and like, i just a few days ago found out that he used to have a crush on me when we were friends when he was alive.

me, who used to wear sweatpants and hoodies and who used to get bullied by my classmates and who used to get scoldings from teachers for talking in class.

and he was a class clown btw and he was the fuckin popular guy. he was older than us by like three or four years because this used to be the norm in this country yk problematic kids etcetera.

and thr popular girl from my class (thr one who used to bully me horribly [ i later found out that she was jealous of me???] ) was like in love with him and she was trying to flirt with him and he used to get really uncomfortable with her and always tried to reject her nicely.

and like try to get in my shoes. i was in her pack because there were only four girls in my class (counting me too) and she was the "prettiest" one and she was older than us by a year or so and she was a fuckin bitch i swear but at that time i was autistic so i thought she was my friend.

and one time a guy in my class made a post on facebook something like "give me a like and ill tell you how pretty you are out of ten" and i and her both liked the post and he gave us both 5/10 and i was shocked because i expected a two and she was jealous and mocked me for months after this saying stuff like "this motherfucker compared me to her?" especially since he was also a nice looking guy (he used to get so much on my nerves used to bother me a lot and prank me and shit i hated him)

yeah no i think i skipped my original point a bit here but like the thing is she was flirting with him nonstop and he didnt like her at all. but me and him. we were...we werent close at all actually we didnt hangout much but whenever we did we had this exact same humour and we laughed at the same jokes and we always had stuff to talk about. and he actually told me he didnt like her at all when he was still alive

i had no idea why he appeared to me in my dream the day he died

i just dreamt of going to my class and he was there and he stopped me and asked "hey long time no see how are you" and we talked a bit but i had to go to class so i said bye and i just thought wow how cool he recognized me. and i didnt find out he died until two years later. from a friend because i texted her asking why his facebook profile is grey and she told me he committed suicide a few days before his 18th birthday...and i connected the dots and i realized this was the day i dreamed of him.

and i left it at that.

and i only really started to hang out with him again when i became like a full time witch.

the first time i got a dream of him again i visited him on cemetery. i left a lavender plant on his grave and i talked to him using a pendulum. i told him that im a witch, i told him about all that stuff that was happening with me since he died, just everything. and i told him if he wants he can come hangout at my house and so the next time i met him he appeared in my house and i knew it because ive seen a multum of online posts with his name in them. i showed him so many stray kids music videos. it was at the time where i wasnt clairvoyant yet so it was weird kinda but cool.

he started appearing sometimes after i became clairvoyant and we were hanging out more, i visited his grave a lot after every dream of him.

then one time my dream was different. i was at his house and in this dream we were in primary school and we were a couple. and i was meeting his grandparents. i was drinking coffee made by his grandpa and then we were laying in his room on his bed and talking. and when i woke up i was like "well that's a weird dream to have about your bestfriend" and after some time he appeared and confessed that he wants to date me.

which i found unsettling. I'm gonna be completely honest. i was not comfprtable with it at all. i was cautious. its different to spouse gods and different to get into a relationship with a literal dead person that used to have a fiancee before he killed himself. i had so many talks with him

like is it because only i can see you? is it because im your only option? is it because of this? is it because of that? and he answered everything very carefully and i even asked my friend who is also clairvoyant to confirm that it is really him. and well it was him.

Belial loves this guy. and that says a lot because Belial hates everyone. he calls him "your little boyfriend" or "little guy". the guy himself looks just like i remember him. he says hes at least a head taller than me but i see him as my size probably because i only really remember him from primary school.

its been a few years since he died rn.

i recently found out that he used to have a crush on me in primary school. because he liked my humour. i was funny. the class clown liked me because i was funny and i spoke his language. we were both undiagnosed adhd kids just coping home trauma with humour. i think he knew that. i think he could feel the "bond".

i used to feel guilty that i could feel that he really had no friends and that thr others only saw his surface. i used to think like would he still be alive if i possibly just stopped him one time and said "hey btw...if theres like anything that is worrying you, or if you just want to talk, uh, im here". would he laugh at me? would he tell his fake friends and they would spread rumors that im in love with him? would he act like the child that he was? why do i as a grown up woman think that i could react as a grownup when i was a child? i used to think about it a lot.

but you know what he said?

"im happier right now. i wouldn't be happy being still alive. being alive has so much costs. acting proper, money issues, abusive home, fighting with your spouse, so much negativity. I'm not bound by that now. I'm truly happy"

and ive made peace with myself. and he made peace too. and now I'm...his girlfriend.