#fuck2018

2018 was most definitely a year of lesson's for me. I am not sure how else to put it into words at this point. It was something i had to go into blind not knowing what it was about.

Last year near mid October, I had told my wife we needed to separate. Now usually when one of us has a moment like this it is just bullshit and within the next two or three days we would apologise and go about our life. But this time, it was real.

I had moved out. Packed my things and just left her hanging all alone. That is not something i am proud of. But i did. 7 years we were together. On and off was a usual thing. But after the countless amounts of fighting, arguing, backstabbing, lieing, cheating, running off and being completely disrespectful towards each other. I had to say enough was enough. The moment i had moved all of my shit out i knew it was going to be the hardest, most stressful time of my life. But something in my heart kept telling me i needed to TRY and stay away.

Through out this year i met ALOT of amazing people. Heard there stories as i shared mine. Had a few drinks with some strangers, hungout with some of the most supportive people ove ever met. Held friends when they was doing everything they could to be and stay sober. Gave advice, took advice. Long long long nights filled with crying and a deep feeling of loneliness. Went to great concerts, spent countless hours trying to figure out who i was and what i wanted in life. Thought i fell in love and found out that not everyone is always on your side no matter how much they try to pretend/say they are.

Now, throughout this time filled with life long lesson's and hardship of being lonely i had realized one major thing.

Not a single day went by when i didnt think about her. Missee her. Craved her touch. Wished i could have taken it back. Every time i was mean or hurtful. Everytime i walked away. Everytime i belittled her to her face or not. It took this entire year for me to realize two simple things.

1. I truly do love this woman. No matter how bad our past was, i do love her. She is all i wanted. Her, our children, and myself. Together until i died.

2. No matter what i do now, i cannot change the past. I needed to stop dwelling on the negatives and realize i had my family together. This whole time. I couldnt change my mistakes, but only promise myself not to make the same ones over again. If her and i got back together or not. I was determined.

Thankfully, i got another chance. She is currently laying next to me soundly. I missed this. I missed her.

Now, i am unsure to what exactly will or will not happen in the future. I am scared. I am VERY nervous. But as long as she is at my side. Defending, loving, braggin, respecting and communicating with me. Then everything will be just ok.

The moral of this writting is to maybe help someone who could be going through a confusing time. Just know, you're never alone. People are always willing to help as long as you are willing to help yourself.

Love you for being you. Never change who you are or try and change someone else.

I am so in love with her.

I love you now

I love you later

I love you always.