Jun 8
man, i should start bringing in my plushie to work so that i can knead my anxiety away usin my little paws. had to take an extra dose of my meds and i'm Feeling Good but lowkey i can't do my work like this lmaoooo.
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man, i should start bringing in my plushie to work so that i can knead my anxiety away usin my little paws. had to take an extra dose of my meds and i'm Feeling Good but lowkey i can't do my work like this lmaoooo.
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one of our alters is now suddenly a rat instead of a bat and we just said "oh he's a rat now" out loud at work. normal hours truly.
me at work: everything is awful and i wanna gnaw on my own bones
also me at work, after remembering i have soft little critter paws: haha, yayayayay!
Sorry, long post ahead waxing poetic about my (β«) masculinity.
I think some parts of my upbringing left me with the impression that men are the carers and women are those who are cared for. And as someone who has a deep desire to be cared for, even if I usually just bury it, I think it's causing me to question my gender again. I see others accept care from others without a second thought, and feel jealousy for something I deny myself, and then my brain twists the knife in the wound that is my internalized sexism and forces me to question my manhood. Despite the fact that I'm happier now as a man than I ever was as a woman. Despite the fact that I can only ever see myself as a man loving another man. Despite the ways I love my masculinity. It forces me to contend with my "weaker" urges, and blood gushes out between my fingers as I try to hold my fragile and nascent masculinity together under the assault of my own psyche.
It doesn't help that my female alters balk at the ways in which I love our masculinity. Makes me wanna fall back into the dissociation soup and forget all of this even happened; forget my manhood, forget my pain, leave everything behind, and leave it to someone else to figure out. But I know that's not gonna help anybody, least of all myself. So I'll force myself to deal with this one grueling step at a time even if I don't want to.
just took a double dose of my anxiety meds and came up with the banger quote "my mistakes become my triumphs" #HighDenThoughts
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been experimenting with facial hair lately and we straight up look like a conquistador lmao π you can really see the Spanish genes
i lowkey fuck with the mustache but there's one little patch that's refusing to grow in and my brainworms are telling me that it'll never grow in π₯
it's great fun being schizospec because sometimes it can mean shoving yourself into a cabinet to hide from The Cyborgs at 3am, but it can also just mean listening to a song and having it sound like you're smelling an old guy's sweat stained shirt while he's ranting about some political thing or whatever and he used to be a hippie but nowadays would be lucky to count himself as a neoliberal. or something. idk. senses are weird when ur attachment to reality is perpetually hanging on by a thread, esp when u factor in dissociation.
Has anybody else experienced an unwanted and sudden shift in how your headspace self appears? I suddenly have breasts as of like 2 days ago and... idk how to feel about it. Actually, I know exactly how I feel about it, I fucking hate it dude. My headspace self is now just wearing a dysphoria hoodie everywhere and it's making me aware of my actual physical breasts even more. I formerly had top surgery scars in headspace but it's just been reversed??? This is very confusing and upsetting, anybody else have any input on how I can revert my it back to how I want it??? I can still picture my old body, it just feels like it's not me anymore. The only working theory I have is that this is blending from one of my female headmates who I recently became close friends with, our collective has always been rather fucky and blurry like that with a lot of passive influence.