#godvssin

For the past 4 months or so, being away from dancing & pretty much spending a lot of alone time at home, God finally put this specific phase in my character building journey to a close. There were days I complained out of frustration at my temptations, days I cried out to him out of weariness, days I found joy in His presence, & days I fought for Him. & boy, did I fight hard. & after 4 months of just really digging deep into my heart, cleaning out a bunch of junk & surrendering those things to the only One who can really handle it, I found freedom in those areas for the first time in 3 years. That freedom wasn’t found through a crazy retreat experience, or this one revival night at church, or a prophetic word from some famous speaker. It came from coming to the feet of Jesus, every day, for 4 months. Regardless of what I was going through, regardless of what I was feeling.

In 2015, I struggled with sins, struggled with apathy, struggled with God’s promises for my life. One thing I realized as 2015 started coming to an end was that I could’ve easily chosen to let myself feel shame for my sins, ignore God because of my apathy, blame God when I didn’t feel like He was fulfilling His promises, etc. But I chose not to. Because God's heart to know me was never & is never based off of what kind of person I am. & when I refused to let me define His love for me, that's what changed everything.

But that’s what many of us do, isn't it?

“I can’t go to God” “Why not?” “I just love the world too much.”

But since when did it become God vs. The World?  

It’s become so normal for us to hide from God when we sin. Adam & Eve did it, & we do it every day. You think, “I love the world (my sin) too much, that’s why I can’t possibly go to God” But no, God says, “Come to Me, because you love the world (your sin) too much.”

We need God, not because we deserve him out of self perfection or righteousness. We need God, because we can never be perfect without Him. Because we’re broken people, & because we just love this world too much. & when we choose not to hide, & we sit at His feet instead, with dependance & in vulnerability, that’s when He finally gets the space to invade & transform your life. It’s not God vs. The World. God made the world in order to save the world. & God is the only One we need, really, in the broken world we live in.

& although it took me quite a while to learn how to overcome my struggles & to depend on Him to mold me the way He intends, I finally learned that moping around & complaining about how I'm NOT being the person He created me to be isn't really going to do anything. Running to Jesus, knowing that I'm not being the person He created me to be, is actually the way I become that person. Letting him fix the parts of me that need fixing. Letting Him love & encourage me in times of doubt. Letting him pick me up again, & again, & again.

& you know what? That takes time. & it takes failure. But it is possible, because a perfectly good Daddy has a perfectly good plan for me. Because to live my life the way He intended is more of a desire to Him than I can ever know.

My desire for this new year is to come to the feet of Jesus, surrendering daily my brokenness, my dreams, & my desires to Him, the moment I open my eyes every single morning. Because His love changes everything, & His presence is all I need.

There is a harsh reality that no matter how much we love God & no matter how much we try to be like Him, we fail miserably, more often than not. Then we sit there, thinking “wow I’m so sinful.” or “wow why did I do that again.” or “God must be so disappointed in me right now.”

Then we comfort ourselves by reminding ourselves of our identity in Christ- that he died for us so that we don’t have to condemn ourselves. That he died for us so that we don’t have to feel shame. That we have HOPE for a better me, because God says so. Because God loves us unconditionally. Because He won’t stop fighting for us. Right?

But everything ends up revolving around sin. What we did right or what we did wrong. What we chose to do or what we chose not to do. What we were smart enough to do or too weak not to do. What we successfully fought for, or what we failed in fighting for.

Either way, in some way or another, we so easily lose focus on the main point of the story: Jesus, the Victor of sin itself.

What I came to realize is that most of us easily go to God when we don’t want to sin, but know we are probably going to. For example, I know I’m gonna go to a party today, but I don’t wanna get wasted. But I know I’m still gonna go, & once alcohol gets the best of me, you never know what I’m gonna do. So I pray, “God I don’t wanna make any mistakes today, & I don’t wanna do something that’s not of your character. So please help me to be smart, please protect me, so that I don’t do anything I’ll regret.” Easy peasy right? Because I know God doesn’t want that for me either. So me & Him are on the same page. Of course He’ll help me.

On the other hand, most of us don’t go to God at all when we DO want to sin, & know that well… we probably are still going to. See, cause that’s a totally different story. It’s almost instinctive for us to think that because we know that God doesn’t want us to, but we want to, & because no matter how much we know we shouldn’t, we’re probably gonna do it anyway because, well, we really really really want to, there’s just no point in going to God about it. I mean…When He tells us not to do something we really wanna do, we’re probably not gonna listen anyway right? Right?

God gave me a revelation that this is THE #1 bestselling master evil plan that the Enemy uses to trick us into believing that because we’re doing something that’s against God, we should do it away from Him. Far away, where He “can’t see us”. & it works every single time.

But what if… What if we go to God, when we want to sin the most? What if we go to God, knowing that we want to do the very thing He doesn’t want us to do, & knowing that no matter what He tells us, that we’ll probably do it anyway? What if we go to God, in our most vulnerable, most weak, most desperate moments, & let Him do whatever it takes to fight for us, even when we can’t fight for ourselves?

Many, many times in the past couple weeks, I’ve found myself going to God with my realest, my rawest version of honesty, & telling Him, “Daddy, I reaaaaaaalllly really want to do this today. & I know, I know I shouldn’t, but I really want to. & I think I’m still going to. So God, I know I can’t fight this desire on my own, so would YOU do what it takes to change me from the inside out. I’m not willing to give this up right now, so you take care of it. I put my sin, I put this desire to sin, into your hands. Do what it takes Daddy, cause I can’t do it on my own.” & I can undoubtedly say that EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I went to Him with my dirtiest secrets, He invaded. He would invade the darkest places in my heart, change my deepest desires to rebel against Him into simple desires to just be a little bit more like Jesus. He would even change the circumstances around me- to the point where I PHYSICALLY can’t sin (even if I want to!!). & I’ll sit in my room at the end of the day & just think to myself, “Wow.. I really didn’t need to do that today.. I wonder why I wanted to do it in the first place.” & I look at what I foolishly thought I needed so much in my life, & realize I just went one more day without it.

You see, God’s not just throwing tests at you all the time. He actually wants to TAKE PART in your journey to be more like Him. He doesn’t just jump to conclusions & say, “UH.. Eileen, you messed up today whyyyy did you do that?!?!” Instead He says, “UH Eileen hello???? I am right here! Let me help you, sweetie.” He’s not frustrated with me, He’s patient with me. & He probably laughs at me when I think I can do everything on my own.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13) I guess this is what living out day to day the victory that Christ has already won for us really looks like.