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you know it's not hard to love her, just open your ears. listen to her words, it's right there. you don't need to be great, you don't need to be amazing. effort, while making it look effortless. you don't have to be someone else, just be yourself. you don't have to be drunk and whispering your poison, she can do without the drama. there is a peaceful way to show madness, there is an adorable way to show admiration. or have you forgotten? consistently inconsistent. that was a jab.
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Love me, love me-- just don't fuck me over.
trust issues
wish that we were more than just three words
The problem with falling in love is that one tends to fall harder than the other. You don’t all in for fun, your feelings are real. She says I just want you to be there. You don’t have to be sober, just be responsive. You don’t have to be smooth, just give me something that’s more than abstract. I need something to hold just in case if feelings fade. I need something concrete, tell me that you want the same thing. Tell me that you want to feel my thoughts bleed next to yours. Tell me that my heart and soul isn’t another string for you to pull. Tell me about everything that’s important. The things that matter. What I have inside and not just how you have seen me. Not my skin. Not the crying. Something fucking real. Tell me about the rawness of my voice when I say I love you. She says enough to build oceans that will drown them both. When you’ve been hurt before… those old scars are just warnings.
Dear Blexa,
You wake up every morning to find yourself alone again. When was the last time you had any real sleep? You are tired half of the time. Coffee is no longer a maybe. Hell, even your tears are caffeinated. Darling, I don’t know how you’re able to function… Once upon a time, you said that my heart was too big. So I give and give. I’m starting to notice something. You are just like me. You give until it hurts. You are more trial than error. Why? Because if it works, it works. If it doesn’t? There’s no need to dwell on it. That’s your philosophy. It’s also your personality. You’re the afterglow of the Northern Lights. You’re the parts of a dream that we always remember to jot down. You’re the warm and fuzzy feeling of a blanket once it’s out of the dryer– it always feels brand new. You won’t sleep tonight. You’ll try, but you won’t. You don’t even sleep on your bed anymore– it’s always the couch. Sleep is an act and you can only hope that those five cups of coffee has finally left the stage. Some nights, you sing alone. Some nights you pray, are they ever answered? Most nights… you are alone. Just you. Your busy phone, but it’s never him– and if it is him, it’s not him. You’re awake again. 1AM. 2AM. 3AM. 4AM. Is there a difference at this point? You know… sometimes you fall for people– but occasionally… they fall for you. And even then… you still need your coffee. To keep up with them. To keep up with yourself… you need to be awake. Maybe that’s why you can’t sleep… you’re so happy that they exist… you forget that you do too. Do me a favor. Sleep. Get some rest tonight. Not for me. Not for him. Not because of anything really… you just need to cool off. How can you be there for everyone if you’re only sleeping 2 hours a day?
p.s.– you are important too!!
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1.13.17
Well, we’re still here. After all of the bullshit mistakes, you’re still in one piece. It has to mean something. We won’t see it all of the time. Our battle– the one in your head, it’s never an easy one. How many tear drops did you name after him? How much scars do you have from becoming more of your own? The pain you feel from others… you wanted to control it. Let’s turn something abstract into something visible. I mean love is a strong word, so you always mean it. You probably cried all day one time– those emotions… the raw element of your heart slowly pushed poetry into just more than thoughts. When sound can’t be heard and no one listens. When you run out of ways to tell someone that you care for them. You learn to try from a new angle. The written word. The poetry composed from broken glass and loose ends. It’s beautiful, isn’t it? The human soul and its need to express. You know… that’s why I try everyday. I’m not on earth to just survive. I’m here to thrive and as long as you’re around… I know I can do this.
Jan 5
and I can’t stand that. they don’t know how to love you. is it hard to be more than just there? talk to her like she’s a normal person. she has a big heart, she does… but if you keep ripping her open to see the emotions kept hidden from planet earth– she will bite back. a soul like hers… there are only so many second chances… do not give her an excuse to tune you out, there’s enough bullshit and clutter to deal with. you wanna know how to keep her smiling?
effort. oh god. EFFORT.
the light kind. she needs you to be there, not quite like coffee… more like– the moment right before she kicks the blanket off or those 10 extra minutes of sleep while simultaneously shutting off those alarms with groggy fingers. she doesn’t need much from you. not the poetry. not the coffee. not the words. hell, maybe some days not even the consistency… she needs you to hear the words she never says. there’s over a hundred different ways that she can say I love you through silence, but you still don’t hear it.
– get your shit together, man.
a reading of wolves and teacups
