#fullmoon.ww

My partner bought me these sleeves!

When did I first start identifying this way and why?

What does this version of myself look like? What does it act like?

What makes me feel connected to this 'type?

What makes me feel disconnected?

What does it mean to me to be this on a personal level?

What do I like most about being this? What do I dislike?

If I could change this 'type, would I?

When I was roughly 6 or 7 I watched a show called 'Big Wolf on Campus' and whilst the whole show is cheesy and does not match my entire experience, it was the first time I sincerely started to see myself as a werewolf, specifically of this 'wolfman' variety where there is more of an anthro look. To quote the theme song, it should have been a 'phase I'm going through' but it clearly wasn't because I'm still a werewolf now. One could argue that a livelong love of werewolves is normal after watching a show with one in, but I'm not into that show any more and it was never identifying with the world of the show that happened. Hmm. In fact, after looking into werewolves mythos for a long while my interest in doing so has petered off. It was...research into my species, rather than an obsession with werewolves (probably).

I call myself a wolfman more than werewolf (though a wolfman is a kind of werewolf, make no mistake) because I have more in common with a more anthro werewolf than one with many lupine features whether they look identical or near identical to a regular wolf or just have a more lupine head. I'm bipedal, but can run on all fours if I need to. I have a short muzzle but long fangs, my ears are pointed but still on the side of my face etc. It's a curse that I learnt to be at home with, at first completely uncontrolled when transformed, then with more and more control. The wolf-side is animalistic, often scared or angry at the situation it's in - the human-side keeps the wolfish behaviours but on a lesser level, the sides cannot be removed from each other.

Any time I dream about it, any time I see other wolfmen, anytime I see the full moon I feel connected. Oh, also when my partner actively refers to me as a wolfman/werewolf I feel that connection burn brighter like hell yeah that's me.

The fact of growing up alter/nonhuman means that adult life often gets in the way of really connecting with yourself. I have so many 'types it's impossible for my brain to give them all equal space. When I haven't felt a wolfman shift be the strongest one for a while I start to question it again. I also felt really disconnected when it seemed like the only werewolves I could see were ones that were much more lupine than me, as if my experience then must be incorrect and not werewolfish at all.

I have had this part of me awakened for so long that to me it's one of the only things I'm proud to have grown up as and with. It's an interlocking piece of memory that I enjoy being there. It's connection, it's taking hold of the bad to turn it good and mirrors a lot of events in my current life.

I like the power and ferocity, it allows me to defend myself and be more than what appears to be, it's best of both worlds feeling. I dislike the pain associated with it, the errors from the uncontrolled days, but I can't erase that that is part of it too.

I'm a werewolf but I don't desire a pack at all. The kind of werewolf I am, a shapeshifting creature, isn't a pack animal. Maybe other canines are pack animals but I'm not an animal, I'm a creature, a monster and I don't necessarily desire other werewolves to make a 'pack' with, though friends would be fun.