#funny though

Between Steve and the nurses, all of whom knew the finer details, Eddie was content to be a “guess who I saw at the ER, he cut the line” sort of story. The truth was far worse. 

On the surface, it looked like a simple little allergic reaction. The red splotchy skin, the wheezing breaths, and the shot he was given at the nurses station all seemed urgent and totally normal. Nothing weird or embarrassing to talk about. A comfort that was the only thing holding Eddie in his bed right now. It looked normal. 

Hell, it was because of peppermint! What said December more than peppermint? Gingerbread probably but it was certainly one of the top flavors of the season. No one would say “Gee, Eddie, why were you eating peppermint?” during this month. Again, it was all normal. So, totally normal. Could happen to anyone. 

More importantly they’d assume it was because he was eating it and not because stupid fucking jocks sat around locker rooms talking about the most insane sex tricks known to man. No 15 year old should be telling anyone fun things to try but apparently that’s all that happened after basketball practice. Thanks to that bullshit, Steve had this pavlovian response to the candy canes set up at the register to encourage impulse buys. 

He chucked a couple in with their order, gave a wink, and said he’d explain later. Eddie was so, so naive, so fucking unprepared. Happily, he said “sure” and shelled out the extra fifty cents for the jumbo sticks of red and white sugar. No way he could have known what trouble was about to befall him but of course it came from obeying a Steve Harrington wink. 

The first problem came from this being something Carol Perkins recommended. Not exactly Dr. Ruth or Penthouse but back in school, she did have experience. If Eddie were in Steve’s shoes, he’d have believed her too. Plus Steve had these pleading puppy dog eyes, already on his knees and promising it would be fun. Eddie was only human. 

A bit of peppermint was supposed to make oral sex feel better. Cripser? Eddie wasn’t entirely sure of the word for it but he felt he understood what Carol (and now Steve) was getting at. More than that, he wasn’t at all sure it’d work but this was incredibly harmless and tame. Worst case, he got a bit sticky and had a happy boyfriend. 

However the logistics of it weren’t well planned and Steve kept having to replenish the peppermint sensation in his mouth. Mints would have been way better but watching Steve suck off the red of that solid stick was hotter than Eddie expected. A couple of times he encouraged Steve to get a bit more so he could selfishly enjoy that show. 

It didn’t take long for Steve to figure it out. He was astute and Eddie was obvious, a lethal combo. So he put on a show. Maybe Carol was onto something after all. And sure, yeah, everything burned a little and his thigh itched a lot but burning was what they were going for. 

When he got a bit light headed and found it harder to breathe, he thought maybe the candy was something that was working for Steve and he was going to have Eddie seeing stars here. It’d never been too much before but this could have been the secret. 

Steve fussed and worried a little but they did a check in, shared some peppermint flavored kisses, and decided it was all a side effect of good head. A compliment, not a complaint, and with an inflated ego, Steve carried on. 

It got worse from there and not in a fun way. Now Eddie was sitting in a hospital gown desperate for the nurse to leave so he could unstick himself. There was no time to clean up once he started breathing like an old concrete mixer, rattling and in gasps. Steve pulled Eddie’s pants up for him and got him the hell out of the house. 

It’d almost be romantic were it not so scary. Were it not dried candy cane drool in his pants that he couldn’t do anything about. 

Breathing better and feeling a little less itchy, Eddie knew things were coming back to normal. He didn’t trust himself to walk yet though, everything still felt like it was floating around and weird. The nurse said that was normal and he needed to rest but Eddie could do that at home. Not only was that free but it was private.

Steve could help Eddie shower and then nap while Steve de-pepperminted the place. It would be an easy night, though far from the fun they’d intended for the day. For the first time in his life, Eddie didn’t care about that. He just wanted to get home and put this mess behind him. 

Something that got a whole lot harder when a second nurse came into the room and announced to the first that there was family here to check on Eddie. She gave a reassuring promise that it meant Eddie would be able to go home, safe and sound now that someone was here to get him. Like Steve hadn’t been waiting in the lobby this whole time.

What she didn’t know was the lifetime of embarrassment she was delivering to his room. Either Steve called someone to pretend to be Eddie’s family, likely Nancy, or he called Wayne. He should have just waited for Eddie to be discharged but the guy had to always be doing the right thing. Normally it was cute. 

Neither answer was good. No, take that back. All options were absolute shit. There wasn’t a single person this nurse led back that was going to be a good idea. Eddie wondered how long he and Steve had to be together before they developed telepathy. Or maybe he should learn how to fill out a DNR. This was going to be worse than any allergic reaction and Eddie wasn’t ready for it. 

Seconds after the nurse’s announcement, Wayne entered the room. Not an ounce of care on his face. It was all shame and annoyance but to anyone who knew the man, that was care. He didn’t bother to get annoyed with people he didn’t like. 

As bad as Wayne showing up was hot on his heels was Scott Clarke. An increasingly permanent fixture in their lives but a wholly unwelcome one at present. After them, Steve slunk in, tail between his legs, and radiating apologies. Which meant the other two knew everything. 

Eddie tugged at wires that weren’t hooked up to him, he reached out for whatever he could, something to end this struggle. He was close to asking if Steve kept the stupid candy cane. Eddie was leaving this room one way or another because he did not want to hear a single word that was about to come out of his uncle’s mouth. 

Before Wayne could talk, the first nurse started explaining what happened. The allergic reaction, figuring out what Eddie ate that day that was new, how to treat it, and what was administered. Dutifully, Wayne and Scott listened. Their heads nodding, the gentle sounds of understanding and agreement, it was almost like a real family. Little did they know, Eddie emancipated himself ten minutes ago, so they didn’t have a right to be here. They didn’t have a right to know any of that information or act like they understood.

Then the nurse said Eddie would be good to go in a half hour but everyone was welcome to wait. She’d get the paperwork and be out of their hair. Eddie shot her a glance to beg her to stay as he lay in bed. Stuck there and awaiting torture. Maybe he wouldn’t have survived in the medieval times after all. 

Without the nurses, the relative silence of the room (which wasn’t all that silent thanks to all the other emergencies) felt smothering. Steve stayed in the corner, Eddie was sure his face was permanently red, but Wayne was picking his moment. He was enjoying delaying this. 

Wayne was the nearest thing Eddie had to “real” dad, in the more hypothetical sense. Though he was blood. He’d earned the right to make this nothing short of actual war crime level torture. It was his god given right as the parental figure here to pick up his child for his first sex related emergency. Didn’t mean Eddie had to like this part. 

It almost had Eddie cracking first. There wasn’t a single logical sentence in his head that could have then made its way out his mouth but maybe if he just started talking, started apologizing, he could find his way. Thankfully, Wayne showed kindness and spoke first. 

“Really, Ed. Food? In bed?” 

Yeah. Yup. Eddie was onto something trying to end this the old fashioned way. Death was the only answer. Even if it was slow and torturous it would be better than this. 

“I don’t know, I heard it’s kind of fun,” Scott said. 

Great! Wonderful. They found ways to make it worse. Scott could save the kink discovery until Eddie was…dead, hopefully. He did not need to hear that or watch as his uncle tried to figure out if he thought it was fun. 

Eddie shot a death glare Steve’s way. Sure Eddie wanted to take the easy way out of this shit but he was taking Steve down with him. He created this mess. Every single piece of it even. Well, except the biological one that had Eddie developing allergic reactions. 

“But candy canes,” Wayne said, pondering it just a little too much. He shifted his stare from Scott to Eddie. “Steve said it was most likely the cady canes?” 

In a small voice, wanting to say as little as possible, Eddie did the right thing. They’d need to know what it was and, truly, the culprit was pretty obvious. “Yeah, I hadn’t eaten yet. We went to pick up stuff for lunch.” 

“And got distracted along the way,” Wayne said, chastising Eddie for having a bit of fun. 

“They’re kids, Wayne,” Scott said, sounding every bit like the teacher he was. 

“Yeah, well they’re old enough to have a bit of common sense.” 

“What!?” Eddie started to defend himself. 

“Did you know he was allergic,” Scott asked Wayne. 

Eddie really wanted to yell at him for injecting himself in family business that wasn’t his but he was making good arguments. And neither Steve nor Eddie was about to argue with Wayne. 

Wayne didn’t answer. 

“Allergies can show up later in life. As the body grows, adapts, changes…” 

“When was the last time you had a candy cane?” Wayne asked, ignoring the science lesson. 

“I dunno. You think Dad was buying me boxes of em?” 

There was a low grumble that was reserved only for Al Munson and Eddie almost felt guilty, like he’d fought dirty somehow. He knew what the mention of his dad did but it wasn’t to throw that in Wayne’s face. All he’d meant to do was make a point. Explain it in a way Wayne understood, not frustrated him further. 

“So if he hasn’t had any since he was a kid?” Wayne asked Scott like a teaching degree was suddenly a doctorate. 

“Yeah, it could have happened at any time but the body is doing a whole lot during those years. He could have been allergic for years and just not known.” 

Wayne shook his head, processing everything. “Was it worth it, at least?” 

They’d lulled him into a false sense of security talking about this medically. Eddie thought he was safe. He thought Wayne was done and now he comes in asking about how the blow job was. A question Eddie would never be answering. Ever. 

Every step of this was worst than the last. He and Steve had to move out of Hawkins. Perhaps out of America. Somewhere without telephones and mail carriers. Change their names. File off their finger tips. Whatever it took to never, ever, ever be asked how good his sex life was by his uncle ever again. 

“No!” Steve and Eddie answered together, reminding Scott and Wayne that Steve was in the room. 

“Alright, well good to know it won’t happen again. And, I don’t know, I’m not sure this is in a parenting book. Can you make sure you’ve eaten a food before you start using it in the bedroom from now on?” Wayne asked.

“I’m going to become a monk,” Eddie said under his breath. 

“Actually, that’s good advice,” Scott chimed in, way too chipper for the moment. “You should know that the food is safe for consumption before putting it anywhere else.”