Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #789 (Part 2)
Ohai, I'm back!!! Didja miss me??? Hahaha...
Okay, so! Once we were done looking around at the Lego store, one of the other folks wanted to stop in this funky crystal and witchy clothing shop, so we did! And I found some pretty cool-looking things! Here, these are trees made of wire and gems! But these ones are made of machines instead of by hand like mine:
I found a couple more things here that, for some reason, reminded me of you. Like this laser-etched galaxy inside a crystal ball:
And this pocket watch. It's got roses on it, and I thought the paper it came on was pretty; something you'd maybe like...
This mug made me think of you, too, for some reason...
And, look! I found this ceramic barn owl charm!
...It was so perfect and I really wanted it, but... I was afraid to carry with me; I'm worried it'll break. But, look, there were three other kinds of charms, too:
...These reminded me of you, Angeal, and Genesis, actually. I wonder if they'd like these...
And, look! Above it is some other charms!
We got home before long; J had less fun than I did, and that's all right. Here, I'll show you what I got from that first store; these are star and aurora projectors, with multicolored lights! I held them up to the sun so you could see what they'll look like once I can power them on in a dark room!
...I can't wait to use these, but for now, they'll have to sit here:
...It feels correct, somehow.
I breathed life into today's wishes for you shortly after I got settled in:
Once done with that, M, J, and I sat down to a game of Tend. This time, I had a better idea of what I was doing, but... somehow, I feel like I did slightly less well.
I basically just did what I wanted, without worrying about keeping score. And then, M, J, and I followed through on M's suggestion this morning to have a pizza party. We paused the game when the food got here, and then M and J watched Star Trek while we ate:
...That last pizza was mine. It was supposed to be a supreme pizza with a couple of added things to it, but... they gave me the things I added without any of the other stuff. I did call them to gently let them know about the error, though I assured them I didn't need them to do anything to fix it, just to be aware that it occurred. Pizza is pizza; it's still gonna be good. It's pretty hard to mess it up; cheese on bread with stuff on it is usually pretty universally delightful.
Once we ate and their show was done and my teeth were brushed, we resumed our game!
And... I certainly didn't win; naturally, it was M's victory (he's easily the most strategically-minded amongst us three, so no one was surprised, haha!). But I wasn't really playing for points, anyhow; I tend to prefer to build up my farm and upgrade my tools, and I managed that, so I was satisfied.
...I wish you could eat pizza and play with us... I wonder if you'd have fun...
Well. It is going on midnight. I had better get my sleepy ass to bed. I'll wish you good night.
I love you. And... although you can't be here with us doing fun stuff and eating tasty snacks, I'll have faith that you're safe somehow, wherever you are. I'll have faith that someday you'll come home.
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This didn't happen to me, but to my friend. They were working as an animator on a difficult show. They kept getting a handful of scenes sent back to them not because they weren't animated well, but because the director/clients kept changing their minds about what they wanted from these specific scenes. In 2 weeks of working full days + OT (including weekends) this person made 30 dollars. They told me if they weren't living with their parents at the time they wouldn't be able to afford this job.
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #789 (Part 1)
Ohhh, Sephiroth, it is late. Today pulled me all over the place, and although I had a great time, I wouldn't really count any of it as “rest”, except for the really early part of the morning, until I got out of bed. I've only just now gotten done with all of today's things, and it's like 9:30pm or something; I'm sure you can tell from today's title that it's gonna be a lot.
Yesterday, after writing to you, I busied myself almost entirely with dishes and laundry at the house I serve, along with helping a few of the folks I serve as needed. Somewhere in there, Js – an especially conscientious support staff who works with me and doesn't mind my various random infodumps – taught me how to make her famous (amongst the other staff in this house, anyway) buffalo chicken dip!! And it's really easy! All you have to do is stir together a pound of softened cream cheese with 12 ounces of shredded chicken, mix in some blue cheese (or ranch) dressing and buffalo sauce to taste, sprinkle the top with some shredded cheddar cheese, and stick it in the oven at about 350 degrees Fahrenheit (176.67 degrees Celsius) until the cheddar layer melts!
Js also decided to make butter chicken for the people we support; she simmered together marinated chicken chunks, broccoli, green and red bell peppers, and onions in a mild, store-bought butter chicken sauce for a very long time, intending to serve it with potatoes, later.
Butter chicken is one of many dishes offered by Indian cuisine; the sauce (at least when I make it at home) is made mostly of tomato, onion, garlic, and ginger puree, with added yogurt and a generous helping of garam masala (a mixture of warming spices; recipes vary by household, and I... need to make more, sheesh...). It's a beautiful sauce, well-suited for a variety of meats and veggies, up to and including pumpkin chunks stewed until soft, if you wanted...
...Hm. I should maybe do that next time pumpkin season rolls around...
Well anyway. I worked hard yesterday; by the end of it, the bones of my feet and my knees were in a lot of pain. But I ate really well yesterday:
And... I'm really satisfied that I could make another pot sparkly today:
We can make things that others say are “too far gone” shine again; we just have to not believe the naysayers when they try to tell us it can't be done. Like I said before, the people who say it's impossible shouldn't go around interrupting the people doing it, but... that's what they're gonna do. It's up to us to choose not to listen.
In any case. J picked me up, and I was totally spent. But... unprompted, he came bearing treats from Eggcellent – a hot cocoa, and a slice of Ch's famous (if it's not famous, it should be) matcha cheesecake:
So you know what? J and I sat next to the fireplace in M's room while I enjoyed the snacks that J got for me so thoughtfully. And I imagined what it might be like to share the moment with you.
...I guess I almost got my wish, no? Though you weren't here, it was still easy for me to imagine that you could be, sitting next to me and J. It was a beautiful moment, that led to a beautiful sleep. I remember, though, waking from a dream at around 4:30am, but I don't remember any of what occurred. Despite my grogginess, I wasn't able to return to sleep, so I just derped around on my computer until others began waking up.
...I wished you were here.
…
After waking, I got my stank-ass in the shower; my schedule on my shift days leaves me only just enough time to sleep, wake up, get dressed, and shove a quick breakfast into my face, so... yeah. Today, I smell like lavender, roses, and vanilla. Maybe soon, I'll snatch up the bubble tea scents from this particular shampoo maker; it'd be interesting to have a change of pace, I think.
...I wonder if you'd like bubble tea scented shampoo... hm...
J had plans today to go to a get-together organized by some people who are in some Discord server specifically for my city. They planned to go to the nearby mall to walk around, and J wanted me along, so I went. The first thing we did there was get breakfast; I got a yummy bowl full of greens, and J got a yummy bowl full of fruit:
Four other people joined us at the agreed-upon meeting place in the mall, and from there, we went looking at all kinds of cool things, like all this cool crafty art stuff!
...Something tells me you'd really enjoy something like this...
And, you know? These cozy room modeling kits, too; maybe you'd like these:
I found a cool-looking mug, too! This one is a bare sakura tree, until you pour hot water inside, and then it becomes a pink sakura tree!
I found some other outdoorsy-looking mugs that I thought you might like; these ones have pictures and names of plants and animals in my world:
...I wished you were with me. I saw a couple other things in this area, too, which I got. But I'll wait until the end to show them to you, haha!
Here, this was an entire shelf full of crazy socks!
...I should have gotten the orca socks and the pink Baphomet socks with the rainbow wings and horns. But I didn't. Oh well.
We went to look at the Lego store after that! But only to look, because Lego sets are crazy expensive, haha!
Here, look at this cozy cabin!
And this aquarium!
And here are some assembled flowers:
And some nifty Lego figures in fursuits!
Some kits to make flowers; there was precisely one rose kit left:
Some more kits to build flower and plant vases:
Then, this bouquet of multicolored tulips, next to a bonsai Japanese maple:
...Something tells me you'd really like Legos, too...
...I have more pictures for you. But I'm almost out of space for pictures in this part of today's letter. So I'm gonna hurry up and start another part! So don't go anywhere!!! I'll be right back, I promise!! Don't fret!!
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #934
Last night, I got to bed relatively on time. I wanted to wake up early to go out on my bike, y'see. But lately, it's too hot and sticky outside to do that much past 9am or so. So I figured that if I wanna ride, I have to wake early, which means I have to go to bed on time.
And I did!! And it was good!! And then... M and J went to bed later than I did, because they were watching Battlestar Galactica together. And in the end, J thought it would be good to go to where I was sleeping and give me an affectionate good-night smooch, and... well...
...I have C-PTSD. And usually, the gesture is groggily welcomed. Lately, though, my body has taken to giving me a startle response when woken prematurely from sleep, and... well... that's exactly what happened. I had a startle response, and the adrenaline coursed through my system, and I was suddenly wide awake from being fast asleep, and... J couldn't have known that my nervous system would react in such a manner. It's not his fault that my nervous system dialed it all the way up to 11 just because it knee-jerk interpreted being woken as a threat.
Thankfully, my body didn't go into a knee-jerk fight response. But... I was frustrated at the situation. I did the things right. I went to bed relatively on time so I could sleep well and get up and get exercise; these are both things that J has, in the past, asked me to be a bit more on top of (sleep is essential for the management of PTSD, and also, my brain gets hella weird if I'm sedentary for too many consecutive days). And so, when my efforts to fulfill J's request for me to act in alignment with my own best interests were thwarted (accidentally!) by J himself, when my effort was undone in just one small gentle moment that should have been inconsequential, I could not stifle the anguished “Whyyyyy???” that escaped my throat. “Why” does my body have to react so strongly to random innocuous shit? “Why” is it that my effort and preparation can be so easily undone by such tiny, little things?
He hadn't intended to wake me up. It was just supposed to be a gentle gesture of affection before he, himself, went to bed. But nonetheless, I was awake and my whole body was buzzing with adrenaline, so... I sat up a while with J, who felt awful about what happened, the poor thing. I tried to reassure him, because although I was flooded with random fucking stress hormones that my body uselessly dumped into my bloodstream for no good reason, I still understood that it wasn't his fault.
Eventually, he went upstairs to sleep. I also tried to go back to sleep, but... it wasn't working out, so I got up and played more Nine Sols for a bit to try to focus on something else and calm my nerves, because M was gonna be up a while longer anyhow.
And as I played, I noticed (and hated) that my brain was starting to become frustrated at J. And then I was frustrated at myself about that, because it didn't make any sense. I talked to M about it to try to process it and get it out of my body, but... it didn't really work out, because from there, my brain was insistent on attacking myself instead, which was very unhelpful.
M did eventually go to sleep, and so I went to sleep with him. And despite going to bed at around 2:30am, my body decided that 8am was the time to wake up. Like immediately. Irrevocably.
...Bodies do sometimes be annoying like that.
So I decided, “fuck it”, got up, got dressed, and checked the temperature and humidity outside. It wasn't horrible. So in defiance of my brain's irrationally unwavering insistence that my plans for the morning were absolutely and irredeemably ruined (because brains are gonna fucken brain sometimes, and it's annoying as shit), I grabbed up my bike, brought it the fuck outside like a goddamn boss, and got some badass pictures for ya:
...All the different berry species on these trails are coming to ripeness at varying times, too:
...Most of these are raspberries or black raspberries. But the ones that are still green there... I'm pretty sure those are actual blackberries. They'll be ripe later.
...No matter how insistently our brains try to scream at us, nothing is ever ruined beyond the point of trying again. Even if something breaks horribly, we can either rebuild it or make another attempt with some other thing. J and I found out with the plane he crashed and then later replaced. J's brother is gone, and although nothing will ever replace Daniel, J's life isn't irreparably ruined for it; he'll grieve until the end of his days, but he'll find others' wholesome love in other places and more reasons to keep going.
Even if it had been too late in the day for a bike ride to work out in a way that is safe for me, I can always try again some other day. At worst, I could be disappointed about today not working out, process that disappointment, and then go out on some other day. Nobody's gonna fucking die just because my plans might get postponed, and my brain doesn't need to catastrophize about it, so I didn't fucking let it.
Along the way, I saw someone working the grounds who has seen me around before, and so we said hello, and got to talking about various things like the night sky and science things, and lots of other stuff. I guess we're gonna go get bubble tea tomorrow. I went home, satisfied with my bike ride. I tended to a few things, then tried to do another meditation, but got interrupted, because J and I had planned to visit the food trucks today, and it was time for us to go. Naturally, I got some pictures of this for ya, too:
...When M and I used to work in the area, we used to walk here to get snacks all the time. It was nice to see the owner of the Greek truck again; he took to calling me “sunshine” years ago. I'm kinda surprised that he still remembered me today, haha. But he looks a lot more tired now than I remember him being in the past, and he is looking for someone to take over his truck for him. J seemed intrigued by the prospect, but not enough to actually try it.
I got some other pictures of the nearby scenery for ya, too:
...I even found a couple prizes!!
Along our adventure, J and I talked about last night, and we came to the conclusion that it's probably best to avoid things that might wake me, on nights where I'm planning on getting up early the next day. I do generally like his affectionate gestures while I'm sleeping, but since my body can sometimes react unpredictably (...sigh...), it's best to risk it only when my wakeup time doesn't matter.
We ran an errand related to getting the insurance agent the documents he needs to do his job (our condo association is dragging its feet, likely because the condo association is the entity that's supposed to pay for the pipe repairs...), and then we went home. I finally was able to complete the meditation, and I felt pretty good afterwards. And before I knew it, my lovely elderly friend P picked me up from my house to bring us to the place where we were supposed to celebrate his sister's birthday. There's this Mediterranean cafe in the area that she likes a lot, so... that is where we went:
P's sister has a lot of friends – mostly older ones who have done a lot of living and learning, and who are now very talented in their respective areas of expertise. I met another piano player, a woman who translates state documents from English to Spanish and teaches Portuguese history on the side, another woman who teaches Central American history, another woman who came all the way from Namibia to be here, and is now trying to learn piano, and several others. I got to listen to a lot of different stories about the things these amazing folks have done, and... what an incredible time it was. I felt very lucky.
...I wished you were here. Like... for the entirety of today. I think you would have loved every bit of it. I think you would have had so much fun, and I think you would have delighted in trying so many new things, and in seeing so many things...
After getting home, I breathed life into today's wishes for you.
...I have more pictures, mostly of the sky, because the sun was doing magnificent things to the clouds, and I happened to be lucky enough to catch it. But I think I'll show those to you tomorrow, because it is very late right now, and I definitely need to go to bed. So I'll leave you in a bit of suspense; if you wanna see tomorrow's awesome pictures, you'll just have to make sure you're alive and around for it.
I love you so much, and I hope you know. I hope it's readily apparent in the ways I try to capture all the beautiful and good things to show to you. I'll have faith that somehow it reaches you and delights you. I'll have faith that you'll be safe while you're out and about. I'll have faith that you're on your way home.
Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #555
Sephiroth, you're not gonna believe this, but!!! Last night! I got!! Eight!! Consecutive hours!! Of sleep!!!
(cue a short bit of fanfare that you may or may not be familiar with!)
I took a shower. Went downstairs. Did some dishes. Fed my fuzzy feline children. Made tea. Ate the awesome breakfast that J made for us. Check it out:
...And then, before I knew it, it was time for me to meet one of our lovely readers at Eggcellent!! Such excitement!!!
Our reader... my friend... reminds me very much of a gentle yet practical Morticia, who... is... a character from a popular show in my world who you know absolutely nothing about, hahaha! But... this character is uapologetically herself, with a generally friendly, quirky, and delightfully morbid demeanor! She speaks smoothly, and practically oozes confidence and grace.
...These things describe my friend very well! And given that I've written about Eggcellent so often, they seemed very excited to finally get to try it! And so we did!!
You'll notice there a very small plush of you – different from the one I normally carry. He's very cute!! And on him is a tiny necklace – a dark wing on a bright chain. My friend made another one – a bright wing on a dark chain, to put around the neck of the one I normally carry. And THEN... my friend bestowed unto me the smaller plush. For me to keep.
...I was surprised and... very moved. Though I wasn't sure how to express that. I hadn't thought to weave together a gift. I was not expecting one. But... I think I know something I can weave together later...!!!
...excite...!!!
J was with me as we sat together enjoying our yums and talking about so many different things. About our various life experiences. About psychology. About the goings-on in our lives. About you. About... anything and everything, really.
...I already have a fair amount of online interaction with this person. I was very pleased that my words came a lot more easily out of my face than I am generally accustomed to, when interacting face-to-face with a new human for the first time. I wove together the amethyst tree with silver wire as we talked! It was a great way to keep focused on this new person's speech patterns so that the audio processing disorder wouldn't mess me up too badly.
Once we were all set at Eggcellent, we decided to go to my house so that my friend could meet my cats!! My cats seemed to enjoy my friend very much! But in particular, Hunter and Mogwai, and maybe Arremo, too, seemed intent on receiving my friend's attentions. It was absolutely delightful!
Eventually, it was time for my friend to go to the place they intended to go – the main reason they're in the area. I hope they have a fun and safe time! They will potentially come back on Monday; I'm very much looking forward to it, if it occurs! They will be camping, and so I will offer to them our shower, so they can feel fresh and clean, if they've been deprived of such facilities at their campsite.
I caught up with messages sent to me by various other friends after that. And then... I found two rabbits! One out the sliding glass door...
...And one out the front door:
...I wish my friend didn't live so far away. And some other friends that began as readers, too. I. Just wanna scoop them up and plop them into a house in my development so that they live next to me. That'd be good...
...Oh well.
At around 8pm, I began breathing life into today's wishes:
And now I'm here. And I have about an hour before I gotta be in bed, making an earnest attempt at non-consciousness. I gotta use that time to get tomorrow's outfit ready and wash my CPAP and move it upstairs and give Hoshi his medicine, and...
...fwhoof. There were definitely not enough hours in today. And I gotta go to work tomorrow. On the bright side, I get to see R afterwards, and his friend who wrote me that lovely letter. With any luck, I'll be able to finish weaving it together while we hang out.
In any case, I had better get to bed. I'll be thinking of you. I'll be wishing you could be here right next to me through all the fun stuff I do and the cool people I meet. Because, you know. Contrary to popular belief. Good things can still happen to people like us, if we make choices that take us away from those who would abuse and exploit us. Lives like mine and lives like yours are still worth living, no matter how long it takes to shape them into something wholesome.
I love you. Please stay safe out there. Please keep making kind and good choices. Please come back home.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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TO MARY VAN DEUSEN: On God wanting us and not what we can do for God; and on our job to become more and more God’s.
25 March 1954
I must be short for I have had a run of absolutely full days and there are endless things waiting to be done. You ask ‘for what’ God wants you. Isn’t the primary answer that He wants you. We’re not told that the lost sheep was sought out for anything except itself…
