#gainingindependence

When you hear the word “abuse”, what do you think of?

I, myself, picture black eyes and bruises. I picture blue and red flashing lights. I picture terrified eyes and mouse-like behavior.

Those are examples of what I was taught to recognize as abuse.

I never would have pictured it as crying myself to sleep - every. single. night.

I never pictured abuse as begging and pleading to be loved by someone who was so clearly supposed to do so naturally.

I never pictured it as constant stress. Never pictured hating and dreading the weekends.

I most certainly never in a million years pictured it as being too scared to be pregnant by my partner, so scared I could never love the child of the man who wrecked me.

It’s invisible abuse. The kind that ruins the spirit, the heart, and the mind. It’s poison.

So real and so ignored.

So criticized by the rest of the world so it becomes a joke, nonexistent.

That might be why it took me so long to accept it in the first place. 

This is real. And this is not okay.

This is Day One. This is the day I accept what is happening and this is the day that I decide to change my future.

I am a mother of 3 beautiful kids. I am a daughter of the Most High King. I am beauty and grace and I will kick you in the face.

My goal is to document this journey - my decision to leave my abuse boyfriend, the man I thought I was supposed to marry. 

My hope is that somewhere down the line, I can look back and see all that I had accomplished and remember not to falter. I can do all things through Christ and I can’t wait to see what he has in store for me.

My hope is that someone else will come across my musings and find the will and strength to pull themselves out of their situation.