#ghostofpast

In my every thought

In my soul

I see your handprint where I touch

And hear your voice when I speak

You’re resonated

in my smile

and your eyes

stare at me

in my reflection

You haunt me because

I left you for dead

at a time when you needed me

And I have no regrets

Except not checking up

to make sure you

were really gone.

Now you’re back with

vengeance

icy-cold

I feel you inside me

I see the goosebumps on my flesh

As you whisper no goodbyes

in my ear

and pull me back when i try to leave

Ghosting.  Yes, been a victim of it. As Damon Salvatore would have said “Been there, done that, wrote a country song about it.”

Question is what follows?

For all of you who do not know what ghosting is, Praise God! I pray you never know. But for definition sake Ghosting is when someone disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text. The Act of vanishing in the thin air.  Sounds familiar?

One of the reports says about 50% of men and women experience Ghosting at least once in their lifetime, thanks to the flawed relationship edifice we have built. Now to be honest I never wanted to admit or write about it at all. But then, that is not who I am and I refuse to be reduced by someone else’s inability to bid farewell.

So why do people Ghost? And how do people who are left behind cope? Let’s look at it from both perspectives:

1.       The one who Ghosts: Ghoster

To begin with I had no understanding or empathy for people who take the back door and leave without an explanation. But when the aftershocks of pain and sadness settled, I could sit and try to comprehend why would some people just ghost?

-          Possibility is that the person himself/herself is in a great emotional discomfort or distress and lacks the ability to deal with the situation and decides to rather disappear simply because it’s easy.

-          Or the person is just - in your face- inconsiderate and insensitive to care what happens to the other person thereafter.

-          Or the person has been a silent victim of misunderstanding where he or she has tried to express their genuine feelings but those feeling and emotions were only overlooked and unaddressed leaving the person with no other way out but to Ghost.

-          May be the person was actually a ghost. :p

Okay the last option was written only to make it sound a little light, because I know it’s anything but light. Moving onto next view point:

2.       The one who is Ghosted

Phew! That feeling of being Disrespected. Disposed. Dispensed. Shut Out. Its ugly. I don’t even know how to tell you that it’s not your fault, that it is going to be alright. Truth is I thought it’s all my fault. May be it’s something I said or I did, or I imposed. Should I be worried? What if he/she is hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere?  Should I be upset? Maybe he/she is just a little busy and will be calling me at any moment. I didn’t know how to react because I didn’t really know what has happened. I was in denial. I was waiting for a revert, a part of me still does. Only when I realized what has happened, I felt like I asked for it, I deserved it. It’s cruel realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth breaking up with, worth saying a good bye.

But let me tell you anyway, it’s not your fault that the person you held so high in your mind let you fall so low in theirs. Yes. It might be your fault that you somehow (in some cases) led them to a point where they didn’t want to be with you anymore. But not your fault that they didn’t bid you a farewell. Everyone deserves a closure, a healthy, humane farewell. Everyone.

So, Love, you might feel like an idiot to be abandoned that way. Thinking that It renders you powerless leaving you with no opportunity to seek answers that would help you emotionally process the experience. But hold on. That illusion of having someone by your side has ended. It’s good to be on your own rather than being with anyone who would not look out for you.

How to move on?

I can’t say about the Ghosters. Because if I imagine myself to be one, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night let alone moving on. Just one simple request. Please find a way to may be leave a note or an email or a text saying your last say. It helps. It helps you too.

But for the ones who have been ghosted and left behind I will share with you what I did. I prayed and brought this experience before God. I asked him to heal it. Having been able to write this is sign that he has healed it.

I created a ritual and participated in it. The Ritual of Peace Making. (Eat, Pray, Love taught us that we can do this) One fine day when I thought my heart was about to burst and my gut was crumbling inside me because of desertion I could not take. I climbed up to the roof top, the sun was setting, sky was orange and I was weeping unsure of what to do to break out of this cage. Face down. That’s when it came to me. I Imagined that person to be there sitting next to me (because that person sat there next to me once, it was a beautiful moment) I imagined it so we could talk. And we did. This is how it went:

Me: Hello Colored Being!

Ghost: Hello Happy Face!

Me: I missed you and I know this is probably the last time I would talk to you and the last time I would call out your name.

Ghost: I know.

Me: The thing is I don’t know why out of all the people, you would do this to me. I have been hurt by many people in different ways, but you hit me in my soul and I have hated you many times in my mind before this moment.

Ghost: I know.

Me: But today, I don’t want us to be two toxic people who can’t even have a conversation. I want us to be two people, who understand each other, can you do that?

Ghost: I am here.

Me: I understand that we can’t be in touch anymore and I am letting you go. Also, I forgive you. Now go. I have made peace with your parting.

Ghost: Thank you. You have known me more than anyone else. It would sound very selfish but I expected you to understand. Somehow, I just knew, you would understand.

Me: Took me time, but see I did, didn’t I?

Ghost: You sure did Ams.

Me: I do want to ask for your forgiveness. If any part of my personality and our time together caused you distress and pain… I would want to accept my part in the heartbreak and I am truly sorry. I know you, you are a beautiful person. This is not how you would have acted under normal circumstances. But isn’t true friendships tested in difficult circumstance? We failed each other and we can’t be together. I hope you understand that.

Ghost: I do. We are good Ams. Don’t worry. And thank you for understanding this crazy person as always.

Me: Trust me it was never easy, but you deserved it. You had my purest intentions for as long as they lasted. So now we don’t owe each other anything. You are free and So am I… in this world and next.

Ghost: But I owe you one last thing. A good bye.

Me: Say it then.

Ghost: Good bye my partner. If you still remember us then you know what you meant to me. And I know what I meant to you. I want us to remember each other like that. Good bye Ams! I don’t miss people, so you won’t be missed but you will be cherished. Bye now.  To <3 and beyond!

Me: Good bye partner! To <3 and beyond!

A burden was uplifted after I performed this ritual on my rooftop as the sun sank under the horizon. It worked because in some parallel universe both of us could stand like two dignified pure souls who were spared from the hurt we caused each other in this world and we could look into each other’s eyes without shame and said what we had to say. You are free to create your rituals and set yourself free. But don’t let Ghosting keep you from looking forward. Life is beautiful, look!

In the end I will just say there are two versions of kindness. (I read somewhere, these words are not written by me)

1.       God’s version of kindness:

I know you are hurt. I contributed to that. Maybe, I should have said more. Done more. Listened. I am sorry for my part in the situation. I am sorry if I caused you any pain or confused you with my actions or words. How can I help you move on? I want you to have peace in your life. Let's end this by communicating.

2.       The world's perverted version of kindness:

You caused your own pain. You get what you get. Get over it and move on. Maybe, one day you will figure out what happiness really means. By the way, I am not responsible for giving it to you. Nor, do I have to put up with people that don't bring me joy or who I can't trust. I am only responsible for myself. I will pray for you because I am a good person.