Do you ever just want to start over .... everything? Everything that I could have done, should have done, shouldn’t have done, dating back so far..brings me to think how there was a chance I wouldn’t be as miserable as I am now. Sure, I am making the best of my current situation. Sure, everything in the past has made me who I am today. Sure, nothing is ever permanent. Sure, things will or could look up. But I think about what I could have become, the things I could have done, and the melancholy sets in so deeply. I reflect and think about how much of a waste my life is. There is barely any remnant that is begging me to stay. Part of me wants to drop everything, move somewhere new, start a completely different life. But, what if I go through with all of that, and find that among all the changes, everything, in a way, has stayed the same. This insatiable sense of loneliness, sense of unbelonging that I can never escape. Everyone’s encouragements that life is worth living, that I should keep pushing on, they sink into my thoughts and make me feel even worse. I am not sure how much longer I can live with this stupid, goddamn loneliness. I have been close to this dreaded feeling, but this time..it’s different. This feeling is darker. It frightens me, but at the same time, it makes me want to embrace it, to run towards it. I feel as though I am an animated empty shell, still continuing through the motions of life, telling everyone that things are difficult but I am doing better. But truly, I have deemed there is nothing left for me to live for. I have tried, I have tried so, so hard for what seems like forever to just live with this insatiable loneliness. But I think it has finally driven me mad.
