#ge ray

He doesn't want people to look at him! He doesn't want them to tell him what they think of him, positive or negative, because those words stand in the way of a path to true self-confidence. It took Ray a long time to believe you weren't lying to him when you said you thought he was kind, handsome, and oh-so-sweet, mind you.

You know him like the back of your hand, and he knows he can trust your opinion of him because you've seen him at his absolute best and worst. You won't lie to him if he makes a mistake, but you won't try to be harsh with him, either. You don't want him to give up on himself. It isn't healthy for him to react with extremes. He's not going to lose his chance at freedom if he messes up, but it feels that way when those blunders are shoved in his face.

Can you imagine what it would be like for Ray to see his picture in the public eye, only to see people talking about him as if he were nothing more than a character? We know how people talk about people in the public eye, regardless of their celebrity status, and they are often put into positions where they're objectified, projected onto, and ignored. Ray's voice belongs to him, but to have the media take his words and twist them one way or another would hurt.

Saeray has an easier time because he's willing to block it out. He knows people are looking, but when it's brought up, he turns the other way because he understands his worth is not tied to what the world thinks of him. Nobody can decide who he is or what he wants. They can think whatever they want, but those choices have no damn impact on the life he's leading!

This is why he really doesn't know what to do when he's caught by someone who wants to talk to him. He stares at them, chuckles, and rubs the back of his head because he has no idea why people want to treat him this way. You're interested in knowing more about him, but he's certain that once you know who he is, you won't feel the need to make such a fuss again. He's just an average person. He wants to live a life just like you, where he makes mistakes and learns from them in a timely manner. He knows who he is, so he isn't as likely to fall into a similar trap as Ray.

Ray would fixate on people talking about him. Whether he wants to be like that way or not, it's what he's prone to doing as a person with low self-esteem. Even if he understands that you love him and would never leave him behind, other people could get into his head and tell him that he's not good enough to pursue his other dreams. You know he loves to take photos, and he loves to share those photos. But... the minute someone compared him to Jihyun would sting.

Can't he enjoy photography without it being connected to him? Can't he live his life freely without looking over his shoulder to the man who failed him? What about when Ray expresses himself with his fashion? How do you think he would react to someone insulting his penchant for cute things? His desire to be a prince? Some people would be the most supportive fans you've ever seen, but others... would not meet with kindness.

These rumors would burn him, and to a point, I think he would need an intervention because Ray is compulsive. He wouldn't stop looking even if he promised you he wouldn't. He's afraid of being seen, good or bad, by anyone. The negative comments would hurt him a lot. He wouldn't fixate on the people telling him he's pretty! He would look at the people saying cruel things about you, and God forbid, you.

Sitting down with Jumin and Zen might do Ray some good, if you ask me. We know Ray trusts Jumin's opinion, and he's learning how to be trusting of the other RFA members, too. If you sat down with them to help Ray understand the importance of ignoring others, I haven't the slightest bit of doubt in my heart that he wouldn't be able to learn the best way to ignore hurtful words.

Suit Saeran... is right where I pause because it's hard to imagine him wanting to engage with a massive world when he's well aware could make a decision about him and never change it again. If people took one look at him and decided he was unworthy of redemption or the chance to prove himself, it would hurt. Maybe he isn't. Do you know how long he debated with himself before he apologized to you?

The shame of knowing you might've preferred him to disappear instead of an apology? He hasn't forgiven him for much of the RAE, and regardless of how you view Ray, Suit Saeran, and GE Saeran, it's important to understand that while Ray is able to move forward and find forgiveness for himself, Suit Saeran isn't. It takes until you both confront Rika and Saejoong Choi for that part of his heart to find the peace he needs.

He needed to face the monster who hurt him to forgive the one in his own heart.

He wouldn't say it, but he isn't the type of person who has to say he's upset for you to understand he's upset. You can take one look in his eyes and know what he's feeling before he says it. What if people in the outside world knew he took part in the cult? What if they knew he hurt you? Even if you forgave him, what if they knew what he used to be capable of? What he could... still be capable of?

What if they knew there were nights he imagined himself no better than Rika, his mother, and his father? That's terrifying, and the idea of being perceived in this way makes Suit Saeran sick. He also isn't huge on people talking about his body, his looks, or his personality. They don't know him. But maybe... he "deserves" it because he did the same thing to the RFA? It still hurts to be spoken about as if the world knows him when they don't!

That's also an extension of his wanting to protect both GE Saeran and Ray. Once a protector, always a protector. I can see him setting up blocks to protect you and Ray. He wouldn't want you to see other people saying nasty things about you, and he knows Ray's penchant for hurting himself. But in the process of making those filters, there's no way he didn't read these articles himself. Outside of his paranoia... I think what irks him is the media dismissing you.

Similar to Zen's Route, I can only imagine what kind of commentary you would be exposed to as Saeran's partner. He makes no point of hiding your relationship, and yet, I wonder if the RFA did so because in one instance, you're speaking to Yoosung's friend, and she hasn't the slightest idea that Saeran has a partner. It makes sense if they didn't reveal this information to protect you and your family, but I'm doubtful that the information could remain hidden forever when GE Saeran refuses to hide from the world.

Suit Saeran would want to protect you from horrific comments because he exposed you to them himself. He doesn't want you to hear another person call you an ugly name that's not true. So while he's paranoid about being seen as someone rude and unfeeling, his main goal is to limit yours and Ray's exposure to cruelty. Saeray can more or less set limits for himself, but if he needs Suit Saeran's help, he will step in, too.

There's gonna be shame tangled up in this, too. If he hides the fact that he's seen people insulting you, how is this any better than how he "protected" you by rationalizing cruelty as safety to keep Rika from hurting you? It wasn't a solution! It created more pain! He's gonna need an intervention, too. The best bet for him is to sit down and talk privately, because this isn't something he's comfortable talking about with anyone else.

In the game, we're presented with people harassing and hounding the RFA for information about Saeran, to the point that Jaehee set her outgoing message to tell people to stop calling her to ask about Saeran's natural hair color. People think Saeran's pretty, and the more I think about it, the more I fear that people are objectifying him from the get-go. The fact that people focus on this diminishes why he had to reveal his existence in the first place! We all agree he's handsome... but focusing on his looks when he's asking you to look at his criminal father, so accountability is taken?

Can you imagine how toxic the Idol Ending must be?

GE Saeran, all and all, handles people talking about him in the media fairly well. He doesn't go online. He keeps to himself. He knows how to protect his peace. But Ray and Suit Saeran wouldn't be able to handle it the same way he does.

A lot of this runs with the idea that people would know they're not the same person, and would talk about them as they truly are, different guys in the same body. But I think if Ray and Suit Saeran were both presented with the knowledge that people have been talking about Saeray like they do... they would have similar reactions to the above. They would fixate on the bad, try to protect Saeray from it, and pray that people learn how to differentiate between viewing Saeray as eye candy and understanding what he's politely asked them to do.

You couldn't help yourself. With his big eyes and rosy cheeks, he truly looked every bit of the part he wanted to play. With a gentle poke to the tip of Ray's nose, you shook your head. "Ray, Halloween might've started as a way to scare ghouls and ghosts away, but nowadays, it's about dressing up any way you see fit. Besides, I don't think you want to scare the ghosts away. Weren't you the one who told me you think they're misunderstood?"

"Well," he looked away. "I do think it's unfair that people run away from them without giving them a chance to explain themselves. Who's to say they didn't want to be your friend? How can you see someone who's scared because they haven't moved on to the next life and run away from them? If you were lonely, you would want to make friends with the first person to notice you, too."

Ray had always identified with creatures that were treated with disdain or fear. He loved looking after bugs because they were so important to the world, and yet were treated like nuisances for no other reason than someone's temporary discomfort. After learning more about ghosts, he realized that they were just like bugs! Being something of an afterthought to most people, anyway.

Ghosts were once people, and unless they were spotted by the right person, they were left to remain unknown to the world. He knew how much it hurt to be forgotten in plain sight. How could he work to tell an innocent ghost to disappear when he knew their grief? He wanted to invite them into his space so they could be friends.

He knew nobody was what someone thought of them at first glance, and he refused to make his first Halloween a festival of cruel masks and words that ghosts didn't deserve.

And what better way to greet them than as a phantom prince?

"I'm still trying to understand these holiday customs," he admitted. "I thought the trick was what you barter for candy."

It was nice to see him watch movies, read stories, and study just about any book he could get his hands on. But there was only so much he could learn about Halloween without experiencing it for himself. He needed the whimsy from a long day of hunting candy!

"Some houses are like that," you told him.

"Oh, so no one house celebrates the same way," he pressed his thumb and index finger to his chin in thought. "This is similar to Christmas traditions, right? Jumin and Yoosung told me different stories about how their families celebrate the holiday. So, it's the same for other holidays, too?"

"Yeah! That's what makes it so special. We might all have fun with the overall theme of Halloween, but what makes it so special is that we've learned how to make something not only uniform with our quest for a nice basket of candy and a couple of good-natured frights, but really individualistic at the same time, since every family has their own way of having fun."

"Then... I'm happy I get to make Halloween traditions with you." His warm smile melted your heart.

Once it became something you would have to go to the hospital for, that was when his heart began to surge.

Saeray set it to the side, knowing the numbers wouldn't change, and began to replace your ice pack with a new one, noting how warm the old one had become in such a short amount of time. You were more or less burning your way through the ice to keep cool. He knew your body was trying its best to fight the infection, but the smallest thing could make the difference between better and worse.

"It's going to take a while for the medication to kick in," he said, not only to reassure himself but to reassure Ray, too. "Their fever won't go down until it has sussed out the problem. All we can do is wait... okay?"

I hate not being able to help them feel better! They're not supposed to feel horrible when we're here to take care of them!

Would you shut up? Saeran scoffed from somewhere nearby. You're not going to help them or us by working yourself up. He's done what he can, and now all we can do is sit here and wait for it to get better or worse. Saeray, try to give them some water so Ray stops whining about what we can't fix. I know you can do that.

But I can't stand seeing them suffer...

Neither can I! You think I enjoy seeing them writhe in pain? No! But we can't do anything! We've run down the list two times over already, and any more, and they won't be able to rest!

Can we read them a story?

...It wouldn't hurt.

I know it's not much, but it always made us feel better when we were sick. I just want them to hear something friendly while they're in pain. If they focus on our voice, at least they'll have someone to guide their heart to sleep.

Saeray couldn't help but sigh. He was happy that they were in better spirits than they had been at the start, but they came up with ideas just before they dawned on him. He supposed he couldn't complain about that, given he was made of their hearts, but it was always odd to be at the front altogether when their plans congealed seamlessly! He couldn't doubt himself, at least.

He grabbed the cup of water from the bedside table and held it next to your lips. "My love, would you like some water?"

You coughed, eyes fraught with delirium as you tried your best to focus on him, but it seemed to be of no avail. He didn't want to let your throat dry out, but he also didn't want to make you choke on a simple sip of water. "Wa... ter?"

"Yes, my love. Would you like to try a sip?"

You did try your best to tilt your head, but it didn't take much before you slumped against the pillow. He tucked one hand under your head and brought the glass to your lips, pouring in just enough water to let your mouth get used to the taste. You seemed to enjoy it, swallowing after it sat in your mouth for a second, and sighing when it sank into your stomach.

That was a good sign, right?

He waited, but when you didn't cough or sputter on your next breath, he knew you could try to answer him. "That's better, right?"

"Mmm..."

I told you so.

Thank you, Saeran, he thought. As you settled back into bed, Saeray plucked his favorite book of fairytales from the shelf and placed it on the edge of the bed so he could locate a peaceful story. And... thank you, Ray. I'm sure this will give them pleasant dreams.

"Of course, my love. I thought I'd find you sprawled across the couch after the morning you guys had. Didn't Ray spend most of his time in the kitchen after I left? I kept getting updates from him while I was at my desk but when they stopped, I figured he finished the treats he'd mentioned wanting to donate to the children's group."

A resounding chuckle told you to hunt for Saeray on the patio instead of the kitchen. "Yes, he did. He was awfully proud of himself when he finished. I can say I was as well, mind you. He made sure to decorate every treat in the shape of a specific animal so the children would be sure to have one bite of their favorite. I think he would've finished the basket sooner if it hadn't been for Saeran. He insisted animals had to be their usual color even in frosting, but Ray decided pastels were so much cuter."

You weren't surprised to find him with his face stuffed in a book. He could spend his days doing whatever he wanted now and when he had a say in it, he wanted to watch the clouds, listen to the songbirds, and read. He looked cute with a pencil tucked behind his ear and the edge of concentration on his lips. You wanted to surprise him, but the need to know what he was doing got there first.

"I think there's merit to both," you said.

The idea of two of your lovers bouncing back and forth between what they thought was best made you laugh. 

It had never been easy for Ray and Saeran to find steady ground, even though it should've been the easiest thing in the world. If it wasn't for the environment they were trapped in, pushing them to be at odds all the time, they never would've had issues with one another in the first place.

Saeran wanted Ray's happiness but sometimes that happiness put him in conflict with his own desires. If put between a rock and a half place, he often put Ray first.

It had been the same way in Magenta.

Only, back then, he had forced a cruel hand to stop Ray from having anything that could be used against him. Even if it hurt him, the thought of having things that could be taken away was a lot scarier than trying to discern what might happen when it came to pass. At the time, it was better for them not to have anything that could be exploited against them even if it made them miserable in the meantime.

It was better to never know the comfort at all than it was to lose it. Ray couldn't see it that way at the time. He wanted to know the light and warmth of someone's touch so badly... he feared the worst but it never occurred to him to hold back. He was allowed to dream, but his other half at the time... wasn't. Saeran couldn't hide that envy even if he fought for Ray.

It was a breakdown of communication because of the situation they were in but now that they were able to exist outside of those walls, they could learn how to understand each other without the added weight of survival.

There was no need to fight anymore, only the need to enjoy life at its fullest. If that meant they were going to argue about the pastries, you didn't mind. “What about you, then? What did you do after they cooled down?” 

“Oh, I've been piecing together what they did while I was resting. I wasn't close to the front this morning. I woke up from a nap covered in pink and blue frosting but at least these donations are finished! I didn't mind cleaning up, frankly. I played some music and enjoyed my time with my thoughts. It helped me figure out what to write about in my journal next," he held up the notebook he had been writing in just before you found him.

"I'm glad you've had a good day, then. All of you," you said. The nudge of the gift you held weighed in your hands as you tried your best to be inconspicuous. "Speaking of which, are they nearby?"

"Ray's lingering around, but he's not close enough for me to hear him. I just know he's standing there. Saeran might be there, too... though I imagine the thought of being caught frosting-handed has them a bit out of sorts,” he chuckled. 

"I wouldn't tease them too much."

"You and I both know you want nothing more than to pinch some cheeks."

It wasn't that often they were close enough to hear you at the same time. It happened once in a blue moon. Their mind wasn't something that could be transformed with the wave of a hand, or a flick of their wrist. You loved being with them, all of them, no matter who fronted at the time or who was around to hear it. They all deserved to know a tender touch, and you were grateful yours was the hand they adored most.

The greedy part of you wished you could sing their praises all at once. But, you knew there was something wonderful about being able to split it between them, too. They deserved time to know they were the center of your world. You didn't love one more than the other, you loved that they were individuals with their own likes and dislikes, so having that time alone made it easier to personalize your praise.

But... when your heart bloomed with devotion like this, you wanted to make a sincere declaration that no one could dare deny. Life was short, and to not surprise your loves was no different than letting it pass you by.

You tugged the vibrant bouquet from your back and placed it in front of Saeray, letting your arms drape over his shoulders so you could see the way his hands trembled in excitement and feel the quiver that ran down his spine. "Actually, what I want... is to take my precious flowers out on a date tonight. Not just a date for Ray, Saeran, or you... but all of you."

His breath got stuck in his throat as he seemed to lose himself to his thoughts. Saeray loved surprises like this. He loved them... far more than Ray or Saeran because the instinctual, uncomfortable need to flinch didn't haunt him like it did them. But, you knew Saeran and Ray weren't afraid of your surprises. They were always filled with love and support no matter where they came from.

"All of us? What's the occasion?"

You nuzzled your nose against his throat. "There's no occasion. I just want to take my partners out on a date. I don't think we need to have a reason, Saeray. I want to spend my night with everyone... I know we can't plan ahead for who fronts when, but that doesn't mean we can't make a night where I cherish all of you... and you cherish me, too."

"No, if it hurt I would tell you," Ray murmured. He settled underneath your gentle strokes and leaned back against the counter as you went back to scratching the tender parts of his scalp. "I'm just not used to this sort of thing. I didn't take showers for pleasure in Magenta. They were all for the sake of getting clean in under ten minutes or... to cool me off after the elixir gave me a fever."

You knew that.

At least, that was what you figured after you talked to him about the cold showers he mentioned a few times during your walks together in the garden. It wasn't far into summer when you first met him and the gentle breeze of spring still hung in the air, however, it didn't stop the sun's lingering rays from nipping at your skin in the evening.

Even if you could only see him in the dead of night, there were traces of sunshine that lingered in the garden. Heat radiated from the grass into your clothes whenever you laid down to enjoy a moment with his hand twirled around your own. With all those layers weighing against him, no amount of a summer breeze could hide the sweat that would follow. Even during the night, Ray couldn't hide the effect of the heat no matter how much he wanted to.

His body could barely handle tension as it was, so as soon as your walks were over, it made sense for him to tumble back into his room to lay on the tile floor. It didn't bother you as much, but you had the means to regulate your body temperature. What wasn't a problem in your world was a big one in his. Fortunately, it wasn't a big deal to his body now.

He could enjoy a summer day without his clothes paving the way for a heat stroke, and he could lay in the bathtub as long as he wanted to without the fear of someone punishing him for not doing his job.

The downside to all that was that he didn't know how to take care of his hair. It wasn't as if he put much thought into it before. It was there and he did his best to deal with it. He continued to fry his curls until they were dry because he couldn't stomach the sight of himself with red hair.

Nobody taught him how to color his hair and how to use bleach to get rid of color properly. Since he didn't know how to take care of his hair to begin with and he hardly had enough time to take care of himself in the shower, it was no wonder why he always shuddered away from anyone who wanted to touch his hair. Who would want to touch him if they realized his hair was as dry as a wig made of plastic?

For a man like Ray who wanted to be seen as a prince, the idea of not being the perfect person ate away at him. His dry hands and coarse hair were a point of contention for him. The fact that he was now at ease with you holding his hand without his gloves was a step in the right direction, but it wasn't as easy when it came to his hair.

It was in desperate need of TLC but that wasn't something he could do on his own. There wasn't much he could do by himself to fix the damage caused by heat and bleach. There were serums he could use but every time you saw him look at his reflection in the mirror, you knew he didn't want to take care of it. It might have been easier if he ripped it out and started from the beginning, but you knew he didn't want to do that, either. 

He wanted his hair, but to get what he had in kind before his damage, he had to leave it alone. He didn't have to avoid it entirely but it felt as though that was his solution to the problem before you asked him if it would be easier if you applied the hair mask and lotion his scalp. If he didn't have to look at it, he didn't have to think about it. But, that was not the best outcome.

"I know," you made sure not to dig too hard into his skin when your nails dug into some of the harder spots. Those were the areas that needed to soak in cream for as long you could get him to relax. "It must be strange to have your hair wet like this, too. I can't imagine you washed your hair outside of the shower."

"No... I didn't know you could do that. Even when Saeyoung and I were little, we utilized the shower as much as we could since our mother wouldn't let us get clean outside of that time. If I used the sink to wash my hair, I... can't imagine it would've been okay," Ray closed his eyes.

You hesitated. "This isn't a bad feeling, either, is it?"

Ray shook his head. He reached up with one of his hands to find your arm, though with his eyes closed he missed your hand and ended up grasping your forearm instead.

"It's not a bad feeling. I've been afraid to ask you to touch my hair because I knew it wouldn't be a pleasant experience. You mentioned that one of your favorite ways to show affection with a partner was through playing with their hair, and I... thought if you touched mine, you would be sorely disappointed. It's not soft like wool. It's coarse and it crinkles when I try to brush it."

His hair didn't feel the way it did the day you left Mint Eye, though. That first night away from danger allowed you the chance to curl up against their body and dote on them without a second thought, but it also taught you why they were wary to let you that close. You noticed how malnourished they were, how cracked their hands were, and just how fried their curls were.

As much as it broke your heart, it invigorated your drive to make sure they never had to live that way ever again. 

It'd been a couple of months since that sweet night, and while things weren't exactly perfect, they were on track to get better and their hair was a perfect example of that. It wasn’t as dry as it used to be! It was soft although be it brittle when given too much force from a comb of all things.

It didn't snap the way it used to, and that told you it would only get better from there.

"Oh, Ray," you smushed his curls together and continued to nudge his head into a more comfortable position. "You know I wasn't sad when I played with your hair for the first time. It was nice because that was your hair. That's why I didn't want to crawl off of your lap, even during those meetings we had with the C&R team. I wanted to enjoy every moment you would allow me to touch you since I figured it might be a while before you felt comfortable with it again."

A soft gasp left his lips and you glanced over the soapy foam to see his dazzled eyes staring at you with affection. "Really?"

"Of course. Why else would be I the first one to offer to do this for you, Ray? I'm not disgusted by your body. I'll say that as many times as I have to, no matter how far away we are from Magenta, because I want you to know your body is beautiful... and I could play with your hair all day if we didn't have chores and work to do."

"Thank you," he croaked. Those words seemed to have been the glue he needed to hold himself together. "I'm happy I can give you this."

“That just means we’re on the right track,” Sunset beamed. 

Every month, they set aside time to go shopping together because there was nothing more delightful than being able to experience the wonder of picking out clothes for yourself. At least, it was among one of the many freedoms Ray clamored for when she told him he could do anything he wanted once they were free.

Ray delighted in being able to finally dress like a prince, and he loved knowing that Sunset enjoyed being his princess, too. She didn’t dress up to make him happy, he knew, she reveled in ribbons and tulle because it empowered her as well. She felt confident as a princess, just as he’d felt confident as a prince. 

Whenever he could, he liked to style their coordinates to blend seamlessly. Not only did it feel good to dress as he felt on the inside, but it felt even better to know he could share the experience with his girlfriend.

To think that people would see them cozied together on the street as they went about their day… without a doubt in their minds that he and Sunset belonged with one another? That was more than Ray could’ve hoped for, and… he was undeniably grateful to have experienced it. 

He loved Lolita fashion. It… was one of the reasons why he was drawn to Sunset in the first place because seeing a woman stride confidently down a city street with a dress that had seemingly appeared out of the pages of his fairytale book made him feel like his dreams could come true.

He had no idea that people could continue to dress as they once did in the stories he adored! 

As he affixed the last accessory of his outfit, he heard the sound of a changing room door open and shut behind him. He admired his reflection in the mirror until Sunset eased in at his side and overwhelmed his heart with more love than he knew how to handle.

She’d chosen a white dress that kissed her shoulders and flared out behind her with a train that would dazzle when she spun around. She was right, he thought, as she wrapped her arms around his waist and played with the lace trappings. The fabric fit perfectly, both around her waist and his hips. 

The black rosette that sat atop her head was the pair to the white rosette that sat on the lapel of his shirt. Somewhere amidst their journey to create harmony between their new outfits, they exchanged roses. She wasn’t purely made of light, and he wasn’t only made of darkness—because as long as they were together, they could be an eclipse. 

“We look perfect together,” her lips brushed against his cheek. “I can’t wait to find the perfect outing to wear these coordinates to, Ray. Whether it’s at tea or a date meant for two, I know we’ll be the envy of everyone’s eye.” 

As long as she continued to speak about him like that for the rest of their lives, Ray knew he would forever be the happiest prince of them all. 

———

“Oh, it’s you two,” the surprised voice from the other side of the hall caught Ray’s attention. “I didn’t expect to see you on our day off.” 

He didn’t have to look to know who it was, but his eyes trailed across the room to catch a glimpse of Jaehee and Minji.

Ray hadn’t expected to see those two, either. Jaehee’s cafe was located on the other side of Seoul. It would’ve taken them an hour to take the train to this part of the city; But, if the cafe was closed for the day? It made sense for them to travel further away.  

“Hello, Jaehee, Minji,” Sunset gave a friendly wave before Ray could even think of a greeting. “It’s certainly a surprise but a pleasure, too. I don’t think I’ve seen you guys outside of the cafe since the last party. You must be enjoying the attention Zen brought to the cafe last month when he insisted the director use your cafe for filming... I figured you guys would be too busy to slow down all things considered.”

Minji chuckled. “You’re not wrong, Sun. It hasn’t slowed down for a minute, but… it hasn’t been all bad. Jaehee’s finally got an excuse to hang up a sign that says this is Zen’s favorite spot, and there’s proof for any fans who want to fact-check her claims online. I haven’t seen someone as excited as this since I took you to that gallery exhibition.” 

Sunset’s cheeks turned rosy. Ray noticed it in an instant because his dearest love began to giggle and wave her hand as if to remove the butterflies from her tummy. It wasn’t all that different from how she reacted to Saeran when he poked and prodded at her heart until she quivered under his advances.

“Oh, please. I doubt it. As much as I love that artist, my enjoyment of their work is nowhere near as dedicated as Jaehee’s appreciation of Zen's career. But, that’s to say there’s something about admiration versus appreciation that gets lost to the wayside sometimes. A casual enjoyer next to a super fan will have distinct differences when it comes to how they’re seen by their loved ones,” she said. 

“I’m not sure I would use the label ‘super fan’ for myself, either,” Jaehee added. “As much as I admire his work ethic and lust for life, I think I would refer to what he does for me as you would an inspiration. After all, if it wasn’t for his encouragement, and Minji’s passion, I’m not sure I would’ve chosen to stand up for myself. ” 

“What can I say? There’s a certain sparkle in your eyes when you’re able to do what you love,” Minji squeezed Jaehee’s hand. Her tender smile didn’t waver as she continued, “I remember it was the same for Sun. Seeing someone you love shamelessly be themself is the greatest gift you could ever hope for.” 

“Minji… not in public.” 

“Sorry, Jae. I couldn’t help myself, hahaha.” 

Sunset laughed again. Ray hadn’t said a single word and Minji inspired the loveliest of sounds from his sweet princess’ lips. How many times had Minji been the reason Sunset laughed? How many times had Minji made Sunset feel fluttering butterflies in the pit of her tummy?

How often had Minji seen through Sunset’s wandering eyes and shown her she was the reason bells sang and birds could fly? How easy had it been for Minji to help Sunset feel alive when it took Ray months to even learn how to look her in the eye? Was he as pitiful as he felt? 

That sound was like music to his ears, but to… to hear someone else inspire that laughter in his Sunset made his stomach churn in knots. It was as if the high he experienced when she pressed her lips to his cheek over and over again plummeted in a heartbeat.

All of his confidence waned, quivering underneath the force of his insecurities like a wilting rose… left to drown in a thunderstorm. 

Rather than experiencing the butterflies he had earlier when she peppered his face with lofty kisses and lauded him with heated compliments he could’ve only dreamed of back when they were in Mint Eye, he felt the bitter pangs of insecurity and jealousy crawl up and down his spine.

He didn’t like to feel that way, to sit disgusted with himself for his outright ire towards anyone who could make Sunset smile wider than he could, but the fact of the matter was that Ray wasn’t yet confident enough to say he was worthy of the love Sunset shared with him. 

She promised him long ago that she would never make him feel like a bug, pitiful and forgotten as soon as she lifted her heel to crush him and continue on her merry way. It was a promise painted against her strawberry lips as she smoothed out his hair and gave him no reason to doubt her words.

She was the one who made him believe there could be more out there for him than what he allowed himself to have. He didn’t have to sit there in agony and settle for torture… he could have everything he wanted and more if he asked for it. 

Ray pleaded with her to have mercy on him, to treat his heart however she liked because he knew her tender hands would never make him quiver, and she did. She gave him the love he desired and then some, even knowing what might befall her if Rika discovered so much as a sneaking suspicion of what they were doing.

She risked everything to be with him. He could never thank her enough for that. Ray never once thought he would be a person worth fighting for, but all the same, she fought for him without any expectation of receiving something in return. 

She was too good to be true, that’s what Saeran thought. That was why he lashed out at her the way he did. He didn’t know if she was genuine—if she would keep the promise she made with his Ray—and every horrible attack he made came with a strange test he didn’t fully understand until the dust settled and he had to pay the piper for all of the awful things he did to Sunset. It was no different for him.

Even if she kept that promise for the rest of their lives, it couldn’t erase the trickery, deceit, and verbal degradation she faced at their hands. She forgave them with the wave of her hand, but they didn’t know how to forgive themselves. 

Saeran had more conversations with Sunset about it than he did. Ray wasn’t sure if he avoided those conversations because he was afraid of what she might say if he said the wrong thing, or if he avoided it because he knew if he expanded just how pitiful he felt at times compared to other people, she might think… less of him.

After all, it had been a couple of months since they had a reason to be afraid of any skeletons in the closet. 

The world was no longer on the verge of collapse and they were on their way to making a full recovery. 

Wouldn’t it be wrong for him to confess he felt awful when Sunset, Saeran, and Saeray were working towards healing? After all, Rika once told him he was the bundle of weak, insignificant, pitiful emotions that could never exist in this world as anything more than her pathetic child who wasn’t meant to survive. 

Even if he now understood those very words were meant to keep him under her thumb forever, there were times when he wondered if what he felt deep within his heart meant that Rika hadn’t been entirely wrong about him. 

If everyone in his life was already moving forward, what did it say when he felt like he couldn’t keep up with them? There were moments when he felt like he was climbing higher and higher towards the same place of peace Saeran and Saeray had found, and moments like this when his eyes fell to the ground and he felt like a monster for being envious of something that shouldn’t have bothered him in the first place. 

Sunset was… she was his girlfriend. 

Even if someone else made her laugh and smile, it couldn’t dare take away from the fact that she decided to embrace him as her lover, right? Was it wrong to want Sunset’s laugh and smile all for himself? He knew it wasn’t fair to want that, not when she had Saeran and Saeray, too. They loved her just as much as he did; That fact was undeniable. They loved her more than life itself! 

The time he spent with her was just as meaningful as the time they spent with her, and she would never think to praise one of them over another because there were different kinds of love to be experienced and shared, but he—

But, Ray couldn’t deny he desperately yearned to experience what it felt like to be the only one Sunset adored. He wanted to be the reason she smiled, laughed, giggled, and sang.

He wanted to know what it felt like to inspire her, to shape her worldview, and to watch as she learned something new about herself that she only could’ve known thanks to him. Back then, when he was tormented in Mint Eye’s suffocating march, she’d been the only spark in his world that made it all feel worth it. 

If he was the darkness that existed on a moonless night, then she was the star to greet him at sunrise. She was the reason that the sun would not only rise but set, as well. If darkness tried to snuff out his hope for a better tomorrow, he knew he could turn his head and see her smiling face and realize there would always be a reason to survive for the next day. 

When Ray felt as though there was nothing meant for him in this world, he looked to Sunset and thanked whatever powers that be for putting her in front of him. She was everything he could’ve ever hoped for in this world and… he screwed it up by deceiving her on day one. She trusted him, blindly, even if every part of her body told her to think twice, and he nearly allowed himself to pour poisonous ichor down her throat from his lips to sweeten the acid. It was that trust that made him feel wanted in a way no one else could, but her trust nearly allowed him the chance to destroy her beyond recognition. 

It haunted him whenever he saw the light diminish from her eyes on a rainy day. Even if he wasn’t the source of her sadness. His eyes fell to the ground as Sunset continued her light-hearted conversation with both Minji and Jaehee, determined not to interrupt her and the laughter their warmth inspired.

What if he wasn’t good enough? What if being around Minji reminded her of what it felt like to be with someone who wasn’t afraid of his own shadow? What if she realized she didn’t have to wait for him to learn how to be a stronger man? 

“Minji and I figured the next time we saw you in person would be at the grand opening of your shop. I do hope that’s coming along well,” Jaehee said.  “Saeyoung mentioned he would have a private opening before you open to the public as well, do you have any idea when that might be? He’s certainly gotten better about letting us know when he’s up to something in advance but… given what I’d heard from So about his work ethic the other day…” 

Sunset waved her hand. “I’ll have to get back to you about that. But, it won’t be too much longer before I have a concrete date I can share with everyone. There are a few more finishing touches I have to take care of, but thank you for your continued and vested interest.” 

“It’s because Jae wants to offer our services for catering if we have a small party,” Minji added. There was a playful wink that came with those words as she covered her mouth to laugh. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just not too often we get to have fun with everyone like that, and we’ve added a few new items to the menu in honor of…” 

Their voices droned on but they made no sense to Ray. He was too swept up in his old worries as they crept closer and closer to the forefront of his mind. He hated them.

He hated those feelings because they stood in the way of him growing beyond his bubble… kept him from realizing there was more to the world than those he knew he was safest with… because if his ugliest of intrusive thoughts were breached the surface, he knew it wouldn’t be long before everyone saw the green monster lurking just beneath his bright eyes. 

He didn’t want them to know just how pitiful he was… not when they all thought he’d grown past the angry hacker who wanted to destroy those who were happy while he was forced to suffer. 

“I’m sorry, we have to get going now,” he eventually heard Sunset say as he was dragged from his stupor. She interacted their fingers together and gave a polite wave to send the couple on their way. “It was lovely seeing the two of you. Ray and I have to get home to make dinner before it gets dark.” 

———

Ray didn’t know if she sent them away for his sake, or if she decided she was tired after their long day of searching through clothing racks to find the perfect outfit. But, what he did know was that she decided to never let go of his hand, not even on the drive back to their home. 

As soon as they arrived home, Sunset wasted no time in helping Ray get changed from his day clothes into comfortable pajamas. It would be easy to say she realized something was bothering him from how tenderly she cradled him in her arms, but she held Ray as close as she would any other day.

The sweater that clung to his frame dwarfed him as she led him to flop down on the couch so she could prepare their hot chocolate. He felt tiny and unsure of himself, so much so that he hadn’t said a single word to her since they left the underground mall. 

I hope she doesn’t think it’s her fault, he thought. As he rubbed his sleeve against his face to push back any tears that dared to come forward, he paused to ask himself if that top belonged to her or him originally, only to realize it didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

She once told him that there was no reason to separate their things, what was his was hers, and what was hers was his. 

In a way, it was a subtle choice that said: I belong to you. 

By the time she returned, she placed their matching mugs on the table and rolled over onto the couch, shifting her hips apart so he could lay between them and rest his head atop her chest. It was his very position, the one that brought him the most peace, but as Sunset ran her fingers through his hair, he couldn’t help but quiver and bury his face in her shirt.

There was nothing wrong with showing his tears in front of her, but he felt so ashamed of himself for being jealous over something as simple as her laughter with that considerate woman she used to date. 

Sunset’s lips found the top of his head. She always kissed him there, determined to get rid of his monsters by smothering them with love at the source. “What’s eating at you, Ray? You’ve been quiet for a while… is it something you feel comfortable talking to me about, or would you rather wait to discuss the problem later?”

“I’m having unfair thoughts,” he whispered. 

“What makes them unfair?” 

He dug his fists into the fabric of her shirt. “I’m being selfish again… I want to be the only person who knows how to make you laugh like that, even though I understand wanting to be the only person who makes you happy… isn’t that different from how close I came to caging you in a dollhouse for the rest of our lives. I can’t possess you… you’re not a doll I can covet on a shelf. You’re my perfect Sunset, and I’m lucky to be your Ray. But, you’re not only mine… you’re beloved by so many people… not just… Saeran and Saeray and…”

Not fair. 

He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over this time. They came forward in a wave, crashing over his shores before he knew how to set up sandbags to keep the water from flooding her city streets.

It wasn’t fair for him to want something like that, even if she understood where those feelings were coming from, but his heart yearned to be one of her most beloved things. He wanted to know he was special! 

In a cowering breath, he managed, “You were loved by someone before you met me… I’m not the only person you’ve ever loved… and I’m not the first person you’ve loved. Isn’t it twisted of me to want to be the only one? I don’t want to force you to only be with me… or make you feel bad for having such a beautiful heart. But, it hurts… I wish that it didn’t hurt when Minji made you laugh. I know you’re not going to go back to her, and she would never try to sweep you out of our arms, but my stupid thoughts—” 

Sunset gently shushed his tears. She held him that much closer, that much deeper into her arms so that he could listen to the sound of her heartbeat and know it was as real as he was.

“Ray, I love you… and I’ll say that as many times as you need to hear it. It’s not shameful to have intrusive thoughts… We all experience thoughts that go against what we believe in, and what matters is how you react to them instinctively. The fact that it makes you feel sick after you think about it… shows how far you’ve come.” 

How far I’ve come? He thought.

“I know you would never try to purposefully make me feel bad, Ray. Just because you have thoughts that make you feel this shameful doesn’t mean you actually want to act on them. God knows I’ve had my fair share of intrusive thoughts… there were times in Magenta when I would think about how badly I wanted to hurt Rika, even though I’m not the violent type. Some of those thoughts were dark, too. I didn’t enjoy them, but at the time, it was the only catharsis I had in going against her until we found a way to get out,” she murmured. 

Sunset had those thoughts, too? His wonderful princess had been plagued by thoughts that made her feel sick to her stomach. She knew what it felt like to have a thought that went against everything she stood for. It didn’t make sense, but as he lifted his head to meet her soulful eyes, he knew she was telling the truth. It was hard to imagine it. She seemed so perfect, but in embracing reality, he had to realize somewhere along the line that perfect wasn’t what he saw in Sunset.

It was her confidence to keep her head up at the first sign of danger! 

He looked away, “So, you don’t think I’m a bad person for thinking these things?”