#gkarma11

To make it even worse, he’d recently been going for anyone moderately cute, which included the same sex. A few boys had even left him in the dust. That hurt a lot. No girl or guy could like him.

So he’d given up on the idea of love a long time ago. He was already in his early forties. He was too old to go chasing someone like a lovesick puppy. He’d just have to accept that.

But then there was Ray. Ray, whose love of videogames sometimes surpassed his own health. Ray, whose laughter and lame jokes could brighten up the whole room. Ray, who would constantly joke about being a lonely single fuck for the rest of his life.

Oh, how Joel wished he could change that.

There was just something about Ray, that from the moment he waltzed into Roosterteeth a couple years back, had Joel by the throat. Maybe it was his messy brown hair, so dark it was almost black, or his deep brown eyes hidden behind those square-rimmed glasses. Joel didn’t know, but it was visions of that face that would reach his mind and make his heart flutter.

They hung out often, more than enough to be called friends. But it was never something crazy; hanging out after work to play videogames, occasionally going to see a movie with a few others, or rooming together when the company called for them to be out of town.

To Joel, the attraction was so unbelievably stupid that it pissed him off. Ray was just a guy, nothing special. There was no good reason for Joel to be lusting after him like teenage girl.

Yet there he was, imagining how he’d ask Ray out, how he would surprise him with a rose on his desk every day, how Joel would tell Ray he loved him, how he’d never do anything to disappoint the man so that he’d stick around.

They were just thoughts, but he did what he could with them. Joel knew he had it bad. He was undoubtedly and undeniably falling hard for Ray Narvaez, Jr.

There were always problems, like the fact that Ray was 100% straight, or that Joel was too much of a chicken shit to try with the risk of rejection. Or how he knew, even if he managed to actually date Ray, that eventually he would screw up like he always did and the younger man would be gone, just like that.

But one day, he had the opportunity to try.

He’d been staying late at the office, claiming to catch up on work when really he was just fucking around online. It was somehow more private than even his own home, and the internet was incredibly fast when no one else was using it.

Joel usually left around midnight on those nights. It was his job to lock up anyways, and no one was there to tell him otherwise.

When twelve came around, he shut down his computer, grabbed the necessities, and checked the building for any stray lights left on. After locking every door but the main, he passed the Achievement Hunter office to the last door. His eye’s caught sight of a flicker of light in the dark office, but whatever.

Wait.

Joel backtracked a couple of feet, and peered inside. Near the back right corner a TV screen glowed with what appeared to be a title screen to a game. It sat on a desk, next to a computer monitor, a few consoles, and some other undistinguished shadows. It front of the desk was an occupied chair.

Joel almost jumped out of his skin when he heard the soft snore that echoed through the silent room. He entered cautiously. Under the dim light he could barely make out a face framed with glasses and black hair, and a pair of headphones—

His heart skipped twelve beats, realizing who it was.

Ray sat curled up in his seat, head slack and body covered in a gray blanket from the waist down. An abandoned xbox controller sat in his lap, hands still around it like he was about to grasp it. His chest rose and fell with each breath, and a snore escaped from his mouth every once and a while. A small line of drool fell from the corner of his lip.

And Joel never saw anything more beautiful.

He was half-tempted to stand there forever and just watch Ray sleep, but he finally ruled that out as creepy as hell. He considered leaving him, but he had to lock the doors, and Joel couldn’t think of anything worse than to wake up locked in this building all weekend.

So instead, he swallowed his pitiful emotions, took a deep breath, and lightly gave Ray’s shoulder a shake.

 “Ray,” he whispered. Then he mentally began to curse himself. Ray wasn’t going to wake up if he fucking whispered at him.

“Ray,” Joel tried again, voice at a much more normal level. He shook Ray’s shoulder a bit harder.

Ray stirred suddenly, moving his feet onto the floor. His eyes fluttered open.  “Huh?” he croaked, looking dazed.

The controller that had been resting on his lap crashed to the floor, the battery pack flying across the carpet.

Ray sat there for a moment, staring at the controller. Joel moved to get it. “Here—“

“I got it—“ Ray spoke at the same time, leaning forward to reach for the controller. Their heads clunked together with a soft thump.

A small whack of pain went through Joel’s skull and he abruptly pulled back. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“It’s all good,” said a now-wincing Ray, who picked up the controller. The battery pack rested across the room under what Joel could make out as Jack’s desk, and he went to grab it.

As he did, a million thoughts rushed through him. Okay, so he’d woken Ray up. And now they were alone, at the dead of night, in a little office. Where no one could see them.

Joel’s heart began to pound so hard he was afraid Ray could hear it.

Quickly he grabbed the battery pack and stepped two quick paces back to Ray. He handed it back to him, swaying slightly on his feet and having a strange feeling like he was about to throw up.

Ray took off his glasses, rubbing his eyes. “Hey,” he half-yawned.

“Hi,” Joel simply replied back. He felt stupid immediately after. That’s it? ‘Hi’?

“Do you know what time it is?” Ray asked. He stretched his arms back over his head, and Joel tried to ignore the small bit of stomach that peeked out under Ray’s shirt. He gulped.

Joel took a glance at his watch, barely able to read it under the dim light.  “It’s a quarter ‘till midnight,” he finally made out.

Ray’s eyes widened, and he sat up in his chair. “Oh.” He shoved the blanket off of himself and began to shut all of his electronics down. “Shit.”

“What are you doing here so late?” Joel tried to ask nonchalantly, watching as Ray fumbled with everything. It was cute, how clumsy he was with his own things.

“I could ask you the same question,” Ray retorted, gathering his stuff and standing to face Joel.

Joel shrugged. “It’s quiet. I lock up anyways.”  

Ray nodded, shifting slightly on his feet. “I guess I’ll go then. Don’t want to keep you waiting.”

The two silently exited the office, Joel in front and Ray in tow. Joel tried not to be aware how sweaty his palms were, or the fact that he and Ray had been alone together for nearly ten minutes, or the constant swarm of bees that buzzed in the pit of his stomach. He certainly did not think about how he knew Ray couldn’t drive, and that the buses didn’t run this late, and how that meant Ray now had no form of transportation unless Joel took him home.

No, he didn’t even think of this when he locked the doors and turned around, politely asking if Ray wanted a ride home. Ray happily accepted, a look of relief clearly enveloping his face.

They drove in silence to Ray’s house. It was only a ten minute drive, so before Joel knew it he had pulled up to younger man’s small home.

He paused for a moment, finally turning cutting the engine. Joel opened his door. “I’ll walk you in,” he told Ray, half for himself.

If Ray found that odd he didn’t say so. He simply nodded and joined Joel on the path to his front door.

When they reached the front, Ray unlocked his door and turned to face Joel. “Well…goodnight,” he shrugged awkwardly. He stepped into his house and began to close the door.

As Joel watched him, a thousand thoughts ran through his head. This was his chance. The likelihood of him ever having the courage to do this again was never. Was he going to let it slip away, like all those other times?

Joel clenched his jaw. No.

He jammed his foot in between the door and the frame at the last second, keeping it from closing. “Wait.”

Ray paused. He opened the door again cautiously. “Yeah, Joel?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Will you…will you go to dinner with me tomorrow?” The words tumbled out of Joel’s mouth before he could even be nervous about it. His mind raced, slowly panicking.

Ray tilted his head to the side. He stepped outside again, slowly shutting his door again.

If it weren’t for the dim light, Joel could’ve sworn he was blushing.

After a moment, Ray chuckled. “Of course. Like we’ve done before, right?”

Ray didn’t think it was a date. Once again, ahead of his brain, Joel’s mouth moved. “No, actually. Like…” he searched for the right word.

“Like a…date?” Ray finished.

Joel felt his face flare. He nodded slowly. “Yeah. Like a date.”

Ray’s face was hard-to-read. He coughed, running a hand through his hair.

Here it comes, Joel thought. This was the part where Ray rejected him. He was too old, or he wasn’t like that, or he had someone else in mind. The list was endless.

So when Ray smiled, and said in the tiniest voice “yes”, Joel had to ask several times to make sure he had heard right.

“Yes, fucking Christ Joel.” Ray smiled in a slight tease. “I’d love to.”

And just like that, Joel had a date.

…

The first date was not what Joel had in mind.

It was a simple dinner, at a small pizza place less than a block away from Ray’s home. Joel wanted to go somewhere more extravagant, a fancy restaurant with a formal dress code. He even promised to pay. But Ray had insisted, and besides, Joel couldn’t imagine the guy in a suit.

Nothing incredible happened. They simply talked, every other word coming out Ray’s mouth sending Joel into laughter. But when Ray grabbed Joel’s hand under the table, Joel knew something was different.

And when Joel took Ray home later, both with grins on their faces and a reluctance to leave, Joel snuck a kiss on Ray’s cheek.

Silence sunk in the air for a moment, before Ray chuckled. “The fuck kind of kiss is that?”

“What—“ Before Joel could respond, Ray’s lips were on his.

They were nice, soft and slightly chapped, and the hair on Ray’s face rubbed against his own.

They broke apart a second later. Joel exhaled, not realizing he was holding his breath.

“That was nice” was all he could manage to say.

Ray’s face flushed a little. “Yeah.”

“Same time next week?” Joel asked, taking a step back.

Ray’s smile was wide as he responded. “Definitely.”

….

Joel kept his date the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. The weeks turned into months, and eventually he was at Ray’s house every day after work.

They spent those times playing games or watching movies just like they had before. The only difference really was the fact that Ray was always in Joel’s arms, either bragging to him about who he had killed in GTA V, or randomly cursing when he messed up. When he got tired of videogames Joel would sneak in a kiss or two, then three, until most conversation stopped and their hands were on each other, taking in it all. Joel would like to say he loved Ray’s stomach the best. It radiated the most heat from his body, and Joel would ghost his fingers around his belly button, leave light kisses all the way up to his chest. Ray would squirm under his touch; the man was so ridiculously ticklish.

It became pretty obvious to their friends that something was going on. People had begun to talk at the offices about how the two seemed almost inseparable. Burnie questioned Joel about it almost every day. “You mood’s improved lately,” he’d say.

“Yeah,” Joel would respond, corners of his lips turning up.

“Does this have anything to do with Ray, maybe?” Burnie asked, raising his eyebrow.

“Maybe” was all Joel would say.

It turned out that same day during lunch break, Joel decided to stop the secrecy. When Ray came out of the office, ready to go to lunch with Joel, the man ambushed him.

“Joel, what are you—“ He barely got out the first few words before Joel picked him up and pushed him against the wall, lips on him in a mad frenzy.

He heard cat calls and gasps around him as the others took notice, but it didn’t matter. He wanted more than anything to claim Ray as his, and stop pretending that his happiness wasn’t caused by anything. Because Ray did that to him. Joel was truly happier.

“I can’t fucking believe it,” he heard Gus say a few feet away from him. Not too far away Burnie chuckled.

Half of the time Joel couldn’t even believe it himself.

He knew he’d gotten lucky, so lucky with Ray. Ray was patient, and understanding, sometimes so much that Joel would have to double check with him to make sure they were still a thing. Ray didn’t mind if Joel couldn’t make it to date. He never complained to Joel about being too affectionate, or not affectionate enough. For the months that they had been together Joel couldn’t find one thing wrong with Ray.

At the same time, Joel felt like he was walking on needles. It was going so well, a little too well. He knew that eventually he would fuck up, and Ray would leave him. It always happened, so why wouldn’t it this time? He tried so hard to make sure Ray was happy, but at the same time steeled himself up for the rejection that would end their relationship.

The thing was, Joel wasn’t ready for it to end.

…

It had almost been a year when they had their first argument.  

Ray had been distant. He’d stopped talking when he was playing his games. When Joel advanced on him, whether in a loving or sexual way, Ray would withdraw.

Joel was getting worried. He didn’t want this to end, not now. It had been the longest he’d been in a relationship. He was just growing accustomed to the fact that this relationship might actually last.

So what was wrong?

Finally, one night at Joel’s house (for a change of pace, Joel had decided), he mustered up the courage to ask.

“You’ve been quieter lately,” Joel started nonchalantly, as they lounged on the couch. In front of them on the coffee table laid an almost empty box of pizza, some of the remains still surrounding it in paper plates. A movie was paused on the TV (Joel couldn’t remember what it was, Atlantic Edge or something).

“No,” Ray replied, gnawing on a piece of crust. His eyes darted to the left. 

“You can just tell me, you know.” Joel tried, smiling softly. He knew Ray was lying.

“It’s fine, really.” Ray smiled back. His voice was laced with finalism.

Joel really wanted to press further, but he couldn’t bring his mouth to move. He didn’t want to annoy Ray. If the younger man said no, then he would not push him.

“Alright,” Joel finally answered with a nod.

A sudden chuckle came from Ray. He shook his head. “That’s it, I guess.”

“What’s it?” Joel looked at him in confusion. He didn’t like the way Ray had laughed.

Ray put his piece of crust down on a plate, and turned to Joel. He bit his lip, something he always did when he was nervous. “Us, I mean. Everything’s ‘alright’. You always say that. But what if ‘alright’ isn’t enough?” he spoke fast, like he couldn’t get everything out fast enough.

Ray paused, taking a breath. “I don’t want us to be just ‘alright’,” he finally got out. “I need you to be more. Because it sure as hell isn’t working for me anymore.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Joel responded instantly. He truly didn’t. He tried so hard to be everything for him, and now he still wasn’t enough?

“You’re so passive,” Ray began. “You always go with whatever I want. You never take anything a step further. It’s like you’re scared of me, or something.” Ray looked at him, worry filling his expression. “I’m not scary, am I?”

The truth was, Joel was scared. He was scared he’d push Ray too far and they’d break up. He’d always been afraid, like every other relationship.

“You’re not scary,” Joel spoke. “Just tell me…tell me what you want from me,” he almost pleaded.

“I want to move in with you,” Ray blurted out.

Joel’s thought process came to a crashing halt. His heart leapt into his throat. “What?”

“You heard me.” Ray looked up at him, inching closer. His face resembled that of a lost puppy’s.

Joel looked at him in wonder. He leaned forward, cupping Ray’s chin with his hand. When their lips touched, a sudden warmth spread throughout Joel’s body.

“Okay,” Joel whispered into Ray’s ear.

…

The routine of Joel’s life quickly molded around Ray. He spent every waking moment flowering him with affection (but not too much) and making sure he was comfortable (with enough room to breathe, of course). Living together seemed to shift their relationship into something more serious. Their friends now invited them to events as a couple, never one without the other. Their conversations soon turned to more thoughtful matters, like the future. And when Joel imagined the future, he was not surprised to still see Ray standing by his side.

But something was still bothering Ray. He could see it in the slight hesitation when he spoke. He could feel it in his rapid heartbeat, when Joel pulled him close to his chest before they went to sleep. He could hear it in the quake of his voice. It was as if Ray were a live wire in a dark room: unstable and Joel was aware of it, but unsure where and how bad it was. And Joel couldn’t figure out how to stop it.

It was a late Saturday night when Ray finally snapped.

They had joined a few others at a bar, ready to have fun. Ray, of course, skipped the alcohol part, but Joel had himself a few drinks. He wasn’t drunk, but he had reached the point where his thoughts and movements were a little slow.

Ray had disappeared somewhere; Joel wasn’t sure when or how, but the presence of the younger man had left his side.

He was curious to where he went. Of course he was, there’d be something wrong if he wasn’t. But he didn’t want to smother Ray. He trusted the man, and he didn’t want to seem overprotective.

Then he spotted Ray across the room, and his heart sank into his stomach.

Ray leaned against a wall, some soft drink in his hand. Another man loomed over him, clearing advancing on him. He kept touching Ray’s hip. Ray would shift, glaring at the man and shaking his head softly.

Ray’s eyes caught Joel’s, wide in alarm behind his glasses.

Joel should’ve moved instantly. He should’ve stopped the man from touching his partner, even pushed him a little.

But a combination of the alcohol, and the fact that Joel didn’t want to seem like a typical jealous asshole, stopped him dead in his tracks. And he watched, defeated, as Michael came to Ray’s rescue instead of him.

They drove home in silence. Joel knew Ray was pissed at him, and frankly, he couldn’t blame him. Some boyfriend, he was, if he couldn’t even defend his own.

The instant they stepped into the house, Ray went off.

“You didn’t even move,” Ray started.

Joel said nothing. He turned to face Ray, waiting for him to continue.

“Some guy was groping me, and you didn’t even flinch.” Ray’s voice quivered. “Why?”

Joel stared at his feet, accepting the words like embracing a dagger.

Ray stomped his foot. “Why?” he shouted.

“I don’t know!” Joel snapped back.

“I think I know! You don’t give a shit!” Ray screamed. “You’re just here because I’m available! You wouldn’t care if I walked out the door right now! I’m disposable to you!”

“No you’re not—“

“Stop lying!” Ray interrupted. “You don’t care! You never do anything on your own! You always wait for me to suggest it! It’s because you don’t even think about this relationship!”

Joel swallowed, voice overcome by the silence.

Ray shook his head, breaking the silence. “I’m leaving you,” he choked out. 

“Ray—“ Joel started.

“Bye, Joel.” He turned on his heel, opening the front door. He walked through and slammed it behind him.

Joel couldn’t even find the strength to follow.

…

Two weeks. It had been two weeks.

Joel hadn’t left his house. He couldn’t bear the thought of going to work, not with Ray in the same building. He had enough vacation time anyways.

That didn’t stop the metaphorical knife slowly twisting into his heart.

He had fucked up. He had fucked up so bad that Ray now assumed he wasn’t putting enough thought into their relationship, when in truth, it was the exact opposite.

The phone rang constantly. As the messages piled up he finally listened to one, learning that Ray was staying at Jack’s house for the time being, and that he was distraught, and everyone was fucking worried, and Joel what happened?

He shut his phone off after that.

Yeah, he was a loser for moping around, but fuck. Ray hadn’t left his side for over a year. Just when he thought he finally got it right, that all of his heartbreaks would be worth it in the end, he let his stupid thought process get in the way.

It was then he realized he loved Ray. Loved him so much that it was literally killing him that he was gone. He’d say that in a heartbeat now, if only Ray were there to listen to it.

He had been expected a knock to his door by now. Two weeks was a long time, and since he communicated with no one but the first email to Burnie telling him he was taking some time off, he could’ve been dead for all they knew.

So he wasn’t too surprised when he heard the sharp racket of knuckles on the front porch.

He got up from his half-sitting-half-laying position on the couch, and shuffled over to the door.

With only a slight hesitation, he unlocked and opened the door. It was probably Jack or Burnie, coming over to tell him to man the fuck up. He wouldn’t blame them.

But when he saw who it was all of his thoughts came to a screeching halt.

He wanted to shut the door, maybe run across the house and leap out of his window. Anything to stop what might happen next.

But instead, he took a breath and nearly whispered, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Ray responded.

There was an awkward moment as the two stood there, taking in the other person. Finally Ray, shifted and cleared his throat. “I’m…I’m just here to pick up some things.”

Joel’s mood dropped as he realized this wasn’t some reunion. He shrugged, stepping aside to let Ray in. “Okay.”

He watched solemnly from the kitchen as Ray bustled around their house, grabbing a backpack and filling it with several sets of clothes. To Joel, it seemed he was taking quite a while with everything, and almost on purpose. Not that he minded.

When Ray was finished, he swung the backpack over his shoulder. He paused, nodding at Joel. “Bye,” he said, biting his lip.

Ray took hesitant steps to the door, glancing at Joel one final time before reaching his destination. He opened the door with a creak.

Just like that, he was gone.

And that’s when Joel wondered what the hell he was doing.

He was about let Ray go. His everything, his future even. Nothing had ever changed him in good way like he did.

 The last time he did something courageous, he had snatched Ray up. And now, if he didn’t man up now, he would lose him.

Fuck that.

His feet couldn’t move fast enough as he barged out of his front door, nearly toppling Ray over on the steps. “Ray!” he shouted.

“What?” Ray asked, startled, but had no other time to react as Joel grabbed his head and locked their lips together like they had so many times before.

Joel could never forget what it felt like, two very different pairs of lips merging together, the sharp scratches of stubble on stubble.  He fucking loved this man, every last bit.

When he pulled back, his mouth began to move.  “I am so sorry. I’ve never taken risks in relationships before. I’m so afraid I’ll fuck it up. And now I realize that while I was trying so hard to be perfect I lost you in the process.” He placed his hands on Ray’s shoulders, staring down at the other man.  “Please. Please don’t leave me.”

The entire time Ray had not done anything, simply watched with a sort of expression of awe. Then he smiled, blushing softly.

This time when they kissed it was Ray who initiated it, pulling Joel down to him by the collar of his shirt. Their bodies pressed against each other, missing the contact after two weeks of nothing.

“I never could,” Ray muttered between kisses.

Joel laughed, his body tingling with joy. “Please come back,” he said.