#gender work

I think the following contributed to how poorly i felt the other night, when i wrote that very long post about my gender.

I was feeling very dysphoric that night, which is a new concept to me. I have only ever felt a similar degree of disconnect with my body once before in reference to my therianthrope.

A boon gained from that large amount of reflection though was that afterwords, I allowed myself to look at myself as a female, not just “a mess of confused gender vs sex,” which is a summation of what I felt looking at my body most days prior.

I haven’t felt the way i did that night about my body so much, so i take to that mean that while I’m not wholly trans, I am nonbinary as previous thought. My problem was that while i chose to label myself as thus (as in i chose to use that term to describe how i felt, not that i chose to be nonbinary), I did not allow myself to think that way. I still looked at myself as wholly male, as I did not fit the physical description enough to allow myself to think i fit the word female.

The thought that I might be Transgender scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

There. I said it. Jesus that was hard.

Now what?

Like, I guess, I don’t feel like i could really handle it. Such an complete and wipe-sweeping change to everything I've ever know. To how i even live. To how others see me. To how society treats me. And the pain that I would have to endure to start and finish something like that. It’s... unfathomable. I don’t know if I could handle that much change.

This is like, the six separate time I've thought about this? Like dropped what I’m doing and really considered it; what I've felt, what that means, and what it could mean for my life. I will never be one to lie to myself. That is the one thing I will always be proud of, that no matter what happens because of it, i will no longer deny myself anything. Hell, that’s how i pushed to and made it to the conclusion I’m non binary. It’s what’s even allowed me to seriously entertain this thought and see it through to it’s conclusion.

No matter what is means for me. No matter how absolutely scared I am of it. 

Let’s see. Facts I suppose?

I enjoy ‘girly’ things; nail polish, I very much so wanna wear women’s clothes. it’s gotten past the point of wanting to try them, I know I want to wear them. I know I would look great in them, and feel great in them.

On a number of occasions, I've longed for a ‘flat front’, ie; a genital region without a dick and balls flopping around.

On a number of occasions, I’ve felt a want to be penetrated, not just anally (Ok, so that is how you spell that. Weird.), but in the front as well. In a vagina I don’t have. This feeling has become more pronounced in the last 2-3 times I’ve thought about it. Hell,  I even stopped I didn’t even start masturbating tonight. I stopped touching myself, and just stared at the vagina I was looking at. Stared at it. Just thinking about all this. Hell, I wasn’t even aroused at that point anymore. (Although that may be because I was scared of this more than I was unattracted to vagina.)

I’ve felt, this time, and the last one, a thought of “damn, i wish i could masturbate without touching my dick,” because it wasn’t doing it for me. As in, I would have rather had a pussy to play with, my pussy. (As opposed to another female’s pussy.)(”Another female’s pussy,” that could be more evidence towards the argument as well.)

I also much more enjoy being referred to with she/her pronouns, as opposed to he/him, neutral ones, or anything else. (This could be either way, as I feel no ill against being referred to as he/him. It just doesn’t bother me in the slightest.)(A counter to that though maybe be that I grew up as he/him, and have always considered that as my pronouns, to the point of... complacence with them?)

(Wow, this is turning out to be the best argumentative essay I’ve ever written. Well I guess that will help with the consideration afterward if everything is well organized. As well as it can be anyway. It’s kinda just coming out and been put down.)

Now, facts to the opposition of the question? I guess that question would be, “Am I transgender and want to be a woman? Enough to want to- A. Take hormones, B. Get top surgery, C. Get bottom surgery? Or, am I nonbinary, as I previously thought, with just a very large amount of female lean?” 

Anyway, point’s in favor of the opposing side of the argument.

One, very large concern I have with this is, how functional is a post-surgery vaginal, when compare to both a penis and vagina with no surgery? Unrelated to how i feel about it, and purely in terms of... pleasure? feeling? sensitivity? How well would it compare, if i were to get bottom surgery, to what i have now? Would I be ‘better off’ with keeping the equipment I have now, in terms of usability? Or would the post-op vagina do just as well compare to what i have now, and better than and closer to that of a ‘real’ vagina?

Now, with no research into the subject, (I wouldn’t have the slightest idea where to start looking for such information, and i certainly would not wanna ask my doctor about it, for fear of bias, or lack of knowledge in the subject, or anything else that might hinder a useful response. Nor do i know a doctor who is well verse in this subject to whom i could pose the question,) I would say I would essentially ‘lose’ some functionality. A penis doesn’t have nearly the amount of nerves as a vagina does, there wouldn’t be no possible way for them to ‘give’ me more nerves to the point of reaching the levels of a ‘real’ vagina, and I would expect that through such surgery(s), I would lose some sensitivity in what i have now compared to post-operation.

Okay, now on to the actual points towards the other side of the argument. That is a vaild concern that should be entered in to record on the subject, but they are not in favor of either side in any way really, more like point to steer the conversation, rather than stops made along it. (Metaphors bitch. :D)

All points made towards the thought I’m Transgender could very well be just point towards the idea that I’m nonbinary with a very heavy lean to female.

When i first came to the conclusion, and all of the times i considered this argument, I came back to nonbinary because of how, just ‘right’ if felt. I didn’t really feed the want, or need, to complete remove the male aspects of my current life. Presenting as female was a big want of mine at some point in the hopefully near future, but being male to the outside world was not a thing that i never wanted to do again...

OKAY, so totally new line of thinking here--

(If only i could tab over a section, similar in function to how Microsoft Word allows.) What if, I am nonbinary. Big thinker I am right? But no, what if I’m nonbinary, but with a female body!?!

(This development has taken a lot of the weight off my shoulders that was present in the previous line of thinking.)

Now, if this idea become the reality, it would definitely still be a very large change; to my body, lifestyle (Ugh needles), and the way I act and portray myself. I have, on numerous rounds of consideration of this question, felt a “jealousy” of sorts towards those with female bodys to begin with. Those individuals can more easily dress and present as males, both in physical form most times, and in society, as both are much more accepted than males doing the same but towards the female side. I’m mostly referring to those with a slimmer body shape, as those are who I’ve envied and... idolize? As in, those are the body types that I would like to have if that were my situation. this is even to the point of considering major exercise and eating habit changes, to the point where i can become slimmer, and hopefully embody at least my version of that shape.

So, what does this mean for me? I guess it means that, with further consideration as to cement this as my way to go, I will i the future maybe move forward with changing my body from male to female.

Nonbinary people, and Transgender people in general, can be anywhere along the line of hormones, surgery, and genitals, and still be valid in the eyes of the term.

So, I suppose this is case closed for now then? I have mostly work through my question, threw it out the fucking window, and wrote an entirely new question that I then answered and feel comfortable with. Upon further review and consideration, I will hopefully move forward in a direct that I feel best represents me, and who I want me to be.

Fantastic.

(Notice: This was all written as an exercise for myself, to work through what i was feeling and to decide what it meant for me. The way it was written was to best support myself, and the way i refer to Male and Female, and what I feel them to mean was in no way to offend anyone who reads this. It was written in such a way to convey my thoughts to myself for review.)