#genrysgap

i had a really long, profound blog post written but i clicked cancel instead of post. what’s good??? so here is a crammed, shorter, rushed, less heartfelt version.

2017 was a year of anxiety, loss, and failure. i experienced panic attacks where i really had a hard time breathing. i had breakdowns and meltdowns. i nearly got a psych consult because i thought i had depression. i was constantly anxious, and above that constance were waves of self-doubt and more anxiety. i was at my darkest. i lost people. i failed in more ways than one. mainly, i failed getting into med school, and that was disheartening and i felt left behind. 2017 was all that and because of these, i forgot to celebrate my victories— i graduated with honors, i won best thesis, i presented internationally, i gained a support system, and most of all i matured in faith.

2017 was beyond challenging. it was truly a difficult year. but, i was also made into the best i could be (yet). i left what needs to be left behind. i left people, feelings, and a lot of bad stuff. i no longer want to be thinking of boys that bring me no good, and merely give mixed signals without more profound meaning. i no longer want to waste time and energy on people who already think badly of me. i no longer want to be afraid of failure and rejection. by now, i’m on the process of desensitizing. i left the toxicities behind. if for some reason, i'm one of your toxicities, it's okay that you left me there, too. maybe i meant to, maybe i didn't. but hey, i hope it was good while it lasted, and all the best to you.

in 2018, i will continue to aggressively reach my goals, and make my dreams into reality. in 2018, i will make more effort for myself. i need to be doing things alone again, and enjoying things alone. in 2018, i will be kinder to myself. i will work to living healthier. i will come back to the gym, and make it habitual. i will dedicate what’s left of gap year to myself— self love, improvement, and betterment. it’s a process. i’m choosing everyday to trust the process. i’m entrusting everything to Him, and His plans for me while aggressively and fighting hard for my dreams. i’m continuously being faithful that His plans for me are always greater than mine will ever be. i’m lifting it all up.

you say you have a type– artists. you enumerated your exes and their art forms animatedly. you missed one thing. i am, too. i wrote about you. i write about you. and i will continue writing about you. 

part ii.

Mahirap ba tayong gustuhin?

Hindi ko alam. 

Siguro.

Siguro nga. 

Pero bakit ganon? Handa naman na akong sumugal. Handa na akong makaramdaman ng pagmamahal ng iba. Handa na akong masaktan kung sa huli’y hindi kami para sa isa’t isat.

*silence*

Bakit ganon? Wala pa ring dumarating.

Napagtanto kong hindi pa ako handang magmahal ng iba dahil hindi ko pa mahal ang sarili ko. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabihan ang iba na mahalin muna ang sarili, pero hindi ko maturuan ang sarili kong gawin ito.

*silence*