goodnight to everyone except bug, because they keep sending me ominous messages about how ive sinned

Just know I don't feel this is over. I wasn't ready or prepared to let you go for good. I wouldn't feel this strongly about you still if I didn't love and want you the way I have since July 13, 2013. Fell in love immediately, no matter what we've been through and how hurt I felt, I still loved you. And the hurt doesn't matter anymore. All I ever wanted was for you to stop hiding your feelings and show me that you want me. I realize that is too much to ask for. I know the love was there... I just wished to feel it more. I see where I went wrong and I know how to appreciate it more. I just... I don't know. I miss you. I'm sorry.

Something that no one seems to realize is just how hurt I am through all of this. I am constantly being messaged and told that it's not that big of a deal and I'll get over it soon. No. No I won't. You don't know what it is like to be in the position I am right now. It's not just a "thing" I can get over. It's a person, who I have loved for almost 3 years of my broken, fucked up life. I'm not just sitting here eating ice cream and crying to my friends. I'm fucking depressed. I'm fucking empty. It's not just a break up when you can't seem to get yourself out of bed in the morning. Morning turns into afternoon, and then into night and you're still fucking laying there. Its not just a break up when you're surrounded by a dozen people and you can't hear a word they're saying because your mind is so focused on seeing the love of your life crying over and over and fucking over again in your head. It's not just a break up when you can't even get yourself to speak out loud to friends, customers, to answer the phone or a text. It's not just a break up when you're so consumed in the thought of holding his hand that three hours pass in the bathtub, the water had run cold and you realize you've been shivering, with purple skin for that long. It's not just a break up when someone had to come into the bathroom to find you blacked out crying because you heard a song that he once sang in a funny voice and you couldn't even move, and they had to dress you like a fucking child. I can't brush my hair. I don't eat. I feel like I barely even breathe anymore. My chest is always hurting. I only sleep from pure exhaustion with all the lights turned on. I am always wishing I don't wake the fuck up because I can't do another day of this. It's not just a break up when you can't imagine anything but his fucking brown eyes from the last time you saw him. From the first time you saw him. from every time in between. I'm in constant fear that he already found someone else. That he doesn't care the way I do about this. That he doesn't miss me. Then he likes my pictures and there's hope that I might have him back but I don't. Everyday that I wake up, I don't. I miss him more than the ability to breathe. I miss him so much. I'm trying to be strong but my body is collapsing. I can't live like this. He has been my motivation to be a better me, for me, for so long. I can take care of myself but I have no desire to if I don't have him to support me through it like he always has. What is the point without him. What is the point

goodnight moon

We're too busy right now to write each other nice messages or texts and that makes me sad. I love you baby. I love that when I can't sleep at night I know I can call you and I know you'll pick up and I know you'll offer to stay up and read to me even though I just wanted to hear your voice. I love how your so patient and sweet to me even when you're tired. I want to see you so badly soon, please. Less than a year and a half to go now baby, and we'll have our own little shitty place with ridiculous rent but it'll be ours. You're the best. I couldn't imagine life being as awesome if I didn't have someone as awesome as you to watch movies, read books, debate, nap and enjoy life with. Cheesy stuff aside, you're fucking awesome. I'm so glad I'm in love with my best friend.