Cassowary-Man
Smaug: I am fire . . . I, am death.
*inception horns ring out through the land, Bilbo teleports far faster than he can walk*
Bilbo: . . . What have we done?
???: Well, I'm sure you've just about let a town that once was destroyed by a Dragon, be destroyed by the same Dragon again. Simply because some Dwarves can't keep their hands off some good ol' gold.
Bilbo: Who are you, exactly?
???: I'm Cassowary-Man, bringer of obvious facts and here to raise awareness of the bird known as the Cassowary.
Bilbo: A . . . cassowary? Shouldn't you be helping to fight against Smaug that's about to destroy that town?
Cassowary-Man: Don't worry my little hairy-footed midget, I've dispatched an elite class of SAS Cassowary soldiers to deal with that.
Bilbo: SAS?
Cassowary-Man: Sanitarian Australian Snipers, of course.
Bilbo: Do I even need to ask?
Cassowary-Man: We like to keep our plumes clean.
Thorin: Sorry, I was too busy defiling my own family to come talk to you. Why is there a man with a cape standing on this rock?
Bilbo: Ask him that.
Cassowary-Man: I'm trying to spread awareness of the Cassowary, a vulnerable Australian bird, and why YOU should donate money to our cause, hash-tag save the cassowary.
Thorin: I don't have time for this. I'm going to find that Arkenstone.
Bilbo: Thorin, please. You're nephew is probably dying down there, in that town. Do you not want to save him?
Cassowary-Man: Am I intruding on this tension-building moment?
Bilbo: A bit, yes.
Cassowary-Man: Well, if you need me, here's my card.
He hands him a business card with a funny-looking bird plastered to the front.
Bilbo: Alright. Thanks. By the way, what's a tumble-er, it says something about it on your card?
Cassowary-Man: It will be the death of us all one day. But don't one worry, that's a different kind of death. Not like the one in that town. Anyway, goodbye!
Thorin: Damn bird-man. The Eagle-Lords had better send me his head after this time-wasting.
Bilbo: But what's a phone number?
