#genryfeels

After 2 years of putting it off, I finally sought a psych consult today. Why now? I finally found an avenue, which wouldn't damage my or my parents' back account (see also: a medical student who seeks to seek consult because of the cost). In my second year of med school, we have Psychiatry classes throughout the school year. One of our lecturers gave out details for those who were interested. I went to that first but found it to be too expensive (PHP3000 for initial consult; PHP2500 for following sessions). I understand why consultants charge that much– it takes years to be good at your craft. But, it just wasn't affordable to me. So, I signed up through our institution's OPD-charity teleconsult. I was originally scheduled for January 2022 but was bumped to today. I think it was because I was a student! That was great (hehe).

I didn't really set expectations about the session. My primary goal was really just to finally seek consult, and go from there. I liked the resident assigned to me. I'm seeing her again!

Sharing some thoughts here so I can process them better. Just a quick recap of today's session. I lost self-confidence and grew self-doubt after being asked to leave my dream institution in 2019. Apart from that, I gained weight and lost even more self-confidence. My therapist asked me if I was always in the honor roll, and if this was my first "big failure" to which I replied, yes. It was then that I realized that I kept valuing myself through numbers & accolades. I have yet to discover how to refocus or redirect this way of thinking. To be honest though, I really never saw myself as "THAT" person who was stellar or "smart". I kept saying I was in the honor roll from kindergarten to college, but "not so high naman" to which my therapist said, getting honors in college was high or a big deal. I realized now, maybe I undervalue myself sometimes. She also pointed out that some somatic manifestations (back pain, neck pain) I was feeling were because of the anxiety, sadness, and stress. They were not singly all postural problems! She said my PCOS also contributed a lot (hormones, grrr), and it was good that I was getting treated for that (yay). After everything I've been through though, there's not doubt I still love myself. After all the questions about self-harm and comparing myself to others, I still think to myself, I love myself too much to do that. She also gave me a diagnosis of my 2019 post-eagle self: Adjustment Disorder or Persistent Depressive Disorder. I have yet to read into them more.

For my next session, my goals are to learn how to process things mentally better, and learn some coping techniques. I look forward to it! My therapist told me there was no indications for medication, which made me really happy. I don't want to drink meds that would make me gain more weight.