#germ fear

also this is like the 20th+ time i have washed my hands today

probably more.  I’ve been washing my hands a LOT lately like.. not willy nilly, but just if i brush up against stuff or touch the wrong thing. 

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but that’s only part of it... I have a fear of germs,  It all started back last year when my mom was sick with a stomach bug that was “going around” apparently, a lot of people at her work got sick with it and then one fateful afternoon, she came home feeling awful.

She was really sick, for a while, couldn’t even keep down water.. but I remember that I had looked up the bug that had been going around in question, but through the ravages of time I’ve forgotten what it was called.

Anyway, I was absolutely terrified of becoming sick or coming into contact with germs from her that would make me sick, she was mostly quarantined to her bedroom but I had read that the germs live in “bodily fluids” during the sickness,  I had to stand by the door every time I went to talk to my mom, I gave her a pillow to make her feel more comfortable and I haven’t touched that pillow since.

I became dreadful of touching her doorknob, I stopped wearing the hooded sweater I was wearing because I was scared it was invested with germs.. I actually remember one time I decided to clean a shirt or something with a ton of hand sanitiser because I accidentally touched my mom’s doorknob

Anyway, lets fast forward.  My mom got better but the germ fear stayed with me for a really long time,  hand washing, fear of getting sick, washing surfaces, obsessive thoughts of germ laden surfaces...

I still am fearful of germs, but it’s changed a lot since last year, I only wash my hands a whole lot during really stressful times, I don’t bother washing surfaces anymore, I can almost eat with my hands (I always avoided eating anything with my hands because my hands touch the keyboard, phones, PC mice.. And if i was planning on eating anything that I had to eat with my hands, I had to disinfect EVERYTHING with hand sanitiser before even beginning to eat, which took about 30 minutes) But one thing I’m still fearful of.. is chicken.

Not.. eating chicken, well yeah if it’s the kind from the store in those bags, I probably am unlikely to eat it.. but I eat chicken from DQ, from pizza places..  Anyway, it’s raw meat.. it’s gross, it’s disgusting, it’s germ infested and it doesn’t help that my mother and brother do not know how to properly handle meat.. They leave it sit on the counters to thaw, they’ve washed it before, they don’t properly wash their hands or surfaces they’ve touched. It’s just a mess and it leads me to being anxious forever about every damn surface in the house, and the stress of that makes me full on hand wash until my hands are dry and cracked, and I mean they already are but thats because it’s winter and it’s fucking cold.

And guess what’s for dinner?  Yep, chicken..  Raw... germ infested poultry... Sitting in there just waiting to infect every single surface of my house.. I promised my mom I’d make it tonight, I kept telling her I’d make it, but I don’t think I can touch it, not even with gloves on, I don’t think I can put myself through that.. and if I leave it to my brother.. He doesn’t know how to properly handle chicken and it will drive me insane.

So what do I do? No matter what I do.. if I prepare it.. I’ll be terrified that I was too close and got germ infested, if Andrew does it.. I know he’s going to spread germs all over the entire house and I’ll be afraid of touching anything for days...

I have no choice.. I can’t cook the chicken, but it’s the ONLY thing we have for dinner..   Literally, it’s the only thing in there..