#good omens transcripts

AZIRAPHALE: Sorry, have we met? FURFUR: Oh, no, you never had the pleasure, but ah… we have, haven't we? CROWLEY: Have we? FURFUR: What do you mean "have we", you know we have! We were in the same legion. … Just before the fall. Doing dubious battle on the plains of Heaven. Remember? CROWLEY: I remember going into battle, I don't remember being there with you. Sorry. FURFUR: I was right next to yeh! We did loads together! You said jump on my back like the monkey in a waistcoat! Anyway, whether you do or whether you don't, it doesn't matter. I'm here to inform you, as a representative of the high powers of Hell, that you, Crowley, are in breach of the infernal code. Consulting and collaborating with an Angel, Fell the Marvelous, aka… Azirapalala. Azirapapap. Aziphapalala. AZIRAPHALE: Aziraphale. CROWLEY: Pure coincidence. I happen to be here, he asked for a volunteer… FURFUR: "The miraculous Bullet Catch requires the use of a trusted stooge and confidant." AZIRAPHALE: Where did you get that booklet? It's only available to working professional magicians, such as myself. FURFUR: [speaking German] ZOMBIE MAN: We… got it from the man in the magic shop just after you left. It was… [laughs] his last wish that we should have it. AZIRAPHALE: But you're dead. FURFUR: Living dead. Now, agents of Hell. ZOMBIE MAN: [screams] FURFUR: Don't bother trying any funny business. I think you'll find that someone who has great authority has put a half hour miracle block on this entire theater. CROWLEY: Who? FURFUR: Me! Who do you think? Come on, come on… Erm… All right, Crowley. Shall we? CROWLEY: Oh, we shan't, this is ridiculous. FURFUR: No, what's ridiculous is demons like you doing what they please and somehow still getting on, while demons like me graft for hundreds and hundreds of millennia and never get a sniff of a promotion! Well not this time. Expect a legion to come for you first thing tomorrow. Enjoy your last night on Earth.

CROWLEY: How? There was a miracle blocker on the room, I saw you put it back in the envelope. AZIRAPHALE: Who needs a miracle when you've had private lessons from the great Prof. Hoffman himself? I simply say the magic words: banana, fish, gorilla, shoe lace, with a dash of nutmeg, and… Well. I got it right the time that mattered. CROWLEY: You really are terrible at magic. Shall we retire the act? AZIRAPHALE: Perhaps. Might be for the best. CROWLEY: Hmm. AZIRAPHALE: I, uh. I knew you would come through for me. You always do. CROWLEY: Well, you said "trust me". AZIRAPHALE: And you did. I mean, you could've walked away. If you were truly as evil as you like to paint yourself, you would have done that. CROWLEY: Nah. That's the trouble with you lot - you tend to see things in black and white. Sometimes, you've just gotta blur the edges. AZIRAPHALE: Well, maybe there is something to be said for… shades of grey. CROWLEY: Well, shades of… dark grey. AZIRAPHALE: Shades of very light grey, I'd rather fancy.

AZIRAPHALE: Let's see, could you play something that has a bit of swing? I'm in the mood for something modern - but not bebop. [BENTLEY BEGINS PLAYING 'MOONLIGHT SERENADE' BY GLEN MILLER] AZIRAPHALE: Perfect. … Oh, I wish I could stop and give you a lift, but I'm so late. I'm sure someone will stop for you. [clears throat] How odd. I'm so, so sorry. I really do have to get to-- Oh! HITCHHIKER: I'm so sorry, can you be an angel and give me a lift? Only my, my car's broken down and, and my phone's dead. Just to the next town, there's a garage there. AZIRAPHALE: Oh… Yes, well… I suppose you'd better climb in, then. HITCHHIKER: Oh, you are the nicest person. I'd given up, thank you. AZIRAPHALE: Yeah. HITCHHIKER, NOW THE DEMON SHAX: I knew you couldn't resist somebody in distress. What a heap of junk this car is. You think you would have upgraded sometime in the last 90 years, but no. AZIRAPHALE: Who are you? SHAX: It's Aziraphale, isn't it? Former Angel of the Eastern Gate. AZIRAPHALE: You have the advantage on me. SHAX: I do, yes. Shax. Former Admissions demon, senior grade. Now a Hell's ambassador planner potentially to this corner of the planet. Replacing the demon Crowley. AZIRAPHALE: Ah. SHAX: Crowley's got Gabriel, hasn't he? AZIRAPHALE: [car swerves abruptly] I really have no idea what you're talking about. SHAX: It's the only thing that makes sense. Crowley is hiding the Angel Gabriel. AZIRAPHALE: I think you must have me confused for someone else. SHAX: I'm a little bemused as to why Crowley should risk destruction for you. You don't seem his type at all. I can tell Hell Crowley's got him. AZIRAPHALE: Crowley doesn't have Gabriel. Where would be put him? Gabriel would never go to Crowley, he hates Crowley. SHAX: He hates you. AZIRAPHALE: I don't know where he is, but he isn't with Crowley. SHAX: No? AZIRAPHALE: No. SHAX: You know what? Sometime in the last 80-90 years, I remember hearing that you and Crowley were an item. I didn't believe it then. Not really. Poor old Furfur. He thought you were his ticket to the big time. Now he's in Requisitions. AZIRAPHALE: I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. Nor where this Angel Gabriel, who I've never heard of, might be. SHAX: You can let me out here. AZIRAPHALE: This is the middle of nowhere. SHAX: Sounds about right. It's okay. You've already told me where he is. AZIRAPHALE: No! How, how did I tell you where Gabriel is? SHAX: You didn't. You have now.

[Part 1]

[Part 2]

NINA: No, it won't do any good. MAGGIE: It doesn't matter! We have to tell them. NINA: [scoffs] Fine. Anyone wants anything, tell 'em we'll be back in five minutes. MS. CHENG: [SAYS SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSLATE] Okay. [waves] CROWLEY: [groans] MAGGIE: Tidied up! NINA: Where's the other one? We need to talk to you. CROWLEY: He's out-- not a good time. NINA: I wasn't asking. There are things you need to hear. You and your… partner have been messing about in our lives. MAGGIE: We're not a game, we're real people. You can't just pair us up for your amusement. CROWLEY: [sputters] You were crying, and Nina needed rescuing, and-- NINA: My relationship just ended! I am not ready to start another one yet; I'd just be a rebound mess. I can't start seeing Maggie! When I'm ready I hope she'll be there, but there isn't any guarantee. MAGGIE: [whispers] There is. NINA: You're not helping, angel. Look at you two. You're the hard-bitten one who can't trust anyone ever again, and Mr. Wherever-He-Is is the soft one, who still believes in magic and people being basically good and all that. CROWLEY: Why are you telling me all this? I don't understand. MAGGIE: That's why she's telling you, because you don't understand. Because you and Mr. Fell don't ever talk to each other. CROWLEY: We talk all the time! We've been talking for millions of years! Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-blah-- I say something brilliant, he says something unintentionally funny back. It's great. MAGGIE: You never say what you're really thinking. It was all we needed. It's what you two need as well. Crowley: [stares]