#gettingoldnow

The last time I checked, I was just a 7-year old kid wondering how it feels like to climb up the stage with honors. I can still remember how frustrated I was having the 4th rank in the class. That was my very first time of being an “almost”. “It should have been me” - I ranted a lot of times but even if I have cried a river that day, nothing would have changed yet. 

Life was so simple back then. I’ll get to sit on one of the chairs always next to mom or dad on the dining table and fall silent the whole time. When someone initiates the “speaking in english” time, it will be my automatic reflex to shut the hell up and just listen to every word they say. And they’d all be laughing because I can’t express myself in english. That was me years ago - well ages ago.

I still haven’t figured out my life yet by the moment. But this night made me feel a little older - or maybe it’s just the sudden phenomenon that comes to girls which is uncontrollable by any sense. It wasn’t actually fast. I saw it coming. And I am being saddened by time and I won’t wait for you to ask me why. Well, I felt the first cold Christmas when I was on the 3rd year and that time, I thought to myself, would it always be like this starting from now? I finally got the answer when I was on the 2nd year of College. I have experienced consecutive years of “fast” Christmas - what I mean by fast is that, it just lasts for how many hours and by the morning, we’ll be back to the normal routine. Everything has changed. Before we spend hours of preparing for noche buena and all those but now, we just leave the cooking to dad. 

Before, I always thought that I am one, lucky girl for I am the youngest - besides, I thought I’ll get a lot of support from my siblings. I always thought I’ll get all of mom and dad’s time and attention when my siblings started to graduate from their respective colleges. But, everything never happens according to what you thought they’d turn out to be. I feel sad. I feel alone. Sometimes I feel glad that mom and dad did me a favor by letting me discover things alone but it also has its bad effect on me.Most of the time, when people try to offer help, I decline each of them for I have an ego to protect. I feel like I can already work on a thing on my own and I don’t need help. Yeah, screw it. 

By now, I am starting to lose interest on things that I used to die hard for before. I just want a simple life. I think I’m starting to turn to one of those adults who regret some parts of their life for they just let them pass by like a bullet. Maybe they were right that the best way to enjoy life is to live every minute - every second of it. Maybe if I focus a little more this time, I would not be an “almost”...a “could have been”; maybe I’d finally become “the perfect fit”.