#gammamonkin

I get it, I killed another digimon. But that guy was literally a serial killer, how could I have let a guy like that go? He would’ve just kept going, until there was nothing left. I get it, they want to avoid killing and hurting digimon. I do too, trust me, even if I killed that guy I would’ve rather not! But sometimes a dangerous threat has to be killed, and they needed to understand that. Sealsdramon would’ve stopped at nothing.

I feel horrible for hurting Jellymon and Angoramon. Those were-- are my friends. Even if I said that we aren’t friends, that’s not true, I was lying to myself. In my case, I didn’t stop bc sudden memory of Bokomon, I stopped bc I realized I was about to seriously injure or maybe even kill the only two digimon who saw me as a friend, and re-absorbing the energy from Dark Pales caused me to pass out and revert to Rookie.

Maybe I wasn’t as whole as I thought, I guess, considering I find myself kind of jealous of how they treat me as Gammamon, vs how they treat me as, well, me. We aren’t truly separate, but neither truly whole, I guess.

It hurts to see everyone so fearful of me. I’m sorry. I just want to be friends. I want them to see ME as a friend. Not just the Gammamon part. But the whole of me. I just hope that my memories of protecting my friends when they needed me the most prove themselves true to source. I want to see myself protect them. I still remember how surprised they were - how Kiyo and Ruli were screaming as I shielded them, how surprised and almost fearful Hiro looked at me when I hovered over his two friends, easily capable of taking them out if I wanted to (I didn’t), how I saved Jellymon and Angiramon from a devastating attack, which cost me most of my own energy and could’ve well cost me my life, how they were in such complete disbelief at my actions.

It took time after that, I think, but I think they became less afraid and more trusting again. I sure hope that was the case.