#fvntimcs

Your daughter, she’s cute. The boys talk about her all the time, you might think I’m mad, that I cry to avoid speaking about her, but I don’t. There’s that photo Ollie took on his phone, of all of them at the beach when you took them during the Summer, it’s on our fridge, Finn always raves about his baby sister, Theo always asks me if he could have another sister. They love her, which is great and whatever makes our boys happy, makes me happy right?

 Speaking of Ollie, you know he has a photo of us at our wedding as his wallpaper, he doesn’t know I know, but he does. It makes me sad, this divorce has broken and upset us all but he has taken it the worst. He was such a great student, he was always thriving and he’s coming up to his senior year soon, which makes me scared because he has never been like this. I explained to his teachers, we both have and he just, he’s so different now. He’s more short tempered, disobedient, isn’t doing as well at school and I feel like it’s all my fault, you know? 

I love our sons, so much they are the best thing to ever happen to me. Everything was worth it, our happy little family. Why the hell did it just disappear? You fought so hard to keep this family together but, what did I do? I didn’t fight. I gave up. I didn’t want to give up but I did. You were the love of my life, Nate, you still are. I feel like the divorce was meant to be something, divorce is meant to make you feel free and like the weight of your world is off your shoulders but, why does it feel worse? I feel like everything is so much worse and that it’s all my fault. 

It’s been 645 days since we last had a proper conversation about life. I count the days it’s been because I play that night in my head every single day, rethinking all the things I could of said, could of done. I should of hugged you and told you it was going to be okay, but instead I pushed you away and slammed a door in your face. I replay that night in my head because, I could of changed it, I wish I could of changed it. I wish I could go back to when we started to drift apart and just tell us to snap out of it, we were so happy, so in love, what happened? I think, the reason why I was so angry and so mad at you was because I thought there was another chance for us, because apart of me knows that somewhere there is still a little part of me that belongs to you. 

I see your face, everyday. It haunts me I see your face in our sons, I see it in the wedding photos I refused to touch and put away, I see you when I drop the boys off or when you come to pick them up, at PTA meetings, I cherish every civil conversation we have, because I miss the times we would sit down together and talk about life, our future. I love you, so much and I don’t think I could ever stop loving you, no matter how hard I try. I still wear our wedding ring on my neck, I still wear your initial around my neck, my friends tell me I need to move on but I feel like it’s physically impossible, like something is just dragging me back everytime I try to tell myself I hate you. 

I miss my best friend who turned into my boyfriend, the father of my children, my husband. I miss how everything used to be and who we were. I know we are the same Nate and Gigi as we always have been, but I feel like we’re too scared to even try. I miss kissing you, miss hugging you or playing with your hair or fixing your shirt before you go to work. I miss it all. You supported me through the hardest times in my life, my father disowning me, my pregnancy with Ollie, college, when I had a breakdown over the flowers being wrong before our wedding, my parents divorce and I wish I could just pay you back for the wonderful things you did for me, but instead I broke your heart and acted ungrateful for everything you did. 

I love you. Please know I love you and that I don’t think you’re anything other than amazing. I adore you, I always have and I always will, despite everything that has happened. Please kiss my boys for me and Charlotte too, I know Charlotte doesn’t have a mother figure in her life but just know she’s loved too.