#glitterandmagic

“Definitely. Uncle Simon has receipts that give you free food -- hopefully he didn’t tear them up. 

            “ So... Do you wanna know what happens, or? “

      And of course, having in notion how AWKWARD she was feeling at         the moment, her hair was starting to turn into different shades of blue.

continued from HERE with @glitterandmagic

Since moving in with Magnus, Alec still tried to visit the Institute as much as he was physically and mentally able.  The move had been much needed.  With Magnus, they only had each other to worry about.  When the Warlock had magic and potions he needed to do, he kept to the study with the door shut.  In the beginning, Alec generally kept to his room out of habit.  With gentle reminders, he slowly came out more, confidence slowly growing without having dozens of eyes staring and lips whispering. Magnus’ loft felt like home, felt safe and comfortable, and within a month he was moving about the apartment and doing chores and routine on a regular basis.

While he lived with Magnus, he still visited the Institute on a regular basis.  The Clave had been adamant that he see an appointed psychiatrist, and that if he refused, he’d never be a Shadowhunter again.  Alec, at the time the conditions had been made, didn’t really care about being a Shadowhunter again, didn’t , lfeel like he belonged anymore.  What good would somebody so broken do on the battlefield?  Could he really call himself a warrior when he could barely go twenty-four hours without some kind of breakdown?  Jace had been the one to convince him to go, if not to talk, then to gain information on how to deal with the uneasiness, the threats of panic attacks, the nightmares.  Magnus has been supportive of the decision to go as well and went out of his way to clear times in his schedule to take him to the institute twice a week.

The first time he went, Alec had walked out not even five minutes into the session because she brought up drugs.  Jace had to coax him back in for a second try with the help of Magnus, and things had been going smoothly since.  It had only been a little over a month, and he didn’t feel as though anything were helping, but having someone that didn’t know him and that he could lay out his insecurities to without fear of them getting out was nice.  He never delved in very deep, not with the doctor and not with his loved ones.  Sometimes, when he felt as though no one understood where he was coming from, he offered small tidbits – that the torture had been beyond physical, that he’d been used as a guinea pig for potions and experiments.  The details were something he didn’t want to burden his loved ones with (they were better off not knowing) and he just didn’t feel comfortable sharing with the doctor yet.  Ideally, he wanted to forget, even asked if a spell could wipe out his whole memory so he could start over.  

Sessions left him raw, like he’d poured his whole heart and soul out, even though he barely divulged any information at all.  Magnus always waited for him to finish so they could go back home together, but most of the time he just bypassed the Warlock and locked himself into his old room where he could cry without anyone around to judge him like he judged himself. Even then, Magnus always waited. Sometimes he’d be chatting with his siblings somewhere around the institute, others he be waiting down the hall a bit with a box of tissues.  Forever his wall that he felt that he didn’t deserve, always strong for him when he was at his weakest, doing things exactly the way Alec needed them done.

After another grueling session, Alec moved past Magnus per normal, but instead of going to his room, he made a beeline for the greenhouse.  It smelled of a memory he could barely grasp onto, but the thought of it was calming, peaceful.  He practiced breathing exercises that the doctor had taught him, sat in the stillness and silence, adding to it with his own still body and quiet deep breaths.  The urge to cry was there and while a few tears had escaped from behind closed lids, his breakdown had been avoided and for the first time in a long time, it felt as though he accomplished something great.

Alec came back down to the lower level, looking for Magnus, but not finding him.  After running into Isabelle, she explained that the Warlock had left and it hit him in the gut harder than he expected it would.  Magnus always waited for him, and while the Warlock was in no way obligated to stay, he found that he missed the company.  How much did he truly rely on the other?  

Isabelle asked if he wanted company home and Alec rejected it, knowing that the journey home wouldn’t be the same without Magnus and feeling as though he’d rather use the time for silent contemplation anyway.  He confirmed their plans for the next day, so long as emergencies didn’t pop up, and took a cab back to the loft.  Using his spare key, he entered his home, shutting and locking the door behind him.  Silence surrounded him and the room remained still.  Magnus did not come to greet him like he normally did when Alec ventured out on his own.  It made the former archer wonder if maybe the man had had an appointment with a client that he’d forgotten about.

Alec shrugs off his jacket and hangs it over the back of the couch on his way to his room.  As he ventured down the hallway, he heard soft noises that he couldn’t quite make out.  His body stiffened, uncertainty gripping at the anxiety in his stomach. Slowly, he made his way down the hall and peered into the open door, eyes widening at the tear stained cheeks of the Warlock who had been nothing but a rock for him since his return.  The Warlock, which he had learned right before disappearing, had his own set of vulnerabilities, none of which had probably been addressed since his time home.

When the other tried to wave away his grief, Alec knew that he wasn’t fine.  How could he be fine?  Alec knew that Magnus had gone through his own form of torture, his own hell, and it hurt to know that it had been swept under the rug while he himself grieved.  It wasn’t right.

Alec put a finger up to signal his roommate to wait a moment.  He disappeared across the hall to his own room, and reappeared into Magnus’ with a box of tissues.  Like Magnus had done for him many times before, Alec was more than happy to return the courtesy.  Alec crossed the room and dropped the tissue box in Magnus’ lap, then crawled onto the bed with Magnus, getting behind him on his knees, pressing his chest to Magnus’ back as his arms wrapped around the man in an embrace.  Since coming back, Alec had not been too keen on physical contact when he returned.  Anything more than handholding or handshakes were too much for him, unwanted.  Even then, he needed to be the one to initiate most of the time.  He’d initiated this, and he didn’t regret it.  Magnus was warm against his chest, and the gesture felt natural, or as natural as it could get.  But it was Magnus, and touch had always been a big form of communication in the past and he knew that now was the perfect time to do that.