#g.u.f.f.

Subject LAUGHING DEATH is a pistol-sized firearm-morphic organic lifeform found in what is believed to be one of the areas where the [REDACTED] Wars intersect to our existence. Subject is believed to be part of a mass-produced range of guns, as its genetic composition bears teltale sequences similar to Subjects [REDACTED] which are also 96% likely to be linked to such a war

Subject is a firearm that consumes organic material and metallic tissues to produce strains of organic ordinance, to be fired and used for termination of living organisms.

NOTATION TO G.U.F.F. STAFF: Subject is to only be fed through proxy means such as mechanical arms. G.U.F.F. will not be held responsible for loss of digits or limbs.

At regular intervals, subject is to be fed only three-fourths nonsentient animal protein and one fourth metallic substances. Variations in diet must be approved by the G.U.F.F. for the purposes of testing. DO NOT LET IT CONSUME FLESH BELONGING TO SENTIENT OR ANOMALOUS ORGANISMS. TESTING ON SUCH IS SEVERELY RESTRICTED.

Subject is also to be regularly tested at least once a week on G.U.F.F.-approved anomalous firing range. Subject’s ballistics must be observed for variations in composition and effects due to diet. Human substitutes will be provided for these tests.

END NOTATION

Subject is notable for its wid variety of producable “ammunition”, its cartilaginous composition seeming to be able to stretch to [REDACTED] times its size to contain its ammunition. Tests are to be released, eventually.

 Subject’s intelligence is minimal, though it is reported to produce a sound that members of the organization analogize to “laughter” when entities around it are injured or when it is fed.

SO YEAH, always gotta have a horrible organic gun in one’s anomalous crud collection! I’m proud of the design I made, tho less so of the actual concept.

Do I overdo the idea of weapons-with-lots-of-variation? Like, legit, I’m curious, because it is a fav trope but I do worry I overdo it.

And, as with all of my G.U.F.F. stuff, this entry is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY-Vanilla license so long as I; Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator!

The WARDUMMY was an earily attempt at designing a mechanized soldier for the purposes of war; one of the first designed by the U.S. government using wholly mechanical; non paranatural phenomenae; designed to be tele-electronically animated from a “core” central processor.

This model contains gyroscopic mechanisms for stabilization and miniaturized hydraulics for propulsion, with two “hands” that roughly function as dextrous appendages and can be replaced with firearm attachment/usage mechanisms.

The most impressive mechanisms are contained in the head, comtaining two highly advanced miniaturized televisual cameras; a high-fi speaker and speech synthesizer, and a glistening “reciever dome” for contact.

The prototype was abandoned due to the extensive costs of production and issues with functionality compared to traditional soldiers. Its mechanisms were durable, but prone to breakage outside of artificial settings; and its physical strength and stability beyond its usage of firearms were below average even at peak condition.

It was given to the G.U.F.F. as a “present” despite its seemingly non-anomalous nature. It has been used as a conduit for contact with computer and electrically-based subjects due to its low functionality; as a telemetrically operated manipulator of unknown subjects; and as a mechanism for deeply; deeply stupid pranks.

Through its usage in our programs; it has gained a singular anomalous property by unknown aggregate  means. It is currently indestructable, durable beyond conventional and many anomalous means; and if destroyed or lost will appear immediately afterwards in foundation custody.

It has been called our “mascot” by many members, and this writer would not contradict that...

So, yeah, I couldn’t quite figure out anything super-creative for this hypothetical-warbot. So I decided to make ‘em the Foundation’s equivalent to Buster from Mythbusters!

As with the other G.U.F.F. stuff, this entry is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY Vanilla 4.0 License as long as I, Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as the creator when you do so!

Subject speculated to be SPACE FLEA FROM NOWHERE, known as EARTH ANGLE. Subject has been found hovering outside of an abandoned lighthouse in [REDACTED], also known as Outpost-QT due to the residence of Subject [REDACTED] in that area; thanks to the Foundation’s inability to move it due to its imprisonment in [REDACTED]

The entity vocalyzes on a cycle of midnight to dawn. Vocalizations appear to be non-anomalous; aside from secondary neural resonances allowing “hearing without hearing,” as the location’s psychics has described it, with seemingly no secondary purpose beyond such, though further testing is required before public release.

Physical contact with the entity is not advised, neither “cloud” nor unseen . Effects on internal physiology are similar to effects on the internal architecture of the building in the Parks And Recreation Incident. Those who have been affected appear to show no ill physical signs, but fears of secondary issues regarding such treatments require us to warn both our staff and the public.

EARTH ANGLE appears fixated on the secondary subject in residence in this area, due to observed reactions when attempts are made to study the entity. Attempts at communication with EARTH ANGLE have been unsuccessful, but our staff is attempting to find a means of such.

The subject-in-residence appears to give no response to EARTH ANGLE’s vocalizations, except for on one incident on the date of [DATA EXPUNGED] where the subject-in-residence appeared to vocally harmonize with EARTH ANGLE until its ceasing upon the dawn.

This event has not been repeated. The causes of that specific event are currently under investigation by the G.U.F.F.

As per usual, the image came first and the story came later, though the arc-welding concept of it to the Parks and Recreation incident was a whim during the production process. And god do I hope this isn’t too derivative of its inspirations, if you can guess what those are.

As with the other G.U.F.F. stuff, this entry is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY Vanilla 4.0 License as long as I, Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as the creator when you do so!

Subject KUBLA KHAN is an immensely useful instrument that is NOT TO BE WORN FOR MORE THAN TWENTY FOUR HOURS, AND NOT MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK!

Subject is a mask whose main surface is constructed of hypercubically-fragmented crystal composed of 90% an evenly-mixed compound of quartz; gold; copper and [REDACTED]; and an unknown contaminant constituting the other 10%. The lenses appear to be of identical composition, but with the Unknown Contaminant increased to twenty percent.

Inscribed on the mask is the phrase “PORLOCK,” the meaning of this unknown aside from probable vague literary references.

The mask appears to cause visions of a “great work” to the wearer; alongside instructions for its completion. If the tools are unavailable; the wearer will attempt to acquire them within reason. This effect appears to not be compulsive but coersive; and in our testing has not resulted in operations harmful to the user or others.

80% of the time, the work appears to be non-anomalous but of apex quality for its type. The other 20% appears to be anomalous. The work in question is often related to the context of the mask’s use and its user, with a particular attraction to repairing anomalous objects. The twenty percent chance may cause additional anomalies to surface in the repaired objects; so be cautious.

If the mask worn over twenty four hours, crystals will begin to form inside the user’s body.

These crystals appear to be made of the same material as the mask; and may cause gruesome internal injuries. The mask will begin physically exerting force on the individual in increased amounts during this period to eject itself off of the wearer unless physically restrained onto the face.

Many individuals attempt to keep the mask on for beyond the twenty four hours in our experimentation, due to the difficulties of accomplishing their task in such a time.

But, the G.U.F.F. does not; repeat does not allow this; and will attempt to excise the mask from the use by any means possible.

Also, it must be stated, DO NOT USE ANY MENTAL-PROJECTION-GRANTING SUBJECTS WITH THE MASK. WE DO NOT WANT A REPEAT OF LAST TIME!

So yeah, here’s one o those G.U.F.F. entries I previewed on Patreon! And, yes I made the design first, the story second.

Because the glittering surface of the mask made me thing of the “pleasure domes” as well as the line “And all should cry, Beware! Beware!/His flashing eyes, his floating hair!“ I decided to use that as the name. The rest wrote itself from there based on the history of that poem!

As with the other G.U.F.F. stuff, this entry is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY Vanilla 4.0 License as long as I, Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as the creator when you do so!

OFFICIAL DOCUMENTS:

STATEMENT OF INTRODUCTION

COMMEMORATING GEORGE 3.14159

SUBJECTS:

BOOK OF THE KNOWN

NEO-BABYLON

TATE-FAIRCHILD MACHINE

PARKS AND RECREATION INCIDENT

ASPIC TOWER POSTCARD

SOUL BOMB

WISHING SKULL

LEVIATHAN BANNER

LOBSTERMEN

PAINTING TITLED ONLY SOMEWHERE

VOREHEAD

NECROSOL PETROGLYPH

DANGERZONE

FORBIDDEN VENDER

THUNDERBEAST

BRAIN OF THE EARTH

ASCENT ENGINE

LAUGHING DEATH

LOONEY PARK

JESTER STAR

THE HARLEQUIN OF STARS

BROADCAST TEST SCHEME

KUBLA KHAN!

REAL GO-GETTER

EARTH ANGLE

MOON KOBOLDS

ECCE TORMENTUM

YIFF OLIMPIA

BRIGHT ICE

PORKY

WARDUMMY

HEAT HAZE MANOR

MORE DOCUMENTATION AND BETTER ORGANIZATION TO FOLLOW.

SUBJECT ECCE TORMENTUM is not to be diplomatically engaged with in any circumstances. Subject was formerly soldier in Second Iraq War. Name, records and dog-tags sealed for known memetohazard.

According to memetohazard decoders; subject had record of actions that would be considered violations of humanitarian law, including killing of civillians; torture; use of false flagging for the killing of civillians; theft and use of unauthorized/illegal weapons; [REDACTED] and [REDACTED].

This was all authorized under the orders of his commander; by the name of [REDACTED], who was himself acting on orders recieved “from the top” in interrogation. Subject’s combat record was considered “exemplary” by commander, and in the process of finding aforementioned criminal actions

Subject’s mutation began after cranial/hand injury from an IED. Subjects weapon appeared to fuse to both pieces of tissue upon inspection by field medics. Over twenty-four hours it appears that CLASS-[REDACTED] biomechanical fusion occurred between subject and surrounding weaponry; how and why is unknown.

Photograph was taken at “gunpoint” as subject hijacked arsenal of the base for the purposes of integration. Subject has been apprehended six times by G.U.F.F. officials. Subjects escapes are believed to be at the interference of secondary governmental agencies such as the CIA; and more specifically their branches of [REDACTED]. Subject is currently at large.

Subject is currently believed to be hybridized form of human tissue and firearm. Observation has show that they do not appear to require nutritional sustenance, nor do they appear to experience fatigue or require “re-loading”.

Subject expresses ability to shoot ammo of types in the double digits from fused form; and to integrate additional components of weaponry into their system for a duration of twenty-four hours.

Subject’s personality appears to be one of ruthless efficiency, with no goal beyond maximizing casualties. Subject is capable of speech; from unknown sources; percieved as “surrounding” them. SPEECH IS CLASSIFIED AS CLASS [REDACTED] MEMETOHAZARD, DO NOT LISTEN WITHOUT MEMETIC PROTECTION!

MEMETOHAZARD MAY CAUSE BLACKOUT; MENTALLY TRAUMATIC STRESS OR IN EXTREME CASES BIOMECHANICAL MUTATION. IF THE MUTATION HAS STARTED; TAKE THE WHITE PILL OR HAVE A CO-AGENT ADMINISTER IT TO YOU. DEATH IS A GIFT COMPARED TO TRANSMOGRIFICATION INTO SECONDARY SPECIMEN!

Secondary Specimens at-large have been spotted at [REDACTED] locations. Further research standing by.

So, yeah, demented soldier fused with their gun into a murderborg. The most AMURICAN G.U.F.F. entry in a while, amirite folks?

As with the other G.U.F.F. stuff, this entry is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY Vanilla 4.0 License as long as I, Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as the creator when you do so!

Subject DANGERZONE; shown here in an injured state, appears to be techno-organic being mimetically similar to a SR-71 Blackbird.

Seemingly metallic coating is in actuality carbon-based, and appears to provide protection from aerial Fortean beings, most notably the Atmospheric Beasts it seems to hunt. It does not appear to land, with its coating harnessing secondary energy from the sun to allow it to do so.

It appears to have a “blast” akin to the Bombadier Beetle, which it uses in defense against larger entities such as [REDACTED], but also combines with foreign objects swallowed to create “missiles” analogous to an explosive owl pellet.

It appears to be a singular specimen, though it has exhibited what staff biologists have called “Parental” behavior towards aerial vessels attempting to photograph it, moving to intercept an attack by [REDACTED] in the instance in which that photograph was taken and then seemingly taking pieces of the [REDACTED]’s corpse and attempting to “feed” them to the vessel.

These are the only known scientific samples the G.U.F.F. has been able to acquire of [REDACTED]

Unknown whether the being is artificial in origin, has an accellerated evolution, or was itself the basis for the design of the Blackbird, due to lack of data-sharing and mutual mistrust between the G.U.F.F. and the U.S. Armed Services.

Relation to the Black Helicopters unknown, but mutual enmity has been shown in the interactions of both species...

Yep, another G.U.F.F. thing!

And boy am I terrified that one of these days my stuff for the G.U.F.F. will get picked apart and people’ll talk about how blatant where I got the original pic from was! But oh well! C’est la vie!

Subject: THUNDERBEAST is unknown in designation of threat level. Manifestations statistically coincide with [REDACTED] levels of meteorological electrical discharge, but it is unknown whether the entity causes them or necessitates them to manifest, or possibly both.

Entity discharges electricity towards mobile entities adjacent to it, but does not seem to intentionally cause harm towards entities it recognizes as “living,” often avoiding them as possible. Speculated to be either a threat display or for “ritualistic purposes” as proposed by Doctor Susans.

Classification as Kaiju-Class Entity disputed amongst G.U.F.F. personell for various reasons. After fortuitous appearance at INCIDENT: CORMAN, attempts have been made at utilizing meteorological phenomenae to induce manifestations against malevolent Kaiju-Class Entities.

Results were mixed at best. Entity appears to have gained no long-term injuries from manifestations, and gained no worse disposition towards G.U.F.F. personnel.

Negative disposition against Doctor Susans existed previously and is to not be counted as such, despite petitioning from Doctor Susans who is of ill temperament against the entity.

So, yep, it’s a giant thunderbeast! Brought to you by Ray Harryhausen actually; sorta! In that I used a pic of the surprisingly intimidating Big Bad Wolf puppet from his fallen-into-the-public-domain Red Riding Hood adaptation as a “base” for the Thunderbeast!

And, yes, Doctor Susans will show up later, because she’s got an interesting backstory implied by the name/where she’s showing up...