#god-thing

Next summer while my team and I are in Africa we will be visiting two different countries, Zambia and South Africa. In each of these countries we will be working with two different organizations. To read more about the ministry we will be working with in Zambia you can visit my post about it here. After we have gone to Zambia to work with Every Orphan’s Hope we will head to South Africa for a…

A Tumblr friend of mine (shout out to http://magical-creation.tumblr.com!!) sent me Proverbs 24 in my inbox... well, not the entire thing, but she suggested that I read it.  So this morning, as soon as I got the message, I did.  And man, did parts of it hit home. :) God definitely does speak through His Word.

The sections of that passage that I found hit me the hardest were Proverbs 24:17-18 and 24:29.  For those of you who don't have a Bible handy (I didn't so I used biblegateway.com, awesome website) these are the verses:

 17 Do not gloat when your enemy falls;    when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice, 18 or the LORD will see and disapprove    and turn his wrath away from them.

...

29 Do not say, “I’ll do to them as they have done to me;    I’ll pay them back for what they did.”

I know that I can be a vengeful, grudge-holding person.  The way that I've held on to the hurts that people have caused me over the past few months has shown that to be truth.  But I also know that God will forgive me.  That He calls us to ask for forgiveness and to be known to Him.  If we sin, we shouldn't turn away from Him in fear and shame.  We should walk right up to Him and say, "Father, Abba, I've sinned by doing X/Y/Z thing; please forgive me and help me walk on Your path."  Or something similar, obviously you don't have to use those exact words. ;)

When I get hurt, I really get hurt.  I'm an oversensitive person sometimes, especially when it comes to criticism that is not kindly or gently intended.  When it's intended to hurt, it does hurt, and it continues to hurt.  There was another person whom I befriended awhile back; I knew it was an unhealthy friendship as we struggled with the same things, but she felt very angry towards me for many things.  Now I can look back at it and laugh a little, because I know that some of the things she said were not true, but at the time, it really, really, really hurt.  Now I can pray for her and honestly wish her the best in life, but at the time, I was really angry at her and remained angry for a long time.  I don't ever intentionally try to hurt people with my words or my actions, but there are times that I have wished that people hurt the way that they've hurt me.  Not kind of me, not Christian, not the way that I should be acting, yet there you have it.  Sinfulness runs rampant without God acting in us.  I still find it difficult to forgive those who have hurt me the most, but I am working on it.  I really, really am.  I know that being able to forgive for the worst of hurts will free me so considerably, will lighten my burden, since I won't be carrying around all this anger and dislike towards certain people.

I want to be able to walk in love.  I want to be able to say that yes, I love the people that hurt me.  That even though I may not like them, or ever be friends with them again, I do love them and will meet them where they are with that love.  To love all, and hate none is my goal in life, and I know I can only accomplish that with the Holy Spirit working in me and through me.

i was lying in bed tonight, really kind of railing at God for allowing all the bad things that have happened in my life to happen.  but really? they've all made me a stronger person overall and i don't regret them, or the bad decisions i've made along the way.  not really.  i mean, i would have preferred that i didn't make bad choices & that i was Godly all the time, but... i'm not perfect.  and neither is anyone else.  i'm learning this.  i can be a slow learner, but it's starting to penetrate my skull. :)

today in church i had a really good conversation with God.  i have this "bad habit" of sometimes just conversing with Him in my prayer journal instead of listening 100% to the sermon.  it doesn't always happen, but i figure as long as i am getting something out of the time spent at church, it's good.  especially if it's time where i really feel like i'm getting somewhere when i talk with God. (i mean, that would ideally be all the time, but we all know that sometimes - to borrow a phrase from rich mullins [& many others, i'm sure] - that it feels like our prayers are "bouncing off the ceiling" instead of being heard.  i know that they are always being heard but actually feeling that is pretty awesome.) i shared some of what i had thought of and prayed about in church with my husband, later this afternoon, and he was pretty excited.

why do i say all of this?  well, because we've both been praying for healing for me.  i have fibro (well, probably - in any case, a chronic pain + fatigue condition), which has just surfaced this june, as well as bipolar ii (it's mostly depression though, and is much better controlled now than it was when i was first diagnosed when i was 17) and a few other mental illnesses.  they haven't held me back that much - i've graduated from college magna cum laude (i believe it was that, at least - although i wouldn't have, had God not been there by my side the entire time, i am sure) & i've worked and am working now after having a few months between quitting my last job and having this one.  but anyway... healing.  i know God can heal, and i have faith that in time, He will heal me... i don't know when, and i don't know how, but today this just sprang into my head: what if God hasn't healed me yet because He wants me to keep struggling, since that way how it feels to have an eating disorder, or self injury urges, or the drag of depression... all that is fresh in my mind so i can empathize with more people and help them more effectively? i don't know.  that just seemed like... a huge lightbulb over my head.  of course, that may sound stupid, but... just a thought.  after all, God works in mysterious ways and i can totally imagine that being the case here.

i am finding that i can't sleep at night unless i get out things that are bothering me, whether in good ways or bad ways.  some nights i need a "brain dump" when my brain is overactive when i try to sleep... some nights i need to pray before i can fall asleep... and some nights i just need to let myself be and not try and force the sleep to come.  but tonight, i thought that i really should make this blog since... well, i want to chronicle my journey with Christ in the next few months (or years, even, since i don't plan on turning away from Him).  i doubt it'll be updated as much as my other tumblr is, but that's because i doubt i'll have as many deep, God-related things to say as often - or at least, have them worded properly.  but then again, who cares about wording? if i have God-things on my mind, i should post them. :)

tonight's closing thought: the biggest God-thing that's happened in my life is the whole story of how my husband & i got together.  if anything were a set of miracles, it would be that.  and i am so very glad to have him as my very best friend now.  our 3 year anniversary is coming up and part of me can't believe it's been that short, but another part of me can't believe it's been that long.  i've known him since i was 16.  i'm 23 now.  he knew me before i started self injuring (14+ months completely si free, though!!), and to me, pre-self injury years is a looong time ago. ;) anyway.