#fultonu

“You’re not my brother,” Alexis slurred, falling into me. Every time she said those words, it hurt. Even all these years since the first time”

“I’d stare up at my bedroom ceiling and try to picture what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t been kicked out of their house. ”

“Is it weird for you, going home?”

“I don’t.”

“You don’t? As in you don’t go home?”

“No, I don’t have a home to go back to.” He tilted his head and corner of his mouth lifted, but it was a thin ghost of a half-smile.

“No family?”

A flicker of sadness rushed across his face. “I have a sister, but… that’s complicated. So, to come here and see a place your grandparents owned, that’s pretty cool.”

“Hey, Kid, I didn’t want to say anything until I knew for sure, but here’s the last address I have for Elizabeth Vaughn. Sorry I couldn’t deliver this to you sooner and sorry it’s not better news.

Leaving Jules that morning with a kiss on the forehead while she slept, I’d driven for two hours. Through my windshield, I stared up at the wrought-iron fence with the block letters welded in place. Dayton Memorial Cemetery. I don’t know how long I sat in my car staring up at the gray sky hoping this was a mistake, that he’d screwed me over and made this all up”

“My breath collected in front of my face in a puff of steam. Each mini cloud dissipated and clung to the windshield, fogging it up from the inside.

A primal scream ripped from my throat, raw and unstoppable.”

“Standing on the side of the road, I screamed into the frosty, freezing air. I slammed my hands into the roof of my car, denting the shit out of it. I kicked the side panels and raged against the piece of metal that hadn’t done a thing to deserve my ire. Here I was, sitting on the side of the road, all alone.”

“How’s it going to end up once they realize you’ve fucked them for the whole season?” He stood in the hallway. His bright red jersey like waving a flag in front of a bull. I charged at him, not taking a second to think, and met his face with a fist I’d held back for too long. Every nerve ending was firing like I was out on the field bracing for another hit. My skin tingled, sparking like a misfired firework ready to destroy anything in its way. For the angry kid standing on a doorstep to a house that would never be home. For the scared kid thrown from place to place always feeling unwanted. And for me, the guy who thought he might find that happiness that would never be there again. I rammed my shoulder into his stomach. His back slammed into the floor and his fist connected with the side of my head.”

“Today was the day I’d lost my mother twice, threw away my football career, and now had to stand in front of fifty people and pretend my world wasn’t disintegrating in front of me.”

“I’ve put up with a lot over the years. I’ve helped you dodge a shit-ton more than I should have…” I raked my fingers through my hair. “But you’re not the sister I thought I had. If you could do this to me… If you could do this to someone I love.” I squeezed out that last word, it was barely a whisper between us. “You’re not the person I thought you were.”

“You think you’re the only one dealing with shit?” My voice dropped to a growling whisper. I didn’t need to broadcast my misdeeds all over the stadium. “I took the money. I didn’t spend it on any of that. I spent it on a PI to track down my mom. The one who dropped me off on my ex-con, soon-to-be-lifer dad’s porch when I was seven.” A rolling, grinding anger that I couldn’t hold back shot forward.

His head snapped back and he stared back at me. The muscles in his neck worked overtime. “Did you find her?” The sincere interest threw me, but I’d learned about letting my guard down around him.

“Yeah, I found her.” I lifted my chin. “At the Dayton Memorial Cemetery.” The shot at my raw wound deflated my anger and that let the pain right back in.”

“I’d had a home, something I’d longed for since I could remember, and I’d thrown it away.”

“The words on the small plaque nestled into the grass were her name. Tears swam in my eyes.

Elizabeth Caroline Vaughn. I set the present on top of the low-profile cut granite.

And the date of her death. June twenty-seventh.

And the year.

I sucked in a shuddering breath. It was five months after I’d ended up in my first foster home. Eight months after my birthday, when she’d dropped me off on my dad’s doorstep.

I fell to my knees. The snow crunched under my body, wetness seeping into my jeans. Tears streamed down my face. I’d been looking for her for over a decade and she’d been here all along. Waiting patiently for me to find her.”

“My beautiful boy,

I love you with all my heart and I’m so sorry I had to leave you. You deserve so much more than I have to give you, and now that I know I’m sick it’s only a matter of time before I can no longer take care of you. You’re the only person I have left in the world, and I don’t want to let you go, but I hope your father will be able to take care of you now that I can’t.” Jules’ voice cracked and I held on tighter to her. The cold, scratchy wool of her coat and the steady rise of her stomach with each breath reminded me that I was still alive. I was still here—with her. The way I’d had to take over cooking at home and how my mom had stopped going to her jobs filtered back through years of memories. How she’d gotten skinnier and the fullness of her cheeks had faded away. How much more slowly she’d walked, and the way she’d clutched her side as she’d walked away from me.

“This isn’t fair, none of it is, but I hope someday you can forgive me and that you’ll have the life you deserve. The life I never could have given you.

I love you with all my heart,

Mommy”

“You’re loved Berk. More than you could ever know. Your mom loved you. The guys love you. Alexis loves you. I love you.” Tears brimmed in her eyes. “And that will never change. Losing your mom—” Her voice gave out and she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “That’ll be something that you always carry with you. But you have a family that loves you and will always be there for you.”

“Tears welled in my eyes. “Some of the kids at school had gotten jerseys when the new football season started. I begged my mom for one. I was such a pain in the ass. We were eating beans and rice on a good day and I wanted a stupid football jersey, when there was no way we could afford it. But a few months before she left, we’d found a huge bag of yarn in the dumpster near a craft store. She made me gloves, a hat and a scarf—practical stuff. But I still bitched about that damn jersey.” I ran my fingers over the white 11 and turned it over. My name was knitted in big block letters on the back. My favorite number. My number now. “A kid who had no idea what real life was like and how bad things could get. I never got to tell her how much I love this.” My nostrils flared, and the frigid air bit at my skin against the falling tears.

“She knew.” Jules covered my hand with hers, tracing the letters along the top.”

“You’re not supposed to bask in my stress.”

“How can I not when your delicious treats are what I get because of it? I’m tempted to stand outside your bedroom banging pots and pans to keep you bleary-eyed and baking.”

“You draw?”

He tugged a book from the shelf and dropped it on top of his supplies. “Sometimes.”

“Will you draw me like one of your French girls?” I batted my eyelashes at him and was rewarded with a knuckle-driving punch to the shoulder.”

“Berk, what are you doing here?”

“Waterskiing. How’s your head?”

“Damn shelves, jumping out of nowhere.”

“They’ve been known to do that. Hit and runs left and right in this place.”

“He frowned. “You don’t plan on coming?”

“No tickets.” I shrugged. “It’s probably sold out.”

“There might be a way I could get you one.” He looked over his shoulder.

“If you can score me some of those donuts with extra sprinkles.”

“I looked up from the dough Avery was rolling out and caught Berk’s eye.

His thumbs up melted my heart.”

“His smile could’ve lit up the stadium for the rest of the season.”

“Her eyes snapped open and she wiped at them with the heels of her hands.

I grabbed her wrists to stop her from scraping ninety percent of the skin off her face. “I was joking, Jules. You’re perfect. Not an eye booger in sight.”

She glared and poked at my chest. “Jerkface.”

“How can you be so cruel?” I wrapped my arms around her, tickled her and blew raspberries on her neck.

She finally relented, laughing until tears were in her eyes. “Fine, you’re not a jerkface.” The words came out in pants.

“What am I then?” I didn’t let her out of the circle of my arms.

“My new favorite audience member.”

“I’m surprised you lasted as long as you did.”

“It’s official, you all freaking suck.”

“You’re seriously not going to eat one?”

Jules had the box balanced on her lap.

My mouth watered for two different reasons.

She shook her head. “I’m good. I’ll split one with you.”

“Split one? Are you insane? I could inhale that entire box on my own.”

“And I love the pancake shapes. Is this a mouse?”

It was supposed to be a heart. “Yeah, it’s a mouse.”

“How are you scared by this?” He held out his hand toward the TV with the evil alien creature pointing his glowing finger toward the kids hiding him.

“He’s a walking, talking testicle. Is it almost over?” I held onto his shirt, using it to cover my eyes.

“It’s ET! He’s a childhood classic.”

“You’re loved Berk. More than you could ever know. Your mom loved you. The guys love you. Alexis loves you. I love you.” Tears brimmed in her eyes. “And that will never change. Losing your mom—” Her voice gave out and she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “That’ll be something that you always carry with you. But you have a family that loves you and will always be there for you.”

“Have you ever read that book, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie? Although in this case it’s like, If a Mouse Breaks into Your House and Steals a Cookie.” I lifted the corner of my mouth.

“It was unlocked.” He downed the glass and set it back down. “Leaving your door unlocked on a street full of degenerates isn’t the best idea.”

“Exactly. Who knows what crazy person could show up and start raiding my food supply.”

“Exactly.”

“He tapped me on my nose with one of the cookies he’d weaseled out of the box when my back had been turned.”

“He downed another shot of milk. “Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s figure out how we’re going to track down TLG.”

“TLG?”

He stared back at me with determination glinting in his eyes. “I’m not stopping until I find The Letter Girl.”

“I slid the plastic container closer to the edge of the counter. “You’re good if I take these?”

She smiled and it shone through her eyes. “Who do you think I made them for?” Turning, she put the now empty plate into the sink.

A wave of heat spread in my chest and stopped me in my tracks. “You baked these especially for me?”

“Both their heads turned and their double glare made me grin even harder and pick up the game controller off the coffee table. “I’ll take a beer and two glasses of shut the hell up for these two.”

“He brushed sprinkles off the side of his mouth.

“Berk!”

“What?” His big-eyed innocent look did nothing to remove the splotch of chocolate on the side of his mouth.

I grabbed a napkin and wiped at the spot. “Next time, be better at hiding the evidence.”

“You did good, kid.”

He stared up at me with a huge grin. “Kid? I’m barely a year younger than you, fuckface.”

“But much wiser, I am.” I pressed my palms together and went for the best Yoda impersonation that I could manage while being nearly six-three and hefting at least twenty pounds of gear across the field.

“More like more annoying.”

“One man’s wise is another man’s foolish.”

“Looks like someone’s ready to party.” LJ stood beside me, not a bead of sweat on him.

“I’m sure you and Marisa have some pre-class ritual including face paint, stuffed animals, and tricycles you’ll wander off into the woods to complete.”

“Apparently, my five-year-old, no-longer-white, bordering-on-holey shoes were too much for him to take, so I finally let him buy some for me.”

“You can call me anything you want—except Julia. The only people who call me that are in this room and no matter how many times I tell them differently, they still do it.”

“Anything I want, huh?”“How about Snowglobes?”

Her cheeks turned beet red and she shoved at my shoulder. “Anything but that!”

“Are you sure? Anything? I’m sure I can come up with something in that same vein. How about Lana?”

Her eyebrow shot up.

“Some things are better backward.” I stood there taking a sip of my drink, waiting for her Wheel of Fortune reveal as she ran through the letters.

“Berk! Anything that you could say in front of a classroom full of second graders.”

“What part of the city are these second graders from?”

“She laughed and some of her champagne dribbled down her chin.

“Such a messy drinker. And you’ve only had one glass. Or did you get started before our party bus ride happened?”

“I turned to him and our gazes collided.

He coughed into the glass he had up to his mouth. Wheezing and spraying his drink all over the place, his eyes got anime character wide before he barked out a, “Holy shit.”

“He’s lucky my mom didn’t see that. She’d have freaked. They had to bring in a whole catering crew from Philly just for this.”

“As if the party couldn’t have gotten any swankier.”

“You really don’t need to join me.”

“Ducking back inside the bathroom, I pushed my palm against the door, so it closed slowly, without a sound. That’s the last thing I needed—them knowing I’d heard them. It would only make it worse, and I didn’t need to hear the fake words of apology or how I’d misheard the comments. Stop being so sensitive. You’re overreacting. Don’t make a scene.”

“I squeezed my eyes shut and tightened my grip on the edge of the sink. Breathe through it. Don’t let their words chip away at you. Why was I even surprised? Why had I thought things would be different?”

“I stared up at the ceiling. “Dad, I don’t know what to do. They’re all I have left—but I don’t know how much longer I can take it.” I talked to him like I had for so many years since he’d been gone.”

“Pushing my glasses up, I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. So many tears spilled over their words and digs at me.

I longed for those books. Those were happy family memories I couldn’t let go.”

“Jules spun around out from under my arm and rushed out to the patio, disappearing into the inky night beyond the doors.”

“My smile stalled on my lips and I scanned the screen. In bite-sized comments, dripping with venom and humiliation, I scrolled through my life being shredded. Bile raced up my throat.

Dough Ho gets her sticky hands on a six-pack hottie.”

“Jules, look at me.”

I couldn’t. The tears were back. They prickled at the backs of my eyes and I blinked to try to keep from dissolving into a puddle.”

“I’m barely to a place where I can look at myself in the mirror and not want to wear a snowsuit. I’ve hated myself for so long, and I’ve hated the way I look for so long, and I’m finally coming to a point where I’m okay with being me—most of the time. But what happened today…”

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut. “What’s happening right now, with people talking about the letters and me and you together as though I’m a circus freak? I’m working hard on loving myself. I know I can get there. But I can’t do it under the searing spotlight at your side. I can’t do it when I know people are constantly looking at you and back at me and wondering why the hell you’re with me.”

“I don’t care what other people think.”

“I know you don’t, but I’m not there yet.”

“I don’t even know if my own mother loves me.” My voice cracked and my nose was a split second from running. Another ugly cry was rushing to the surface and I didn’t need him here to experience it. “How about that? How’s that for some honesty? She’s the one person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally and I’m fifty-fifty on whether she’d even care if I disappeared off the face of the earth. Those are issues I’m still dealing with”

“This is a tightrope I’m walking and I’m three minutes from flying into the kitchen and eating half the stuff I baked over the past week, but I won’t. I can be strong right now, but every day, knowing that’s what’s going on? I’m not that strong, Berk. I’m just not. This is my breaking point.”

“It feels like someone’s sawn me in half.”

“You’re perfect for this, I can already tell.”

“How?” I lifted an eyebrow.

“First off, I’ve tasted your stuff and it’s amazing, so you know your way around the kitchen. Second, you’ve got that young, bubbly personality with a hint of snark, and you look so damn cute you’re about to send me into a diabetic coma. It’s a total I’ll-bake-you-muffins-and-whip-up-some-chicken-noodle-soup-if-you’re-sick look.”

“Wish me luck.” My smile was as weak as ten-second tea.

“Don’t worry.” Berk reached out and captured my hand. “They’re going to love you.”

“Everyone loved her, and why shouldn’t they? She was awesome. Under the lights, her skin was glowing and she had that extra pinkness in her cheeks she always got when she was embarrassed. ”

“She was one of the most genuinely sweet, kindest people I’d ever met.”

“The navy coat and white scarf were topped off with a cute hat with a little fluffy ball on top. She looked like something out of a still life painting of winter. All she needed was a mug of hot chocolate, or maybe a pair of ice skates.”

“You got this, Jules,” she said under her breath.

She sure as hell did. ”

“Jules let a curse fly here and there and glanced around like the swear police would come lock her up.

Jules baked congrats cupcakes for my game.

Jules was here with me when she could be anywhere else.

Jules was a secret sexy goddess who had a pole in her bedroom.”

“Her eyes snapped open and she wiped at them with the heels of her hands.

I grabbed her wrists to stop her from scraping ninety percent of the skin off her face. “I was joking, Jules. You’re perfect. Not an eye booger in sight.”

She glared and poked at my chest. “Jerkface.”

“How can you be so cruel?” I wrapped my arms around her, tickled her and blew raspberries on her neck.

She finally relented, laughing until tears were in her eyes. “Fine, you’re not a jerkface.” The words came out in pants.

“What am I then?” I didn’t let her out of the circle of my arms.

“My new favorite audience member.”

“Everything about her made me want to never let her go. She was the kind of woman I’d dreamed of one day being at my side. Beautiful. So warm and caring,”

“Do I smell a Jules special delivery?” Keyton rounded the base of the stairs and tossed his duffle beside the front door.

“Coffee cake muffins.”

Keyton grabbed me and pulled me in for a hug, kissing the side of my face. “You’re our savior. ”

“Behind these curtains and in these walls, everything else faded away and the voices in my head—the ones that had been there for so long I wasn’t sure if they were my own words or not—weren’t nearly as loud.”

“watching Jules run around in an adorable blue and purple knit hat with a white pompom on top made me want to move to a winter wonderland. Her cheeks were bright red. The dark wisps of her hair stuck out from the bottom of her hat as she ran around with her arms out at her sides, getting covered with flakes like the most beautiful statue ever sculpted.”

“These eggs are phenomenal.” She scooped up another hearty forkful and I wasn’t sure if she was humoring me or not. “And I love the pancake shapes. Is this a mouse?”

It was supposed to be a heart. “Yeah, it’s a mouse.”

“The best mouse pancake I’ve ever had. The bacon is also delicious.”

“She’s fucking gorgeous. She’s everything anyone could ever want in a girlfriend. ”

“One of these days you’ll see yourself like I do.”

She turned to me and held my gaze. Her uncertainty and vulnerability simmered just under the shield of her gaze. The one she dropped for me. She swallowed and covered her hand with mine. “I hope one day I can.”

“How are you scared by this?” He held out his hand toward the TV with the evil alien creature pointing his glowing finger toward the kids hiding him.

“He’s a walking, talking testicle. Is it almost over?” I held onto his shirt, using it to cover my eyes.”

“Covering my laugh with a cough, I lifted my hand to my mouth. “Nothing, Mom, just something funny a friend did.”

“Hopefully it’s nothing you’re involved in that might cause us even more embarrassment.”

“Nope, just a video of me pole dancing.” And with that, I excused myself to change.”

“Did I want to lose weight and be able to squeeze into clothes I could buy in any store, even those places Laura and Mom visited regularly? Sure.

“Sneaking a glance at my mirror, I looked more like a spider monkey clinging to a tree to stop from dropping out of the rainforest canopy into the jaws of predators down below, complete with profuse sweating and shaking. Panting and sweating didn’t feel very diva-like. Taking a deep breath, I relaxed into the pose, pointed my toe straight up at the ceiling, and extended my arm like the jiggly bingo wing it was. A giddy laugh bubbled up from deep down. I snuck a glance at myself in the mirror again. I was a lumpy diva, but, fuck it, I was a badass, too.”

“Every move I nailed got me a little closer to appreciating how far I’d come. From the first days of slipping off trying to do a basic spin with my feet planted firmly on the floor, to being a diva. This was my freaking body and I loved the shit out of it.”

“The song ended and I braced my hands on my hips, panting and sweating like I’d run a 5k, with a grin so damn wide I felt it in my toes. Jumping up and down, I gave myself a high five and a few club-worthy woos”

“The butterflies in my stomach were replaced by a whole freaking safari. I tightened my lips to what I hoped was a non-serial killer level of smile.”

“There you are.” His words were muffled behind two manhole cover-sized cookies.

“Did you think I was hiding in my cookie box?”

“Have you ever read that book, If You Give A Mouse A Cookie? Although in this case it’s like, If a Mouse Breaks into Your House and Steals a Cookie.” I lifted the corner of my mouth.

“It was unlocked.” He downed the glass and set it back down. “Leaving your door unlocked on a street full of degenerates isn’t the best idea.”

“Exactly. Who knows what crazy person could show up and start raiding my food supply.”

“I tapped my finger against my chin. “Doesn’t ring any bells, sorry.”

A pastel blue pillow whacked into the side of my face. “Pain in the butt.”

“the joy on other people’s faces when they eat what we make…”

“It’s like getting a little piece of them back.”

“I knew I’d like you, Jules. No one who bakes like you do could be an asshole.”

“He was way too good at the flirting. Way too good. It almost made me feel like I was special. I cringed, wanting to bury my head in the sand or maybe break my leg to have an excuse not to go to the engagement party.”

“She laughed and some of her champagne dribbled down her chin.

“Such a messy drinker. And you’ve only had one glass. Or did you get started before our party bus ride happened?”

“I’m messy because someone keeps making me laugh.” Her playful glare shot out from behind her horn-rimmed glasses.”

“She’s funny and sometimes she lets a little bit of her potty mouth slip out between her unique personality of the next Martha Stewart and a cute anime character. She’s not flashy, except when it comes to everything that comes out of her oven.”

“but that’s not to say I didn’t appreciate Jules’ quiet beauty. The kind you found yourself sneaking a glance of when she smiled because it was so completely pure and unworried about being anything other than real. Or the times I’d sit at her kitchen table and talk for hours about our favorite comic book movie.”

“With Jules, I could just be and so could she. It gave me that warm feeling that drew me to her time and time again”

“She was kind and I’d never heard her talk shit about anyone or be anything other than awesome, ”

“He’s lucky my mom didn’t see that. She’d have freaked. They had to bring in a whole catering crew from Philly just for this.”

“As if the party couldn’t have gotten any swankier.”

“Har har har.”

“Are you inside my head or something?”

“No, but I see the way you always want to take care of the people around you, even if it’s at your expense.”

“I don—”

He cut me off again at the pass. “Don’t ever let anyone else make you feel like you’re not awesome.”

“She glanced at me, glistening with strands of hair and bits of grass stuck to her face, and laughed. It was a delirious kind of laugh that infected the air around her.”

“I hope you don’t lose everything you’ve worked for, for someone who doesn’t treat you the way they should. People who want the best for us don’t try to cut us off from other people who love us.”

With tears in her eyes, she gave me one last look. “Bye, Berk.”

“He’s so in love with you.” Tears glittered in her eyes.

I opened my mouth to stop her.

“No, I’ve known him longer, remember?” She smiled at me with a wry look. “He’s head-over-heels for you. I’ve never seen him like this with anyone else, except for The Letter Girl, but she wasn’t a threat because she was only pen and paper. Except she was you. And you’re real.”

“I want him to be happy. And so should you.”

“You make him happy.”

“I’d held her in my arms, brushed away her tears and found myself in her. I’d had a home, something I’d longed for since I could remember, and I’d thrown it away.”

“I keep waking up in the middle of the night and looking out the window at your room and I want to be in there with you. I want to be holding you and rubbing that spot on your nose with the freckle cluster that kind of looks like a tiny strawberry.”

She lifted her hand and rubbed it along the bridge of her nose.

“And I want to call you, or even write you letters, because I miss you, Frenchie. I miss you so much that even with all the people I’ve lost in my life, it’s you who keeps me up at night because you’re part of my heart. You’re part of my soul and I swear…” I choked through the words, pushing past the tightness in my throat and the tears in my eyes.”

“I promised I wouldn’t do this, that I’d give you space and not make showing up here like this, but fuck it. I love you so much that my future that was once so crystal clear is a wasteland stretching on as far as I can see when I try to picture it now without you.”

“People fuck up and who knows what the future holds. And before you say anything, I want you to know, Alexis is family, but you’re my forever.”

“These past few days…” She hugged the book box tighter to her chest. “I’ve missed you so much too.” Her watery smile was the first ray of sunshine after a turbulent storm. A ray of hope. “And the future I’d never been able to picture for myself was clear after I walked out your door. It was bleak, lonely, and not filled with even half the love I feel for you.”

“I rushed forward and wrapped my arms around her. The hard edges of the box dug into my chest, but I didn’t care. I’d sit on a bed of nails to be this close to her again.

She laughed, skimming her fingers along my jaw and looking into my eyes with that kind of open love that made her Jules. I’d never take it for granted again.”

“Jules came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist. “What’s up?”

I ran my arms over hers, letting her squeeze me tight. The weight of her embrace blanketed me in a love I’d never thought I’d find. I pulled her around to my front and clasped my hands at the small of her back.

“Nothing’s up. Just taking it all in.”

She turned her head to the side, looking at our ragtag group of friends. “It’s a good day, isn’t it?”

Even with everything I’d been through today and the emotional nosedive I’d taken visiting my mom’s grave, she was right. I hugged her tighter to me and kissed her temple with a heart so full, I couldn’t hold back my smile. “It is. The best day, and I can’t wait to make a lifetime of memories like these with you.”

“Thanks for thinking of me.”

He slipped his arms around my waist. “Always.”