sagewhisker. The visions won’t stop. I can’t control them. Everywhere I turn, it’s foul omen after foul omen. I scare my clanmates. Even my own sister.” Goosefeather swallowed painfully, his eyes beginning to water once more. 

“I’m going to live like this forever.” 

Sagewhisker stopped licking the back of his ears. Her expression was steely as she looked down at him with her marigold-yellow eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Goosefeather. You don’t deserve StarClan’s ire one bit. Whichever gaggle of spirit cats decided to give you this gift are bat-blind, and just as foolish in death as they probably were in life.” Her expression hardened with anger. 

“If they keep sending you these dreadful messages, I think you should have some sort of plan for calming down after the ordeal.“ 

Goosefeather tipped his head. “Like what?”

“Take deep, slow breaths after you see something. Don’t let it get a hold of and consume you. Another thing I’ve found that can distract you, is clawing pictures into the dirt. I know it sounds kit-like, but it’s helped me before. It takes your mind off things for a good while. Maybe chew on some honeycomb or drink moss water mixed with chamomile too, I’ve heard it’s good for unwinding. You could even ask Featherwhisker to help you get some. Or take a stroll in the forest and find it yourself. It sounds simple but, a good walk can really help clear your head.” 

Goosefeather blinked, feeling a smidge skeptical. “Are you sure those will work? I don’t know…” Goosefeather trailed off with a huff. Sagewhisker laid her tail gently on his spine. 

“Listen, why don’t you meet me at the ShadowClan border two sunrises from now? I can show you how to do all of these things. We can even test out other strategies. I know it can be daunting, believe me. I know. But it’s important to get into at least one of these habits so the stress doesn’t overwhelm you. StarClan can’t disappear, but we can find methods to help you accommodate and cope.” Sagewhisker nudged Goosefeather’s forehead with her muzzle. 

“Okay, I don’t see why not.” Goosefeather said in a gruff voice. “But you’ll help me with everything, right?” Sagewhisker nodded. “I will, I promise.” Goosefeather twitched his tail approvingly, but then he felt his face fall. 

“What about my clanmates? And my sibling, Moonflower?” Goosefeather’s voice began to tremble again. “They hate me.”

Sagewhisker’s eyes rounded. Goosefeather readied himself for more uplifting encouragement, but a snarl escaped the white she-cat’s jaws. “Then they are toad-brained crow-food eaters. How dare, they shun you without even bothering to listen to what you have to say? You’re the medicine cat for a reason! You’re a skilled healer, yet they all can’t see that past the bridge of their noses. I’m sorry about your sister, perhaps there’s still a chance to mend things with her, but the others… If they dislike you, than that’s on them. I know you, Goosefeather. Quite well. It’s a shame they don’t want to too.” 

Goosefeather felt his skin burn beneath his pelt,  jolts of surprise poking at his body. He twisted his head around to stare at Sagewhisker, who was huffing. She took a deep breath and let it out through her nose. After a minute, she looked back at Goosefeather, her shiny yellow eyes gleaming. 

“Anything you need, Goose, I’m there. I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’ll always be a border away.” 

“Okay.” Goosefeather mumbled, his voice trembling with barely contained emotion.  Feeling as if the metaphorical clouds had cleared, he meowed quietly. “Thanks.” 

Sagewhisker touched her pink nose to his cheek. “Anytime. I care about you, Goosefeather. A lot. I want you to remember that.”

Goosefeather’s chest warmed and he pressed his muzzle into her fur affectionately. Gratitude and love for his mate swept through his body, flooding it with the first overload of positive emotion he had felt in weeks. “I know.” A weak purr rumbled in his throat. “I do too.” 

Sagewhisker brushed her thin muzzle along the side of his face. Goosefeather closed his eyes, trying to drink in as much of the moment as he could. He was safe and happy right now. Sagewhisker, the cat whom he loved dearly, was nuzzling him fondly. 

No visions, no spirit cats, no terrible things beyond his comprehension were plaguing his mind right now. Only comfort and genuine love. The warm, fuzzy thoughts bounced around inside his brain. It would keep him occupied, but only a for bit. He knew he would spiral again soon. But the thought was slightly less terrifying. At the end of the day, he would be reassured of one fact. He would always have someone in his corner that would help and support him; Sagewhisker. 

The ThunderClan medicine cat felt himself smile as Sagewhisker rested her head overtop his.  The warm weight made him feel like a kit again, bundled up in the nursery in piles of cozy moss. Goosefeather blinked, a strange feeling of bliss overtaking his senses for a heartbeat. His eyes darted toward the Moonstone. It seemed to burn even more brightly than before, and he squinted at the harsh glare. The light was seeming to rise in brilliance, though the moonlight wasn’t increasing; the glow within the stone itself was. Goosefeather blinked. When he opened his eyes, the excess rays and shine were gone. It looked normal again.

 Goosefeather felt like he had been drenched in ice-cold water. 

He turned away and buried his face into Sagewhisker’s neck fur, making her meow softly in surprise. Joke’s on you, STARCLAN. I’m going to keep being mates with her, no matter what you say. She’s cared for me more than you fox-hearts have. We’re happy together, and you can’t change that. I won’t let you. You can send me all the omens in the world, but I won’t let you ruin this for me!

Sagewhisker’s muzzle brushed his ear. 

“Are you alright, dear?”

Goosefeather looked up at her with a crooked smile.

“I’m more than alright, Sage. Thank you.” He pressed his snout back into her moss-soft pelt, making her purr.