#ghost!namjoon

Observing him for so many days has made you kind of used to him and you won't admit it to yourself but you liked to see him.

So one fine day, after your study session was over you walked out of the library before your friends and saw him standing at his usual spot in the middle of the front yard of the library, staring at the front gate impassively.

An impulse took over you and you walked straight towards him determined to talk to him today.

There wasn't a single movement of his face muscles until you stopped right in front of him. For the first time, you noticed his eyes grow a little bigger and scrunch in surprise but that only lasted a couple seconds.

You stood there in front of him and looked up and thought, "damn, he is tall."

You felt a strange exhilaration inside you as if you were asking out your crush seeing him up so close and you said excitedly without keeping in check what you were saying actually, "Hey! How's the weather up there?"

His forehead scrunched in confusion and he stammered, "Cooler than down there I guess."

Before you could realise your stupid question he seemed to have realise something and he staggered backwards while asking, "You can see me?"

"Of course, I can! What? Are you a ghost or something?" You snickered.

Before you could get an answer from him your friends jumped you from behind. You let out a shriek gaining a good amount of laughter from them.

"What were you doing here standing all alone looking up? The moon is over there!" One of your friends asked after they had finished making fun of you.

"What? I was just talking to him." You turned around to point at him but he was no longer there.

"Him? Who? Who?" Your friends asked curiously.

"Just someone..." Your voice trailed off as your eyes wandered around to find him but couldn't.

Next day you saw him again. This time he wasn't standing like a statue in the middle of the yard but he was in front of one of the lonely one of the innumerable aisles of books in the library scanning through all the shelves but not touching any.

You snuck up behind him to give him a little scare which worked too well and you were left laughing like a maniac when he fell on his butt.

A strict warning from the librarian and your laugh was gone in an instant which made him smile this time while he got up.

It'd be an understatement if you said his smile was beautiful. It made you speechless. And you stood there staring at him agape until he stood up and started walking away towards one of the other aisles.

You were quick to catch up to him and while standing beside him you whispered, "So... Ghosts get scared too," and let out a pressed chuckle.

"I was just surprised. Not scared." He cleared his throat.

"That was a mighty reaction I would say." You smirked.

"Whatever. Stop following me." He rolled his eyes and craned his neck to one of the top shelves.

"I would but it's not everyday that I see ghosts. So... what binds you here?" You asked cautiously sparing a quick glance at him.

"Aren't you scared of me?" He asked.

You shook your head pretty hard, "Why would I be? You seem harmless," and beautiful.

"Will you help me if I tell you what binds me here?" He asked slowly, cautiously and with dim eyes looking down at the organised books before him. His hands hovered over the books but when he touched them his fingers went through them.

At that moment, seeing his eyes that held back those non-substantial tears you thought to yourself that you would give him everything to not see that expression ever again.

"Y/n."

"Hm?"

"My name... It's y/n. What's yours?"

"My name... What was it again?" He looked genuinely lost for a moment before replying, "Ah! Yes! It's Namjoon."

He smiled sheepishly and extended his hand to which you reciprocated the gesture, forgetting for a moment that he was just an apparition, unaffected by your physical body.

Your hand passed right through his and you felt a tingly cold sensation and you whispered, mesmerised, "Cool."

Namjoon gave you light smile that faded quickly and he said, "It's time for you to go home."

"What? Shit! It's over already? I haven't written anything for the project yet!" You panicked and said, "let's meet tomorrow, okay?," before hurriedly walking away.

The next day you found Namjoon at the edge of the east wall of the library boundary. You never saw him there before.

You ran over to him and greeted him enthusiastically. You wanted to ask for the reason but it'd give away that you have been watching him for a long time.

But your curiosity were answered shortly as he said, "I have a place I want to take you to! There we can talk in peace!"

"Okay..." you scrunched your eyebrows and smiled confusedly but giving in right away.

You followed him through an opening or rather a big crack in the east wall and after walking a few feet you came to a field of tall grasses.

He signalled you to follow him and disappeared into the grasses.

You pushed your way through the grasses straight ahead until you reached a small clearing where you found Namjoon sitting.

You sat beside him and he said, "Isn't this a nice place? You don't have to whisper anymore!"

"Mhm!" You agreed and looked around excitedly while sitting down.

Sitting down you asked right away, "So, now tell me what is binding you here."

His eyes were lost somewhere ahead of himself as he answered, "A book."

"A book?"

"Yes. I have to find that book. I feel like there's something important there."

"You feel like? You don't know?"

"Yeah. I am forgetting things... I have been here for so long I feel like as time is passing it's taking away a bit of myself with it. And if I don't find it sooner I'll be lost forever." His voice sounded distant.

"Do you remember how you.. um... died?"

"No, not really. I just remember a car accident of sort."

"Do... you remember the name of the book?" You asked, hoping he remembered.

And he did, so he answered, "Yes! I do! It's the `79 edition of Forever by Judy Blume! It was the last signed copy of the book donated to the library herself! I was there when she came by!"

"`79... 1979..." your voice sounded lost in thought and then you jolted when you realised it, "you were alive back then?"

"Eh?" Namjoon was confused at your shocked expression, "what year is it?"

"It's fucking 2022, old man!" You shouted.

Namjoon broke down into a laughter and said, "It's been that long? No wonder I hear my bones creak sometimes."

You let out a heavy sigh and laid down on the soft small grass.

Namjoon laid down beside you and you both stared at the evening sky for God knows how long.

Seconds turned into minutes and minutes turned into lost minds. You finally sat up with a huff and said, "I think it's time. I am going. I'll start searching from tomorrow."

"You will?"

"Yes... There must be a reason why only I can see you and why I can only see you." You answered before starting to walk.

The walk out the grasses was short and when you reached the crack of the east wall Namjoon softly said, "thank you," before disappearing.

It's been a couple of months and you have searched all the aisles of the library, in vain. There wasn't a trace of that book.

Namjoon couldn't help you with finding the book but what did help was his presence. You somehow felt lighter around him. All your worries seemed to be pushed backwards whenever you were with him and you laughed more than anytime else. He was there and it was enough for you.

The day when the last shelf was done you decided to request the librarian to get you the information through the records in the library computer.

To be truly honest with yourself, you had actually thought of doing it the very first day but you were selfish. You refused to let go of the attachment you had grown with him in that short time. You wanted to know him more. And the greed of having more memories with him festered inside you.

You had thought he'd disappear as soon as the book gets discovered. You reasoned with yourself that a little more time wasn't much of a big deal.

But why today? Why did you feel that you've done something wrong? Was it his disappointed and sad eyes after you have finished searching everywhere? Probably. No, most definitely. You hated seeing that expression.

After an hour long request and another two hours of searching you finally found the book.

You rushed through the archived section and brought it out to Namjoon with the gentleness of caring a baby.

You couldn't see him anywhere in the library premises so you knew that he'd be in the clearing.

When you reached there, the sun was preparing to set. He was sitting on the grass staring at it and he glowed in the sunlight as it passed through his body.

"Guess what?" You squealed, at least tried to, to make yourself look happy.

Namjoon looked at you expectantly and he screamed, "no freaking way," when you brought the book out of the bag.

"I wish I could kiss you right now!" Namjoon exclaimed happily as he swayed and waited for you to flip through the pages with the excitement that of a child.

He couldn't realise the effect of his words on you as it pierced through your heart and you whispered, blinking away your tears, "me too."

You began flipping through the almost brownish pages slowly and abruptly and almost instantly you opened the two pages which had something in between them.

There was a vintage polaroid photograph with a heart drawn around Namjoon and a girl around his age in it. And there was small letter folded in half.

You looked at Namjoon and you had never seen him like that. He was becoming more opaque by the second and you could see he was clenching his jaw, trying not to cry.

You reached out your hand to take the letter but you felt it. You felt his hand upon yours. You felt his cold hand upon yours. You could feel him. You could touch him. You wanted to hug him right then and there and kiss him and tell him that you loved him, you loved him so freaking much but...

But his eyes were glued to the letter. The letter consumed his whole attention.

And you let go of his hand that was touching you as you handed him the letter. You kept the book gently on the ground and waited for him to read it.

You stole glances at him as he read through it and wondered if it was from his lover and the more you thought about it the more you felt like someone was squeezing your heart with all their might inside your chest.

But despite your blurry vision you noticed Namjoon's skin glow with small star like lights racing inside him like a network and he became more transparent by the minute. His eyes glowed a white as white light melted from his eyes. You panicked and held his hand.

Your mind charged through a series of bright lights as soon as you touched him and you found yourself standing in the clearing except it was much more greener and bushier and you saw a bunch of young people sitting here and there chatting and laughing.

You recognised Namjoon being one of them and you saw him wearing a different outfit. You smiled to yourself and whispered, "handsome."

You noticed him stealing shy glances at someone and your eyes followed his and you found a girl, who felt oddly familiar to you, laughing with her friends.

As if you were zoomed out of the scene, you found yourself in the library the next moment and you saw the girl taking the book from Namjoon and putting something in there just before keeping it in the shelf and she smiled at Namjoon shyly while doing so.

You recognised the dress that Namjoon was wearing. It's the same one that he wears everyday. That meant that was the day he was going to... die.

Namjoon went to take the book but was pulled out by his friends because apparently there was some big game going on that day.

You zoomed out again and now you were in what you guessed was Namjoon's room. He was writing a letter. He hadn't changed his outfit yet.

"You have a beautiful handwriting too." You whispered.

After finishing writing the letter he folded it neatly and brought out a pile of letters and putting it on the top of the stack he tied it and put it back in the drawer.

Next moment you saw him lying in his bed tossing and turning. He couldn't keep calm so he put on the blazer and got out of his house on his bicycle.

This time when you zoomed out you found yourself riding the bicycle and it had started to rain. You screamed in your brain to stop but at the same time you wanted to know what A-yeong had kept in that book.

Wait, A-yeong?

You couldn't think further as a deafening honk hammered your ears and you saw a bright light and felt a terrible pain in your chest in the next moment.

You felt yourself dying there.

With a sudden pull you were out of there and you were in front of Namjoon again, in your world, still holding his hand.

Namjoon was fading and glowing even more. You held onto him tightly.

"No please. Please don't leave me. Please. I can't let you go. Please." You pleaded with tear laden eyes.

Namjoon smiled softly and the white tear danced in the corner of his eyes and he softly wiped away the tears from your eyes.

You didn't want him to touch you if the cost of it was losing him. You shook away his hand and he smiled sadly, "I am sorry. But I have to go. None of it should have happened. I am sorry that it did."

He held your hand again and leaned closer. You closed your eyes and you felt his soft cold lips on yours.

Was this the heart break that people talked about? This unbearable pain inside you that you felt like your heart would give up anytime?

You didn't want anyone to answer it. Because you knew now. You knew that his kiss was heartbreaking. And you were ready to get your heart broken again if it meant you could kiss him again.

You didn't know how much time passed or if it stopped still in his kiss but it seemed to fall apart when he broke the kiss.

Namjoon handed over the letter to you and looked into your eyes, still holding your hand, "Thank you for making me feel I was alive again."

You broke down on the ground and your body shook violently trying to keep up with the pain that was leaving your body in shape of sobs and whimpers. The little glowing lights still floated surrounding you that were left behind as Namjoon dissipated in the air just like the death of a star.

You stayed there until late night looking at the stars and the moon and wondered if Namjoon was a part of them now.

You slowly got up and when you reached the library to return the book to the late-working librarian she glanced at your disheveled self once and went back to keep the book back in its place.

Your eyes wandered for a moment on the empty aisles of the dimly lit library and they felt lonely and void.

You came out of the libray and stared at the particular place in the front yard where Namjoon used to stand. The place never felt so sad before.

Suppressing your tears you slowly walked under the street light and opened the letter. It was a confession - a beautifully written love confession to Namjoon signed by A-yeong Lim.

"Wait, what?" You hurriedly put the picture under light and closely inspected the face.

How could you not recognise her? Your own aunt!

You could now put every pieces together - why she felt so familiar, why she didn't marry and refused to do so ever... And why you were able to see him.

You smiled bitterly at universe's plan and probably cursed it even. But you knew what you had to do now.

Keeping the bitterness and tears at bay you put the letter and the photo inside your bag and made your way towards Namjoon Kim's house to retrieve the pages he left behind.

~~~~~☠︎☠︎☠︎~~~~~

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