#ftag

*cracks knuckles* *my fingers shatter*

reginald voice: if i cannot bribe my way into having child soldiers i will CRIME my way into having child soldiers

reginald during that one interview in s1e1: *hides gun* the mothers have been suitably... compensated

me beating the shit out of him with my bare hands: i hate you i hate you you stinky old man im tempted to kill you off 20 years earlier in this au just because of this

anyway

reginald acquires 42 magical babies

i refuse to believe vanya is the only mega destructive little child there exists in that horde of children. i refuse it.

what im saying is that he goes through a lot of nannies

is there multiple graces? do they all look like grace or are they different so its less weird for everyone involved? does reggie even give a shit at all? i dont know lol so imagine w/e you want for the robomoms but grace is definitely a thing

bc the handler doesnt get the chance to crime on lilas parents lila is there too she can be #8 because i love her lol

wait wasnt it 43? i feel like its 43 am i tripping one sec let me consult the wiki

i think it was 43. im so tired so pardon me and my bs

ummm with the pressure of taking care of 43(42?) children and seeing their obvious unhappiness every single day grace snaps and kills reggie <3 queen shit

jk lol that would end this too fast and im not done talking

unfortunately delila is incest in this situation. sorry diego 😔

FORTUNATELY, there is 42(41?) other dysfunctional adults to help five stop the apocalypse this time. i want them to organize a commission break in. because that would be cool as hell

listen. with that amount of siblings there is no way that they dont all support each other. and if that sounds unrealistic to you consider that they all have at least 1 or 2 people that are absolutely ride or die, ultimate support systems for them. ok? ok

so basically nobody dies, nobody ends up on the streets, diego doesnt live in a boiler room like a sad gym rat (affectionate), luther is not on the moon and also not monkeyfied because out of 36 kids i sincerely doubt there isn’t at least one with healing powers, 2 if you count lila and her copycat tendencies

umm what else. allison has friends growing up and learns quicker that u cant just rumour people to get ur way and that actions have consequences so she never rumours claire and never loses custody and does she become a movie star at all? i say yes but thru talent this time and she doesnt use her rumour to nudge ppl to decisions unless those ppl major suck lmao

before anyone gets on my ass abt this pls consider: she deserves to make bigots lose important papers and hire her. ok. she can have a little rumour. as a treat. but shes responsible about it

i dont think as a 4 year old allisons power was strong enough to rumour 42 people into forgetting vanya has powers. so vanya keeps her powers and learns how to ✨control them✨

vanya is no longer a sad lonely violinist. she is a goth moderately well adjusted violinist. good for her

NO APOCALYPSE. IM SAYING IT AGAIN. THE FIRST ONE HAPPENS BUT THEN IT DOES NOT

honestly five might not even run away in the first place but i highly doubt reggie would yk. tell them. to prepare for an apocalypse. so theyd be taken unawares the first time without five there to warn them

but OOOH BC VANYA IS MODERATELY WELL ADJUSTED AND HAS AN OK SUPPORT SYSTEM SHE WOULDNT FALL FOR HAROLDS BS AND BLOW UP THE MOON IN THE FIRST PLACE... OHOHO

but also we dont know how it happened the first time so maybe its still on? idk lets say its still on. its on but only once

LDSFKASJDF EVEN IF THEY DONT PREVENT IT THE 2ND TIME THIS MAKES S2 SO MUCH FUNNIER

five having to teleport 42 other people to the 60s and then out of the 60s: ouch

AND THAT NEGATES THE SPARROW ACADEMY. COMPLETELY. THAT’S OUT THE WINDOW BC REGGIE ALREADY ADOPTED THEM ALL THE FIRST TIME LMAOOO SALKFJSH

they get back to 2019 and are like dad??? and reginald never adopted anyone he’s just living alone in his mansion and 43 random people just appear in his house JKDHFIWHFSH IM DYING OMG

ok back to the nopocalypse

lol im done talking so

HII MILLIE!! <3 how are u!! :)

Alec rubs his thumb against Magnus’ collarbone. It’s that touch, so achingly gentle in its simpleness, that has Magnus sucking in a shaky breath. The tightrope of his voice snaps in the brief moments between when he breathes in and breathes out.

...five steals a dog JKHWEFJDSHK

“No, I—alright, your dog, got it. Pretty sure he wasn’t here yesterday, though, so? Where’d you get him?”

Why can a prepubescent look so menacing petting a dog? This is a phenomenon to be further explored at a later date.

“The pet store. Which would be obvious, unless you were stupid. Which you are, clearly.”

“Where did you get money for a dog? And dog supplies?”

“I obtained him through money-less means.”

Luther opens his mouth—and closes it. Takes a deep breath and counts to five.

“You stole a dog,” he says.

and also

“Are you really going to deny your poor, traumatized, teenage brother a pet?”

“You’re fifty-eight,” Luther points out. Five looks at him like he’s an idiot.

“Not right now I’m not.” Which Luther correctly interprets as, only when it suits me.

*cracks knuckles* now i could make this a decent upbringing au OR i could make it EXTREMELY COMPLICATED and you know me you know exactly what im about to do ;)

reginald THINKS he’s prepping them all for the apocalypse but reginald is a child-abusing FOOL and an alien BASTARD and there’s no apocalypse there never was there never will be. the world is safe and sound but the hargreeves children aren’t.

five runs away from home and gets thrown into april 1st, 2019. the world is thriving. he did it. he tries to get home but he can’t because he’s stuck and im now realizing that everyone reading this post has seen a million fics with this exact concept but FUCK YOU THIS IS MY CITY NOWWW

so he’s stuck in 2019 and he’s like ah fuck ah SHIT what now! and goes to the academy and it’s not like he was super far away from it in the first place. he didn’t even make it a mile away it’s like a 5 minute walk back home lmao

now because reggie thinks there IS an apocalypse he still killed himself and i hate him a lot so cough ahem anyway

five shows up on the mansion and expects dad to be sitting there in his office, doing his evil dad evil villain thing yk the drill

but instead he comes in to an empty house. mom is unresponsive. he cant find pogo (dont ask where pogo is. hes doing monkey butler things ok). and diego is climbing in through the window

five freaks out because WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU THIS IS MY HOUSE and jumps diego and diego goes down HARD because WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MY DEAD BROTHER?? MY BROTHER WHO DISAPPEARED 17 YEARS AGO?? WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKKKK

so they try to beat the shit out of each other for a second and by that i mean five tries to beat the shit out of diego whos gained his senses by now and is trying to convince his brother (his BROTHER) that technically he lives here too please stop punching me

luther comes downstairs.

“IS THAT FIVE???”

“SHUT UP AND HELP ME THIS LITTLE FUCKER CAN PUNCH”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

they manage to calm him down when five catches sight of diegos tattoo

WAIT I FORGOT THAT THE FUNERAL WAS BEFORE APRIL FUCK NEVERMIND SCRAP THE PAST 13 BULLETS ABORT MISSION

so five lands in april, goes to the house, and by then the hargreeves have cleared out and are back to doing their own thing more or less. he comes up to the door and grace (pogo has fixed her by now because i said so) welcomes her son back home like he never even left

she gives him a hug

reginald is gone and she hasnt seen her sun in years and dammit, he deserves that hug okay? she gives him a hug.

five pulls away. mom hasnt hugged him for years because he stopped letting her and he’s not about to change his mind now

“where’s everyone?” he asks. he doesn’t even consider that everybody is gone, because where would they go? or maybe it just hasn’t hit him exactly which time he jumped into, maybe he still hasn’t made the connection exactly what age his siblings are now, maybe he has but he still hopes he can deny it for a little while longer

grace wants to hug him again but she refrains. she calls his siblings

one by one, in the span of the next week, she gets ahold of them and calls them back to the academy. “important news,” she says. “you’ll want to -- you’ll need to be here,” she says. “your brother,” she says, and her children listen and come back home

luther is at the academy when five gets here. because, where would he go? he can’t go back to the moon, and dad is gone, and he’s never even been on a bus alone before, where would he go?

when five sees him for the first time he almost cries, because he’s so much bigger and taller and older and what happened to him??

this is his new reality. this is the new luther

but it isn’t, it can’t be, because five is going to get back home and he’s going to fix it, he’s going to fix this and he’s going to grow up just like his siblings did, and it won’t even be long before he’s back home almost two decades ago.

vanya is next to arrive, and five almost -- almost -- smiles at her and gives her a hug and teases her how she’s still shorter than him, but she has such a blank expression on her face and the way she looks between the portrait of him (he hated that portrait from the beginning, he wanted to burn it because hes back now, isnt he? and he’ll go back home and not leave again, but pogo didnt let him) stops him. it will only be a couple of days and he’ll be going home already, he tells grace, so maybe the others dont even have to come here. she nods and smiles and says nothing

diego comes a day or so later, dragging klaus along, and five is stunned by how they look once again. diego looks battle-hardened and angry like he never did just last week, five’s last week, but now he scowls and doesn’t stutter and dresses himself in black and he lives alone and diego looks so lonely but five doesnt think about it because its not his business and he knows better and its diegos own damn fault for cutting contact, isnt it? and even if it weren’t five will go back and fix it all

five knows klaus has been doing things for a good year or so know, but this -- living on the streets, giggling even as diego forces him inside, making lewd jokes with his eyes out of focus -- he couldn’t have even imagined. he stamps down the feeling of i should have been there to help stop him and doesn’t think how sad and angry at their father seeing klaus like this makes him feel, instead he forces thoughts of it’s his own fault he ended up this way and i’m going to get back and fix this (but that’s not a thought he has to force. he will. he has to. it won’t even be another week before he figures out how to get home)

allison gets there next. she took the first plane she could get on to get home and pushed off all her appointments but she had a family emergency just last week and it was hard to get away and she looks so sad even when she opens her arms for a hug and five cant help but relent and give her one. diego scoffs and allison lets loose a dig thats more of a barb thats more of a sharp sentence splitting the air and hitting her brother square in the chest. five doesnt say anything but his stomach twists. just a week or so and he’ll fix it because even as children they never said things like that to each other

he waits for ben to come last. he must be the most adjusted of them all, right? ben read a lot last five saw of him, and hes one of the smartest of them, and secretly five always thought that ben deserves to have friends that he doesnt live with

ben doesnt come

he asks mom and she smiles and he asks the others and they look away and he asks again and someone -- and it doesnt matter who because his ears are ringing and hes stumbling back and falling onto the couch -- says that ben died. ben died years ago.

ben died four years after five left

fives head is spinning and he needs to get back, he needs to stop it he needs to fix it he needs to make it all better because it was never supposed to be this way

(you thought this would be a happy au didnt you?? haha bitch think again)

(it is but they have to get there smhhh)

klaus laughs and elbows the air next to him and five asks, he doesnt beg, he asks him if he can summon ben

everyone scoffs. rolls their eyes. klaus is high as a kite and hes holding a bottle of whiskey and he looks like he hasnt been sober in days. weeks. years. and he’s a liar and ben is gone for real, im sorry, five. i know this must be hard for you

that can’t be right. five wasnt there for all of klaus’ lies and stealing and drunken sobbing. five remembers klaus rolling a joint at the breakfast table like it was last week -- and it was, it was, he’ll fix it still, but to five klaus is still just his brother. just klaus

he asks, not begs, five doesnt beg but he comes damn close in this moment, to tell him the truth

and klaus looks around and ben whispers please, klaus, just try and five is looking at him with wet eyes and he’s thirteen he’s so young and -- he can’t say innocent. none of them have ever been innocent, not since reginald hargreeves adopted them all those years ago. but five...

he tells the truth. and five believes him

so anyway five cant get back and then they decide well ok five while youre staying here we might as well buy you some clothes. ones that arent literally 20 years old. jesus these uniforms are ugly

my jaw is clenching so hard and im cold asdflksdh so im gonna end this here and maybe rb it and continue lated idk 😳😳

YESSS of course <333

-im a firm believer that in mundane aus alec owns one of those hair shaving/clipping whatever kits and cuts his hair himself (hc brought to u by my memories of my dad shaving my brothers’ hair in the middle of the kitchen hjksf) so he. god i dont know the right terminology. he would help magnus keep the shaved parts of his hair crisp and clean kwjehfds and also they’d make a day out of re-dyeing magnus’ streaks !! basically just them doing magnus’ hair together idk!!!<3

-magnus leaves the door to the bathroom open when hes showering or doing his makeup routines and he makes a big show out of pretending it was TOTALLY on accident and he is just SO SURPRISED when alec joins him! truly! this is completely unexpected! (alec smile-scoffs and rolls his eyes and shuts magnus up with kisses. every time) (it never gets old tho fhjsdk)

-they have laundry baskets in every room in the loft because alec has the unfortunate habit of randomly stripping off his socks or jacket and leaving them around kwjfhds

-chairman sucks up to alec more but he sleeps exclusively on magnus’ side of the bed so they’re lowkey in constant competition for the affections of their cat fkjsdhks <3

-alec doesn’t like bananas unless they’re perfectly unicolored and it drives magnus up the wall because “its a TINY SPOT of brown its not ROTTEN alexander its just a little bruised because you DROPPED IT” so magnus is the primary consumer of bananas in this household

-these are all so random asdlfaksdjfsd

-magnus doesn’t like washing the dishes so when its his turn he always spells them straight into the dishwasher, or sometimes just immediately clean and shelved. which makes alec fondly exasperated because HE still has to wash them down and put them in and out of the dishwasher by hand

-the “BANE” nameplaque by the ringer? doorbell? buzzer? i havent been in an apartment building since like 2016 sorry sdjkfskdf. but yeah that thing gets changed to “LIGHTWOOD-BANE” :))

-magnus has days where he just needs to listen to the most teenage 90s pop music and he dances to it around the apartment and everything and that is why alec has been caught humming britney spears lol.

-whenever they listen to music magnus pretends he knows the current musician personally and they both know he very much doesnt but alec goes along with it anyway and its a fun little game they have idk !!!!

-magnus will occasionally fall asleep in weird places with the chairman. like you know those pics that are of cats sleeping in the most uncomfortable looking poses? yeah thats magnus bane and his cat curled up on top of him

-idk if my family is just weird but u know how sometimes u pick up ur cat and pretend its gun... yeah they do that fhsdjk. “pew pew” -the high warlock of brooklyn, holding a disgruntled feline like a weapon (no cats are harmed ofc)

-ive already said this i think, but them going “MY HUSBAND!!!” at any opportunity!! like they’ll be at the store and magnus will be like “hey do you want green or red peppers?” and alec will say “one second let me just check with my husband<3” and walk to the next aisle and call magnus and ask him what peppers he should get and theyre both trying to keep a straight face but end up grinning and laughing the entire time and uh YEAH THEY’RE DORKS <3

-they have a table but they only use the 2 chairs right next to each other so they can bump shoulders and just be very close fhjdskds I LOVE THEM SO MUCH FUCK

-theyd go to a pottery class or smth together and spend the entire time poking fun at each other hgjdfkjwhfdsfjdjs

-sometimes they are so dramatically fake-mad at each other and like <3 thats love baby... like for example one of them will forget to hang up the towel after they shower and then the other will arrange it very carefully on their side of the bed and when the perpetrator finds it they arranger will laugh to themselves smugly,,, imaginary point system if you know what i mean fhsjdfsd

The sad reality is that you’re a desperate man, tragically unaware of his own insignificance, desperately clinging to his own ineffectual reasoning. More succinctly, a man in over his head. You’re wr... wrong.