#gabnonymous

there was a point in time where i listened to sakura miko singing the ark boat song for an entire day straight during online classes

and so i doodled how it felt

unfortunate. really.

the app itself was dogshit, yeah, but it kinda stings knowing all that history is gone.

my internet birthplace is now lost to the sands of internet time. poetic. i tried archiving my amino account but i can't be bothered to look for it, at least as of writing this.

i think what pains is me the most is the fact i can never properly celebrate the 10th year anniversary of the community I came from; the animation squad amino.

i would've never gotten this far if it wasn't for the people i met there.

i figured that this was gonna happen eventually. so in the scenario that someone brings it up, this post will be here... hopefully forever.

so... what is this? does it have a name? a personality? a style???

to put it simply, it's quite literally the first thing you'd expect it to be; it's a logo. it was designed to be a logo, nothing else. i didn't even give a name to it, other than "the gabnonymous logo".

the only thing it really represents, is my name, "gab".

the idea was to try and combine all the three letters into one symbol, a symbol anyone could do; a timeless symbol that could stand out, while still maintaining it's purpose.

the cool thing about the style i chose for the logo was the mere fact that it wasn't influenced by any trends, or anything contemporary. if i'm lucky enough i wouldn't even think about redesigning this logo. i really wanted a logo that i could stick with for the rest of my life, pretty much.

i can't give an exact date as to when this logo was made, but i can say it was made around mid-to-late 2022. i managed to find a page in one of my notebook-turned-sketchbooks that contained it's early versions and quite possibly, the first time the logo was ever conceived.

of course, with time, i refined the overall composition of the logo itself (i.e raising the top part of the inner circle so that it doesn't make contact with the outer circle).

once i had the version of the logo i was comfortable with, instead of using it as a logo, i started using it as a signature. this was evident throughout some of the sketches and comics i made in some of my other notebooks-turned-sketchbooks.

it wasn't until the creation of the gabnonymous youtube channel where i considered using the symbol as a logo instead of a signature.

the first time i used the logo as part of a video's intro was in my tribute video to technoblade:

this version of the logo, and a majority of the elements used in that video was made with a free newgrounds app named "shake art DELUXE".

after this video, i started using the channel's original, low quality version of the logo as the intro, which only really consisted of two different frames. the logo didn't achieve it's signature "wiggle" yet.

i should also mention that this version of the logo was made with krita, and it was originally supposed to be my profile picture for the live streaming platform, kick.

this version would be featured in, two videos.

with the release of my "a new era" video. the signature gabnonymous logo was born.

this version consists of two things; the now animated gabnonymous logo, in which all 3 frames were drawn in krita once again, and the font... which was also made with krita.

i love krita.

i would use this intro up to this day, well into transitioning into anime skit content.

i don't see myself updating this intro for the time being, but when given the opportunity, with better tools and experience, maybe i'll revise it, probably... i dunno. it's too iconic.

to end this off, here's a tutorial i made myself on how to make the gabnonymous logo, step by step. enjoy.

man... where do i even start?

i thought i'd make this post for the few people who've been wondering as to what i've been doing this past month. i've also been wanting to post on here for a while now.

nonstop studying

it shouldn't come as a surprise for some to know that i take my studies, somewhat seriously, though if i had the choice to pursue my studies or make videos, i'd probably take the latter just because its so much easier for me to do. i kmow studying is better for me in "the long run", but at this point it's been draining too much of my self-esteem... who thought it'd be a great idea to throw 10th grade math problems towards an art student who hasn't touched math in a year?

but no. i've been studying nonstop to take multiple college entrance exams throughout this year. the cool thing about being an asian is that you're required to go to college, or you'll starve on the streets... at least that's what my family's been telling me everytime they see my failing scores in my diagnostic exams... completely disregarding the fact i got an award for being an honor student a week prior.

after taking my first college entrance exam, paired with the fact i haven't gotten proper sleep in a while... my eye started twitching. i might be making it a much bigger deal than it is, especially now that it's stopped twitching for a while now... it still bugs me. doesn't help knowing i've had consistent headaches every time i wake up since then.

don't get me wrong, i'm grateful to have the resources i have for me to have a "good studying environment"... but man, i really wish i could do things differently, because who would've guessed that online classes don't help me in the slightest, and i can't even go against taking those classes because my family paid a shit ton of money for the course. it just feels like i have to take these classes instead of actually gaining something.

dwindling social life

i haven't opened up about this before, since it's still a relatively touchy subject, but i know that if i continue to keep it to myself for long, things aren't gonna get better either way.

following an inner conflict i had with a now-ex close friend after telling an inappropriate joke, followed by a brief emotional meltdown, i decided to voluntarily leave my friend group with the intention to try and grow as a person, alone.

and although i've apologised to everyone, and it's been a month since it happened, i still don't feel even remotely close to feeling comfortable being around the friend group anymore. ever since the incident, i've willingly isolated myself socially from anyone, trying my best to keep to myself and only ever interacting with people when they approach me, which sounds reasonable, but that also means having to spend long periods of time, with my own thoughts, inside of a classroom with people you feel scared to even look at.

i've been through therapy multiple times in my life, and have heard the same kind of advice time and time again from many people, and i have yet to see any significant progress towards my mental wellbeing for near close to a year now at this point. i know these kinds of situations require time... but there just comes a point where you start to wonder when that "time" will come.

i've tried virtually everything i could think of to try and combat my thoughts, with no improvement. it's come to a point where i've been intenting to see a psychologist just to try and get a concrete reason as to why i've been acting this way for this long... am i extremely anxious? am i depressed? or am i just a shitty person to be with?

sadly, if i do see a psychologist, it won't be till next year. so, i'll have to live with these thoughts through the following months.

life

who would've thought that my voice actors also go to school? that was sarcasm, by the way, i think it was pretty obvious.

i'm currently waiting for some of my voice actors to finish up their lines for an upcoming short. i was planning to have said short to be the first video to be uploaded onto the channel after a while... but by the looks of it, it might be the 2nd as i'm closing in on a gaming video i've recently finished recording for.

it sucks, but some things are simply out of my control. i don't like pressuring people to do what i want, so all i can really do, is wait. i just hope people do the same, even though it's been a while now.

conclusion (tldr, sort of)

i'm really sad and busy. school's been kicking my ass twice and i'm working on 3 videos at the same time.

am i happy? probably, i dunno. being stressed beats doing nothing, so, eh.

stay safe, yall.

i had a nightmare.

i don't usually make vent art, but the contents of that nightmare made me tremble when i woke up.

i haven't really slept all too well up until last week, but things haven't changed afterwards, this definitely alarmed me.

i won't go into detail as to what the contents of that nightmare were, as i've shared it to the people i wanted to share it to, and it doesn't really affect me anymore... or at least i hope it won't from now on.

i will say this,

i'm just grateful i have a good community around me, and i don't necessarily mean my channel (i highly doubt that my channel's big enough to have a "community"), but the people who cheer me on irl. i honestly don't know what i did to deserve the people in my life, but i wouldn't take any of them for granted.

just thinking about them makes me cry.

i remember back when i first started feeling real terrible, like the feeling of dread and emptiness. it was there i realized the only way for me to cope (at the time)... was to imagine all of my friends hugging me.

hugs mean so much to me, especially now. i spent the majority of the pandemic hugging pillows to compensate for my lack of hugs (my family would hug me every now and then, though... but what family doesn't?).

i don't know if that means i'm touch-starved, but whatever. i just like hugs.

in that moment of thought, i actually felt really happy. just the thought of everyone i ever known, cared and loved, surrounding me while i try figuring out how to get out of the rabbit hole i fell into.

honestly, i think i might need that image right now.

i haven't done one of these in a while, mainly because i've just been enjoying my christmas break relaxing back home. it's nice to just, not do anything for an entire day, y'know?

physically, i'm probably at my most relaxed, but DAMN AM I CONFUSED ON WHAT TO DO NEXT.

for context, my latest oshi no ko skit, as shown below, JUST HIT 20 THOUSAND VIEWS.

this is by far my most viewed video.

i'm happy to say that i've shared this victory with the cast, promptly named "bread-komachi".

not only that, but the gabnonymous channel is about to hit a thousand subscribers... I AM NOT GOING TO USE TONE INDICATORS BECAUSE MY EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW???? THEY'RE FLARING UP, I'M SO EMOTIONAL THAT A MERE TONE INDICATOR ISN'T ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.

with all due respect, what the actual hell.

it should be noted that these things are happening all at once.

i don't think it's fully sunken in yet.

y'know, even as of writing this, i still can't believe it's all happening, TO ME. and i don't even think it'll change after new year rolls around.

it's clear to me that i haven't given myself time to fully process what's been happening, mainly due to me just, wanting to relax and enjoy my christmas break, which in return doesn't really allow me to fully relax because i haven't fully processed what's been happening, and now it's just this, entire cycle that can only really stop if i decide to stop doing one of the two things.

...am i making sense? i don't even know anymore

the solution is so straightforward, but i'm just so confused on what to do next. do i continue relaxing? do i continue working on the next video? do i work on a 1k subscriber special??? i don't even have one planned, and even if i did have one, it's nowhere near completion.

don't get me wrong, all of these bring me joy. i feel happy and at ease whenever i do either of these things, but my main problem is just, i don't know what to do first.

quite frankly, that's the main thing that's stressing me the hell out.

i never planned for things to go this quickly. i'm not sure if i talked about this in my previous posts, but i really do appreciate slow growth, this is due to me just wanting a solidified community; my own niche.

i wanna create a community that just, revolves around my interests, and i don't think i can really achieve that if things go too quickly.

i know that deep down, that i can't keep doing skits forever. i never planned for my life to go that route, and i don't think it'll change. (i still do have plenty of skit ideas i wanna work on, though.)

eventually, i just want to continue doing what i truly love, animation. maybe a little gaming on the side.

...

...man, i went completely out of topic there, huh? i guess that's what i get for being confused.

i am thankful, though. i really am. i wouldn't trade any of this for anything.

it's been one of my aspirations from the beginning, to be recognized for my work, which i think is a goal a lot of artists share.

and, i just can't believe it's happening to me, of all people.

the memories and visions of all my fellow artists who never made it all come flooding back, it's like i feel guilty for having this opportunity be given to me.

i might be playing this whole experience too highly, i mean compared to a lot of artists, a thousand subscribers is small, but i've never desensitized on the idea of a thousand being a "small number." a thousand people, supporting me? i was happy with a hundred people, but now it's just overwhelming.

i remember saying to myself just how excited i am for the future. the pain i went through to finally get to where i am. it almost feels, terrifying to know that i'm actually living that future i've always dreamed of.

i know life will continue to present me challenges in the future, and i'll change. my goals might not be the same 10 years from now. but i know that there'll always be one thing deep down that'll stay constant throughout my life.

i'll keep hoping.

i'll continue dreaming, envisioning things for the future, and thinking of better days.

maybe one day i'll stand among the greats, to be one of my peers i looked up to growing up.

maybe i'll actually go through my dream of opening up my own multi-media studio.

maybe i'll meet up with everyone i've ever known online.

only time will tell, as they say.