#gkeaton

Something has a hold on me.

I look over my shoulder.

I feel it, although nothings there for me to see.

‘Who’s there?!’ I cry out knowing the answer before the sentence finishes.

Mistakes.

Is it trauma or karma that makes me feel I can’t escape poor decisions.

Calling it karma is me blaming myself for things I didn’t have control of.

I did, but not really.

If I had control I wouldn’t feel this way.

If I had control I wouldn’t have let things get this out of control.

If I had control I would turn back time and stop myself from taking a leap of faith.

Is this why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling now?

Waking from nightmares about one wrong leap afraid of where I will land next, or maybe I won’t land at all and I will just keep falling and falling anticipating an impact that will never come.

Will a nightmare wake me whenever I want to take another leap of faith?

Something has me and I feel it grabbing tighter.

If I had control I wouldn’t feel a thing.

If I had control I wouldn’t let those thoughts into my day dreams or nightmares.

If I had control I wouldn’t let anxiety sit on my chest like a wave of water, crushing me like right before I breach the surface for air.

I’m pushed back down again further than before.

The darkness has me.

I close my eyes again making peace with what I assume is my fate.

I think of all the people that love and support me right now.

The people who will dismiss my feelings and say it’s all in my head.

‘Just breathe’ they’ll say encouraging me it’s oxygen surrounding me not suffocating water.

I stare in my mind wondering if I should believe them or not.

Then I look over their shoulder.

Is that... no. nothings there.

I have to protect them.

Distance maybe? But from what?

If not karma, and I’m still on the fence of trauma but, paranoia is present.

A gift plaguing me that I don’t want.

In my case, a basket I can only describe with a haiku.

Never letting go.

Rigor mortis from the past.

I’ve always been haunted by the idea that I’m wasting my life.

Waiting.

Second guessing moves I’ve just made and wondering about the alternative.

If only we could see both outcomes of a choice before we make it.

Is that what faith is?

Instead of wondering, you believing.

Instead of guessing, you know.

Instead of being afraid, you are confident.

I feel like even in faith you are haunted by whispers of what if.

What if those whispers belong to the other you who chose another path and wish they were in your shoes.

Am I haunting myself?

He laid dormant, comfortable with only the presence of his own thoughts. He was content. Isolation, solitude, and seclusion were his only company. He was at peace until he heard foot steps approaching closer and closer. His senses sharpened, his hair stood up, and his mouth salivated, as he smelled a familiar prey. The once calm stream of tranquility was now a raging typhoon of nostalgia. Frustration. He laid his thoughts to the side comfortably with all rationality. ‘You shouldn’t have come.’ He thought.