#future fears

After months of careful planning, the day had finally arrived. Emily stood at the entrance of her new apartment building, taking in the fresh scent of the crisp autumn air. She had always been a city girl, but the hustle and bustle of the big city had become too much for her. She needed a change, a fresh start, and that was exactly what she was going to get.Emily had left her old life behind – a…

“The obstacle is the way. I will not be defeated by difficulties, but will use them as opportunities to grow and become stronger. I will not complain about what I lack, but will make use of what I have. I will focus on the present moment and not let past regrets or future fears control me. I will strive to be content with what I have, and work towards achieving excellence in all that I do.” -Ryan…

How will I date in the future?  

I am not a fan of the whole online dating thing because I am not a fan of the whole online identity thing (aside from exposing my soul on Tumblr, of course). The dating landscape has changed exponentially in the last six years.  I was not skilled at it at any time in the past.  And now that I know almost all my friends’ friends and acquaintances, that avenue seems a bit difficult to walk.  Six years ago, all of those connections were still so new and unexplored.  

How will I love in the future? 

Will I be more or less open?  I am now 30 years old and think I have a better idea of what I want and need in a relationship.  But I am still a highly cautious person, and most other people generally suck.  Will it be easier for me to open my heart because it has already happened, and I know the happy feelings and exhilaration that come from it?  Or will I be mired in the past and resort to the days of stonewalling any and every thing. (Obviously this is up to me and my choices.)  Will I be constantly thinking of the end?  Will my mind change about marriage and starting a family?   And if it does not change, how will I balance the “serious” relationship with one that does not involve the aforementioned components?  I’m sure there are men who have a similar disposition, but will I find one, and one who is compatible with me? 

How will I grow comfortable with someone again? 

It was such a long process, and he was a friend of a trusted friend.  I never really had to worry about the stranger danger thing. 

How does hooking up work now that I have my own house? 

I am not inviting just any old John back to my sanctuary I have been building for the last year. But then I can’t go back to a stranger’s home.  That’s just scary and dangerous. (Obviously, it depends for how long I know this “stranger,” but still.  Strangers take a long time to become my acquaintance.)

How can I both protect and share my heart? 

Is doing both even possible? 

I’m terrified of having children. I can’t handle the pain, pressure, and stress of having a kid and they’re not gonna go light on me, I just know it’s not a fight i’m gonna be able to avoid eventually.

grape blood fills the cup numbing the soul to sorrow until tomorrow

Kim M. Russell, 2017

Image found on slideshare.net

My response to Carpe Diem #1232 past regrets and future fears

Today we are working with a quatrain in which one of the themes of The Rubaiyat recurs: wine and the drinking of wine.