Fandom as self-discovery
cw: mentions of transphobia, aphobia, biphobia, nothing super explicit tho
Bless the women I met in internet fandom when I was a shiny young thing. They were all older than me, sometimes just by 5 years, sometimes by 40 years. Although I'd had gay, lesbian and bisexual friends for most of my life, they were all my age and not any more worldly than I was. Plus, at the time I assumed I was straight because there was next to zero representation of diverse sexuality in media. What would straight little old me even talk to them about when it came to my own sexuality??
There were a couple of times I'd been attracted to women, but it was fairly mild attraction, and I thought you had to be basically 50/50 to be bi. So obviously I wasn't that. Plus the first people I ever kissed were girls and I didn't enjoy it.
Then at some point I noticed that although I was more attracted to men than to women, it was generally pretty mild, too.
"Maybe I'm straight but have a hormonal imbalance and the women are just people I admire aesthetically."
I also noticed that the times I WAS attracted to men, I almost always felt instinctively that I... should be the penetrating partner. I didn't know how to phrase it or even think of it. When I was still a teenager, struggling with trying to explain what I wanted from a guy I went out with, I blurted, "I WANT YOU LIKE A MAN WOULD WANT YOU."
And let me tell you, if you think het masculinity is fragile now, it was like a fart in a hurricane then! He most def did not drop trou and present his bubble butt to me.
I told a female friend what I'd said and she replied, "Oh that explains why everyone thinks you're so masculine. You're a man trapped in a woman's body!"
That was the common phrasing in the 90s, so I apologize for the offense to my trans and nb friends. Other things people told me: that I was wrong, just needed to fuck the right guy, had penis envy, that I was just frigid, making excuses because I was too ugly to get anyone, etc.
Eventually I found my way online and HOT DANG there was so much knowledge in fandom! My fandom moms were so smart and knew so much! I learned about strapons! I learned about pegging! I discovered there's more than one way to be a woman! You're not automatically a bottom just because your genes gave you an innie instead of an outie!
Anyway ffwd to about 2012. I learned about asexuality and was immediately and fully supportive of aces. I could relate, but I didn't think I was one of them, because I do sometimes experience sexual attraction. I was still assuming I was just a straight cis lady who wanted to plow a fella like a corn field, and sometimes other ladies, but probably had a hormonal imbalance because horniness happened so infrequently.
It was only about six months ago that I started thinking of myself as "queer." I just kept it to myself because I was afraid people wouldn't see it as genuine, and was still suffering under the notion that if you can "pass" for straight, then you're not oppressed enough to part of the community. I inadvertently perpetuated the gate-keeping that sometimes goes on. Like, sure I'd been mocked and taunted but nobody seemed to have denied me a job or housing.
I fully expect to get hate from terfs and aphobes and biphobes and people who think queer is a slur, but whatever. There are probably young people out there now who are confused about their own sexuality and I'm old enough to be a Fandom Mom now, so maybe you'll see this and feel a little less alone. I'm kind of ace, kind of bi, and generally still not sure what I should call myself but at least I am sure I'm not broken or defective.
Oh and I found out the reason I didn't enjoy kissing those girls is that I don't like slobbery tongue-heavy kissing from ANYONE. There were several guys I also didn't like kissing. Please stop barging into my mouth like your tongue is at a Black Friday sale and my uvula is the last 4K UHD tv on the promo shelf.
Also my hormones are fine, in case you were gonna suggest that.
