#goodbye36

One peacekeeper grabbed my legs, one grabbed my left arm, one grabbed my right arm and the leader kneeled down next to my head, then spat into my ear. “I know it was you.” He snarled, standing up and kicking me in the gut. I tried to wriggle out of the grasp of the others, to no avail. Yet again, I was kicked in the gut, and I struggled to breath for a few moments as I was picked up from the ground and pushed against a wall, a knee quickly barging into my groin. A final punch to my face left me spitting blood on the floor as the peacekeepers strolled out, shouting behind them.

“You come back, you die.”

I was surprised to see that eight kids plus two adults could fit into the tiny room, but they did and before I could get up and wipe my tears, they were all in here looking as distraught as I was. The three youngest came running towards me, smothering me in kisses and hugs and it just made me sob even harder. I couldn’t be strong right now, not even for them. Elia, our main carer pulled me up from the ground and I pulled her into a hug. There weren’t many things I asked from her, actually there was nothing I asked from her but I did have one thing. “Please don’t let them watch this year.” I whispered into her ear and she nodded, I didn’t think she was going to let them watch anyway.

My mother was the first to dramatically embrace me, tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was kissing me all over my face and under normal circumstances I’d pull away from her but I had to let her have this one last thing. And the best thing I could do was zone out. I didn’t have time for all these emotions. Laura who on a good day only wanted to decapitate me, was hugging me and sobbing into my shoulder with Marco’s arms wrapped around my waist. The only person not hanging onto me for dear life was my father who was just as unemotional as I was.

“You come back to us okay?” and although I knew that the odds of that were next to none I nodded anyway, not feeling like speaking right now and then father coughed.

“Can you give us two a minute.” he said and the three of them nodded, I kissed Marco on the forehead and watched as he walked out. Now, in the room stood my father and I. “You didn’t have to do that Rafaele, we wouldn’t have been angry or upset with you if you didn’t.” and then I just had to shake my head. This is where my father and I differed, we had our priorities in different places.

“But I did, because I did have to. I’ve watched one too many friends die in that arena, I wasn’t about to let my brother die in there too pa, that wasn’t going to happen.” he nodded, finally understanding. A sigh escaped his mouth as he tried to think of something to say to me and I said nothing so the silence dragged on. I felt like I was going through the seven stages of death right now but in a real fucked up order.

“You remember everything I taught you, you don’t do anything stupid, you never give up and you come home do you hear me Rafaele?” I looked back at my father and just laughed, it was so weak of him to hold onto so much hope - false hope.

“Don’t hold your breath.” and then, he was gone. I was expecting to be hauled out of the room now to leave for the Capitol, but instead five mismatched bodies practically fell into the room and I just wanted to kill them all. “And what the fuck do you think you’re all doing here. This is not how we work, or how we operate.” but I was secretly glad to see the faces. All of them, except the one I like seeing the most. “How is Blank?”

“Fucking really Raf?! We all come in here to see you and you ask us how Blank is?!” Vanity practically screeched at me. I turned my head to the side a little and just raised my eyebrow. Did she really just?

“Yes, considering that she just - oh I don’t know, got Reaped.” I took a step closer to Vanity, my eyes never leaving hers and I guess she finally realised just how badly she just fucked up. “Do you remember when Q. was Reaped Vanity? Do you remember what it was like watching her being mutilated by that Career girl? Because I do. And it wasn’t fucking nice. Now, I get that you hate her, I really do but I asked you a question.” Vanity looked down before opening her mouth to answer, however no words could leave her mouth. Q. was her best friend, I could say it was rather cruel of me to bring her up.

“She didn’t want any visitors” Israel finally piped up and I just rolled my eyes, of course her beautifully stubborn self didn’t want any visitors, I wouldn’t expect anything less from her.

My eyes are stuck on her hands at first, amazed by how steady they are given the circumstances. But when I look up into her face, I know she must be using all her willpower to keep them so still. Her lips are contorted into a tense line and her eyes are red and swollen with tears. She isn't meeting my gaze. 

"…Thanks," I mutter softly after a moment, and with that she pulls me into a hug. It's hard to know what to say in this situation. I can't promise her everything will be okay, because I doubt it will. I can't tell her that she won't remember this in a year or two, because I know this moment will never leave her mind. And I sure as hell can't try to make a joke, because I know she's smack me hard enough that they wouldn't have to worry about getting me into the arena to kill me.

So I hold her and let her cry against my shoulder. I listen to my father tell me how proud he is to be my dad and how he knows I'll make them proud in the arena. And when my mom finally eases away from me, I let her touch my cheek and stare at my face as if she's memorizing each detail - engraining the little nuances that photographs can't catch so that she'll remember what I looked like once I'm gone. 

"If Dio--" she begins, stopping to gather herself as her voice starts to crack. "If Dio was here, he'd know exactly what to say to make you fight hard in the arena." Normally my mom is good at knowing what to say, but this time I think she might be losing her touch. 

"But he isn't, Mondo, and I want you to understand that it's not your fault. Don't go to the Capitol with guilt in your heart. That will only weigh you down. Go with courage, and… and determination and that stupid hard head I haven't managed to beat out of you over the years." It's supposed to be a joke, but tears are running down her cheeks as she says it.

I manage a bit of a smile and nod. Looks like she hasn't lost her touch, after all. 

A peacekeeper enters to tell up our time is nearly up and my mom kisses both of my cheeks before giving one last hug. As we part, she presses her  handkerchief, stained with tears, into my hand. The only token she has to offer me. My dad shakes my hand. And at last they're escorted out. 

The gang stops in to tell me goodbye then. This meeting is less sentimental, and I don't remember most of it. They scraped together cash to buy me this pasty I like from the bakery in town. Which is a lot, coming from them. When peacekeepers collect them as well, I know I have no more visitors. 

When she doesn’t answer I look up at her. Momma isn’t very old but right now she looks much older than she is. Her neat bun of hair has come undone and cascades messily over her shoulders and the furrow in her brow seems to be getting deeper. “Very very slim August.” She finally says keeping her mouth pressed in thin line. Giving a deep sigh Momma plopped down in a chair which seems odd since we don’t have much time together. Mirage said we only get a few minutes for goodbyes before we need to leave for the train.

  I don’t know what else to do so I sit down next to Momma, resting my head against her shoulder. She wraps her arm around me, stroking my hair like she did when I got nightmares. “So I guess I won’t be seeing you for a while then huh?” I break the silence after a moment. In the back of my head I’m wondering why I still haven’t seen Poppa today but the excitement of leaving for the Capitol mixed with worrying why Momma is acting so weird overshadow it. Momma nods her head; a stream of tears roll down her face as she leans down to kiss the top of my head. “You and Poppa are gonna watch me on the TV though right? You’ll watch me when I’m gone?”

  “Of course August. Every second you’re on the screen.” Her answer reassurs me but I still really wanted to know about Poppa.

  Pulling away from her shoulder I look up at Momma. “He’s not coming is he?” It was hard to keep the disappointment out of my voice. It was my big day after all.

  Momma sighs and looks to the clock position on one of the walls of the room we’re being held in. It shouldn’t be long now till Mirage comes knocking telling me it’s time to go. “I don’t know honey.” Finally she told a bit of truth. “I just don’t know.” Everything about her answer screams how defeated she is.

  As if on cue the door slams open to reveal Poppa being practically thrown in by a peace keeper.  “Poppa!” I’m on my feet and running before anyone could react. My arms grasp around his waist and even though I saw him yesterday it feels as if he’s gone for years. “I thought maybe you weren’t coming.”

  I look up at Poppa but he’s not looking at me right now. Instead his gaze is locked on Momma’s and there isn’t any hint of love in it. “And miss saying goodbye to you? Of course I wouldn’t miss this August.” He ruffles my hair but chooses to remain standing and glaring at Momma. The two seems to be waging some internal battle without words and I can’t tell how either side is doing. I hate that on my day they’re too busy thinking of each other.

  “It’s not goodbye though Poppa.” I state matter-of-factly. “It’s only for a little bit then I’ll come visit when the games are over.

  “You didn’t tell him? Christ woman you’re just going to send him off without letting him know what he’s really going up against?” Poppa rarely raises his voice but now he’s almost yelling at Momma.

  “And tell him what? Really. Go ahead, tell him whatever you want. August knows the truth.” She’s standing now too, eyeing him down. “Better yet why don’t you just leave. You were already halfway gone and we were doing just fine.”

  “Since when is sending our twelve year old off to be slaughtered without him even knowing remotely what’s going on ‘fine’?” I hate when they use big words I don’t understand.

  “Well maybe if you wouldn’t have left last night we could have figured something out! Maybe if you weren’t such a bloody coward-”

  “ME! A COWARD!” When have you ever faced anything in your bloody life?” Each word made me feel more and more invisible to the two of them. “You’re too stuck in your own little bubble of protection you’ve made you can’t even enjoy life anymore.”

  The words hit Momma like a tonne of bricks. Her mouth was agape and her eyes wide in shock. “Your bags will be packed on the front por-” She never got to finish the sentence as a knock on the door silenced her. As if the lights turned on in the room and both my parents saw I was standing there the whole time they both rushed to hug me at the same instant. Both seemingly forgetful of the fight they were waging.

  “Gus I love you so much. One day when this is done you’ll understand what I’ve done for you and I hope you can forgive me.” Her words confused me but I didn’t say anything.

  “Oh don’t give him that crap. Let him know now so he doesn’t have to hear from someone else. August, the games are real-” Cut off again, this time by the burly peacekeeper storming the room.

Suddenly the door flew open, looking over, I saw a Peacekeeper gesture in two familiar figures, my mom and dad. Both of them calmly walking into the room, they knew it was timed, didn’t they? They must have known they only had so much time to see me, but it seemed as if they didn’t really care. Stopping just in front of me, mom looked at me from head to toe and shook her head.

“You could have at least held your head up high and showed some confidence. You know, show what a great, intelligent family you come from? But no, again, you decide to take a great opportunity and just throw it away. Well listen here, Calin Anderson, the second your name was called you were no longer my son. Why? Why so harsh? Look back at your last seventeen years from that moment and then you’ll have your answer. You will never survive out there, and you are basically dead as it is. Now, I wish you the best of luck, and may the odds be in your favor.”

With that, the woman that I have called mom for my whole entire life turned her back on me, turned her back on her own son and left him for dead. No hug goodbye, no I will love you…no…instead I wasn’t her son…I was just nothing to her. I was a failure all my life, and I was going to die a failure in the games; I knew it…and so did she.

The tears began to form in my eyes, not because I was sad that I was reaped, no, I was heartbroken. All I ever wanted was for her to care, to see that I do try and for her to like me for who I am, that’s all I wanted. And now, as I stand here pathetically, I failed at my only task.  Staring at my shoes, I noticed a tear drip down, and so I slowly looked up to find my dad still standing there, staring at me not saying a single word. We just stared at each other for a long time until finally the door behind him opened with a peacekeeper’s voice calling out to him.

“Time is up sir, it’s time for you to leave.”

My father didn’t pay him any attention, he was always like that, just kept his thoughts inside and observed. He was always a man of little words, and when he spoke it meant something. It was strange, I never understood it, dad never talked, but all mom did was talk, I guess it balanced out though at the end. Slowly I watched my father take two steps towards me, looking up at the man, I realized that I had still been crying and the tears were dripping down my cheeks. Wiping them off I tried to make myself look as least pathetic as possible, but that seemed to be a little too late.

Putting his hands on my shoulder, I looked up to him again as he simply nodded to me.

“Just try not to die.” He simply said, face blank and expressionless, but even I knew what he was thinking, and that was the exact thing as me; there was no way in hell that I was going to go in there and come out alive. Taking his hands off his shoulder I watched him leave the room, the Peacekeeper closing the door behind me as I watched what my life once was disappear in front of me.

No longer would I be waking up to the same stupid alarm every morning. No longer will I have to traverse to school by myself. No longer would I be picked on in and outside of school and constantly being the test dummy for others. No longer will I be able to just stare at the districts clouds and waste the time away. No longer…will I ever come back to what I once had.

And all that…just because of one…simple thing…because…

“The champagne will keep, we will pop the cork when you come home. Safe and sound, a victor.” Mama reached out to cup my cheek, her thumb running across the freckles she knew to be concealed under my foundation. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes as a thousand what-ifs ran around in my head. The chances were I’d never see my mother or father again; but I couldn’t afford to think like that. I wasn’t a defeatist. I could do this, I just needed my mum. She pulled me into another hug, soothing the back of my hair as she sung an old Russian lullaby against my ear. I told myself that I hated the way she fawned over me but I loved her to pieces. Finally, my mother pulled away taking my father’s outstretched hand as he hauled her to my feet. Leaving me to scramble up on my heels and into his waiting arms. He didn’t hug me often anymore but I could tell in the tense way that he held himself that my father was frightened. He hated not having control and this; the Capitol, the Reaping, the Games…they were all beyond his power to change. He’d protect me from everything my entire life and now he couldn’t. He had to watch me disappear and hope that he had instilled his own fighting spirit in his heir.

“Batya.”

“I know, светляк.” He rocked me silently, as I held him. Mama rubbing circles across my back as my parents made their peace with this turn of events. It was the only weak moment I’d allow myself. Standing here between my parents with unshed tears on my lashes. After this, I would become what I needed to come home. The Careers might know how to kill but they weren’t counting on the underdogs. I might look sweet and innocent but I could put a bullet in their brain without batting an eyelid. That made me dangerous and I needed to hold onto that fact now more than ever. They could talk a big game, but I could back it up. No one was going to take advantage of me in the Capitol. I was an Oleksei and I’d be damned if I wasn’t the one standing on top of the heap at the end of all of this. “We love you, светляк. Come back to us, you have what it takes. Don’t let them win. You’re a истребитель. Don’t let them change you. мы тебя любим, светлячка.”

“Я люблю тебя и я обещаю, что не подведет.” I turned to each of my parents in turn, pressing a kiss to their cheeks as our time grew shorter. I knew my brothers were waiting in the wings and no doubt Rurik had a thousand things to say. “I’ll see you both soon.” With one last embrace, my father pulled my mother towards the door. She was already crying softly into his shoulder as I lifted my fingers in a small wave goodbye, watching as the door shut silently behind them.

I barely had time to register their exit when the door opened again and my brothers appeared. Mikhail swept me up into a hug, his stubble scratching across my cheek as he apologised over and over again in Russian. I wasn’t sure what he was sorry for but I let him hold me for a long moment before his embrace let up. Nikolai moved forward for a much shorter hug, his gaze haunted as he sat in a chair in defeat. “You had one more year, Slo-mo. Why couldn’t… why didn’t…”

“None of us thought it would happen, Nik. There’s no point dwelling on the what-ifs any longer.” Mikhail admonished, his hands on my shoulders as the three of us stood in a room together for what could be the last time. I loved my brothers, I’d barely gone a day without them torturing me in some capacity or another and now I was faced with the prospect of being ripped from my home and from all I’d ever known. But I wouldn’t cry. I was done mourning this decision and my brother’s knew that. “You can do this though, Sloane. You know how to use weapons, you know how to fight thanks to yours truly. They will underestimate your capabilities because of your stature, your home but learn from Ioan’s example. Fly under the radar and when it comes down to it strike.” Ioan had barely been a blip on the Capitol radar when he had arrived; just another kid from a District known for brainiacs and nerds. But he had used the stereotype to his advantage, decimating his competition with a skill he’d kept under wraps. That was what I had to do and I smirked up at Mikhail with a nod.

“That’s the plan,” I replied dropping down to give Nikolai a hug even as he continued to stare off into space. This would be hard on him. He’d had friends perish in the Games and even though we weren’t close I wanted him to know I’d miss the great big lug. “I’m sorry about your foot, Nik.”

He was tense, his arms finally coming around me as he nodded silently against my shoulder. “You have to come home, Slo-mo.”

“Wouldn’t dream of not coming home. Someone has to keep the two of you in line. It’s my purpose as an annoying little sister.” I pulled away to stare at my brothers. The three of us couldn’t be more different but I knew in this instant that despite our age gap we loved each other unconditionally. They would have done anything to save me from this fate but this was my battle to be fought. They couldn’t insulate me away from my enemies, I’d have to face them head on and show my family that I was no longer the weak link. “I love you both, okay? You have to look after Mama, she…”

“We will, don’t worry about things here. You’ll be back to scrutinise our every move soon enough.” Mikhail answered dropping a kiss to my forehead as Nikolai stood and made his way to the door. He wasn’t emotional but he wasn’t going to tell me he loved me. I knew that already.

“Look after him, Mikhail. He doesn’t look so good.” It was the only piece of advice I could give my oldest brother, who glanced in Nikolai’s direction. “Look after them both.”

“I’ll help them drown their sorrows in vodka. We will be okay, Sloane. I promise. I love you alright kid? I’ll see you soon.” Another hug passed between my brother and I as I nodded sadly into his chest. I couldn’t find any other words to say to him as he pulled away, squeezing my shoulder in his last gesture of comfort before he curled his arm around Nikolai’s shoulders and escorted him from the room.

I moved away from the middle of the room to the window, pressing my hand against the cool glass as I watched the workers dismantling the stage. The Capitol banners were being ripped down already and the court yard was relatively empty. It was all over. A few minutes and everything had changed. One slip of paper had landed me in a world of trouble and now I had to muddle my way through to come home. It wasn’t fair. But I couldn’t rail and rant about the turn of events; there was twenty other tributes who were in the same position as I was. Some would have barely lived their lives and now they would be facing certain death. I was so deep in my musing that I didn’t hear the door open, but I jumped when strong arms wrapped around my waist from behind. I could smell his cigarettes clinging to his clothes and I knew exactly what Rurik had been doing to pass the time before he could say goodbye.

“You smell like ash, comrade.”

His head dipped to my shoulder, his silence was far more telling than words could ever be. I’d been so annoyed at him last night and now all of it seemed so trivial. We stood like that for a long moment before I spun in his arms, reaching up to drag off the eye patch. If we were going to do this long drawn out goodbye I wanted to see the real him. Scar and all. “None of this, comrade. No sadness. This was a chance we all had to take, even you.”

“I can’t protect you from this, Sloane. How am I supposed to do my job when I can’t even stop this?” He was broken up, solemn as he spoke. His hands on my arms as his faze met mine. It was then that I smelt the faint tang of vodka on his breath. He’d already started commiserations and I had a distinct feeling that he’d be passed out before I even reached the Capitol.

“Don’t do this. This isn’t your fault, Rurik.”

He shook his head. Words wouldn’t come and I was almost glad that he was tongue tied. He dropped his forehead to mine, his arms wrapped around my waist as we stood silently. This was all the goodbye we could managed. Rurik had worked tirelessly for years to keep me out of harm’s way and now he had to sit idly by while I fought for my life. He’d hate every second of it and I just hoped that Mikhail could stop him from drinking himself into oblivion. No words were needed as we stood together, taking comfort from each other like we had been for the last twelve months but I knew we couldn’t stay like this forever. “It’s time to go comrade.” My voice was muffled against his chest but I knew Rurik had heard me by the tensing of his shoulders. No argument left him though as he simply nodded and pulled away like I’d given an order. “I’ll miss you.”

“Me too, Duchess. Me too.” He moved to cradle my face in his hands, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips. It was then and only then that he let go, moving to the door as I watched him walk out of my life. His hand paused on the door knob as his shoulders hunched. “I love you, Duchess. Just come back to me, okay?” He didn’t wait for an answer, heaving the door open and slamming it behind him as I leaned against the window sill. He hadn’t waited because he was afraid of my answer. He knew I didn’t love him the way he loved me but it was then that I had hoped I could have said something in return. But it was too late now and I no longer had time for regrets. I stood silent for a few moments before Ioan knocked on the door, he stepped inside almost looking surprised that I wasn’t curled up in the corner sobbing.

“All done?” I nodded at his question, crossing the room and following him down the hall to the car that would take us to the platform. “You know, you don’t have to be brave all of the time.”