#gentlequeer

Day 1: Do you use any other terms to define or explain your gender?

Day 2: How did you grow up with your gender?

Day 3: What’s your favourite way of upsetting gender roles / genderbending / genderfucking?

Day 4: Name some queer heroes, influences, or crushes.

Day 5: Dysphoria and how you manage it.

Day 6: When did you realize you were genderqueer?

Day 7: What are your favourite physical features about yourself?

Day 8: An unpopular or unsure opinion about the GSM community.

Day 9: What have you done or do you plan to do to socially transition? (Pronouns, name, coming out, etc.)

Day 10: Are you taking any steps to physically transition?

Day 11: Your first experience with a GSM organization or event.

Day 12: Discuss your relationship with the term "transgender."

Day 13: How has your family taken your coming out/how might they take it?

Day 14: Are you part of the Gender and Sexual Minority community?

Day 15: How do you deal with gendered things? (clothes shopping, bathrooms, forms, etc.)

Day 16: Name some media you connect with queerly.

Day 17: How do you, or would you, deal with being misgendered?

Day 18: How does your gender factor into your future plans?

Day 19: What terms in the cisgender, GSM, or trans* community are problematic?

Day 20: Have you faced any problems or gone through any changes regarding religion?

Day 21: How has your relationship with yourself been affected since you realized you were Genderqueer?

Day 22: What are your sexual and romantic orientations? Are they affected by your gender?

Day 23: Do you feel comfortable answering questions about your gender to friends? Acquaintances? Strangers?

Day 24: How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed?

Day 25: Your first queer crush or relationship.

Day 26: Discuss how your clothes do or don't reflect your gender.

Day 27: Write a poem about being genderqueer.

Day 28: Some positive genderqueer experiences.

Day 29: Who are some people in your life, on or offline, who make your life better? Your relationship doesn’t have to be related to queerness.

Day 30: What does genderqueer mean to you?

What does genderqueer mean to you?

Genderqueer means that almost anywhere I go, someone is bound to use the wrong pronouns or other gendered words in reference to me. It means that I nearly always have the opportunity to educate someone about nonbinary gender and queerness and privilege. (It does not mean that I always have the energy.)

Genderqueer means only using the bathroom at work when I think I can get in and out without running into anyone else, because neither available option is right. It means rejoicing upon the discovery of any gender neutral and/or single stall restroom facilities. It means that the availability of such facilities plays into how likely I am to repeatedly visit restaurants, coffee shops, or other public venues.

Genderqueer means that I am introspective and self-aware to a degree that not everyone achieves. I know myself better than anyone. And it means that, for the first time since puberty (or possibly before), I experience some degree of comfort living in my own skin.

Genderqueer means that, for me, all gender is performance to some degree. Gender is something that I play at, like a giant, everyday game of dress-up. I put binary gender on each day like a suit of armor: it covers me, protects me, is the thing people see when they look at me, but it isn't a part of me. On the other hand, nonbinary genders that fall between the cracks of societal expectations cover closer than skin, hiding beneath the armor. You'll never see it unless you know enough to be looking for it.

Who are some people in your life, on or offline, who make your life better? Your relationship doesn’t have to be related to queerness.

Oh man, this could be a very long post.

My partner. Ze's the obvious answer, of course, but it's true: ze makes my life much better. Ze is the best at grounding me when my brain is all over the place. I never cease to be amazed by hir patience with all my ups and downs. Ze takes incredibly good care of me. It's also really, really wonderful to have a partner who understands first-hand what it means and how it feels to question one's gender.

My high school best friend. She knew me in high school and is still willing to be seen in public with me. She is quite probably the smartest person I know (although the previous sentence may be seen as evidence to the contrary, haha). She was the first person I ever came out to. She's always been supportive of whatever direction my life has gone in. We have one of those rare and wonderful friendships where we can go a year or more without seeing one another and pick up right where we left off, regardless of what's changed in the meantime.

My best friend from the church I grew up in. We don't talk terribly often anymore, but she's another of those friends where that tends not to matter. We can always pick up where we left off. She makes me think a lot, and asks some of the best questions. She also gave me some of the best advice I've ever received (and this was back when we were in high school...I know some seriously bright people): not to be so afraid of the pain in life and relationships that I miss out on the sweetness.

My two best friends from my tiny bible college days. Both of them survived being crushed on by newly-out (or not-quite-out) me.

One of them even went on to be my roommate (and teased me mercilessly, knowing that I had a crush, but all in good fun).

The other is the mother of my pseudo-niece, who is absolutely adorable and to whom I have the honor of being Uncle Alyx. Fun (and often, hijinks) are always in order when either of them is around.

My best friend from my brief time as a barista. She was the first person at work to consistently call me Alyx, the only person at work to ask about pronouns, the first person to refer to me by singular they, and the person who kept me from falling apart at the seams whilst my partner was living 6,000 miles away for ten months. The most fabulous queer femme I know, and one of the kindest, best, most thoughtful people I've ever met. If ever I feel a twinge of homesickness for Minnesota, it's because she's there and not here in Chicago.

My chosen brother. He's a brilliantly talented poet, and I find I learn something new every time I talk with him. Tomorrow he's headed to London to study, and I could not be happier for him.

My chosen sister. I've known her for most of our lives, but we never hung out until just a few years ago. In the course of those few years, she's blossomed from this shy, timid human into the snarkiest, wittiest person in my life (and I know a lot of snarky, witty people).

The awesome group of knitters in Chicago that were all my partner's friends first, but adopted me without hesitation. The collective brains and wit and snark and humor that goes along with this group is fantastic. The fact that I end up getting to hang out with this people at least once a week is so great.

(I'm going to do these last few out of order.)

Some positive genderqueer experiences.

This is just a partial list, but...

Being a part of The Naked I: Wide Open. Aside from the fact that seeing my work performed on stage was an incredible experience that I will never forget, I met so many wonderful people through the show. I will be forever grateful.

Working for the first time as Alyx. I was unbelievably lucky in that I had just started my coffee shop gig about two weeks before I settled on Alyx as a name, and I had the most wonderful manager, and the most wonderful coworkers (some of them took forever to catch on, but they were very much outweighed by the ones who were totally on the ball about it), and it was just the perfect environment for trying on that aspect of my identity.

Write a poem about being genderqueer.

(I'm cheating. I wrote this a while ago. It still holds true and has been in my head a lot lately.)

And Don't Call Me Ma'am

What can I get for you, sir?  I mean, ma’am?  I mean, sir?  I mean…sorry?

Look, honey. I know  you’re only trying  to be polite.

But will you please stop trying to put me in a box  and just let me order  my fucking burrito?

A fellow barista once asked me  if I had ever gotten into it  with a customer  (or anyone)  for calling me “ma’am.”

I said no.

He asked why not.

I told him it was because  I shouldn’t need  to defend my identity to every customer  in the drive-thru.

Because I shouldn’t feel obligated  to explain my existence  to every bartender,  or cashier,  or stranger on the street  (or in the bathroom),  or to you.

I don’t fit in boxes.

My wingspan is too wide.

So do us both a favor.

Stop with your assumptions,  and I’ll bring none of mine.

Discuss how your clothes do or don't reflect your gender.

I'm really annoyed by the fact that clothing is so gendered.

Once again, I apologize for neglecting the blog yesterday. We went to a show (Nickel and Dimed,which was very good and thought- and conversation-provoking) after work last night, and didn’t get home until late, and I decided a midday update today would be better than a middle of the night update last night when I was struck with insomnia until 4am. Anyway, on to the challenge questions!

How has your relationship with the cisgender people in your life changed?

I don’t know that it’s changed a whole lot with specific people (outside of, say, family). It’s been a learning process for everyone involved, myself included. I do know that a smaller percentage of my close friends are cisgender than there were before (and an even smaller percentage are straight).

Your first queer crush or relationship.

Hmm. I don’t honestly know who my first queer crush was. I can read into things that may have been queer crushes early on, but I don’t see much point in that. I know which one pushed me over the edge and made me come out. She was a friend I’d made in one of my classes at bible college, and basically I ended up semi-consciously trying to steal her from her boyfriend (who is now her husband, and they have an adorable daughter to whom I am Uncle Alyx, and it’s all fine now, don’t worry). Throughout that whole process I was insisting to myself that I was straight, but the denial could really only go so far before becoming unbearable cognitive dissonance. It’s a pretty funny story looking back (she and her husband think so, too), but it was super confusing and frustrating at the time.