#goneforgood

my mother came and tried to help me move; did not communicate with me at all about her plan, didn't take me into consideration about my own apartment. i bought her a lyft, i sent her money, she bounced off walls with frenzy. took three hours before we even started moving, dillydallied to get coffee and the rental, dead-named me and misgendered me to the stranger who sold me my dream bed frame, the same stranger who seemed to observe me the moment i walked in. the strangers cat was beautiful and all white. she started arguments she wouldn't finish, parked illegally even though the parking lot was 20 feet away. she thought she could just show up and take over and was sorely mistaken. i ran to get food and locked myself in the gender neutral stall, chanting the mitski in my headphones in complete sobs.

'can you just put your feelings aside for today, we have things to do. no, im not saying suppress it forever, just while i'm here'

i was becoming more and more numb as she ignored me. she completely ignored when i had a depersonalization attack. (i jolted myself out and realized i wasn't breathing). i asked my friend to come mitigate and she became the fake/fun version of herself, making jokes and quips that hurt. i was beside myself in giggles, i knew if i didn't laugh i would scream. she was careless, we watched her speed up on my street, the van back door SLAM into a parked car. i knew she would panic, so i ran to her side and consoled her;

'its okay, you're okay, i promise its okay, nothing was damaged'

she looked so scared, i saw so many different women in her this trip.

we got back to my new place and she insisted the highest priority was to fix my fridge and ended up spending hours on it, when we should have been utilizing the rental van. after watching her scream at a wrench and strike the fridge, i ran to borrow my friends power tools and when i returned she had a screaming fit about how she wouldn't ask for help, i should assume. i suggested she eat something (she hadn't had more than a few bites the entire day) and watched her fork plain grilled chicken out of the bag, drinking wine;

'i need to be functional'

finally finished her day, begged me to bring her cake from a private party down the street. she wasn't sober for sure, i became the sitter. she swore she read the label and then denied being on an edible.

'if you get me cake i'll love you forever.'

after whining about the lights and my bed and swatting me off when i tried to hug her, i finally got her to lay down and stay down. if i'm being honest, she was way better when she was high. we were having so much fun. i was so unbelievably overwhelmed by her and my neck and shoulders were in so much pain I couldn't sleep and the next day i was running on fumes, I took her to get breakfast at my favorite place and tried to have an open conversation (the one we should have had days before) she dismissed the entire thing, rolling her eyes and projecting her insecurities, saying i was patronizing her. i gave her options for the move, i expressed everything calmly despite being stressed beyond notion and sleep-deprived. she finally informed me she planned to stay for several more days, and i couldn't find my breath again.

i know i was being an asshole, i was fed up, i started my period the day she arrived. nothing i could say would get through to her. i made quips back, i sobbed, i tried grounding myself, to no avail. i was a dog with a cone, barking for someone to hear me, and scolded.

we drove to target and i was incoherent, i was speaking quietly and barely forming sentences, i just needed to sleep. i didn't care about shower curtains or laundry bins. i kept writing in my notebook and posting on my story hoping someone would help me. we were seperated and i saw her angrily gossiping on the phone, probably to my younger sister.

i fled to the van after making my purchases and the second i closed the door; the soft opening piano keys of Claire de lune on the radio. I finally unraveled, uncontrollable sobbing and gasping and telling her to let my process. adrianne lenker soothing me in my ears. the woman drove recklessly, with airpods in. i saw a man standing over a grave at the cemetery, sobbed harder. i stuck my head out the van window and saw the beauty of fall, i hurt so much but the world seemed to say, we have you, just breathe. I looked over and she was filming her drive, muting the video over my breakdown.

when we got home she finally decided to give me her undivided attention. i knew it was coming, i unloaded it all. i said everything i wanted to say and everything i didn't. she called me unhinged and scary. i was fidgeting with my keys and my friends pocket knife while i ranted. i don't remember everything i spit but i know it probably looked deranged. what can i say? i could blame the 36 hours of stress without sleep but 'thats an excuse'.

'just because you want to be a parent doesn't mean you should be.'

thats what got her to tear up. she quietly said she should leave. i wasn't sure if she was bluffing, i put my headphones on and she swiftly packed her things, i didn't even realize she was gone. thats when i got the text:

her solution: institutionalize myself and hand over my keys, my dog, my life. all i wanted was some fucking sleep and conversation.

then she called me on the phone; asking me if she was leaving or staying, spitting her venom back, she couldn't do it to my face.

'the truth and the sad reality *birthname* is that.. you can't keep friends. you don't need me, you obviously don't want me, i think you need to seek professional help, if you're refusing that then you're just going to be stuck on your own and be mad and saying that i left you and i didn't help you when i did come here to help you and you refused to let me. those are facts, babe.'

at this point it was comical. she wasn't my mother anymore, just some woman in my house. and i may have to cut her off. the worst part is my sister is totally on her side. so i guess i lose both; at least for a while.

First look at Gone For Good

A new trailer has been released for Gone For Good, which is set to release August 13, 2021.